HUMOUR, WIT, & SATIRE

OF  THE

SEVENTEENTH CENTURY

RICHARD TARLTON.

Tarlton's Jests, Edit. 1638.

HUMOUR, WIT, & SATIRE

of  the

SEVENTEENTH CENTURY

Collected and Illustrated by

JOHN ASHTON

author of "chap-books of the eighteenth century,"
"social life in the reign of queen anne," etc.

London

CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY

1883


All rights reserved

Printed by R. & R. Clark, Edinburgh.

Our forefathers delighted to call their country "Merrie England;" and so, in very truth, it was. All sorts of sports and pastimes, such as no other nation can show, were then in use; and even the elders, in their hours of relaxation, were wont to exchange a merry jest with one another.

Perhaps some of their jokes lacked the refinement of the present age, but they denoted a keen sense of humour. Many, nay most, cannot be reproduced at the present day, and much has this book suffered therefrom; and it is for this reason that the jest-books and ballads of this century are so little known. Some few have been printed in small editions, either privately, or for dilettante societies; but they are not fit for general perusal, and the public at large know nothing of them. This is specially the case with the ballad literature of the century, which is unusually rich. The Pepys, Roxburghe, Bagford, Luttrell, and other collections, are priceless treasures; but I know no publisher who would be bold enough to reproduce them, in their entirety, for the use of the general public. By this I do not wish to cast any slur, either on the modesty, or morality, of our ancestors; but their ways were not quite as ours.

The Bibliographical Reference, which forms an Appendix, will show the wide range that the humour of this century takes; and this does not exhaust the store by any means. In [pg viii] it I have given, for the use of students, the British Museum Catalogue number of every authority (to save trouble, should they wish to refer to the books); and, to avoid the multiplicity of footnotes, I have placed against each paragraph a number, by means of which (on turning to the reference) the work from which it was taken can at once be seen.

Political satire ought to be a work in itself, so that I have but sparingly used it; and as religious satire hardly comes within the scope of such a book as this, I have but just glanced at it.

In every instance that I have found possible, I have given the tunes of the ballads, taken from the books in which they first appeared, such as The Dancing Master, and Wit and Mirth; also, in two instances, where I could not thus find them, I have taken them from The Ballad Literature and Popular Music of the Olden Time, by W. Chappell, Esq., F.S.A.

If the perusal of this book gives a tithe part as much pleasure and amusement to the Reader, as it did to me when compiling it, I am more than content with my labour.

JNO. ASHTON.

[pg 1]

Humour, Wit, and Satire

of  the

Seventeenth Century.

[1.]   There was a man that had been drinking so hard that he could scarse stand upon his feet, yet at night he would go home, and as he went through a green Meadow, neer a hedge side the Bryers held him by the cloaths and the legs, and he had thought that one had holden him, and would have had him to drink more, and he said, Good fellow, let me go, by my troth I can drink no more, I have drank so much already, that I cannot go home; and there he abode all the same night, and on the morrow went his Ways.

[pg 2]

[4.]   A Justice of Peace overtaking a Parson upon the Road, between London and Bow, told his Company that he would put a Trick upon him: and so, coming up to him, said, Sir, You don't follow your Master's Rule, for he was content with an Ass, but you have a very fine Horse. The Parson replyed, the reason was, because the King had made so many Asses Justices, that a Clergyman could not get one to Ride on.

On a drawer drunk.

Upon the weights of a Clock.

Nonsense.

[1.]   There was three young men going to Lambeth along by the Water side, and the one plaid with the other, and they cast each others Cap into the water, in such sort as they could not get their Caps again: but over the place where their Caps were, did grow a great old tree, which did Cover a great deale of the Water. One of them said to the rest, Sirs, I have found out a notable way to come by them. First I will make myself fast by the middle, with one of your girdles unto the tree, and he that is with you shall hang fast upon my girdle, and he that is last shall take hold on him that holds fast on my girdle, and so with one of his hands he may take up all our caps and cast them on the sand. And so they did; but when they thought that they had been most secure and fast, he that was above felt his girdle slack, and said, Soft, sirs, my girdle slacketh; make it fast quickly, said they, but as he was untying it to make it faster they fell all three into the water, and were well washed for their pains.

Of Lynus borrowing.

[pg 4]

FINIS.

Printed for J. Wright,⁵ J. Clarke,⁶ W. Thackeray,⁷ and T. Passinger.⁸

¹ Floats, i.e. skims the cream floating on the milk.

² Feels whether they have eggs.

³ One who meddles in women's business.

⁴ Chattering.

⁵ Published from 1670 to 1690.

⁶ From 1650 to 1682.

⁷ From 1660 to 1680.

⁸ From 1670 to 1682.

[8.]   The Marquess of Worcester, calling for a glass of Claret wine, it was told him by his Physician, that Claret wine was naught for his gout; What, said the Marquess, my old friend Claret? nay, give it me in spight of all Physicians and their books, it never shall be said that I forsook my friend for my enemy.

On a cowardly Souldier.

[pg 8]

On a fly in a glasse.

Upon a Churle that was a great usurer.

[4.]   An Arch Wag speaking of the late dreadful Fire of London, said Cannon Street roared, Wood Street was burnt to Ashes, Bread Street was burnt to a Coal, Pie Corner was over bak'd and Snow hill melted down.

[4.]   A Highway man being to be hang'd in a Country Town, Order was sent to the Carpenter to make a Gallows; which he neglecting to do, the Execution was forc'd to be defer'd, for which the Judge was not a little angry, who sending for the Carpenter, asked him why he had not done it? Why Sir, said he, I have done two or three already, but was never paid for them; but had I known it had been for your Worship, I would have left all other business to have done it.

[pg 9]

⁹ For tune see Appendix.

¹⁰ Choler, anger.

[1.]   There was a Fryer in London, which did use to go often to the house of an old woman, but ever when he came to her house, she hid all the meat she had. On a time this Fryer came to her house (bringing certain Company with him) and demanded of the Wife if she had any meat. And she [pg 11] said, Nay. Well, quoth the Fryer, have you not a whetstone? Yea (qd. the Woman) Marry, qd. he, I would make meat thereof. Then she brought a whetstone. He asked her likewise if she had not a Frying-pan. Yea, said she, but what the devil will ye do therewith? Marry (said the Fryer) you shall see by and by what I will do with it; and when he had the pan, he set it on the fire, and put the whetstone therein. Cocks body, said the woman, you will burn the pan. No, no, qd. the Fryer, if you will give me some eggs, it will not burn at all. But she would have had the pan from him, when that she saw it was in danger; yet he would not let her, but still urged her to fetch him some eggs, which she did. Tush said the Fryer, here are not enow, go fetch ten or twelve. So the good Wife was constrayned to fetch more for feare lest the Pan should burn; And when he had them, he put them in the Pan. Now, qd he, if you have no butter the pan will burn, and the eggs too. So the good wife being very loth to have her pan burnt, and the eggs lost, she fetcht him a dish of butter, the which he put into the pan, and made good meat thereof, & brought to the table, saying, Much good may it do you my Masters, now may you say, you have eaten of a buttered Whetstone. Whereat all the Company laughed, but the woman was exceeding angry because the Fryer had subtilly beguiled her of her meat.

The Devill and the Fryar.

[pg 12]

On Battus.

¹¹ Congées, low bows.

¹² James Bissel lived at the Bible and Harp, by the Hospital Gate, and published between 1685 and 1695.

[1.]   There was a Priest in the Country, which had christned a Child; and when he had christned it, he and the clark were bidden to the drinking that should be there, and thither they went with other people, and being there, the Priest drunk and made so merry that he was quite foxed,¹³ and thought to go home before he laid him down to sleep; but having gone a little way, he grew so drowsie, that he could go no further, but laid him down by a ditch side, so that his feet did hang in the water, and lying on his back, the Moon shined in his face: thus he lay till the rest of the Company came from drinking, who as they came home found the Priest lying as aforesaid, and they thought to get him away, but do what they could he would not rise, but said, Do not meddle with me, for I lie very well, I will not stir hence before morning, but I pray you lay some more cloathes on my feet, and blow out the Candle, and let me lie and take my rest.

¹³ Drunk.

In Getam.

On Button a Sexton making a grave.

[pg 16]

[4.]   Two Sparks standing together in the Cloysters, seeing a pretty Lady pass by, says one of them, There goes the handsomest Lady that I ever saw in my Life; She hearing him, turned back, and seeing him very ugly, said, Sir I would I could in way of Requital say as much of you. Faith, says he, so you may, and Lye as I did.

On Jack Wiseman.

Of a Woman's Kindnesse to her Husband.

¹⁴ The Agrostemna githago, Linn.

[pg 17]

[1.]   There were once too men that were both masterless and moneyless, & one said to the other, What remedy canst thou now find out, that we may either get some meat or money? By my troth (qd. the other) I do know a very fine shift, (& being very early in the morning they espyed a man coming with Hogs). Lo, yonder cometh a man with Hogs, and I will tell him that they be sheep, and I will cause him to lay a Wager with me, whether they be Sheep or Hogs: & I will cause the matter to be judged by the next man that cometh, but then thou must go another way & meet with us; when we demand of thee whether they be sheep or hogs, thou must say that they be sheep. Then they separated themselves the one from the other, and the one went to meet the man that had the Swine, bidding him good morrow; the man doing the like to him again. Then he said to the old man, Father, where had you your fair sheep. What sheep qd the man; these sheep that you drive before you: Why, qd the old man, they are swine. What (qd. the other) will you make me a fool? think you I know not Sheep from Swine? Marry (qd. the old man) I will lay one of my Swine against what thou wilt, that they be no Sheep. I hold thee my coat against one of thy sheep qd. the other. I am content qd the old man, by whom shall we be tryed? By the next man that meets us. Content, said the old man; and then they perceived the man coming being the fellow of the young man. And when he came to them the old man requested him to tel them what beasts those were? Why (qd. he) they be sheep, do you not know sheep? I told him so (qd. the other young man) but he would not believe me, so I laid my Coat upon a Wager that they were sheep, and he laid me one of his sheep against my Coat that they were Swine; and I won it have I not? Yea (qd. the old man,) but God help me, I bought them for Swine. And then the young man took one of the fattest hogs he could find amongst them all, & carryed him away, and his fellow went another way, as though he had not known him, and the poore man returned again to the place where he had bought them.

What became of him afterward I cannot tell: only thus much I know, that he was deceived by those two crafty fellows [pg 18] of one of his hogs. But they immediately met one the other again, and sold the hog for Money, and rejoyced that they fared so well (not knowing how to have otherwise sustained their wants).

Of Marcus.

To the Tune of Young Man remember delights are but vain.

FINIS.

London.   Printed for Richard Harper¹⁸ in Smithfield.

¹⁵ A Stand of Ale was a beer barrel set on end.

¹⁶ Guests.

¹⁷ Of Humphrey Crowch or Crouch little is known, but we know he published many ballads and books of the chap-book order; among the former is the Mad Man's Morrice, and among the latter is England's Jests refin'd. He certainly wrote from 1637 to 1687.

¹⁸ Richard Harper published from 1635 to 1642.

[8.]   Jack Roberts was desired by his Taylour, when the reckoning grew somewhat high, to have a Bill of his hand. Roberts said, I am content, but you must let no man know it; when the Taylour brought him the Bill, he tore it as in choler, and said to him, You use me not well, you promised me that no man should know it, and here you have put in: Be it known unto all Men by these Presents.

[1.]   A Certain Butcher was flaying a Calf at night and had stuck a lighted Candle upon his head, because he would be the quicker about his business, and when he had done, he thought to take the same Candle to light him to bed: but he had forgot where he had set it, and sought about the House for it, and all the while it stuck in his Cap upon his head, and lighted him in seeking it. At the last one of his fellows came and asked him what he sought for? Marry, (quoth he) I look for the Candle which I did flay the Calf withal. Why, thou [pg 23] fool, qd. he, thou hast a Candle in thy Cap: and then he felt towards his Cap, and took away the Candle burning, whereat there was great laughing and he mocked for his labour, as he was well worthy.

[4.]   Just after the late Kings Restauration, when going to Church came to be in fashion, an old Woman was advised by her Neighbours to go to Church; for fear of being Presented, she was resolved to go once a month to save her Bacon: So Dressing herself very fine, she came into the Church, just at the Expiration of the Letany, and the Parson having said, Lord have Mercy upon us, and then the People Responding thereto, she Cryed out aloud, I never was here before in my Life, and since you make such a Wonderment at it I will never come again.

On Sextus.

¹⁹ For tune see Appendix.

²⁰ Ay, ay.

²¹ This tune certainly was known in Queen Elizabeth's time, for it occurs in her Virginal book, and Chappell says, "It probably took its name from Sir John Packington, commonly called 'lusty Packington,' the same who wagered that he would swim from the Bridge at Westminster, i.e. Whitehall Stairs, to that at Greenwich for the sum of £3000. 'But the good Queen, who had particular tenderness for handsome fellows, would not permit Sir John to run the hazard of the trial.'"

²² Or St. Leger's round, was thought by Sir John Hawkins to be the oldest country dance now extant, and is to be found in Queen Elizabeth's Virginal book.

[4.]   A Minister finding his Parishioners to be Ignorant, was resolv'd to Examine and Instruct them at home; so going to an Ancient Womans House, amongst other Questions, he asked her how many Commandments there were? She told him she could not tell: he told her there were Ten: Whereat she replied, A Jolly Company! God Bless you and them both together. Well, but, Neighbour, (says he) Do you think you can keep these Commandments? Ah! God bless you, Sir, (said she) I am a poor Woman, and can hardly keep my self; I hope you will not put me to the Charge of keeping any of the Commandments for you.

On Charismus.

[8.]   Master Mason of Trinity Colledge, sent his Pupil to another of the Fellows to borrow a Book of him, who told him I am loath to lend my Books out of my Chamber, but if it please thy Tutor to come and read upon it in my Chamber, he shall as long as he will. It was winter, and some daies after the same Fellow sent to Mr Mason to borrow his Bellows, but Master Mason said to his Pupil, I am loath to lend my Bellows out of my Chamber, but if thy Tutor would come and blow the Fire in my Chamber he shall as long as he will.

[pg 27]

Of a drunken Smith.

²³ Value ten shillings.

[4.]   A Minister going to one of his Parishioners he asked her, who made her? She reply'd, She did not know: A Child standing by, he asked him the same Question, who Answered, God; whereupon the Parson Reproving the Old Woman, told her it was a shame that she should be so Ignorant, who had lived to those Years, and that little Child could tell. Marry, quoth she, I am an old Woman, and have been made a great while, and he was made but t'other day, he may well tell who made him.

[1.]   There was a man in the Country, who had not been any far Traveller, and dwelt far from any Church except a Church that was seven or eight miles from his house, and there they never sung Mass nor Even song, but did ever say it. And on a time he came to London, having never been here before, & being in London he went to Pauls Church, & went into the Chappel, where they sung Mass with Organs, and when he heard the melody of the Organs and the singing [pg 29] together, that he never heard before, he thought he should have gone to Heaven by and by, and looked, and said aloud that every one heard, O Lord, shall I go to heaven presently? I would thou wouldest let me alone till I might go home and fetch my white stick and black hood, and then I would go gladly with thee. Where at all the people laughed heartily.

Sorte tuâ contentus.

[pg 32]

[1.]   In the country dwelt a Gentlewoman who had a French man dwelling with her and he did ever use to go to Church with her, and upon a time he and his Mistresse were going to Church and she bad him pull the doore after him and follow her to the Church, and so he took the doore betweene his armes, and lifted it from the hooks, and followed his Mistresse with it: But when she looked behinde her and saw him bring the doore upon his back, Why, thou foolish knave, qd. she, what wilt thou do with the door? Marry Mistresse, qd. he, you bad me pull the doore after me. Why, qd. she, I did command thee that thou shouldest make fast the doore after thee, and not bring it upon thy back after me. But after this, there was much good sport and laughing at his simplicity and foolishnesse therein.

On a Watch lost in a Tavern.

Of a Precise Taylor.

²⁴ Trunk hose.

[8.]   A Notorious Rogue being brought to the Bar, and knowing his case to be desperate, instead of pleading, he took to himself the liberty of jesting, and thus said, I charge you in the Kings name to seise and take away that man (meaning the Judge) in the red Gown, for I go in danger of my life because of him.

On a gentleman that married an heire privately at the Tower.

Of Galla's goodly Periwigge.

[17.]   Several Gentlemen were at dinner together, and one of them was a Parson; among the Dishes one was a Pig, but 'twas very lean; Then they concluded that it was only fit for the Parson, being a spiritual Pig, for it had no flesh upon it.

Printed for J. Deacon,²⁷ at the Angel in Gilt Spur Street.

²⁵ Richard Pocock, who licensed from 1685 to 1688.

²⁶ Salt beef.

²⁷ Jonah Deacon published from 1684 to 1695.

[4.]   An ignorant Country Fellow coming along Paternoster Row, had occasion to change a Half-Crown into small money, and looking over a Grate which stood on the Stall, there sate a large Monkey, whom he prayed to change his Money; the Monkey took it and put it into the Till of the Compter, where he had observed to be put, and then came and Grinn'd at the Man, who, being in a passion, made a noise at the Door, whereat the man of the Shop, coming into the Shop, asked him what was the matter? Sir, said he, I gave your Son half [pg 38] a Crown to change, and he will not give it me again, but laughs at me, and will not give me one word of answer, tho I have asked him for it many a time.

Epitaph
On an usurer.

[8.]   In Chancery, one time, when the Councel of the parties set forth the boundary of the Land in question, by the plot, and the Councel of one part said, we lie on this side my Lord, and the Councel of the other part said, we lie on this side. The Lord Chancellor Hatton stood up and said, If you lie on both sides, whom will you have me to believe?

In praise of the Black Jack²⁸

²⁸ A bottle made of leather. Sometimes they were ornamented with silver rims, and a silver plate with the owner's coat of arms thereon; but generally they were very rough.

[18.]   A melting Sermon being preached in a Country Church, all fell a weeping, except a Country man, who being ask'd why he did not weep with the rest? Because (says he) I am not of this Parish.

[18.]   A Country-man admiring the stately Fabrick of S. Pauls Cathedral, asked Whether it was made in England, or brought from beyond Sea.

[pg 40]

[4.]   Two Persons who had been formerly acquainted, but had not seen each other a great while, meeting on the Road, one ask'd the other how he did; he told him He was very well, and was Married since he saw him: the other reply'd, That was well indeed: not so well neither, said he, for I have Married a Shrew. That's ill, said the other. Not so ill neither, said he, for I had 2000 Pounds with her. That's well again, said his Friend. Not so well neither, for I laid it out in Sheep, and they died of the Rot. That was ill indeed, said the other. Not so ill neither, said he, for I sold the Skins for more money than the Sheep cost. That was well, [pg 43] indeed, quoth his friend. Not so well neither, said he, for I laid out my money in a House and it was burned. That's very ill, said the other. Not so ill neither, said he, for my Wife was burned in it.

On a little Gentleman and one Mr Story.

[18.]   A Tradesman that would never work by Candle light, was asked the reason why? To save Candles, says he; a Peny saved is a Peny got.

Epitaph on a Scrivener.

[8.]   One was saying that his great Grandfather, and Grandfather, and Father died at Sea. Said another that heard him, and I were you, I would never come at Sea. Why, saith he, where did your great Grandfather, Grandfather and Father die? He answered, where, but in their beds? saith the other, And I were as you, I would never come to bed.

These following are to be understood two ways.

²⁹ An ant.

[18.]   John Scot so famous for his Learning, sitting at Table with a young Gallant, was by way of Jest, asked by him what Difference there was between Scot and Sot. To which he presently reply'd Mensa tantum, that is the Tables breadth; for the other sat just over against him.

Printed for C. Bates,³⁰ at the Sun and Bible, in Pye Corner.

³⁰ Charles Bates, at this address (there were three contemporary C. Bates), published in 1685.

[4.]   A Wine Cooper in Mark Lane taking a Gentleman down into his Cellar to Treat him, he, finding no Seat there for him to sit on, asked him the reason of it; Why, says the Wine Cooper, I will have no Man here Drink longer than he can stand.

[8.]   0A debaucht Seaman being brought before a Justice of Peace upon the account of swearing, was by the Justice commanded to deposit his Fine in that behalf provided, which [pg 49] was two shillings, he thereupon plucking out of his pocket a half crown, asked the Justice what was the rate he was to pay for cursing, the Justice told him six pence, quoth he then, A Pox take you all for a company of Knaves and fools, and there's half a crown for you; I will never stand changing of mony.

is evidently traceable to Miss Tannakin Skinker, who was born in 1618; but it is astonishing how widely spread is the belief in "Pig faced Ladies." No doubt but there has been some foundation in fact for it, for I am credibly informed that not long since,³¹ a child, whose face bore a singular likeness to a pig, was born in the City of London Lying-in Hospital in the City Road—and not only survived its birth, but is in all probability still living. In 1815 a pig-faced lady, elegantly dressed, used to drive about London in her carriage; but whether people were being hoaxed by one wearing a mask is not known. George Morland painted a portrait of the "Wonderful Miss Atkinson Born in Ireland, has £20,000 fortune and is fed out of a Silver Trough," and Fairburn published an engraving of her. Miss Steevens, who founded Steeven's Hospital at Dublin, is also credited with being pig-faced; whilst pig-faced ladies used commonly to be shown at fairs. But these were fictitious, as a quarrel in a caravan at Plymouth, some years since, brought to light, when it was shown that her ladyship was a bear whose face and neck had been carefully shaved, whilst its head was adorned with a wig with ringlets and a cap with artificial flowers. The bear was securely fastened in a chair, and draped to imitate a fashionably-dressed lady.

It is, however, with the contemporary monstrosity that we have chiefly to deal, and a very rare tract in the Bodleian Library³² gives "A certaine Relation of the Hog faced Gentlewoman called Mistris Tannakin Skinker, who was borne at Wirkham a Neuter Towne betweene the Emperour and the [pg 50] Hollander, scituate on the river Rhyne. Who was bewitched in her mothers wombe in the yeare 1618, and hath lived ever since unknowne in this kind to any, but her Parents and a few other neighbours. And can never recover her true shape tell she be married &c. Also relating the cause, as it is since conceived, how her mother came so bewitched. London. Printed by J. O. and are to be sold by F. Grove,³³ at his shop on Snow-hil neare St Sepulchers Church." 1640.

This veracious history gives an account of various remarkable births. "But I come now to humane Births, beginning with those forraigne, and ending with the domesticke; about the beginning of the Marsick Warre, one Alcippe, a woman of especiall note, at the time of her childing, was delivered of an Elephant; and another (whose name is not left unto us) of a Serpent. In Thessaly, one was brought to bed of an infant which had the shape of an Hypocentaure, and expired the same day that it received breath," etc.

After thus paving the way for his own particular marvel, the writer goes on: "I fall now immediatly upon the party before propounded. In a place in Holland called Wirkham, being a neuter Towne; as lying between Holland and those parts belonging to the Empire, on the River Rhine, lived one Ioachim Skinker, whose wife's name was Parnel, a man of good revenue, but of a great estate in money and cattle; these two having very loving lived together without any issue to succeed them in their goods and inheritance: it being no small griefe unto them, that either strangers, or some of their owne ungrateful kindred should after death enjoy those meanes, for which they had so laboriously travail'd: When they were in their greatest despaire, it hapned thus, she found herselfe conceived with childe, which was a greater joy and comfort to her and her husband: But whether they were unthankful for such an unexpected blessing, or what other thing was the cause, I am not able to determine; but it so hapned, that in the yeere 1618, she was safely delivered of a Daughter, all the limbes and lineaments of her body well featured and proportioned, only her face, which is the ornament and beauty of all the rest, had the Nose of a Hog, or [pg 51] Swine: which was not only a stain and blemish, but a deformed uglinesse, making all the rest lothsome, contemptible and odious to all that lookt upon her in her infancie.

"If the joy of the parents was great in the hope of a Childe, how much greater may wee conjecture their sorrowes were, to be the parents of such a monster: but considering with themselves what Heavens would have, they had not power to hinder, and studying (as farre as in them lay) to conceale their shame, they so farre mediated with the Midwife and the other women that were present at the delivery, that they should keepe it as close and secret as it was possible to doe: and they called the name of it Tannikin, which is as much in English as Anne or Hannah.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

"This prodigious birth though it was knowne to some few, yet it was not made popular & spoken of by all, which the Father and Mother for their owne reputations and credits were very carefull to maintaine; so that it was never seene by any (being an infant bare-fac'd) but vail'd and covered, and so brought up in a private Chamber, both fed and taught by the Parents onely; and her deformity scarce knowne to any of the Servants: and as the daughter grew in stature, so the Father also increased with wealth, so that he was accounted to be one of the richest men in all that Country.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

"It is credibly reported, that this Burgess wife having conceived, an old woman suspected for a Witch came to begge of her an Almes, but she being at that (time) busied about some necessary affaires gave her a short and neglectfull answer; at which she went away muttering to herselfe the Divell's Pater noster, and was heard to say; As the Mother is Hoggish, so Swinish shall be the Child shee goeth withall: which is a great probability that the infants deformity came by the malitious Spells and divelish murmurations of this wicked woman; who, after, for the like, or worse practises both upon men women and children whom she had bewitched unto death, being brought within compasse of the Law; and after to suffer at the stake; amongst many other things confessed as much as I have before related; yet either out of her perverse obstinacy would not, or else (the Devill forsaking her in extreamity, as he doth all his other servants) in her deficiency [pg 52] of power, could not uncharme her: yet by this means that which was before kept so private, was now publickly discovered to the World; insomuch that much confluence of people came to see the progedy, which wearied the Father, and cast a blush upon the cheekes of the good woman the mother: some desirous to heare her speake, whose language was onely the Dutch Hoggish Houghs, and the Piggs French Owee, Owee, for other words she was not able to utter; which bred in some, pitty, in others laughter, according to their severall dispositions.

"Others were importunate to see her feede, then milke and the like was brought unto her in a Silver Trough; to which she stooped and eate just as a Swine doth in his swilling Tub; which the more mirth it bred in the Spectators, increased in the Parents the more Melancholy."

From this part the tract gets more and more romantic. An astrologer was consulted, and he advised her being married, when her cure might be effected. So the parents gave out that she would have a dowry of £40,000 paid down on her marriage. Then follows a list of her suitors, and after an episode which has nothing to do with the matter in hand, the tract winds up: "I should have spoken something of her residing in or about London, as of her being in Black Friers, or Covent Garden, but I can say little: onely abundance of people doe resort to each place to enquire the truth: some have protested they have seene her, by the helpe of their acquaintance and give this reason why she will not as yet be Constantly in one place, because the multitude is so great that doe resort thither that they dare not be knowne of her abiding, lest by denying the sight of her, they that own the house should have it pulled down about their eares. Her portion is very large, it being 40,000 pounds; she likewise goeth very gallant in aparrell, and very courteous in her kind to all. And whoever shall in Pamphlet, or Ballad, write or sing otherwise than is discoursed of in this small Tract, they erre from truth: for what is here discovered, is according to the best and most approved Intelligence."

³¹ Some time between 25th June and 29th September 1881.

³² A wonderful lithographic facsimile by Francis Compton Price, Esq., is in the British Museum, 12205. h., catalogued under the heading Skinker.

³³ Francis Grove published between 1620 and 1655.

[pg 53]

Printed for P. Brooksby³⁵ at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner.

³⁴ i.e. People had their summer clothes, and business was slack until the autumn.

³⁵ He published from 1672 to 1695.

[17.]   Says one, why is thy Beard so brown, and thy head so white? Cause, says he, my head is twenty years older than my beard.

[4.]   A Tinker coming through Cornhill, and sounding briskly on his kettle, Have you any Work for a Tinker? A Grocer that thought to put a Jest upon him (there being a Pillory near his door) bid him stop those two Holes, pointing to the Pillory: to whom the Tinker smartly replyed, Sir, if you will lend me your Head and Ears, I will find a Hammer and Nails, and give you my Work into the bargain.

[pg 56]

M.

W.

M.

W.

M.

[pg 57]

W.

M.

W.

³⁶ Prynne was especially exercised in his mind about this fashion, and wrote a book called "The Unlovelinesse of Love Lockes, or a Summarie discourse, proving the wearing and nourishing of a locke or love locke to be altogether unseemly and unlawfull unto Christians" (1628), and also "A Gagge for Long Hair'd Rattle Heads &c." (1646).

³⁷ An allusion to the curly crops and fringe over the forehead then worn by ladies.

³⁸ Debauchedness.

[18.]   A Papist asked a Protestant, as 'tis their usual Way, where his Religion was before Luther. In the Bible, says he, where yours never was.

[8.]   A witty Rogue coming into a lace shop, said he had occasion for some lace, choice wherof being shewed him, he at last pitched upon one pattern, and asked them how much they would have for so much as would reach from ear to ear, for so much he had occasion for, and they told him for so much; so some few words passing between them, he at last agreed, and told down his money for it, and began to measure [pg 58] on his own head, thus saying, One ear is here, and the other is nailed to the Pillory in Bristoll, and I fear you have not so much of this Lace by you at present as will perfect my bargain; therefore this piece of Lace shall suffice at present in part of payment, & provide the rest with all expedition.

Printed for B. Deacon at the Angel in Giltspur Street.

³⁹ "Wanion," with a vengeance, with a plague.

⁴⁰ Little Britain, by Aldersgate Street.

⁴¹ A mark was a coin worth 13s. 4d., and a noble 6s. 8d.

[17.]   A Gentleman ask'd a Shepherd, whether that River was to be passed over or not: Yes, says he, but going to try, flounc'd over head and ears. Why thou Rogue, says he, did you not tell me it might be past over? Truly, Sir, says he, I thought so, for my Geese go over and back again every day.

[pg 62]

Against Swearing.

⁴² Queen Elizabeth's groats were the last bearing a cross on the reverse. James I. coined none.

One fighting with his wife.

Imprimis. In the Pantry of Poultry (for hur own eating) One [pg 63] creat Pig four Week old, one Coose, one Cock Gelding, two Black puddings, three Cow-foots.

Item. In the Pantry of Plate, one Grid-iron, one Fripan, one Tripan, three Wooden Ladle, three Cann.

Item. In the Napery, two Towel, two Table Cloath, four Napkin, one for hurself, one for hur Wife Shone, two for Cusen Shon ap Powell and Thomas ap Hugh, when was come to hur House.

Hur Pantry
Hur Cattle

Hur Armory

Item. In the Wardrope, one Irish Rugg, one Frize Sherkin, one Sheepskin Tublet,⁴³ Two Irish Stocking, two Shooe, six leather Points.

Item. In the Tary,⁴⁴ one Toasting Shees, three oaten Cake, three Pint of Cow Milk, one pound of Cow Butter.

Item in the Kitchen, one Pan with white Curd, two White pot, two Red Herring, nine Sprat.

Item. In the Cellar, one Firkin of Wiggan, two Gallon sower [pg 64] Sider, one Pint of Perry, one little Pottle of Carmarden Sack, alias Metheglin.

Item. In the Armory of Weapon, to kill her Enemy, One Pack Sword, two edge, two Welsh-hook, three long Club one Cunn, one Mouse trap.

Item. In the Carden, One Ped Carlike, nine Onion, twelve Leek, twelve Worm, twelve Frog.

Item. In the Leas-way. Two Tun Cow, one Mountain Calf.

Item. In the Common-field, Two Welch Nag, twelve long leg'd Sheep, fourteen and twenty Coat.

Item. In the Proom Close, three Robin Run-hole, four Hare, hur own Coods if hur can catch hur.

Item. In the Parn one half Heblet of Oate, seven Pea, two Pean.

Item. In the Study (py Cot hur was almost forgot hur) One Welch Pible, two Almanack, one Erra Pater,⁴⁵ one Seven Champions⁴⁶ for St Taffy sake, twelve Pallat,⁴⁷ one Pedigree.

Item. In the Closet Two Straw hat, one louse.

Item. In the Ped. Two naked Pody, one Shirt, one Flannel smock at hur Ped's head.

Item. More Cattle about the House. Two Tog, three Cat, twelve Mouse (pox on hur, was eat hur toot Cheese) 1000 White Flea with black Pack.

Item. More Lumber about the House. One Wife, two Shild, one call hur Plack Shack, and t'other little Morgan.

Item. In the Yard under the Wall, one Wheel, two Pucket, one Ladder, two Rope.

This Inventory taken Note in the presence of hur own Cusen Rowland Merideth ap Howel and Lowellin Morgan ap William in Anno 1849,⁴⁸ upon the Ten and Thirtieth of Shune.

The above named William Morgan dyed when hur had threescore and twenty years, thirteen Months, one Week and Seven days.

[pg 65]

Imprimis. Was give hur teer Wife, Shone Morgan, awl hur Coods in the Ped, over the Ped, and under the Ped.

Item. Was give to hur eldest Son Plack Shack, 40 and 12 Card to play at Whipper Shinny 4 Try to sheat hur Cusen: besides awl her Land to the fule value of 20 and 10 shillings 3 groats per Annum.

Item. Was give to hur second Son, Little Morgan ap Morgan, hur short ladder under the Wall in the Yard and two Rope.⁴⁹

Item. Was give to hur Cusen Rowland Merideth ap Howell and Lewellin Morgan whom was made her Executor, full power to pay awl hur Tet, when hur can get Money.

Seal'd and deliver'd in the Presence of Evan ap Richard, ap Shinkin, ap Shone, hur own Cusen the Tay and Year above written.

Licens'd and Enter'd.

London.   Printed by and for W. O.⁵⁰ and sold by the Booksellers.

⁴³ Doublet.

⁴⁴ Dairy.

⁴⁵ An astrological almanac.

⁴⁶ Chap-book of the "Seven Champions of Christendom."

⁴⁷ Ballads.

⁴⁸ Probably antedated two centuries to make it more comical.

⁴⁹ Is this legacy a gentle intimation to his son that he may hang himself?

⁵⁰ Is this William Onley, who published from 1650 to 1702?

⁵¹ Diogenes.

⁵² One of the city prisons.

[26.]   A Person of Quality in this Kingdom, was one night at Supper at Pickadilly house which was then an Ordinary and great Gaming House, where he had bowled all day; and after Supper he call'd for some Cheese, which it seems was very thin and lean; then he ask't the Master of the House, where those Cows went, of whose Milk that Cheese was made? He told him they graz'd not far off; then he swore a great Oath that he was Confident that they never fed in any other place than his Bowling Alley, which was made good by the fatness of the Cheese they now tasted of, for it cries Rub, rub, in the eating of it, when 'tis so long a going down.

Another person of Quality also, in this Kingdom, amongst other Gentlemen, did often meet at a Bowling Ally, which stood next to the Church-yard; and the Parson of that Church had this Benefit, That if any did swear there, he was to have 12d for every Oath: This Person aforesaid, happened to swear a great Goliah Oath, upon which the Parson demanded 12d. which he gave him; and after that swore many others, for which he paid 12d a piece; and then swearing another, he demanded 12d as before; then he pluckt out of his pocket a 20 Shilling piece and bid him give him 19s. again. Sir, says he, I cannot. Why then, says he, take it for I intend to swear it out.

[pg 68]

Printed for F. Coles,⁵⁷ in Wine Street, on Saffron Hill near Hatton Garden.

⁵³ For tune see Appendix.

⁵⁴ The alphabet, so called because in the old Horn books the letters, which were of course in a row, commenced with a Cross. In Morley's Introduction to Practical Music (printed 1597) is the following: "Christes Crosse be my speed, in all vertue to proceede A. b. c. d. e. f. g. h. i. k. l. m. n. o. p. q. r. s. and t. double u. v. with y, ezod & per se, con per se, tittle, tittle est. Amen. When you have done begin again, begin again!"

⁵⁵ Kissed (bussed).

⁵⁶ A place at Bankside, Southwark, famous for bull and bear baiting.

⁵⁷ Francis Coles published between 1646 and 1674.

[18.]   A pleasant Fancy of an Italian by name Trivelino, Who falling asleep one Day, with his Horse's Bridle twisted in his Arm, another came who unbridled his Horse and got away. Trivelino being awaked, and missing his Horse began to feel himself about, saying Either I am Trivelino, or not: If I am Trivelino my Horse is lost; If not, I have got a Bridle, but know not how.

a. There began the Utopian accompt of years. Mor: Lib 1. circa finem.

b. Endimion was a handsome young Welshman, whom one Luce Moone lov'd for his sweet breath; and would never hang off his lips; but he not caring for her, eat abundance of toasted cheese, purposely to make his breath unsavory; upon which she left him presently, and ever since 'tis proverbially spoken (as inconstant as Luce Moone). The Vatican coppy of Hesiod reades her name Mohun, but contractedly it is Moone. Hesiod. lib 4. tom. 3.

[pg 73]

c. For all the Orbes make Musick in their motion. Berosus de Sphera, lib 3.

d. Atlas was a Porter in Mauritania, and because by reason of his strength, he bore burthens of stupendious weight, the Poets fain'd that he carried the Heavens on his shoulders. Cicero de nat Deorum. lib. 7.

e. There were two others of this name. Aldermen of Rome. Tit. Liv. hist. lib. 28.

f. Æmathia is a very faire Common in Northampton shire. Strabo. lib 321.

g. These Myrmidons were Cornish-men and sent by Bladud, sometime king of this Realme, to ayd Pompey. Cæsar de bello. civili. lib. 14.

h. It seemes not to be meant by Count Henry but his brother Maurice, by comparing his picture to the thing here spoken of. Jansen, de præd. lib 22.

i. Pheander was so modest, that he was called the Maiden Knight; and yet so valiant, that a French Cavaleer wrote his life, and called his book Pheander the Maiden Knight. Hon. d'Urfee. Tom 45.

k. This seems not to be that king that was Son of Amintas, and king of Macedon; but one who it seems was very lascivious.

l. Bacchus was a drunken yeoman of the Guard to Queen Elizabeth and a great Archer; so that it seems the Authour mistooke his halbert for a forke.

[pg 74]

m. This was Long-Megg⁵⁸ of Westminster, who after this conflict with Phillip followed him in all his warres. Justinian. lib 35.

n. These were Lancashire-men and sent by King Gorbadug (for this war seemes to have been in the time of the Heptarchy in England) to the aide of Cæsar. Cæsar. lib. citat. prope finem.

o. Apollo was Cæsars Page, and a Monomapatan by birth, whose name by inversion was Ollopa: which in the old language of that Country, signifies as much as faire youth: but Euphoniæ Gratia, called Apollo. Gor. Bec. lib. 46.

p. Styropes was a lame Smith's-man dwelling in St. John's Street; but how he was called Bright I know not, except it were by reason of the Luster of his eyes.

q. Holla, mistaken for Apollo.

r. Cervisia (apud Medicos, vinum hordeaceum) potus est Anglis longè charismus; Inventum Ferrarii Londinensis, Cui nomen Smuggo. Polydor. Virgil. de Invent. rerum. lib. 2.

s. Impp. Germaniæ, antiquitus solebant, statis temporibus, adire Basingstochium; ubi, de more, Jusjurandum solenne præstabant, de non viro propinando, præsente muliere. Hic Mos, jamdudum apud Anglos, pene vim legis obtinuit; quippe gens illa, longe humanissima morem istum, in hodiernum usque diem, magna Curiositate, pari Comitate conjuncta, usurpant. Pancirol. utriusque imperii. lib. 6. cap 5.

t. It seems this was a great battail, both by the furie of it, and the aydes of each side; but hereof read more in Cornel. Tacit. lib. de moribus German.

u. This is an imitation of Lucan. "Signis Signa & pila" &c. Pharsalia. lib. 1. in principio.

⁵⁸ A virago who lived temp. Henry VIII.

[pg 75]

Of Treason.

[18.]   'Tis said of one who well remembred what he had lent, but forgot what he had borrowed, that he had lost one half of his Memory.

On the word intollerable.

[26.]   A Gentleman coming drunk to Bed over night, in the morning could not find his breeches: then he knock'd for the Chamberlain: Sir, says he, if you are sure you brought them in with you, you had best search your pockets for them, for you lost all your Money last Night out of your Pockets, it may be your Breeches are got in there.

[pg 76]

FINIS.

Printed at London for F. Coules.⁵⁹

⁵⁹ Same as Francis Coles (see "The Great Boobee").

[pg 80]

[26.]   One coming into New-Market to buy some Butter, and there cheapened some; and the woman askt. 10d a pound: then he smelt to it; What, says she, do you smell to it, it seems you do not like my Butter: Yes, says he, but 'tis no better than it should be. Then you'll buy none, says she: No, says he, for a reason best known to myself. Then she askt him the reason, and with much importunity he told her, 'twas because he had no Money: Well then, says the Woman, take it for nothing, so you'll pay me for it next time you come.

A contest at the Hoop-Tavern between two Lawyers.

[pg 81]

[4.]   A Conceited Scholar that was lately come from Oxford, drinking with two or three Gentlemen, at the Mitre Tavern in the Poultrey, was very brisk and airy, and would needs be forming of Sylogismes &c. One wise one was this, He bid them fill two Glasses of Wine, which they did: now: says he, I will prove those two Glasses to be three, thus, Is not here one, says he? Yes, says the Gentleman. And here another, that's two, says he; Yes, says the Gentleman again. Why, then, says he, one and two is three, so 'tis done. Very well, says the Gentleman, I'll have one Glass, and that Gentleman shall have the other, and you shall have the third for your pains in finding it out.

Of inclosing a Common.

[4.]   A Scholar of Oxford having wore out the Heels of his Boots, brought them in his hands to a Cobler, and shewing him them, said, O thou curious Artificer, that hast by no small pains and study, arrived to the perfection of that exquisite art of repairing the defects of old decayed Calcuments, affix me two Semicircles to my Suppeditors. The Cobler stared upon him, as if he would have looked him through; but a little recovering himself, said, Before George, Sir, I understand not your hard [pg 82] Language: but if I put on two Heel pieces, I'll have a Groat for them.

The same Scholar being asked by a Porter for a Gentleman's Chamber in the Colledg, he directed him thus, you must crucifie the Quadrangle, and ascend the Grades, and you will find him perambulating in his Cubicle, near the Fenester. Pray Sir, says the Porter, what is that Fenester? It is, replies the Scholar, the Diaphonous part of an Edifice, erected for the Introduction of Illumination, which so amazed the Porter, that at first he did not know what to think, till recovering himself, he went and enquired of another, who gave him plainer directions, in more intelligible terms.

FINIS.

[18.]   One being set upon by Robbers at five a Clock in the Morning, Gentlemen, says he to 'em, you open Shop very early to day.

[pg 85]

On Galla going to the Bath.

[8.]   There was one that died greatly in Debt, when it was reported in some company, where divers of his Creditors were, that he was dead; one began to say in good faith, then he hath Carried five hundred ducates of mine with him into the other world; and another of them said, and two hundred of mine; and some others spake of several sums of theirs: whereupon one that was amongst them said, Well, I see now, that though a man cannot carry any of his own with him, into the other world, yet he may carry other mens.

[17.]   A Western Lady was very Hospitable to many Gentlemen, and it happened a Knight came thither; and being a great House-wife, early in the Morning she called to her maids, and ask'd whether the Pigs were served; which the Knight hearing, said before the Gentlewoman at dinner, Madam are the Pigs served? Sir, says she, I know not whether you have had your breakfast yea or no.

On a farmer knighted.

[26.]   Some Gentlemen were sitting at a Coffee-house together, one was asking what News there was? T'other told him, There was forty thousand Men rose to day, which made them all stare about, and asked him to what end they rose, and what did they intend? Why faith, says he, only to go to bed at Night again.

Of Milo the Glutton.

[pg 87]

[18.]   A Person of Quality owed a Gentleman a Thousand Pounds. Meeting together in a fair Road, where both their Coaches went a good rate; the first looking out of the Coach called to the Gentleman, and begged a thousand Excuses. And I beg, said the Gentleman presently, a thousand Pounds.

FINIS.

Printed at London for Henry Gosson⁶⁰ dwelling upon London Bridge.  neare to the Gate.

⁶⁰ Henry Gosson published between 1607 and 1641.

Solution.

That is a thorn; for a man went to the wood and caught a thorn in his foot, and then he sate him down, and sought to have pull'd it out, and because he could not find it out he must needs bring it home.

[26.]   A rich and covetous Councellor of this Kingdom, that had an only Child, which was a Daughter and worth £20,000. A young and handsome Gentleman of good Birth though of no great Fortune; yet had so far insinuated himself into the young Lady's Favour, that she promis'd him Marriage, if he could get her Father's Consent. Immediately he comes for London, and goes to her Father, and told him, That he would give him £10 for a Fee if he could assist him in a business which did much concern him: which was, That there was a rich young Heiress in town, which had promised him marriage if it could any way be made good by Law: Why, says he, let her hire a Horse, and invite you to take her away, and let her get up before, and you behind that it may not be said that you rode away with her, but she with you, and let her go to the Minister, and tell him, 'tis her desire to be married to you, and to get a Licence accordingly; and when you are married, then be sure to bed her, and I'll warrant you she's your own. And this, says the Gentleman, you'll avouch for Law? He told him, Yes. Well Sir, says he, if you will set your Hand to it, I'll give you Ten Pounds more; which he did. Immediately he goes into the Country, and shews the young Lady what was done, and how 'twas done; and she accordingly performed her promise, and suddenly married and bedded; and having so continued a week they both came to London, and came to her Father, and fell down upon their knees to him, and craved his Blessing; which made him at first fly into harsh Language; but the Gentleman said, We have done nothing but what you avoucht for Law, and have it under your hand. The Lawyer fearing [pg 93] his Reputation might be brought in question, and seeing him to be a handsome and well bred Gentleman, and of a good family, clape both their hands together, and bid God bless them; and then gave them a subsistence for the present, and made over all to them after his death.

⁶¹ Far afore 'em.

On one in debt.

[4.]   A Gentleman that had never been used to Wounds, received a small scratch with a Sword in a Tavern Fray; at which he was sadly frighted, and sent immediately for a Chyrurgeon, who coming, and seeing the Wound but slight, and the Gentleman in a great fear: for sport's sake pretended great danger, and therefore sends his Man with great speed to fetch him such a Plaister: Why Sir, quoth the Gentleman, is the wound so dangerous? O Yes, replyed the Arch Chyrurgeon, for if he don't make great haste, it will heal of it self, before he comes.

Scylla toothlesse.

The extravagances of male attire in Charles the First's time justly called down the wrath of the Satirists, particularly of the [pg 94] Puritan School. The Cavaliers, however, were only effeminate in their dress, their gallant conduct in the Civil war proving them to be men of mettle. The subjoined is so faithful in its representation of the then height of fashion as to be almost removed from caricature, still the letterpress evidently intends it to be a satire as bitter as could be made by the Roundhead who penned it, who naturally believed in "the Unlovelinesse of Love Lockes."

1. [33.]His hat in fashion like a close-stoolepan.
2. Set on the top of his noddle like a coxcombe.
3. Banded with a calves tail, and a bunch of riband.
4. A feather in his hat, hanging down like a Fox taile.
5. Long haire, with ribands tied in it.
6. His face spotted.
7. His beard on the upper lip, compassing his mouth.
8. His chin thrust out, singing as he goes.
9. His band lapping over before.
10. Great band strings, with a ring tied.
11. A long wasted dubblet unbuttoned half way.
12. Little skirts.
13. His sleeves unbuttoned.
14. In one hand a stick, playing with it, in the other his cloke hanging.
15. His breeches unhooked ready to drop off.
16. His shirt hanging out.
17. His codpeece open tied at the top with a great bunch of riband.
18. His belt about his hips.[pg 95]
19. His sword swapping betweene his legs like a Monkeys taile.
20. Many dozen points at knees.
21. Above the points of either side two bunches of riband of severall colours.
22. Boot hose tops, tied about the middle of the Calfe, as long as a paire of shirt sleeves, double at the ends like a ruffe band.[pg 96]
23. The Tops of his boots very large turned down as low as his spurs.
24. A great paire of spurres, gingling like a Morrice dancer.
25. The feet of his boots 2 inches too long.
26. Two horns at each end of his foot, stradling as he goes.

Nov. 18, 1646.

[32.]   What work is that the faster ye work, longer is it ere ye have done, and the slower ye work the sooner ye make an end?

Solution. That is turning of a Spit; for if ye turn fast, it will be long ere the meat be roasted, but if ye turn slowly, the sooner it is roasted.

A new married Bride.

Of finding a hare.

[pg 97]

The next illustration is from a single sheet broadside entitled "Englands Wolfe with eagles clawes, or the cruell Impieties of Bloud-Thirsty Royalists, and blasphemous Anti-Parliamentarians, under the command of that inhumane Prince Rupert, Digby, and the rest. Wherein the barbarous Crueltie [pg 98] of our Civill uncivill Warres is briefly discovered. London: Printed by Matthew Simmons dwelling in Aldersgate Streete. 1646."

This broadside scarcely comes within the scope of this work, dealing as it does with the alleged cruelties committed by the Cavaliers; but the engraving clearly is a political satire, not only on the Cavaliers themselves, but on their extravagances in dress.

[18.]   If you ask why borrowed Books seldom return to their Owners? this is the Reason one gives for it: Because 'tis easier to keep 'em, than what is in them.

[8.]   There was a Painter became a Physician, whereupon one said to him, You have done well, for before the faults of your work were seen, but now they are unseen.

In Richardum quendam, Divitem, Avarum.

[pg 99]

To a New Tune, call'd, Dum, dum, dum; Or, I would I were in my own Country &c.

Licens'd and Enter'd according to Order.

⁶² For tune, see Appendix.

⁶³ A hazel switch.

[26.]   A Schoolmaster did always dictate to his Scholars. H non est Litera, that is H is no letter; and on a time he call'd one of the Scholars to him, and bid him heat the Cawdle, and when he askt for it, the Scholar told him, that he had done with the Cawdle as he bid him. What's that? says his Master, Why Sir, says he, I did eat it. Sirrah, says he, I bid you heat it with an H. Yes Sir, says he, But I did eat it with Bread.

[32.]   What is that that hath his belly full of man's meat and his mouth full of dirt? Solution. It is an Oven when it is full of bread, or pies, for that is man's meat, and the Ovens mouth is then closed with dirt.

In political satire it was not to be expected that so prominent a person as Prince Rupert, the son of James I.'s own sister, could come off scathless; but it is somewhat singular, and it shows the bitterness of the parties, that even his pets, his poodle dog, and his monkey, should provoke the satiric ire of the Roundhead writers. Both are historical, and, thanks to Thomason, whose wonderful collection, known as the "Kings Pamphlets," exists in the British Museum, the materials of their history are easily accessible to the student. The Prince's dog "Boy" was a white poodle, and it is somewhat curious to note that poodles, over 200 years since, were shaved so as to conserve the lionlike mane, although the dandyisms of tufts on the legs and tail seem to have been reserved for a later era.

"To him pudel."
'Roundhead Curr'

"Bite him, peper"
'Cauilier Dog'

His master must have had a special and peculiar affection for "Boy," as he, and a tame hare, "which used to follow him about & do his bidding with facility," were his solace [pg 104] when imprisoned at Lintz in 1641. According to a writer,⁶⁴ whose "Prince Ruperts diary" everybody would like to see, it was a "beautiful white dogge," was given him by Lord Arundell, and was "of a breede so famous that the Grand Turk gave it in particular injunction to his ambassador to obtaine him a puppie thereof." His nationality is given in a tract [36] as being either of German or Finland breed, and he must soon have become notorious, as Prince Rupert did not come over to England after his release from prison until February 1642; and we find from the accompanying engraving [36] that early the following year he was politically made use of for party purposes.

In this dialogue, which is too lengthy for reproduction here, it will be seen that he was already accredited with supernatural qualities.

"Tobies Dog.  .  .  .  I heare you are Prince Ruperts white Boy.

P. Rup. dog. I am none of his White Boy, my name is Puddle.

Tob. dog. A dirty name indeed, you are not pure enough for my company, besides I hear on both sides of my eares that you are a Laplander, or Fin land Dog, or truly no better than a Witch in the shape of a white Dogge.

.....

Tob. Dog. You are of Brackley breed, better to hang than to keep.

Pr. Rup. Dog. No, Sirrah, I am of high Germain breed;

Tob. Dog. Thou art a Reprobate, and a lying Curre; you were either whelpt in Lapland, or else in Fin land; where there is none but divells and Sorcerers live."

This supernatural idea seems to have had its rise in Boy's accompanying his master always, even on the battlefield, enjoying a marvellous immunity from harm. There is a very similar engraving to the accompanying, in a chap-book of "The History of the Blind Begger of Bednal Green" [38], where it does duty for "Young Monford Riding to the Wars, [pg 105] where he unhapily lost his Eye sight."⁶⁵ And I have no doubt but that in this present work the engraving to "The Poets Dream" is an old woodcut of Prince Rupert and his dog Boy.

Dauentry

Brimidgham

In another tract of the time [39] are plentiful allusions to his being a witch. "Grumbling Sir, or counterfeit Lapland Lady, I admire thy impudence in calling thyself a Lady: Art thou a Lady and hast so much haire?... Thou wouldst be a rough bed fellow for the Divell himself; if thou art not a Divell thyself, thou hast conditions sutable to thy shape, for thou doest snarle and bite at the Parliament, and hast learnt that quality from other Popish Dogs; good thou canst do [pg 106] none to the Prince, for that is contrary to the nature of a Witch, which in some respects thou unjustly doest assume, but in other conditions most fitly, for a Witch will dine or suppe with a roasted crab squittering in the fire, or with a few boild Onions and a draught of Buttermilke which one of her neighbours gave her for fear more than for love, but thou doest fare most deliciously of the rumps and wings of Capons, and Kidneys, and art indeed better fed than taught. Besides a Witch will lie upon an old straw bed with her house Cat which seems instead of her bed fellow. But the Kings chair of state and all the embroydered velvet stools are thy day couches, where thou lyest and sleepest with thy malignant eyes half open, and canst winke at small and great faults as thou doest for occasion. But then thou art a Witch again in some conditions, for they are overgrown with ugly gray hair which hangs down about their shoulders, and so art thou, Boy. Witches are ready to doe mischief, but can do no good, and such are thy malignant qualities, Boy; Pardon me, for though our gracious King loves thee, it is not as thou art a Witch but as thou art Prince Robert's dog." And this attack on poor Boy winds up with calling him "a very cowardly malignant cur," though he look like a lion.

Another tract [40] talks of "her cousen Prince Ruperts with her white Tog, which as her Moderns hold is a Prince disguis'd." And Cleveland [41] in his ode "to Prince Rupert" sings to poor Boy's disadvantage, and holds him up as a bugbear.

In a contemporary tract [36] Boy is accredited with being invulnerable, and he had escaped the chances of war in a remarkable manner. It would be a pity to curtail the extract, as it shows well the political amenities of that age. "The Challenge which Prince Griffins Dogge called Towzer hath sent to Prince Rupert's Dog whose name is Puddle, daring him to meet him at the Parish Garden this present Lent to try a combate before the Worship full the Beares, who are appointed to be their Judges in that Case.——Thou worme of Wickednesse, fritter of Folly, spawne of doggednesse, and piece of mungrele stuffe; in regard of thy base grumbling words and bawling against thy betters. Besides that, is honest Pepper. Tobies Dogge your match, no he is too milde for thee; thou should have given notice of your Treaty and discourse to me who am thy equall, thou shouldst have found enough of me, for I will have thee know, that I eate as good Rumps and Kidneyes as ever thou, base Cur, dost; when I have you at the place appointed I will so rump you, and so frump you, that I will leave you never a rumpe nor yet a kidney, no, not with a heart as big as a hen or chickins: I doe now with open mouth defie thee and all thy proceedings, and doe challenge thee to meet me at the place before mentioned, there will I fight, tug and teare thee in a single combate, where I mean to rend thee in pieces, and be revenged on thee, base cur. And⁶⁶ although I hear thou art impenitrable and likewise besmeared [pg 108] over with inchaunted oyle, so that no weapon, bullet nor sword can enter thee to make thee bleed; yet I have teeth which I have newly whetted shall so fasten and teare your German or Finland hide limb meale, and then flea thy skin and hang it on the hedg, and give thy pomperd flesh to those Iudges which we are to fight before, (namely the Worshipfull the Bears), to satisfie their hungry mawes this Lent; let me hear your dogged answer, or else I will proclaim thee Coward in print, and set thy name upon every whipping post &c.... Expect no favour from mee, nor will I from you; I will end the difference. I will have no Outlandish cur domineer in our Land. So saith your Surley foe Towzer, and servant to Prince Griffin."

Long after poor Boy's death he was associated with Prince Rupert, for instance [42]—

Boy at all events proved mortal, for he met with his death, after escaping in many battlefields, at Marston Moor, on 2d July 1644; and great rejoicings were made by the Puritan faction over his death. One of the "King's Pamphlets" is entirely devoted to him [43], and from this the accompanying engraving is taken. Here poor Boy, who is environed by a [pg 109] hail of bullets, is represented as being "killed by a Valliant Souldier, who had skill in Necromancy." And to keep up the idea of his supernatural birth a witch is standing by, lamenting. The "Elegie" commences with "P. Ruperts Sorrow."

It goes on with a fabulous supernatural pedigree of Boy.

And after a long political diatribe it winds up thus—

Morrall.

So famous was Boy, that the different newspapers gave his death as a special piece of intelligence [44]—"I may not omit to tell you that Prince Rupert lost his Bever, and his horse, and also his Dog was slain, and lay dead neere the Beanfield, where divers affirme the Prince hid himselfe, after a little service, till it was dark, and then he got to Yorke." Again [45]—"As for newes from the North, I heare it further confirmed, that the rumour which was here about Towne concerning P^r Ruperts hiding himselfe in a Beane field, and for [pg 110] which act hee is almost quite out of the Malignants bookes, is acknowledged to be most certaine, Nay, and I myselfe have heard it confessed from the mouths of some notorious Malignants: It had beene brave, with a blood hound there to have found him out, the plunderings, cruelties, Massacrings, rapes, and bloodshed, which lie upon his conscience, and which he cannot but beare about continually, must needs have yelded a strong scent to betray him unto revenge. But though his Necromantick Dogge, his Mephistophiles, was slaine, yet he seemes he made a shift to get secure into Yorke, and there to sweare the Townesmen into an opinion of his Victory." And in another newspaper [48] he is mentioned thus—"Amongst the dead Men and Horses which lay on the ground, wee found Prince Ruperts Dog killed. (This is onely mentioned by the way; because the Prince his Dog, hath been much spoken of, and was more prized by his Master than Creatures of much more worth.)"

A contemporary tract [46] (which is a dry political discussion, and has nothing whatever to do with the title-page) furnishes the accompanying engraving, which is exceedingly graphic. Here we again see poor Boy, exactly as described, lying "dead neere the Beanfield," which is represented with preraphaelite fidelity. It is also hinted at in the engraving [pg 111] which shows him being shot "by a Valliant Soulder, who had skill in Necromancy," but in this one is introduced the head of Prince Rupert, who is supposed to be there hiding.

His baggage fell into the hands of the victorious Parliamentarians, and the satirist cannot help having a fling at the Prince's Romish proclivities, as the contents of his sumpter horses' baggage shows bulls, crucifixes, images, a bell, etc. On this subject there is another satire [47]—"The Catholikes Petition to Prince Rupert," from which the accompanying engraving is taken.

But the Prince had another pet, a she monkey, and the satirist must needs make that inoffensive animal a mark at which to spit his spite, although nothing like the supernatural powers of Boy were attributed to her. There are two portraits extant of her, but I have only reproduced one, the dresses in both cases being precisely similar, and may probably represent her real costume [49]. In this tract she is described as—"I never saw such a strange fashioned creature in my life; for she hath a kind of Round-head as smooth as an apple, and if there be any Round-head this Munkey is one, her brow is low and wrinkled hanging over her little eyes; her nose thats flatt is very short, her cheekes are leane and lanke, and her thin lipps do hardly cover her teeth, the complection of her whole face is swarthy, cover'd with hayre greene as mosse, and lastly she [pg 112] hides her head in a black bagg, moreover she weares a greene or yellow gowne trimmed about with lace, & a girdle about her middle by the which she is fastned to the nave of a wheele, for the Prince is full of feares and Jelousies that if she were loose she would steale away into some wood and live there upon nutts and apples.... Thus P. Ruperts Monkey is a kind of old, little, wrinkled, old faced, petulant, wanton, and malignant gentlewoman ... that sometimes rides upon the beast that is Prince Rupert's dog....

[pg 113]

The colour of her dress is also described in a tract, before quoted from [39]—"And Prince Roberts Monkey dare not come thither, lest the Parliaments Bitch should tear her green coat off from her back."

Her food is described in another tract [50]—"She would eat no oatmeal, nor lome of walls to cure her infirmitie, but the longest whitest sugar plums she could put into her mouth, were most delightfull to her taste, and had such a ravenous appetite to fruit that she would swallow all but the stones, and having gotten a delectable bit in her mouth, she would onely suck the juice out of it and then spit out the rest.... Moreover this Monkey was and is by nature a notable plunderer not onely of studdies and closets, into which, if she got, she would teare the books, spill the ink, and eat the sweetmeats."

This is about all I dare reproduce about this pet of Prince Rupert's, the remainder of these tracts being filled with political allusions, which are somewhat hard to be understood now, and of no interest to this book, the remainder being written somewhat more coarsely than usual. But enough has been said about them to show how the satirists of that age seized upon any thing which they could turn to their purpose.

⁶⁴ Memoirs of Prince Rupert and the Cavaliers, by Eliot Warburton. Lond. 1849.

⁶⁵ This is reproduced on p. 360 of "Chap Books of the 18th Century," by John Ashton. Lond. 1882.

⁶⁶ These italics are mine.

⁶⁷ The exact meaning of these garments seems to be in doubt. They were probably some kind of skirt.

The Connicatcher⁶⁸ and Priest of Paris.

[52.]   A lewd knave, a Cheater, espied a wealthy Priest, whose purse was full of money, lately arrived in the City of Paris out of the Countrey to buy necessaries, and with a bold face saluted him, requested his aid in a small matter concerning a man of his own calling. What's that, (quoth the Priest?) It is, Sir, (quoth he) this. The Parson of our Towne hath given mee money to buy a Surplesse, and I, having small knowledge in it, would request your ayde in the Choyce of a good one, making no question of your good skill. With all my heart (quoth the Priest.)

Comming to the shop of sale, the Connicatcher called for some choyce Surplesses, and desired the Priest to choose out one of the best. Which done, intreated him to assay it, [pg 115] whether it were in all points as it ought to be. The Priest was nimble at his game, for it was his dayly exercise, but the Cheater found fault with the making, bearing out such an uncomly bulke at his right side. Oh (quoth the Priest) my girdle and pouch is cause of that, and immediately loosed his girdle and pouch, willing the Connicatcher to hold it till he had better girded up the Surplesse as it ought to be. The Connicatcher having as much as he desired suddenly leapt out of the shop and ranne away as fast as he could with the Priests girdle and pouch full of money. The Priest turning about, and seeing his purse and money flying for religion (sic) made all the haste he could in the Surplesse after the Connicatcher, crying and calling Hold the Theefe, Hold the Theefe, The Connicatcher cried out. Hold the Priest, for he is mad, and will kill me: the shopkeeper followed as fast as he could and cried, Stop the Priest, for he hath stolne my Surplesse. The people halfe amazed at this accident, laid hold on the Priest, but before he could declare his misfortune, the Connicatcher was gone far enough, not to be caught again in haste. Which caused much good laughter, and the Priest payed for the Surplesse.

⁶⁸ A sharper.

On Bond the Usurer.

[17.]   One that had sore eyes, was jeer'd by another that was clear ey'd; who told him they were not so sore, but that he could see a knave: It may be so, says he, but you must look in a Glass then.

[pg 116]

[18.]   A Citizen telling a Courtier that he had just then eased himself of a great Burden by paying a Debt he owed, and that he could not apprehend how any Man could sleep that was in Debt; For my part, answered the Courtier, I should rather wonder how my Creditors can sleep, well knowing that I shall never pay them.

[4.]   A certain Knave asking a virtuous Gentlewoman, jearingly, What was honesty? she answered, What's that to you? Meddle with those things that concern you.

Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball near the Bear Tavern in Pye Corner.

⁶⁹ For tune, see Appendix.

⁷⁰ Fir-trees.

⁷¹ 16th Dec. 1671. See the Kings Bench Prisoners Thanks to his Majesty for their late Deliverance By his Majesties Most Gracious Act. (82. l.8)/53 s. sh. fol.

The dumbe wife recovered her speech.

[52.]   A certaine Farmer had taken to wife a dumb woman, and hearing of a great Magician lately come into England, he tooke horse and rode to him, and demanded if there were no help for a woman that had lost her speech. The Magician answered, Yes, it is an easie matter, and told him hee must take an Aspen leafe, and lay it under her tongue, and it would instantly help her. The Farmer was joy'd with this tidings, and returned in haste homewards, suspecting in himselfe the vertue of his new receit, and therefore to make the matter more sure, he tooke three Aspen leaves, and laid them all three under his wifes tongue, who immediately began to talk and prate very nimbly, and in the end, upon a very small occasion to curse and raile downeright upon her husband, as if shee had beene mad. The Farmer was now in a peck of troubles, and posted in all hast to the Magician, certifying him of this unhappy accident. The Magician demanded if hee absolutely followed his counsell. The Farmer answered No, for (quoth he) instead of one leaf I have used three, hoping to make the matter surer. Marry then, God help thee, (quoth the Magician) for it is an easie matter to make a woman speak, but to make her hold her tongue is past my cunning. Nay, all the devills in Hell could never worke such a wonder. Whereat the Farmer much grieved, departed.

[pg 121]

[32.]   What is that the more ye lay on, the faster it wasteth?

Solution. That is a Whetstone, for the more ye whet the less is the Whetstone.

⁷² See footnote, ante (F. 52).

[8.]   A seaman coming before the Judges of the Admiralty for admittance into office in a ship bound for the Indies, was by one of the Judges much sleighted, as an insufficient person [pg 122] for that office which he sought for to acquire; till the Judge telling him that he believed that he could not say the points of his Compass; the Seaman answered, better than he could say his Pater Noster: The Judge replyed, that he would wager twenty shillings with him of that; so the Seaman taking him up, it came to trial, and the Seaman began and said all the points of his Compass very exactly; the Judge likewise said his Pater Noster, and when he had finished it, he required the wager according to the agreement, because the Seaman was to say his Compass better than he his Pater Noster, which he had not performed: nay hold, quoth the Sea man, the wager is not finished, for I have but half done; and so he immediately said his Compass backward very exactly, which the Judge failing of in his Pater Noster, the Seaman carried away the prize.

[17.]   One having a very great Nose, and thin beard, was told the shadow of his Nose did hinder his Beard's growth.

[26.]   An Apothecary in Oxford spoke to a Country man by way of Jeer to bring him some live Rats, and he would give him eighteen pence a piece for them; and a fortnight after he brought them; and then the Apothecary told him, That he was provided the day before. The Country Fellow seeing he was abused, was resolved to be quit with him, saying, I am unwilling (seeing I have brought them) to carry them back again; and told him he would take three pence out in Physick at some time or other; and so opened his Bag, and let them about the Shop, which did so whisk up and down the Shelves, that in a little space they broke him about forty Pots and Glasses, and could never get rid of them since. Probatum est.

[pg 123]

A Courtier and a Scholler meeting.

[4.]   A Lady going to Mass to present her Tapers, fixed one to St. Michael, and another to the Devil that was at his Feet. The Clerk seeing her, told her she did not well to offer a Candle to the Devil. No matter, says the Lady, 'tis good to have Friends every where; for we know not where we shall go.

[8.]   There was a gentleman fell very sick, and a friend of his said to him, Surely you are in danger, I pray you send for a Physician; but the sick man answered, It is no matter, for if I die I will die at leisure.

[pg 124]

Printed in London for E. B.

⁷³ For tune, see Appendix.

⁷⁴ ?Sneak.

⁷⁵ William Evans, a Welshman in the service of Charles I. He was 7 ft. 6 in. high and at a masque at Whitehall drew Sir Jeffrey Hudson out of his pocket. There used to be a bas-relief over Bull's Head Court in Newgate Street, of "The King's Porter and Dwarf."

⁷⁶ Dr. John Lambe was an impostor who early in the 17th century practised fortune-telling, juggling, showing a magic crystal, and recovering stolen goods. He was indicted at Worcester for witchcraft, after which he removed to London, where he got into trouble, and he was finally pelted to death by an infuriated mob on 13th June 1628. There is a very rare pamphlet on this subject—"A brief description of the notorious life of John Lambe, otherwise called Dr. Lambe, together with his ignominious death, with a wood-cut of the populace pelting him to death in the City of London." 4^o 1628.

⁷⁷ Banks was a Scotchman, and his performing horse had the rare honour of being alluded to by Shakspeare ("Love's Labour's Lost" Act i. s. 2). Moth says to Armado. "Why Sir, is this such a piece of study? Now here's three studied, ere you'll thrice wink; and how easy it is to put years to the word three, and study three years in two words, the dancing horse will tell you." The horse was certainly wonderfully trained, and is spoken of in Tarlton's Jests, as having picked him out as being the biggest fool in the company. His tricks were marvellous, but perhaps his most noted feat was riding up the steeple of St. Paul's in the year 1600. This feat is mentioned in the following books. Decker's Dead-Tearme—Owle's Almanack, 1618—The Meeting of Gallants at an Ordinarie, or the Walkes in Powles, 1604—The Blacke Booke, 1604—Northward Hoe, 1607—Rowley's Search for Money, 1609—Decker's Gul's Horn-book, 1609—and His Jests to make you merie, 1607. The horse afterwards went a continental trip, where he excited great wonder, and his high training was put down to witchcraft. Indeed a rumour was spread about that both he and his master were burnt for sorcery; but this was not so, for in Charles I.'s reign mention is more than once made of Banks being a vintner in Cheapside. The horse's name was Marocco, and there was a very curious book printed in 1595, called "Maroccus extaticus or Bankes Bay Horse in a Trance," etc.

The Tanner and the Butcher's dogge.

[52.]   A Country Tanner that was runing hastily through Eastcheape and having a long Pike-Staffe on his shoulder, [pg 129] one of the Butchers dogs caught him by the breech. The fellow got loose, and ranne his pike into the Dogs throat, and killed him. The Butcher seeing that his Dog was kill'd tooke hold of the Tanner, and carried him before the Deputy, who asked him, What reason he had to kill the dogge? For mine owne defence (quoth the Tanner). Why, quoth the Deputy, hast thou no other defence but present death? Sir, quoth the Tanner, London fashions are not like the Countries, for here the stones are fast in the streets, and the Dogs are loose, but in the Country, the dogs are fast tied, and the stones are loose to throw at them; and what should a man do in this extremity, but use his staffe for his own defence? Marry (quoth the Deputy) if a man will needs use his staffe, he might use his blunt end, and not the sharp pike. True, Master Deputy, quoth the Tanner, but you must consider, if the Dog had used his blunt end, and runne his taile at me, then had there good reason for me to do the like; but I vow Master Deputy, the Dogge came sharpe at me, and fastned his teeth in my breech, and I again ranne sharp at him, and thrust my pike into his belly. By my faith a crafty knave, quoth the Deputy, if you will both stand to my verdict, send for a quart of wine, be friends, and so you are both discharged.

Cede majoribus.

[32.]   What is the most profitable beast, and that men eat least on?   Solution. It is a Bee, for it maketh both hony and wax, and yet costeth his master nothing the keeping.

[54.]   Act 1. s. 6. Dame Purecraft. Win the fight Littlewit (her daughter) John Little wit (a Proctor, Win's husband) Zeal of the land Busy (a Banbury⁷⁸ man suitor to Dame Purecraft.)

Purecraft.   Now the blaze of the beauteous discipline, fright away this evill from our house! how now Win the fight, Child: how do you? Sweet child, speake to me.

Win.   Yes forsooth.

Pure.   Looke up, sweet Win the fight, and suffer not the enemy to enter you at this doore, remember that your education has bin with the purest; what polluted one was it, that nam'd first the uncleane beast, Pigge, to you, Child?

Win.   Uh, uh.

John.   Not I, o' my sincerity, mother; she long'd above three houres, ere she would let me know it; who was it Win?

Win.   A prophane blacke thing with a beard, John.

Pure.   O! resist it, Win the fight, it is the Tempter, the wicked Tempter, you may know it by the fleshly motion of Pig; be strong against it, and its foule temptations, in these assaults, whereby it broacheth flesh and blood, as it were, on the weaker side, and pray against its carnall provocations, good child, sweet child, pray.

John.   Good mother, I pray you, that she may eate some Pigge, and her bellyfull too; and doe not you cast away your owne child, and perhaps one of mine, with your tale of the Tempter: how doe you, Win? Are you not sicke?

[pg 131]

Win.   Yes, a great deale John (uh, uh).

Pure.   What shall we doe? call our zealous brother Busy hither, for his faithfull fortification in this charge of the adversary; childe, my dear childe, you shall eate Pigge; be comforted, my sweet childe.

Win.   I,⁷⁹ but i' the Fayre, mother.

Pure.   I meane i' the Fayre, if it can be any way made, or found lawfull; where is our brother Busy? Will hee not come? looke up, Child.

John.   Presently, mother, as soone as he has cleans'd his beard. I found him fast by the teeth, i' the cold Turkey pye, i' th' cupbord, with a great white loafe on his left hand, and a glasse of Malmesey on his right.

Pure.   Slander not the Brethren wicked one.

John.   Here hee is, now, purified, Mother.

Pure.   O brother Busy! your helpe heere to edifie, and raise us up in a Scruple, my daughter Win the fight is visited with a naturall disease of women; call'd A longing to eate Pigge.

John.   I, Sir, a Bartholomew⁸⁰ pigge; and in the Fayre.

Pure.   And I would be satisfied from you, Religiously-wise, whether a widdow of the sanctified assembly, or a widdowes daughter, may commit the act, without offence to the weaker sisters.

Busy.   Verily, for the disease of longing, it is a disease, a carnall disease, or appetite, incident to women: and as it is carnall, and incident, it is naturall, very naturall: Now Pigge, it is a meat, and a meat that is nourishing, and may be long'd for, and so consequently eaten; it may be eaten; very exceeding well eaten; but in the Fayre, and as a Bartholomew-pig it can not be eaten, for the very calling it a Bartholomew-pigge, and to eate it so, is a spice of Idolatry, and you make the Fayre no better than one of the high Places. This, I take it is the state of the question. A high place.

John.   I, but in a state of necessity, Place should give place Mr Busy. (I have a conceit left, yet)

[pg 132]

Pure.   Good brother Zeale of the land, thinke to make it as lawfull as you can.

John.   Yes, Sir, and as soone as you can; for it must be, Sir; you see the danger my little wife is in Sir.

Pure.   Truely, I doe love my child dearely, and I would not have her miscarry or hazard her first fruites if it might be otherwise.

Busy.   Surely, it may be otherwise, but it is subject to construction, subject, and hath a face of offence, with the weake, a great face, a foule face, but that face may have a vaile put over it and be shaddowed, as it were, it may be eaten, and in the Fayre, I take it, in a Booth, the tents of the wicked: the place is not much, not very much, we may be religious in midst of the prophane, so it be eaten with a reformed mouth, with Sobriety, and humblenesse; not gorg'd in with gluttony, or greedinesse; there's the feare: for should she goe there, as taking pride in the place, or delight in the uncleane dressing, to feed the vanity of the eye, or the lust of the palat, it were not well, it were not fit, it were abominable, and not good.

John.   Nay, I knew that afore, and told her on't, but courage, Win, we'll be humble enough; we'll seek out the homeliest Booth i' the Fayre, that's certaine; rather than faile, wee'll eate it o' the ground.

......

Busy.   In the way of comfort to the weake, I will goe, and eat. I will eate exceedingly, and prophesie; there may be a good use made of it, too, now I thinke on't; by the publike eating of Swines flesh, to professe our hate, and loathing of Iudaisme, whereof the brethren stand taxed; I will therefore eate, yea, I will eate exceedingly.

⁷⁸ A synonym for a Puritan, as Butler says in Hudibras—

⁷⁹ I is frequently used for ay.

⁸⁰ It was the proper thing to eat roast sucking pig at Bartholomew fair.

Why women weare a fall.

[pg 133]

[32.]   What is it that goeth to the water, and leaveth its guts at home? Solution. It is a pillow beer,⁸¹ for when it goeth to washing, the pillow and the feathers be left at home.

⁸¹ Pillow case.

[17.]   Two Widdows sitting by the fire, were chatting together of their dead Husbands; and one said, come, let us have another candle, for my poor Husband lov'd light, God send him Light ever lasting; and says the other; My poor Husband lov'd a good fire, I wish him Fire everlasting.

[26.]   A Young Country Fellow went a Wooing to a Country Lass, and he had on then a speck and Span new Suit with Silver Buttons also; and in all his Discourse with her, he used all the Art he could, to have her take notice of his Buttons; at last when he saw she would take no Notice of them at all: Well, says he, these Silver Buttons keep me so warm: Yes, says she, you had best lie in them all night, lest you should take cold this frosty weather.

[pg 134]

FINIS.

Printed at London for H. G.

⁸² Strutting.

⁸³ Seize.

A Witty answer of a Countrey fellow.

[52.]   A Country fellow walking London Streets, and gazing up and down at every sight he saw, some mockt him, others pulled him by the Cloake, in so much he could not passe in quiet. He having as much wit, as the boyes knavery, thought hee would requite them for their kinde salutations, with something to laugh at, and to try their wits; and, comming to Paul's gate, where they sell pinnes and Needles, the boyes being very saucie, pulled him by the cloake, and one said. What lacke you friend? another, What lacke you Countryman? Quoth the fellow, minding to make himself some sport, I want a hood for a Humble Bee, or a payre of Spectacles for a blinde Beare: which so amazed the boy, that he had nothing to reply, and the Countrey Man went laughing away.

[32.]   What is that which 20 will goe into a Tankard, and one will fill a Barn?

Solution. It is 20 Candles not lighted and one lighted.

[4.]   A brisk young Lady, seeing the Sheriff of a County who was a comely young Man, wait upon the Judge who was an old Man, was asked by one, which she had most mind to, the Judge or the Sheriff? She answered, the Sheriff. He asking the reason, she replied, That she loved Judgement well, but Execution much better.

[52.]   It chanced, on a Bartholomew-day, when men keep Boothes in Smithfield, a Countrey Gentleman having some Store of money (and no lesse honesty) about him, comming to the Faire, would, amongst the rest needes view the pictures at that time hanging in the Cloysters, where was then much variety of postures, personages, stories, landskips, and such like, which carieth away the Senses, to a kinde of admiration for the present: and as he was thus gazing up and down, there comes a nimble diver (as at that time there resorts many) and closes with him, and quickly draws his purse forth of his pocket, and away he hies him presently: the Gentleman mist his purse, but knew not how to helpe himselfe. Going home to his lodging, and pondering in his minde how either to regain his losses, or to be revenged on the Pick-pocket, at length he bethought himself of this device: he caused an honest Taylor to sew a certain number of Fish hookes within, and round about the mouth of his pocket; with the poynts of the hookes hanging downward, and the next day hies him to [pg 140] the same place, in another Countrey like habit, and baites his Pocket with more money, and there he stood gazing againe at the pictures, presently his former fish (or one of his fraternity) closes with him again, and dives, which the Gentleman being watchfull of, gives a slip aside and had presently strucke the nibling fish into the hand, and feeling him fast, begins to goe away, and the more he hastes away, the deeper the hookes went into the Divers hand, Oh, (quoth the Pick-pocket) how now Sir (quoth the Gentleman) what makes your hand in my Pocket? Pull it out I say: Oh Sir (quoth he) I beseech you be good to me: The people gathering together, imagined the Gentleman had an inchanted Pocket, and that the fellow had not power to pull forth his hand again, they would have him before the Justice. No (quoth the Gentleman) Ile carry him myselfe, so away he went (with the fellowes hand in his Pocket) to a Taverne, with two or three of his friends, and told him what he had lost there the day before, and unlesse he would restore it, he would have him before a Justice: which match the fellow for feare of hanging, willingly condescended to surrender. And that ten pound, and ten shillings more towards the mending of his Pocket: so the Gentleman being well satisfied, ript forth his pocket, and away went the Cutpurse, who had so much picking worke to get out of his hands, he could not use his trade for a Moneth after.

[32.]   I came to a tree where were apples, I eat no apples, I gave away no apples, nor I left no apples behind me: and yet I eat, gave away, and left behind me. Solution. There were three apples on the tree, for I eat one apple, gave away one apple, and left one. So I eat no apples, for I eat but one apple, which is no apples, and thus I gave away no apples, for I gave but one, and thus I left no apples for I left but one.

[8.]   When Sir Thomas Moore lived in the City of London, being one of the Justices of Peace, he used to go to the Sessions at New-gate, where it fell out that one of the ancientest Justices of the Bench was wont to chide the poor men whose purses had been cut, for not being more careful; telling them their negligence was the cause that so many cut-purses were brought thither, which when Sir Thomas Moore observed him so often to repeat at one time, especially; the night after, he sent for one of the chief Cut-purses that was in prison, and promised to save him harmless, and stand his friend too, if he would cut the aforesaid Justices Purse the next day as he sate on the Bench, and then presently make a sign of it to him: the fellow very gladly promiseth him to do it the next day; therefore, when they sate again, that Thief was called among the first, who, being accused of his fact, said he did not doubt but that he could sufficiently excuse himself, if he were permitted to speak to some of the Bench in private. He was therefore bid to chuse one who he would, and presently he chose that grave old man, who then had his pouch at his girdle, as they wore them in those dayes; and whilst he whispered him in the ear, he cunningly cut his purse, and then solemnly taking his leave, returns to his place. Sir Thomas knowing by a private sign, that the business was dispatcht, presently took occasion to move the Bench to distribute some alms to a poor needy fellow that was there, and for good example began himself to do it; when the old man came to open his purse, and sees it cut away, and, much wondering, said he was confident he brought it with him when he came thither that morning, Sir Thomas replied presently, What! will you charge any of us with felony? But his choler rising, and he being ashamed of the thing, Sir Thomas calls the Cut-purse and bids him give him his purse again, and withal advised the good old Justice hereafter Not to be so bitter a censurer of innocent mens negligence, when as himself could not secure his purse in that open assembly.

[pg 142]

FINIS.

Imprinted at London for Edward Wright.⁸⁵—

⁸⁴ For tune, see Appendix.

⁸⁵ Edward Wright lived at Christ Church Gate, and published between 1620 and 1655, at which date he assigns to W. Gilbertson.

[17.]   Two riding down a great hill together, one said, it was dangerous riding down: No, says t'other, I will not light; for I have but one pair of shooes, and I shall spoil 'em: says the other, and I have but one neck, and I fear I shall spoil that, and therefore I'l. light.

[52.]   Three loytring companions that fell in company together, domineered and swaggered so long, that all their mony was quite consumed and gone. So being pennilesse, and having little or no credit at all left, one of them said, Wee are now in a faire taking: for we may, if we please seek our Dinners with Duke Humphry. Nay, hold (quoth the second) If I come where any presse of people be, I can get mony enough for us all. And I (quoth the third) can as easily assemble people. They were at that time not much above two miles from a small Towne in Bark shire, where, when as thither they came, there was a new Pillory, newly set up, which the third of them seeing, steps to the Bailiffe, [pg 148] and desires him to have the first turn at their new Pillory. The Bailiffe, being a Butcher, was half amazed, and standing a while musing, at the last asked counsell of his honest neighbours, and they bad him set up the knave and spare not. So he makes no more a doe, but up he went, and when he was up, he looked about, and saw his two fellow Cheaters busie with their hands in the holes of the Butcher's aprons, where they put all their money. To it, to it (quoth he) apace. The people laughed heartily to see him stand there. At last, when he saw that his fellows had sped their matters, and were going away, he said to the Bailiffe, Turn the Pillory about, and now I will come down. So he, laughing heartily, did. And when he was come down, the Bailiffe said, now art thou an honest good fellow, and because thou hast made us some sport, I will give thee a Teaster to drink; and, thinking to take some money out of the hole of his apron, he found there never a penny. Cockes armes, quoth the Bailiffe, my money is picked out of my apron; and then the rest of the Butcher's besides swore they had lost theirs also. I hope, quoth the fellow, you do not think that I have it. No, certainly, quoth the Bailiffe, I know well enough thou hast it not; for thou wert on the pillory all the while. Why then no harm, for I did it to make you merry, quoth the fellow, and so went his wayes.

⁸⁶ A "façon de parler;" a stater really was a tetradrachm in silver, and was worth about half a crown.

⁸⁷ Hempen.

The following is a Satire on card-playing, which, doubtless, was carried to excess by the Cavaliers in Charles I.'s time.

"Ile trump that Sir"

[pg 151]

Conditions of Sale.

First. He who bids most is the Buyer, and if any Difference arises, she is to be put up again.

Secondly. That no Person shall bid less than £500 the first Proposal, and always advance £100.

Thirdly. That all of them shall be bound up in Silks; and if any shall happen to be otherwise, the Party that buys them shall be at Liberty to take them away or leave them.

By E. Cl——r Auctioneer that sold the young Heiress in Q—— Street.

[18.]   An Author's House being on fire whilst he was poring on his Books, he called to his Wife and bad her look to it. You know, says he, I don't concern myself with the household.

[17.]   One parting a Fray, was cut into the Scul: says the Surgeon, Sir, one may see your brains: Nay then I'l be hang'd, says he, for if I had had any brains, I had never come there.

[17.]   A Gentleman losing his way galloping furiously over the plow'd Lands towards Tame, and meeting one, said, Friend is this the way to Tame? Yes Sir, says he, your Horse, if he be as wild as the Devil.

[pg 153]

FINIS

Printed for J Wright, J Clark, W Thackeray, and T. Passinger—

[61.]   There were two good fellows of ancient society (who had not seen one another in a great space of tyme) that one morning very luckily met each other in Budge Row, and after some signes of gladnesse to meet so happily, they agreed upon a mornings draught, which lasted almost till noon, in which time they were both sufficiently liquor'd. But their bellies being fuller than their brains, they did resolve to bring up the rear of that morning's action with a Cup of Canary; away they went to the Swan Tavern at Dowgate, where for three hours longer they sat pecking at one another, like two Game Cocks at the end of a battaile, untill both their Eyes were in a very glimmering Condition. In the mean time, whilst they were thus toaping, there fell an exceeding violent and continuing glut of Rain, so that it flowed up to the threshold of the Tavern door, and no passenger could get over: By this time [pg 156] my good fellows having call'd, and paid the reckoning, they both came reeling to the door, and seeing so broad a water tumbled down Dowgate, one of them swore it was the Thames, and began to call a Sculler; the other being unwilling to engage further, said he would take his leave, which he did with so low a bending Complement, that his britch touching a little too hard against the stump of a post which was behind him, that it made him rebound into the middle of the stream with his head forward. The unfortunate fellow was no sooner in, but he began to stretch forth his Armes and Leggs to swim; the other which stood upon the shore, cryed out lamentably for the danger of his friend, and deploring the loss of so good a fellow, and what loss his Wife and Children would suffer in his death. But in conclusion (as the last word of Comfort) he calls out to him in these words. Dost thou hear Friend! Friend! if thou canst but Gaine Temple Staire's thou wilt be safe, I warrant thee, unto which the swimming man made reply. A pox of Gaine, I do not think of Gaine, if I can but save myself, I care not.

Quidam erat.

⁸⁸ This is hardly warranted by fact. See Mark xii. 42; Luke xi. 27; Luke xxiv. 22.

[pg 157]

[26.]   A great German Prince, that was much addicted to Drinking, had drank so much one day, that the next he was very sick; then his Fool came in to him and askt him, why he was so melancholly? he told him his Sickness was occasion'd by drinking yesterday: Why then, says the Fool, if that be all, I'll be your Physician; that is, if you are ill with drinking one day, take a Hare of the same Dog. Well, says the Prince, and what the second day? The Fool told him the same again: And what the third day? the same too. And what at the fourth? Why the same. We'll come to the purpose, says he, and what the fifth day? Why Faith, says he, then you'll be as arrant a Fool as I am.

1. [62.]A Country Gentleman, who has a very delicate Seat between 20 and 30 Miles off London, and a very considerable Estate, a very Proper Comely Person, but not very Witty.
2. A Linnen Draper near the Stocks Market, a very handsome Genteel Man.
3. A Milliner on the Royal Exchange, much admired for his Handsomness and Gentility.
4. A Clergyman near Exeter, but now in Town, a pretty Black Man, a very good Scholar, proposes for a Joynture £200 per Ann. in Free-land.
5. A Bookseller near the Exchange a very Sober Man, a Man of a Good Trade, besides some Estate.
6. [pg 158]A Linnen Drapers Son in Cornhill, a very pretty genteel Man, his Father a Man of a very good Estate.
7. A Goldsmith behind the Exchange—so, so.—
8. A Miliner in Cheapside, near the end of Bread Street, very genteel but no conjurer.
9. For the Brewers Daughter, a Lace Man in Pater Noster Row, who loves the smell of Malt and good Ale, of good heighth and Stature, and Stomach answerable.
10. A Coffee Man, well lin'd with Broad Pieces of Gold, and has a good Trade, a Widdower, wants a Bar keeper.
11. A lusty, stout proportion'd Man, had a good Estate before the Fire,⁸⁹ and is still fit for Woman's Service.
12. A Bookseller's Son in Paul's Church yard, an extream Genteel man, and of the same kidney as the Mercer in Covent Garden.
13. A Commission Officer, full of Courage, brim full of Honour, a well proportion'd Man, and very beautiful and yet wants Money.
14. An Apothecary near Bread Street Hill, a very genteel Man, a Widdower.
15. A Young Gentleman now learning to Dance, wants a Wife to guide him, his Estate £150 per Ann.
16. A Haberdasher's Son in Cheapside, makes a great Figure in the World, his Education good, only wants a Wife, or Place.
17. A diminutive Bookseller, very difficult in his Choice, £5000 proves a Temptation to him.
18. A Mercer upon Ludgate Hill, Kin to a good Estate, his Trade indifferent:
19. A young Merchant, whose Estate lyes on the Carriby Islands, if his Cargo misses the French Fleet, he makes a good Joynture.
20. An Ancient Gentleman now purchasing an Estate, wants a rich Wife to stand by him.
21. A Goldsmith near the Royal Exchange, a Widdower, of a very considerable Estate, besides a great Trade, will make a good Joynture, and perhaps keep a Coach, he's a very brisk Man.

⁸⁹ Although this "squib" is not dated, this allusion makes it probable it was written in Charles II.'s time.

[pg 159]

[61.]   A Gentleman who had constantly beene a good fellow, meeting with some of his friends at a mornings draught, told his Companions that, God forgive him, he went to bed like a beast last night. Why? quoth they, were you so drunk? No, quoth he, I was so sober.

FINIS.

London. Printed for John Wright junior,⁹⁴ dwelling at the upper end of the Old Baily.

⁹⁰ For tune, see Appendix.

⁹¹ Rennet.

⁹² Scent.

⁹³ ? Laurence Price.

⁹⁴ He published from 1641 to 1683.

Astrology (in the middle of the seventeenth century) was beginning to fall into disrepute, and Butler, in Hudibras, as well as Ben Jonson in The Alchemist, satirised unmercifully both the science and its professors. The accompanying engraving "The Astrologer's Bugg Beare" refers to an eclipse of the sun, an event, which even at that time was considered of dire portent. Take the title of one tract as a sample. ⁹⁵"The Shepherds Prognostication, Foretelling the sad and strange Eclipse of the Sun, which will happen on the 29 of March [pg 165] this present year 1652. which Eclipse will begin about eight of the Clock in the fore noon, and so continue till past the hour of eleven, which will be the dismallest day that ever was known since the year 33, when our Savior Christ suffered on the Crosse for the sins of Mankind, at which time the Seas did roare, the earth did quake, the graves did open, the temple rent from the top to the bottom, Luke 23. 45. And there was a darknesse over all the Land. This Prediction also foretells of many strange Presages and Passages which will follow after that horrible Eclipse of the Sun, and what will insue. With a perfect way whereby to avoid the insuing danger. By L. P." (? Laurence Price.) And the contents of the tract fully bears out its title.

But "L. P.," whoever he was, entered thoroughly into the joke of the thing, and, when it was all over, wrote a book, teeming with quiet satire, which was published on 9th April 1652, called—

[64.]   In his little tract he chaffs the people most unmercifully, yet very quietly, at times so much so that one might almost think it written in earnest. For instance: "A Usurer that was to receive money of a country man that was his debter on that day, durst not to venter fourth of his house; by which meanes the man rid forth out of London and paid not in his moneyes, for which cause the Usurer was about to cut his own throat, and had don it, if he had not bin prevented by some of his Neighboures.

Some other Christians were so fearefull of what would befall, that they sent their maids two dayes before Black monday for to fetch in faire water in a redynesse to wash, fearing that the ayre would infect the water.

Some tooke Medicines, Pils, and Antidotes, which was administred unto them by a supposed out landish doctor, which he had set bils for in severall places, caling his Medicines, an Antidote against the tirrible Eclipes of the Sun, so he got money, and they went away as wise as woodcockes."

[pg 166]

Ben Jonson, in "The Alchemist" gives a very vivid and amusing picture of an astrologer and his gull. Act 1, Scene 3. Subtle (the astrologer), Face (his agent), Drugger (a tobacconist).

[65.]Subtle.   What is your name, say you, Abel Drugger?

Drugger.  Yes Sir,

Sub.   A Seller of Tobacco?

Dru.  Yes, Sir

Sub.  'Umh,

Free of the Grocers?⁹⁶

Dru.  I, and't please you.

Sub.  Well,

Your business Abel?

Dru.  This, and't please your Worship,
I am a yong beginner, and am building
Of a new shop, and't like your worship, just
At Corner of a Street: (Here's the plot on't.)
And I would know, by art, Sir, of your Worship,
Which way I should make my dore, by Necromancie.
And where my Shelves. And which should be for Boxes,
And which for Potts. I would be glad to thrive, Sir,
And, I was wish'd to your Worship by a Gentleman,
One Captaine Face, that say's you know mens Planets,
And their good Angels, and their bad.

Sub.  I doe

If I do see 'hem.⁹⁷

Face.   What! my honest Abel?

Thou art well met here.

Dru.   Troth, Sir, I was speaking
Just as your Worship came here, of your Worship.
I pray you, speake for me to M^r Doctor.

Face. He shall doe anything.    Doctor, doe you heare?
This is my friend, Abel, an honest fellow.

......

Sub.   H'is a fortunate fellow, that I am sure on.

[pg 167]

Face.   Already, Sir, ha' you found it?    Lo' the Abel!

Sub.   And in right way to'ward riches.

Face.  Sir!

Sub.  This Summer
He will be of the Clothing⁹⁸ of his Company.
And, next spring, call'd to the Scarlet.⁹⁹ Spend what he can.

Face.   What, and so little Beard?

Sub.  Sir, you must thinke,
He may have a receipt to make hayre come.
But he'll be wise, preserve his youth, and fine¹⁰⁰ for't.
His fortune lookes for him, another way.

Face.   'Slid, Doctor, how canst thou know this so soone?
I am amus'd at that!

Sub.   By a rule, Captayne
In Metaposcopie which I doe worke by,
A certaine Starre i' the forehead, which you see not.
Your Chest-nut, or your Olive colourd face
Do's never fayle; and your long Eare doth promise.
I knew't, by certaine spotts too, in his teeth,
And on the nayle of his Mercurial finger.

Face.   Which finger's that?

Sub.  His little finger, Looke.
Yo' were borne upon a Wensday.

Drug.  Yes, indeed, Sir.

Sub.   The Thumbe, in Chiromantie, we give Venus;
The Fore-finger to Iove; the Midst, to Saturne;
The Ring to Sol, the Least to Mercurie,
Who was the Lord, Sir, of his Horoscope,
His House of Life being Libra. Which foreshew'd
He should be a Marchant, and should trade with Ballance.

Face.   Why, this is strange!    Is't not, honest Nab?

Sub.   There is a Ship now, comming from Ormu's,
That shall yeeld him such a Commoditie
Of Drugs. This is the West, and this the South?

Drug. Yes Sir.

[pg 168]

Sub.  And those are your two sides!

Drug.  I, Sir.

Sub.   Make me your Dore, then, South; your broad side, West;
And, on the East-side of your shop, aloft,
Write Mathlaj, Tarmiel, and Baraborat;
Upon the North-part Rael, Velel, Thiel,
These are the names of those Mercurian Spirits,
That doe fright flyes from boxes.

Drug.  Yes Sir,

Sub.  And
Beneath your threshold, bury me a Loade stone
To draw in Gallants that weare spurres; The rest
Theyll seeme to follow.

In this play, too, Alchemy is scarified, as is also the Puritanism of the age.

⁹⁵ Brit. Mus. Cat. (E. 1351.)/1

⁹⁶ Company.

⁹⁷ A play upon the word. Subtle meaning the gold coin called an Angel, value 10s.

⁹⁸ i.e. be made a liveryman.

⁹⁹ Made sheriff.

¹⁰⁰ Pay the penalty instead of serving.

[52.]   A poore man travelling from door to door a begging, being lately come from Paris, a City in France, being invited by hunger to a good simple Country Swain's doore, to aske his almes; his wife asked him what he was, and from whence he came? Quoth the fellow, from Paris. From Paradise (quoth she) then thou knowest my old John there (meaning her former husband) I, quoth the fellow, that I doe. I pray thee (quoth she) how doth he doe? Faith (quoth the fellow) poore, he hath meat and drinke enough, but wants cloathes and mony. Alas, quoth she, I am sory for it, I pray thee stay a little; and, running up into her Chamber, fetcht downe her husbands new sute of cloathes, and five shillings in mony, and gave it to the fellow, saying, I pray thee remember me to my poore John, and give him this sute of clothes, and five [pg 169] shillings from me, and wrapt them up in a Fardle,¹⁰¹ which the fellow took, and away he went. Presently her husband came home, and found her very pleasant and merry, singing up and downe the house, which she seldome used to doe, and he asked her the cause, Oh, husband, quoth she, I have heard from my old John to-day, he is in Paradise, and is very well, but wants clothes and mony, but I have sent him thy best sute, and five shillings in mony. Her husband seeing she was cozened, enquired of her which way the fellow went that had them. Yonder way, quoth she: he presently took his best horse, Hob, and rode after him for the clothes. The fellow seeing one ride so fast after him, threw the clothes into a ditch, and went softly forward; her husband overtaking the fellow, said, Didst not see one go this way with a little fardle of clothes at his back? Yes, quoth the fellow, he is newly gone into yonder little Wood. Oh, hold my horse, quoth he, whilst I runne in and finde him out. I will, quoth the fellow, who presently, as soon as he was gone into the wood, took up his fardell, leapt on horseback, and away he went: The Man returning for his horse, his horse was gone; then going home to his wife, she asked him if he overtook the fellow. I, sweet heart, quoth he, and I have lent him my best horse to ride on, for it is a great long way to Paradise. Truly, husband, quoth she, and I shall love thee the better so long as I live, for making so much of my old John. Which caused much good laughter to all that heard it.

¹⁰¹ A bundle.

[32.]   What is that goeth about the wood and cannot get in?

Solution. It is the bark of a tree, for never is the bark within the tree, but alwayes without.

[pg 170]

To a pleasant Country Tune, called Colly my Cow.

FINIS.

Printed for C. Passinger, at the seven stars in the New Buildings on London-bridge—

[17.]   A Miser having a sheep stolen from him, by a poor man, would needs send him to Prison, saying there was not so damn'd a Rogue in the World; Pray, Sir, said he, remember yourself, and be good to me—

[pg 173]

[4.]   A Nobleman having a mind to be merry, sent for his Chaplain, and told him, That, unless he could resolve him these three Questions, he should be discarded, and turn'd out of his Service; but if he cou'd, he shou'd have Thirty Guinneys, and the best Horse in his Stable; So he propos'd the Questions to him, which were these; First, what compass the World was about? Secondly, How deep the Sea was? And Thirdly, What he thought? The Poor Chaplain was in a peck of Troubles, and did not know how to answer them, or what to say, thinking them very unreasonable Questions; so that all he could do was to desire a little time to consider upon them, which the Earl granted. So he going along the Fields one day very melancholy, a Cobler of the Town, a Merry Fellow (who was very like the Chaplain, both in Physiognomy and Stature) met him, and ask'd him the reason of his sadness; which with some Reluctancy he told him: O Sir, says the Cobler, don't be dejected, chear up; I've thought of a device to save your Place, and get you the Money and Horse too; but you shall give me Ten Guinneys for my pains. So he agreed to't; and it was thus: Says he, I'll put on your Cloaths, and go to My Lord, and answer his Questions. Accordingly he went, and when he came before him, he answer'd him thus: To the first Question, What Compass the World was about? He answered, It was four and twenty hours Journey; and if a man could keep pace with the Sun, he could easily go it in that time. To the Second, How deep the Sea was? He answer'd Only a stone's throw; for cast it into the deepest place of it, and in time it will come to the bottom. To the third (which I fancy your Lordship thinks the most difficult to be resolv'd, but is indeed the easiest) which is; What your Lordship thinks? I answer, That you think I am your Chaplain, when as indeed I am but [pg 174] the Cobler of Gloucester. The Nobleman was so pleas'd with his witty Answers, that he perform'd his Promise to his Chaplain, and gave the Cobler Ten Guinneys for his Ingenuity.

[26.]   A Lady in this Kingdom hearing that a Lady, that was a Person of Quality, did much long for Oysters, she then [pg 175] sent a Foot-man of hers, that was an Irish Man, to the said Lady with a Barrel of Oysters, and as he was going, he met an Arch Wag by the way, who askt him whither he was going? Then he told him: "O. Donniel, says he, you must gut them before you go, or else they will Poyson the Lady; I Predde,¹⁰² says he, show me how to do it. So the Fellow took them and opened them, and took out all the Oysters and put them into a Wooden Dish that was by, and then put all the Shells again into the Barrell: Now, says he, you may carry them, for they are all gutted: E. Fait,¹⁰³ said Donniel, for this kindness, I'll give thee a pint of Wine out of the Vails that I shall have of my Lady: but I know not how they were accepted.

¹⁰² Ay, prithee.

¹⁰³ I'faith.

[32.]   What is that no man would have, and yet when he hath it, will not forgoe it?

Solution. It is a broken head, or such like, for no man would gladly have a broken head, and yet when he hath it, he would be loth to loose his head, though it be broken.

On a certaine present sent from an Archbishop to his friend.

Englished thus.

[pg 176]