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Title: The Monikins

Author: J. Fenimore Cooper

Release Date: November 24, 2001 [eBook #4092]
[Most recently updated: November 17, 2022]

Language: English

Character set encoding: UTF-8

Produced by: Charles Franks, David Widger and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MONIKINS ***




The Monikins

By J. Fenimore Cooper




CONTENTS

 INTRODUCTION.
 THE MONIKINS.
 CHAPTER I. THE AUTHOR’S PEDIGREE,—ALSO THAT OF HIS FATHER
 CHAPTER II. TOUCHING MYSELF AND TEN THOUSAND POUNDS
 CHAPTER III. OPINIONS OF OUR AUTHOR’S ANCESTOR, TOGETHER WITH SOME OF HIS OWN, AND SOME OF OTHER PEOPLE’S
 CHAPTER IV. SHOWING THE UPS AND DOWNS, THE HOPES AND FEARS, AND THE VAGARIES OF LOVE, SOME VIEWS OF DEATH, AND AN ACCOUNT OF AN INHERITANCE
 CHAPTER V. ABOUT THE SOCIAL-STAKE SYSTEM, THE DANGERS OF CONCENTRATION, AND OTHER MORAL AND IMMORAL CURIOSITIES
 CHAPTER VI. A THEORY OF PALPABLE SUBLIMITY—SOME PRACTICAL IDEAS, AND THE COMMENCEMENT OF ADVENTURES
 CHAPTER VII. TOUCHING AN AMPHIBIOUS ANIMAL, A SPECIAL INTRODUCTION, AND ITS CONSEQUENCES
 CHAPTER VIII. AN INTRODUCTION TO FOUR NEW CHARACTERS, SOME TOUCHES OF PHILOSOPHY, AND A FEW CAPITAL THOUGHTS ON POLITICAL ECONOMY
 CHAPTER IX. THE COMMENCEMENT OF WONDERS, WHICH ARE THE MORE EXTRAORDINARY ON ACCOUNT OF THEIR TRUTH
 CHAPTER X. A GREAT DEAL OF NEGOTIATION, IN WHICH HUMAN SHREWDNESS IS COMPLETELY SHAMED, AND HUMAN INGENUITY IS SHOWN TO BE OF A VERY SECONDARY QUALITY
 CHAPTER XI. A PHILOSOPHY THAT IS BOTTOMED ON SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL—SOME REASONS PLAINLY PRESENTED, AND CAVILLING OBJECTIONS PUT TO FLIGHT BY A CHARGE OF LOGICAL BAYONETS.
 CHAPTER XII. BETTER AND BETTER—A HIGHER FLIGHT OF REASON—MORE OBVIOUS TRUTHS, DEEPER PHILOSOPHY, AND FACTS THAT EVEN AN OSTRICH MIGHT DIGEST
 CHAPTER XIII. A CHAPTER OF PREPARATIONS—DISCRIMINATION IN CHARACTER—A TIGHT FIT, AND OTHER CONVENIENCES, WITH SOME JUDGMENT
 CHAPTER XIV. HOW TO STEER SMALL—HOW TO RUN THE GAUNTLET WITH A SHIP—HOW TO GO CLEAR—A NEW-FASHIONED SCREW—DOCK, AND CERTAIN MILE-STONES
 CHAPTER XV. AN ARRIVAL—FORMS OF RECEPTION—SEVERAL NEW CHRISTENINGS—AN OFFICIAL DOCUMENT, AND TERRA FIRMA
 CHAPTER XVI. AN INN—DEBTS PAID IN ADVANCE, AND A SINGULAR TOUCH OF HUMAN NATURE FOUND CLOSELY INCORPORATED WITH MONIKIN NATURE
 CHAPTER XVII. NEW LORDS, NEW LAWS—GYRATION, ROTATION, AND ANOTHER NATION; ALSO AN INVITATION
 CHAPTER XVIII. A COURT, A COURT-DRESS, AND A COURTIER—JUSTICE IN VARIOUS ASPECTS, AS WELL AS HONOR
 CHAPTER XIX. ABOUT THE HUMILITY OF PROFESSIONAL SAINTS, A SUCCESSION OF TAILS, A BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM, AND OTHER HEAVENLY MATTERS, DIPLOMACY INCLUDED
 CHAPTER XX. A VERY COMMON CASE: OR A GREAT DEAL OF LAW, AND VERY LITTLE JUSTICE—HEADS AND TAILS, WITH THE DANGERS OF EACH
 CHAPTER XXI. BETTER AND BETTER—MORE LAW AND MORE JUSTICE—TAILS AND HEADS: THE IMPORTANCE OF KEEPING EACH IN ITS PROPER PLACE
 CHAPTER XXII. A NEOPHYTE IN DIPLOMACY—DIPLOMATIC INTRODUCTION—A CALCULATION—A SHIPMENT OF OPINIONS—HOW TO CHOOSE AN INVOICE, WITH AN ASSORTMENT
 CHAPTER XXIII. POLITICAL BOUNDARIES—POLITICAL RIGHTS—POLITICAL SELECTIONS, AND POLITICAL DISQUISITIONS; WITH POLITICAL RESULTS
 CHAPTER XXIV. AN ARRIVAL—AN ELECTION—ARCHITECTURE—A ROLLING-PIN, AND PATRIOTISM OF THE MOST APPROVED WATER
 CHAPTER XXV. A FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE, A FUNDAMENTAL LAW, AND A FUNDAMENTAL ERROR
 CHAPTER XXVI. HOW TO ENACT LAWS—ORATORY, LOGIC, AND ELOQUENCE; ALL CONSIDERED IN THEIR EVERY-DAY ASPECTS
 CHAPTER XXVII. AN EFFECT OF LOGARITHMS ON MORALS—AN OBSCURATION, A DISSERTATION, AND A CALCULATION
 CHAPTER XXVIII. THE IMPORTANCE OF MOTIVES TO A LEGISLATOR—MORAL CONSECUTIVENESS, COMETS, KITES, AND A CONVOY; WITH SOME EVERY-DAY LEGISLATION; TOGETHER WITH CAUSE AND EFFECT.
 CHAPTER XXIX. SOME EXPLANATIONS—A HUMAN APPETITE—A DINNER AND A BONNE BOUCHE
 CHAPTER XXX. EXPLANATIONS—A LEAVE-TAKING—LOVE—CONFESSIONS, BUT NO PENITENCE




INTRODUCTION.


It is not improbable that some of those who read this book, may feel a
wish to know in what manner I became possessed of the manuscript. Such
a desire is too just and natural to be thwarted, and the tale shall be
told as briefly as possible.

During the summer of 1828, while travelling among those valleys of
Switzerland which lie between the two great ranges of the Alps, and in
which both the Rhone and the Rhine take their rise, I had passed from
the sources of the latter to those of the former river, and had reached
that basin in the mountains that is so celebrated for containing the
glacier of the Rhone, when chance gave me one of those rare moments of
sublimity and solitude, which are the more precious in the other
hemisphere from their infrequency. On every side the view was bounded
by high and ragged mountains, their peaks glittering near the sun,
while directly before me, and on a level with the eye, lay that
miraculous frozen sea, out of whose drippings the Rhone starts a
foaming river, to glance away to the distant Mediterranean. For the
first time, during a pilgrimage of years, I felt alone with nature in
Europe. Alas! the enjoyment, as all such enjoyments necessarily are
amid the throngs of the old world, was short and treacherous. A party
came round the angle of a rock, along the narrow bridle-path, in single
file; two ladies on horseback, followed by as many gentlemen on foot,
and preceded by the usual guide. It was but small courtesy to rise and
salute the dove-like eyes and blooming cheeks of the former, as they
passed. They were English, and the gentlemen appeared to recognize me
as a countryman. One of the latter stopped, and politely inquired if
the passage of the Furca was obstructed by snow. He was told not, and
in return for the information said that I would find the Grimsel a
little ticklish; “but,” he added, smiling, “the ladies succeeded in
crossing, and you will scarcely hesitate.” I thought I might get over a
difficulty that his fair companions had conquered. He then told me Sir
Herbert Taylor was made adjutant-general, and wished me good morning.

I sat reflecting on the character, hopes, pursuits, and interests of
man, for an hour, concluding that the stranger was a soldier, who let
some of the ordinary workings of his thoughts overflow in this brief
and casual interview. To resume my solitary journey, cross the Rhone,
and toil my way up the rugged side of the Grimsel, consumed two more
hours, and glad was I to come in view of the little chill-looking sheet
of water on its summit, which is called the Lake of the Dead. The path
was filled with snow, at a most critical point, where, indeed, a
misplaced footstep might betray the incautious to their destruction. A
large party on the other side appeared fully aware of the difficulty,
for it had halted, and was in earnest discussion with the guide,
touching the practicability of passing. It was decided to attempt the
enterprise. First came a female of one of the sweetest, serenest
countenances I had ever seen. She, too, was English; and though she
trembled, and blushed, and laughed at herself, she came on with spirit,
and would have reached my side in safety, had not an unlucky stone
turned beneath a foot that was much too pretty for those wild hills. I
sprang forward, and was so happy as to save her from destruction. She
felt the extent of the obligation, and expressed her thanks modestly
but with fervor. In a minute we were joined by her husband, who grasped
my hand with warm feeling, or rather with the emotion one ought to feel
who had witnessed the risk he had just run of losing an angel. The lady
seemed satisfied at leaving us together.

“You are an Englishman?” said the stranger.

“An American.”

“An American! This is singular—will you pardon a question?—You have
more than saved my life—you have probably saved my reason—will you
pardon a question?—Can money serve you?”

I smiled, and told him, odd as it might appear to him, that though an
American, I was a gentleman. He appeared embarrassed, and his fine face
worked, until I began to pity him, for it was evident he wished to show
me in some way, how much he felt he was my debtor, and yet he did not
know exactly what to propose.

“We may meet again,” I said, squeezing his hand.

“Will you receive my card?”

“Most willingly.”

He put “Viscount Householder” into my hand, and in return I gave him my
own humble appellation.

He looked from the card to me, and from me to the card, and some
agreeable idea appeared to flash upon his mind.

“Shall you visit Geneva this summer?” he asked, earnestly.

“Within a month.”

“Your address—”

“Hotel de l’Ecu.”

“You shall hear from me. Adieu.”

We parted, he, his lovely wife, and his guides descending to the Rhone,
while I pursued my way to the Hospice of the Grimsel. Within the month
I received a large packet at l’Ecu. It contained a valuable diamond
ring, with a request that I would wear it, as a memorial of Lady
Householder, and a fairly written manuscript. The following short note
explained the wishes of the writer:

“Providence brought us together for more purposes than were at first
apparent. I have long hesitated about publishing the accompanying
narrative, for in England there is a disposition to cavil at
extraordinary facts, but the distance of America from my place of
residence will completely save me from ridicule. The world must have
the truth, and I see no better means than by resorting to your agency.
All I ask is, that you will have the book fairly printed, and that you
will send one copy to my address, Householder Hall, Dorsetshire, Eng.,
and another to Captain Noah Poke, Stonington, Conn., in your own
country. My Anna prays for you, and is ever your friend. Do not forget
us.

“Yours, most faithfully,”

“HOUSEHOLDER.”

I have rigidly complied with this request, and having sent the two
copies according to direction, the rest of the edition is at the
disposal of any one who may feel an inclination to pay for it. In
return for the copy sent to Stonington, I received the following
letter:

“ON BOARD THE DERBY AND DOLLY, “STONNIN’TUN, April 1st, 1835.

“AUTHOR OF THE SPY, ESQUIRE:

“Dear Sir:—Your favor is come to hand, and found me in good health, as
I hope these few lines will have the same advantage with you. I have
read the book, and must say there is some truth in it, which, I
suppose, is as much as befalls any book, the Bible, the Almanac, and
the State Laws excepted. I remember Sir John well, and shall gainsay
nothing he testifies to, for the reason that friends should not
contradict each other. I was also acquainted with the four Monikins he
speaks of, though I knew them by different names. Miss Poke says she
wonders if it’s all true, which I wunt tell her, seeing that a little
unsartainty makes a woman rational. As to my navigating without
geometry, thats a matter that wasn’t worth booking, for it’s no
curiosity in these parts, bating a look at the compass once or twice a
day, and so I take my leave of you, with offers to do any commission
for you among the Sealing Islands, for which I sail to-morrow, wind and
weather permitting.

“Yours to sarve, NOAH POKE.”

“To the Author of THE SPY, Esquire, ——— town, ——— county, York state.

“P. S.—I always told Sir John to steer clear of too much journalizing,
but he did nothing but write, night and day, for a week; and as you
brew, so you must bake. The wind has chopped, and we shall take our
anchor this tide; so no more at present.

“N. B.—Sir John is a little out about my eating the monkey, which I
did, four years before I fell in with him, down on the Spanish Main. It
was not bad food to the taste, but was wonderful narvous to the eye. I
r’ally thought I had got hold of Miss Poke’s youngest born.”




THE MONIKINS.




CHAPTER I.
THE AUTHOR’S PEDIGREE,—ALSO THAT OF HIS FATHER.


The philosopher who broaches a new theory is bound to furnish, at
least, some elementary proofs of the reasonableness of his positions,
and the historian who ventures to record marvels that have hitherto
been hid from human knowledge, owes it to a decent regard to the
opinions of others, to produce some credible testimony in favor of his
veracity. I am peculiarly placed in regard to these two great
essentials having little more than its plausibility to offer in favor
of my philosophy, and no other witness than myself to establish the
important facts that are now about to be laid before the reading world
for the first time. In this dilemma, I fully feel the weight of
responsibility under which I stand; for there are truths of so little
apparent probability as to appear fictitious, and fictions so like the
truth that the ordinary observer is very apt to affirm that he was an
eye-witness to their existence: two facts that all our historians would
do well to bear in mind, since a knowledge of the circumstances might
spare them the mortification of having testimony that cost a deal of
trouble, discredited in the one case, and save a vast deal of painful
and unnecessary labor, in the other. Thrown upon myself, therefore, for
what the French call les pieces justificatives of my theories, as well
as of my facts, I see no better way to prepare the reader to believe
me, than by giving an unvarnished the result of the orange-woman’s
application; for had my worthy ancestor been subjected to the happy
accidents and generous caprices of voluntary charity, it is more than
probable I should be driven to throw a veil over those important years
of his life that were notoriously passed in the work-house, but which,
in consequence of that occurrence, are now easily authenticated by
valid minutes and documentary evidence. Thus it is that there exists no
void in the annals of our family, even that period which is usually
remembered through gossiping and idle tales in the lives of most men,
being matter of legal record in that of my progenitor, and so continued
to be down to the day of his presumed majority, since he was indebted
to a careful master the moment the parish could with any legality,
putting decency quite out of the question, get rid of him. I ought to
have said, that the orange-woman, taking a hint from the sign of a
butcher opposite to whose door my ancestor was found, had very cleverly
given him the name of Thomas Goldencalf.

This second important transition in the affairs of my father, might be
deemed a presage of his future fortunes. He was bound apprentice to a
trader in fancy articles, or a shopkeeper who dealt in such objects as
are usually purchased by those who do not well know what to do with
their money. This trade was of immense advantage to the future
prosperity of the young adventurer; for, in addition to the known fact
that they who amuse are much better paid than they who instruct their
fellow-creatures, his situation enabled him to study those caprices of
men, which, properly improved, are of themselves a mine of wealth, as
well as to gain a knowledge of the important truth that the greatest
events of this life are much oftener the result of impulse than of
calculation.

I have it by a direct tradition, orally conveyed from the lips of my
ancestor, that no one could be more lucky than himself in the character
of his master. This personage, who came, in time, to be my maternal
grandfather, was one of those wary traders who encourage others in
their follies, with a view to his own advantage, and the experience of
fifty years had rendered him so expert in the practices of his calling,
that it was seldom he struck out a new vein in his mine, without
finding himself rewarded for the enterprise, by a success that was
fully equal to his expectations.

“Tom,” he said one day to his apprentice, when time had produced
confidence and awakened sympathies between them, “thou art a lucky
youth, or the parish officer would never have brought thee to my door.
Thou little knowest the wealth that is in store for thee, or the
treasures that are at thy command, if thou provest diligent, and in
particular faithful to my interests.” My provident grandfather never
missed an occasion to throw in a useful moral, notwithstanding the
general character of veracity that distinguished his commerce. “Now,
what dost think, lad, may be the amount of my capital?”

My ancestor in the male line hesitated to reply, for, hitherto, his
ideas had been confined to the profits; never having dared to lift his
thoughts as high as that source from which he could not but see they
flowed in a very ample stream; but thrown upon himself by so unexpected
a question, and being quick at figures, after adding ten per cent. to
the sum which he knew the last year had given as the net avail of their
joint ingenuity, he named the amount, in answered to the interrogatory.

My maternal grandfather laughed in the face of my direct lineal
ancestor.

“Thou judgest, Tom,” he said, when his mirth was a little abated, “by
what thou thinkest is the cost of the actual stock before thine eyes,
when thou shouldst take into the account that which I term our floating
capital.”

Tom pondered a moment, for while he knew that his master had money in
the funds, he did not account that as any portion of the available
means connected with his ordinary business; and as for a floating
capital, he did not well see how it could be of much account, since the
disproportion between the cost and the selling prices of the different
articles in which they dealt was so great, that there was no particular
use in such an investment. As his master, however, rarely paid for
anything until he was in possession of returns from it that exceeded
the debt some seven-fold, he began to think the old man was alluding to
the advantages he obtained in the way of credit, and after a little
more cogitation, he ventured to say as much.

Again my maternal grandfather indulged in a hearty fit of laughter.

“Thou art clever in thy way, Tom,” he said, “and I like the minuteness
of thy calculations, for they show an aptitude for trade; but there is
genius in our calling as well as cleverness. Come hither, boy,” he
added, drawing Tom to a window whence they could see the neighbors on
their way to church, for it was on a Sunday that my two provident
progenitors indulged in this moral view of humanity, as best fitted the
day, “come hither, boy, and thou shalt see some small portion of that
capital which thou seemest to think hid, stalking abroad by daylight,
and in the open streets. Here, thou seest the wife of our neighbor, the
pastry-cook; with what an air she tosses her head and displays the
bauble thou sold’st her yesterday: well, even that slattern, idle and
vain, and little worthy of trust as she is, carries about with her a
portion of my capital!”

My worthy ancestor stared, for he never knew the other to be guilty of
so great an indiscretion as to trust a woman whom they both knew bought
more than her husband was willing to pay for.

“She gave me a guinea, master, for that which did not cost a
seven-shilling piece!”

“She did, indeed, Tom, and it was her vanity that urged her to it. I
trade upon her folly, younker, and upon that of all mankind; now dost
thou see with what a capital I carry on affairs? There—there is the
maid, carrying the idle hussy’s patterns in the rear; I drew upon my
stock in that wench’s possession, no later than the last week, for
half-a-crown!”

Tom reflected a long time on these allusions of his provident master,
and although he understood them about as well as they will be
understood by the owners of half the soft humid eyes and sprouting
whiskers among my readers, by dint of cogitation he came at last to a
practical understanding of the subject, which before he was thirty he
had, to use a French term, pretty well exploite.

I learn by unquestionable tradition, received also from the mouths of
his contemporaries, that the opinions of my ancestor underwent some
material changes between the ages of ten and forty, a circumstance that
has often led me to reflect that people might do well not to be too
confident of the principles, during the pliable period of life, when
the mind, like the tender shoot, is easily bent aside and subjected to
the action of surrounding causes.

During the earlier years of the plastic age, my ancestor was observed
to betray strong feelings of compassion at the sight of
charity-children, nor was he ever known to pass a child, especially a
boy that was still in petticoats, who was crying with hunger in the
streets, without sharing his own crust with him. Indeed, his practice
on this head was said to be steady and uniform, whenever the rencontre
took place after my worthy father had had his own sympathies quickened
by a good dinner; a fact that maybe imputed to a keener sense of the
pleasure he was about to confer.

After sixteen, he was known to converse occasionally on the subject of
politics, a topic on which he came to be both expert and eloquent
before twenty. His usual theme was justice and the sacred rights of
man, concerning which he sometimes uttered very pretty sentiments, and
such as were altogether becoming in one who was at the bottom of the
great social pot that was then, as now, actively boiling, and where he
was made to feel most, the heat that kept it in ebullition. I am
assured that on the subject of taxation, and on that of the wrongs of
America and Ireland, there were few youths in the parish who could
discourse with more zeal and unction. About this time, too, he was
heard shouting “Wilkes and liberty!” in the public streets.

But, as is the case with all men of rare capacities, there was a
concentration of powers in the mind of my ancestor, which soon brought
all his errant sympathies, the mere exuberance of acute and overflowing
feelings, into a proper and useful subjection, centring all in the one
absorbing and capacious receptacle of self. I do not claim for my
father any peculiar quality in this respect, for I have often observed
that many of those who (like giddy-headed horsemen that raise a great
dust, and scamper as if the highway were too narrow for their eccentric
courses, before they are fairly seated in the saddle, but who afterward
drive as directly at their goals as the arrow parting from the bow),
most indulge their sympathies at the commencement of their careers, are
the most apt toward the close to get a proper command of their
feelings, and to reduce them within the bounds of common sense and
prudence. Before five-and-twenty, my father was as exemplary and as
constant a devotee of Plutus as was then to be found between Ratcliffe
Highway and Bridge Street:—I name these places in particular, as all
the rest of the great capital in which he was born is known to be more
indifferent to the subject of money.

My ancestor was just thirty, when his master, who like himself was a
bachelor, very unexpectedly, and a good deal to the scandal of the
neighborhood, introduced a new inmate into his frugal abode, in the
person of an infant female child. It would seem that some one had been
speculating on his stock of weakness too, for this poor, little,
defenceless, and dependent being was thrown upon his care, like Tom
himself, through the vigilance of the parish officers. There were many
good-natured jokes practised on the prosperous fancy-dealer, by the
more witty of his neighbors, at this sudden turn of good fortune, and
not a few ill-natured sneers were given behind his back; most of the
knowing ones of the vicinity finding a stronger likeness between the
little girl and all the other unmarried men of the eight or ten
adjoining streets, than to the worthy housekeeper who had been selected
to pay for her support. I have been much disposed to admit the opinions
of these amiable observers as authority in my own pedigree, since it
would be reaching the obscurity in which all ancient lines take root, a
generation earlier, than by allowing the presumption that little Betsey
was my direct male ancestor’s master’s daughter; but, on reflection, I
have determined to adhere to the less popular but more simple version
of the affair, because it is connected with the transmission of no
small part of our estate, a circumstance of itself that at once gives
dignity and importance to a genealogy.

Whatever may have been the real opinion of the reputed father touching
his rights to the honors of that respectable title, he soon became as
strongly attached to the child, as if it really owed its existence to
himself. The little girl was carefully nursed, abundantly fed, and
throve accordingly. She had reached her third year, when the
fancy-dealer took the smallpox from his little pet, who was just
recovering from the same disease, and died at the expiration of the
tenth day.

This was an unlooked-for and stunning blow to my ancestor, who was then
in his thirty-fifth year and the head shopman of the establishment,
which had continued to grow with the growing follies and vanities of
the age. On examining his master’s will, it was found that my father,
who had certainly aided materially of late in the acquisition of the
money, was left the good-will of the shop, the command of all the stock
at cost, and the sole executorship of the estate. He was also intrusted
with the exclusive guardianship of little Betsey, to whom his master
had affectionately devised every farthing of his property. An ordinary
reader may be surprised that a man who had so long practised on the
foibles of his species, should have so much confidence in a mere
shopman, as to leave his whole estate so completely in his power; but,
it must be remembered, that human ingenuity has not yet devised any
means by which we can carry our personal effects into the other world;
that “what cannot be cured must be endured”; that he must of necessity
have confided this important trust to some fellow-creature, and that it
was better to commit the keeping of his money to one who, knowing the
secret by which it had been accumulated, had less inducement to be
dishonest, than one who was exposed to the temptation of covetousness,
without having a knowledge of any direct and legal means of gratifying
his longings. It has been conjectured, therefore, that the testator
thought, by giving up his trade to a man who was as keenly alive as my
ancestor to all its perfections, moral and pecuniary, he provided a
sufficient protection against his falling into the sin of peculation,
by so amply supplying him with simpler means of enriching himself.
Besides, it is fair to presume that the long acquaintance had begotten
sufficient confidence to weaken the effect of that saying which some
wit has put into the mouth of a wag, “Make me your executor, father; I
care not to whom you leave the estate.” Let all this be as it might,
nothing can be more certain than that my worthy ancestor executed his
trust with the scrupulous fidelity of a man whose integrity had been
severely schooled in the ethics of trade. Little Betsey was properly
educated for one in her condition of life; her health was as carefully
watched over as if she had been the only daughter of the sovereign
instead of the only daughter of a fancy-dealer; her morals were
superintended by a superannuated old maid; her mind left to its
original purity; her person jealously protected against the designs of
greedy fortune-hunters; and, to complete the catalogue of his paternal
attentions and solicitudes, my vigilant and faithful ancestor, to
prevent accidents, and to counteract the chances of life, so far as it
might be done by human foresight, saw that she was legally married, the
day she reached her nineteenth year, to the person whom, there is every
reason to think, he believed to be the most unexceptionable man of his
acquaintance—in other words, to himself. Settlements were unnecessary
between parties who had so long been known to each other, and, thanks
to the liberality of his late master’s will in more ways than one, a
long minority, and the industry of the ci-devant head shopman, the
nuptial benediction was no sooner pronounced, than our family stepped
into the undisputed possession of four hundred thousand pounds. One
less scrupulous on the subject of religion and the law, might not have
thought it necessary to give the orphan heiress a settlement so
satisfactory, at the termination of her wardship.

I was the fifth of the children who were the fruits of this union, and
the only one of them all that passed the first year of its life. My
poor mother did not survive my birth, and I can only record her
qualities through the medium of that great agent in the archives of the
family, tradition. By all that I have heard, she must have been a meek,
quiet, domestic woman; who, by temperament and attainments, was
admirably qualified to second the prudent plans of my father for her
welfare. If she had causes of complaint, (and that she had, there is
too much reason to think, for who has ever escaped them?) they were
concealed, with female fidelity, in the sacred repository of her own
heart; and if truant imagination sometimes dimly drew an outline of
married happiness different from the fact that stood in dull reality
before her eyes, the picture was merely commented on by a sigh, and
consigned to a cabinet whose key none ever touched but herself, and she
seldom.

Of this subdued and unobtrusive sorrow, for I fear it sometimes reached
that intensity of feeling, my excellent and indefatigable ancestor
appeared to have no suspicion. He pursued his ordinary occupations with
his ordinary single-minded devotion, and the last thing that would have
crossed his brain was the suspicion that he had not punctiliously done
his duty by his ward. Had he acted otherwise, none surely would have
suffered more by his delinquency than her husband, and none would have
a better right to complain. Now, as her husband never dreamt of making
such an accusation, it is not at all surprising that my ancestor
remained in ignorance of his wife’s feelings at the hour of his death.

It has been said that the opinions of the successor of the fancy-dealer
underwent some essential changes between the ages of ten and forty.
After he had reached his twenty-second year, or, in other words, the
moment he began to earn money for himself, as well as for his master,
he ceased to cry “Wilkes and liberty!” He was not heard to breathe a
syllable concerning the obligations of society toward the weak and
unfortunate, for the five years that succeeded his majority; he touched
lightly on Christian duties in general, after he got to be worth fifty
pounds of his own; and as for railing at human follies, it would have
been rank ingratitude in one who so very unequivocally got his bread by
them. About this time, his remarks on the subject of taxation, however,
were singularly caustic, and well applied. He railed at the public
debt, as a public curse, and ominously predicted the dissolution of
society, in consequence of the burdens and incumbrances it was hourly
accumulating on the already overloaded shoulders of the trader.

The period of his marriage and his succession to the hoardings of his
former master, may be dated as the second epocha in the opinions of my
ancestor. From this moment his ambition expanded, his views enlarged in
proportion to his means, and his contemplations on the subject of his
great floating capital became more profound and philosophical. A man of
my ancestor’s native sagacity, whose whole soul was absorbed in the
pursuit of gain, who had so long been forming his mind, by dealing as
it were with the elements of human weaknesses, and who already
possessed four hundred thousand pounds, was very likely to strike out
for himself some higher road to eminence, than that in which he had
been laboriously journeying, during the years of painful probation. The
property of my mother had been chiefly invested in good bonds and
mortgages; her protector, patron, benefactor, and legalized father,
having an unconquerable repugnance to confiding in that soulless,
conventional, nondescript body corporate, the public. The first
indication that was given by my ancestor of a change of purpose in the
direction of his energies, was by calling in the whole of his
outstanding debts, and adopting the Napoleon plan of operations, by
concentrating his forces on a particular point, in order that he might
operate in masses. About this time, too, he suddenly ceased railing at
taxation. This change may be likened to that which occurs in the
language of the ministerial journals, when they cease abusing any
foreign state with whom the nation has been carrying on a war, that it
is, at length, believed politic to terminate; and for much the same
reason, as it was the intention of my thrifty ancestor to make an ally
of a power that he had hitherto always treated as an enemy. The whole
of the four hundred thousand pounds were liberally intrusted to the
country, the former fancy-dealer’s apprentice entering the arena of
virtuous and patriotic speculation, as a bull; and, if with more
caution, with at least some portion of the energy and obstinacy of the
desperate animal that gives title to this class of adventurers. Success
crowned his laudable efforts; gold rolled in upon him like water on a
flood, buoying him up, soul and body, to that enviable height, where,
as it would seem, just views can alone be taken of society in its
innumerable phases. All his former views of life, which, in common with
others of a similar origin and similar political sentiments, he had
imbibed in early years, and which might with propriety be called near
views, were now completely obscured by the sublimer and broader
prospect that was spread before him.

I am afraid the truth will compel me to admit, that my ancestor was
never charitable in the vulgar acceptation of the term; but then, he
always maintained that his interest in his fellow-creatures was of a
more elevated cast, taking a comprehensive glance at all the bearings
of good and evil—being of the sort of love which induces the parent to
correct the child, that the lesson of present suffering may produce the
blessings of future respectability and usefulness. Acting on these
principles, he gradually grew more estranged from his species in
appearance, a sacrifice that was probably exacted by the severity of
his practical reproofs for their growing wickedness, and the austere
policy that was necessary to enforce them. By this time, my ancestor
was also thoroughly impressed with what is called the value of money; a
sentiment which, I believe, gives its possessor a livelier perception
than common of the dangers of the precious metals, as well as of their
privileges and uses. He expatiated occasionally on the guaranties that
it was necessary to give to society, for its own security; never even
voted for a parish officer unless he were a warm substantial citizen;
and began to be a subscriber to the patriotic fund, and to the other
similar little moral and pecuniary buttresses of the government, whose
common and commendable object was, to protect our country, our altars,
and our firesides.

The death-bed of my mother has been described to me as a touching and
melancholy scene. It appears that as this meek and retired woman was
extricated from the coil of mortality, her intellect grew brighter, her
powers of discernment stronger, and her character in every respect more
elevated and commanding. Although she had said much less about our
firesides and altars than her husband, I see no reason to doubt that
she had ever been quite as faithful as he could be to the one, and as
much devoted to the other. I shall describe the important event of her
passage from this to a better world, as I have often had it repeated
from the lips of one who was present, and who has had an important
agency in since making me the man I am. This person was the clergyman
of the parish, a pious divine, a learned man, and a gentleman in
feeling as well as by extraction.

My mother, though long conscious that she was drawing near to her last
great account, had steadily refused to draw her husband from his
absorbing pursuits, by permitting him to be made acquainted with her
situation. He knew that she was ill; very ill, as he had reason to
think; but, as he not only allowed her, but even volunteered to order
her all the advice and relief that money could command (my ancestor was
not a miser in the vulgar meaning of the word), he thought that he had
done all that man could do, in a case of life and death—interests over
which he professed to have no control. He saw Dr. Etherington, the
rector, come and go daily, for a month, without uneasiness or
apprehension, for he thought his discourse had a tendency to
tranquillize my mother, and he had a strong affection for all that left
him undisturbed, to the enjoyment of the occupation in which his whole
energies were now completely centred. The physician got his guinea at
each visit, with scrupulous punctuality; the nurses were well received
and were well satisfied, for no one interfered with their acts but the
doctor; and every ordinary duty of commission was as regularly
discharged by my ancestor, as if the sinking and resigned creature from
whom he was about to be forever separated had been the spontaneous
choice of his young and fresh affections.

When, therefore, a servant entered to say that Dr. Etherington desired
a private interview, my worthy ancestor, who had no consciousness of
having neglected any obligation that became a friend of church and
state, was in no small measure surprised.

“I come, Mr. Goldencalf, on a melancholy duty,” said the pious rector,
entering the private cabinet to which his application had for the first
time obtained his admission; “the fatal secret can no longer be
concealed from you, and your wife at length consents that I shall be
the instrument of revealing it.”

The Doctor paused; for on such occasions it is perhaps as well to let
the party that is about to be shocked receive a little of the blow
through his own imagination; and busily enough was that of my poor
father said to be exercised on this painful occasion. He grew pale,
opened his eyes until they again filled the sockets into which they had
gradually been sinking for twenty years, and looked a hundred questions
that his tongue refused to put.

“It cannot be, Doctor,” he at length querulously said, “that a woman
like Betsey has got an inkling into any of the events connected with
the last great secret expedition, and which have escaped my jealousy
and experience?”

“I am afraid, dear sir, that Mrs. Goldencalf has obtained glimpses of
the last great and secret expedition on which we must all, sooner or
later, embark, that have entirely escaped your vigilance. But of this I
will speak some other time. At present it is my painful duty to inform
you it is the opinion of the physician that your excellent wife cannot
outlive the day, if, indeed, she do the hour.”

My father was struck with this intelligence, and for more than a minute
he remained silent and without motion. Casting his eyes toward the
papers on which he had lately been employed, and which contained some
very important calculations connected with the next settling day, he at
length resumed:

“If this be really so, Doctor, it may be well for me to go to her,
since one in the situation of the poor woman may indeed have something
of importance to communicate.”

“It is with this object that I have now come to tell you the truth,”
quietly answered the divine, who knew that nothing was to be gained by
contending with the besetting weakness of such a man, at such a moment.

My father bent his head in assent, and, first carefully enclosing the
open papers in a secretary, he followed his companion to the bedside of
his dying wife.




CHAPTER II.
TOUCHING MYSELF AND TEN THOUSAND POUNDS.


Although my ancestor was much too wise to refuse to look back upon his
origin in a worldly point of view, he never threw his retrospective
glances so far as to reach the sublime mystery of his moral existence;
and while his thoughts might be said to be ever on the stretch to
attain glimpses into the future, they were by far too earthly to extend
beyond any other settling day than those which were regulated by the
ordinances of the stock exchange. With him, to be born was but the
commencement of a speculation, and to die was to determine the general
balance of profit and loss. A man who had so rarely meditated on the
grave changes of mortality, therefore, was consequently so much the
less prepared to gaze upon the visible solemnities of a death-bed.
Although he had never truly loved my mother, for love was a sentiment
much too pure and elevated for one whose imagination dwelt habitually
on the beauties of the stock-books, he had ever been kind to her, and
of late he was even much disposed, as has already been stated, to
contribute as much to her temporal comforts as comported with his
pursuits and habits. On the other hand, the quiet temperament of my
mother required some more exciting cause than the affections of her
husband, to quicken those germs of deep, placid, womanly love, that
certainly lay dormant in her heart, like seed withering with the
ungenial cold of winter. The last meeting of such a pair was not likely
to be attended with any violent outpourings of grief.

My ancestor, notwithstanding, was deeply struck with the physical
changes in the appearance of his wife.

“Thou art much emaciated, Betsey,” he said, taking her hand kindly,
after a long and solemn pause; “much more so than I had thought, or
could have believed! Dost nurse give thee comforting soups and generous
nourishment?”

My mother smiled the ghastly smile of death; but waved her hand, with
loathing, at his suggestion.

“All this is now too late, Mr. Goldencalf,” she answered, speaking with
a distinctness and an energy for which she had long been reserving her
strength. “Food and raiment are no longer among my wants.”

“Well, well, Betsey, one that is in want of neither food nor raiment,
cannot be said to be in great suffering, after all; and I am glad that
thou art so much at ease. Dr. Etherington tells me thou art far from
being well bodily, however, and I am come expressly to see if I can
order anything that will help to make thee more easy.”

“Mr. Goldencalf, you can. My wants for this life are nearly over; a
short hour or two will remove me beyond the world, its cares, its
vanities, its—” My poor mother probably meant to add, its heartlessness
or its selfishness; but she rebuked herself, and paused: “By the mercy
of our blessed Redeemer, and through the benevolent agency of this
excellent man,” she resumed, glancing her eye upwards at first with
holy reverence, and then at the divine with meek gratitude, “I quit you
without alarm, and were it not for one thing, I might say without
care.”

“And what is there to distress thee, in particular, Betsey?” asked my
father, blowing his nose, and speaking with unusual tenderness; “if it
be in my power to set thy heart at ease on this, or on any other point,
name it, and I will give orders to have it immediately performed. Thou
hast been a good pious woman, and canst have little to reproach thyself
with.”

My mother looked earnestly and wistfully at her husband. Never before
had he betrayed so strong an interest in her happiness, and had it not,
alas! been too late, this glimmering of kindness might have lighted the
matrimonial torch into a brighter flame than had ever yet glowed upon
the past.

“Mr. Goldencalf, we have an only son—”

“We have, Betsey, and it may gladden thee to hear that the physician
thinks the boy more likely to live than either of his poor brothers and
sisters.”

I cannot explain the holy and mysterious principle of maternal nature
that caused my mother to clasp her hands, to raise her eyes to heaven,
and, while a gleam flitted athwart her glassy eyes and wan cheeks, to
murmur her thanks to God for the boon. She was herself hastening away
to the eternal bliss of the pure of mind and the redeemed, and her
imagination, quiet and simple as it was, had drawn pictures in which
she and her departed babes were standing before the throne of the Most
High, chanting his glory, and shining amid the stars—and yet was she
now rejoicing that the last and the most cherished of all her
offsprings was likely to be left exposed to the evils, the vices, nay,
to the enormities, of the state of being that she herself so willingly
resigned.

“It is of our boy that I wish now to speak, Mr. Goldencalf,” replied my
mother, when her secret devotion was ended. “The child will have need
of instruction and care; in short, of both mother and father.”

“Betsey, thou forgettest that he will still have the latter.”

“You are much wrapped up in your business, Mr. Goldencalf, and are not,
in other respects, qualified to educate a boy born to the curse and to
the temptations of immense riches.”

My excellent ancestor looked as if he thought his dying consort had in
sooth finally taken leave of her senses.

“There are public schools, Betsey; I promise thee the child shall not
be forgotten: I will have him well taught, though it cost me a thousand
a year!”

His wife reached forth her emaciated hand to that of my father, and
pressed the latter with as much force as a dying mother could use. For
a fleet moment she even appeared to have gotten rid of her latest care.
But the knowledge of character that had been acquired by the hard
experience of thirty years, was not to be unsettled by the gratitude of
a moment.

“I wish, Mr. Goldencalf,” she anxiously resumed, “to receive your
solemn promise to commit the education of our boy to Dr.
Etherington—you know his worth, and must have full confidence in such a
man.”

“Nothing would give me greater satisfaction, my dear Betsey; and if Dr.
Etherington will consent to receive him, I will send Jack to his house
this very evening; for, to own the truth, I am but little qualified to
take charge of a child under a year old. A hundred a year, more or
less, shall not spoil so good a bargain.”

The divine was a gentleman, and he looked grave at this speech, though,
meeting the anxious eyes of my mother, his own lost their displeasure
in a glance of reassurance and pity.

“The charges of his education will be easily settled, Mr. Goldencalf,”
added my mother; “but the Doctor has consented with difficulty to take
the responsibility of my poor babe, and that only under two
conditions.”

The stock-dealer required an explanation with his eyes.

“One is, that the child shall be left solely to his own care, after he
has reached his fourth year; and the other is, that you make an
endowment for the support of two poor scholars, at one of the principal
schools.”

As my mother got out the last words, she fell back on her pillow,
whence her interest in the subject had enabled her to lift her head a
little, and she fairly gasped for breath, in the intensity of her
anxiety to hear the answer. My ancestor contracted his brow, like one
who saw it was a subject that required reflection.

“Thou dost not know perhaps, Betsey, that these endowments swallow up a
great deal of money—a great deal—and often very uselessly.”

“Ten thousand pounds is the sum that has been agreed upon between Mrs.
Goldencalf and me,” steadily remarked the Doctor, who, in my soul, I
believe had hoped that his condition would be rejected, having yielded
to the importunities of a dying woman, rather than to his own sense of
that which might be either very desirable or very useful.

“Ten thousand pounds!”

My mother could not speak, though she succeeded in making an imploring
sign of assent.

“Ten thousand pounds is a great deal of money, my dear Betsey—a very
great deal!”

The color of my mother changed to the hue of death, and by her
breathing she appeared to be in the agony.

“Well, well, Betsey,” said my father a little hastily, for he was
frightened at her pallid countenance and extreme distress, “have it
thine own way—the money, yes, yes—it shall be given as thou wishest—now
set thy kind heart at rest.”

The revulsion of feeling was too great for one whose system had been
wound up to a state of excitement like that which had sustained my
mother, who, an hour before, had seemed scarcely able to speak. She
extended her hand toward her husband, smiled benignantly in his face,
whispered the word “Thanks,” and then, losing all her powers of body,
sank into the last sleep, as tranquilly as the infant drops its head on
the bosom of the nurse. This was, after all, a sudden, and, in one
sense, an unexpected death: all who witnessed it were struck with awe.
My father gazed for a whole minute intently on the placid features of
his wife, and left the room in silence. He was followed by Dr.
Etherington, who accompanied him to the private apartment where they
had first met that night, neither uttering a syllable until both were
seated.

“She was a good woman, Dr. Etherington!” said the widowed man, shaking
his foot with agitation.

“She was a good woman, Mr. Goldencalf.”

“And a good wife, Dr. Etherington.”

“I have always believed her to be a good wife, sir.”

“Faithful, obedient, and frugal.”

“Three qualities that are of much practical use in the affairs of this
world.”

“I shall never marry again, sir.”

The divine bowed.

“Nay, I never could find such another match!”

Again the divine inclined his head, though the assent was accompanied
by slight smile.

“Well, she has left me an heir.”

“And brought something that he might inherit,” observed the Doctor,
dryly.

My ancestor looked up inquiringly at his companion, but apparently most
of the sarcasm was thrown away,

“I resign the child to your care, Dr. Etherington, conformably to the
dying request of my beloved Betsey.”

“I accept the charge, Mr. Goldencalf, comformably to my promise to the
deceased; but you will remember that there was a condition coupled with
that promise which must be faithfully and promptly fulfilled.”

My ancestor was too much accustomed to respect the punctilios of trade,
whose code admits of frauds only in certain categories, which are
sufficiently explained in its conventional rules of honor; a sort of
specified morality, that is bottomed more on the convenience of its
votaries than on the general law of right. He respected the letter of
his promise while his soul yearned to avoid its spirit; and his wits
were already actively seeking the means of doing that which he so much
desired.

“I did make a promise to poor Betsey, certainly,” he answered, in the
way of one who pondered, “and it was a promise, too, made under very
solemn circumstances.”

“The promises made to the dead are doubly binding; since, by their
departure to the world of spirits, it may be said they leave the
performance to the exclusive superintendence of the Being who cannot
lie.”

My ancestor quailed; his whole frame shuddered, and his purpose was
shaken.

“Poor Betsey left you as her representative in this case, however,
Doctor,” he observed, after the delay of more than a minute, casting
his eyes wistfully towards the divine.

“In one sense, she certainly did, sir.”

“And a representative with full powers is legally a principal under a
different name. I think this matter might be arranged to our mutual
satisfaction, Dr. Etherington, and the intention of poor Betsey most
completely executed; she, poor woman, knew little of business, as was
best for her sex; and when women undertake affairs of magnitude, they
are very apt to make awkward work of it.”

“So that the intention of the deceased be completely fulfilled, you
will not find me exacting, Mr. Goldencalf.”

“I thought as much—I knew there could be no difficulty between two men
of sense, who were met with honest views to settle a matter of this
nature. The intention of poor Betsey, Doctor, was to place her child
under your care, with the expectation—and I do not deny its
justice—that the boy would receive more benefit from your knowledge
than he possibly could from mine.”

Dr. Etherington was too honest to deny these premises, and too polite
to admit them without an inclination of acknowledgment.

“As we are quite of the same mind, good sir, concerning the
preliminaries,” continued my ancestor, “we will enter a little nearer
into the details. It appears to me to be no more than strict justice,
that he who does the work should receive the reward. This is a
principle in which I have been educated, Dr. Etherington; it is one in
which I could wish to have my son educated; and it is one on which I
hope always to practise.”

Another inclination of the body conveyed the silent assent of the
divine.

“Now, poor Betsey, Heaven bless her!—for she was a meek and tranquil
companion, and richly deserves to be rewarded in a future state—but,
poor Betsey had little knowledge of business. She fancied that, in
bestowing these ten thousand pounds on a charity, she was acting well;
whereas she was in fact committing injustice. If you are to have the
trouble and care of bringing up little Jack, who but you should reap
the reward?”

“I shall expect, Mr. Goldencalf, that you will furnish the means to
provide for the child’s wants.”

“Of that, sir, it is unnecessary to speak,” interrupted my ancestor,
both promptly and proudly. “I am a wary man, and a prudent man, and am
one who knows the value of money, I trust; but I am no miser, to stint
my own flesh and blood. Jack shall never want for anything, while it is
in my power to give it. I am by no means as rich, sir, as the
neighborhood supposes; but then I am no beggar. I dare say, if all my
assets were fairly counted, it might be found that I am worth a plum.”

“You are said to have received a much larger sum than that with the
late Mrs. Goldencalf,” the divine observed, not without reproof in his
voice.

“Ah, dear sir, I need not tell you what vulgar rumor is—but I shall not
undermine my own credit; and we will change the subject. My object, Dr.
Etherington, was merely to do justice. Poor Betsey desired that ten
thousand pounds might be given to found a scholarship or two: now, what
have these scholars done, or what are they likely to do, for me or
mine? The case is different with you, sir; you will have trouble—much
trouble, I make no doubt; and it is proper that you should have a
sufficient compensation. I was about to propose, therefore, that you
should consent to receive my check for three, or four, or even for five
thousand pounds,” continued my ancestor, raising the offer as he saw
the frown on the brow of the Doctor deepen. “Yes, sir, I will even say
the latter sum, which possibly will not be too much for your trouble
and care; and we will forget the womanish plan of poor Betsey in
relation to the two scholarships and the charity. Five thousand pounds
down, Doctor, for yourself, and the subject of the charity forgotten
forever.”

When my father had thus distinctly put his proposition, he awaited its
effect with the confidence of a man who had long dealt with cupidity.
For a novelty, his calculation failed. The face of Dr. Etherington
flushed, then paled, and finally settled into a look of melancholy
reprehension. He arose and paced the room for several minutes in
silence; during which time his companion believed he was debating with
himself on the chances of obtaining a higher bid for his consent, when
he suddenly stopped and addressed my ancestor in a mild but steady
tone.

“I feel it to be a duty, Mr. Goldencalf,” he said, “to admonish you of
the precipice over which you hang. The love of money, which is the root
of all evil, which caused Judas to betray even his Saviour and God, has
taken deep root in your soul. You are no longer young, and although
still proud in your strength and prosperity, are much nearer to your
great account than you may be willing to believe. It is not an hour
since you witnessed the departure of a penitent soul for the presence
of her God; since you heard the dying request from her lips; and since,
in such a presence and in such a scene, you gave a pledge to respect
her wishes, and, now, with the accursed spirit of gain upper-most, you
would trifle with these most sacred obligations, in order to keep a
little worthless gold in a hand that is already full to overflowing.
Fancy that the pure spirit of thy confiding and single-minded wife were
present at this conversation; fancy it mourning over thy weakness and
violated faith—nay, I know not that such is not the fact; for there is
no reason to believe that the happy spirits are not permitted to watch
near, and mourn over us, until we are released from this mass of sin
and depravity in which we dwell—and, then, reflect what must be her
sorrow at hearing how soon her parting request is forgotten, how
useless has been the example of her holy end, how rooted and fearful
are thine own infirmities!”

My father was more rebuked by the manner than by the words of the
divine. He passed his hand across his brow, as if to shut out the view
of his wife’s spirit; turned, drew his writing materials nearer, wrote
a check for the ten thousand pounds, and handed it to the Doctor with
the subdued air of a corrected boy.

“Jack shall be at your disposal, good sir,” he said, as the paper was
delivered, “whenever it may be your pleasure to send for him.”

They parted in silence; the divine too much displeased, and my ancestor
too much grieved, to indulge in words of ceremony.

When my father found himself alone, he gazed furtively about the room,
to assure himself that the rebuking spirit of his wife had not taken a
shape less questionable than air, and then, he mused for at least an
hour, very painfully, on all the principal occurrences of the night. It
is said that occupation is a certain solace for grief, and so it proved
to be in the present case; for luckily my father had made up that very
day his private account of the sum total of his fortune. Sitting down,
therefore, to the agreeable task, he went through the simple process of
subtracting from it the amount for which he had just drawn, and,
finding that he was still master of seven hundred and eighty-two
thousand three hundred and eleven pounds odd shillings and even pence,
he found a very natural consolation for the magnitude of the sum he had
just given away, by comparing it with the magnitude of that which was
left.




CHAPTER III.
OPINIONS OF OUR AUTHOR’S ANCESTOR, TOGETHER WITH SOME OF HIS OWN, AND
SOME OF OTHER PEOPLE’S.


Dr. Etherington was both a pious man and a gentleman. The second son of
a baronet of ancient lineage, he had been educated in most of the
opinions of his caste, and possibly he was not entirely above its
prejudices; but, this much admitted, few divines were more willing to
defer to the ethics and principles of the Bible than himself. His
humility had, of course, a decent regard to station; his charity was
judiciously regulated by the articles of faith; and his philanthropy
was of the discriminating character that became a warm supporter of
church and state.

In accepting the trust which he was now obliged to assume, he had
yielded purely to a benevolent wish to smooth the dying pillow of my
mother. Acquainted with the character of her husband, he had committed
a sort of pious fraud, in attaching the condition of the endowment to
his consent; for, notwithstanding the becoming language of his own
rebuke, the promise, and all the other little attendant circumstances
of the night, it might be questioned which felt the most surprise after
the draft was presented and duly honored, he who found himself in
possession, or he who found himself deprived, of the sum of ten
thousand pounds sterling. Still Dr. Etherington acted with the most
scrupulous integrity in the whole affair; and although I am aware that
a writer who has so many wonders to relate, as must of necessity adorn
the succeeding pages of this manuscript, should observe a guarded
discretion in drawing on the credulity of his readers, truth compels me
to add, that every farthing of the money was duly invested with a
single eye to the wishes of the dying Christian, who, under Providence,
had been the means of bestowing so much gold on the poor and
unlettered. As to the manner in which the charity was finally improved,
I shall say nothing, since no inquiry on my part has ever enabled me to
obtain such information as would justify my speaking with authority.

As for myself, I shall have little more to add touching the events of
the succeeding twenty years. I was baptized, nursed, breeched,
schooled, horsed, confirmed, sent to the university, and graduated,
much as befalls all gentlemen of the established church in the united
kingdoms of Great Britain and Ireland, or, in other words, of the land
of my ancestor. During these pregnant years, Dr. Etherington acquitted
himself of a duty that, judging by a very predominant feeling of human
nature (which, singularly enough, renders us uniformly averse to being
troubled with other people’s affairs), I think he must have found
sufficiently vexatious, quite as well as my good mother had any right
to expect. Most of my vacations were spent at his rectory; for he had
first married, then become a father, next a widower, and had exchanged
his town living for one in the country, between the periods of my
mother’s death and that on my going to Eton; and, after I quitted
Oxford, much more of my time was passed beneath his friendly roof than
beneath that of my own parent. Indeed, I saw little of the latter. He
paid my bills, furnished me with pocket-money, and professed an
intention to let me travel after I should reach my majority. But,
satisfied with these proofs of paternal care, he appeared willing to
let me pursue my own course very much in my own way.

My ancestor was an eloquent example of the truth of that political
dogma which teaches the efficacy of the division of labor. No
manufacturer of the head of a pin ever attained greater dexterity in
his single-minded vocation than was reached by my father in the one
pursuit to which he devoted, as far as human ken could reach, both soul
and body. As any sense is known to increase in acuteness by constant
exercise, or any passion by indulgence, so did his ardor in favor of
the great object of his affections grow with its growth, and become
more manifest as an ordinary observer would be apt to think the motive
of its existence at all had nearly ceased. This is a moral phenomenon
that I have often had occasion to observe, and which, there is some
reason to think, depends on a principle of attraction that has hitherto
escaped the sagacity of the philosophers, but which is as active in the
immaterial, as is that of gravitation in the material world. Talents
like his, so incessantly and unweariedly employed, produced the usual
fruits. He grew richer hourly, and at the time of which I speak he was
pretty generally known to the initiated to be the warmest man who had
anything to do with the stock exchange.

I do not think that the opinions of my ancestor underwent as many
material changes between the ages of fifty and seventy as they had
undergone between the ages of ten and forty. During the latter period
the tree of life usually gets deep root, its inclination is fixed,
whether obtained by bending to the storms, or by drawing toward the
light; and it probably yields more in fruits of its own, than it gains
by tillage and manuring. Still my ancestor was not exactly the same man
the day he kept his seventieth birthday as he had been the day he kept
his fiftieth. In the first place, he was worth thrice the money at the
former period that he had been worth at the latter. Of course his moral
system had undergone all the mutations that are known to be dependent
on a change of this important character. Beyond a question, during the
last five-and-twenty years of the life of my ancestor, his political
bias, too, was in favor of exclusive privileges and exclusive benefits.
I do not mean that he was an aristocrat in the vulgar acceptation. To
him, feudality was a blank; he had probably never heard the word.
Portcullises rose and fell, flanking towers lifted their heads, and
embattled walls swept around their fabrics in vain, so far as his
imagination was concerned. He cared not for the days of courts leet and
courts baron; nor for the barons themselves; nor for the honors of a
pedigree (why should he?—no prince in the land could more clearly trace
his family into obscurity than himself), nor for the vanities of a
court, nor for those of society; nor for aught else of the same nature
that is apt to have charms for the weak-minded, the imaginative, or the
conceited. His political prepossessions showed themselves in a very
different manner. Throughout the whole of the five lustres I have
named, he was never heard to whisper a censure against government, let
its measures, or the character of its administration, be what it would.
It was enough for him that it was government. Even taxation no longer
excited his ire, nor aroused his eloquence. He conceived it to be
necessary to order, and especially to the protection of property, a
branch of political science that he had so studied as to succeed in
protecting his own estate, in a measure, against even this great ally
itself. After he became worth a million, it was observed that all his
opinions grew less favorable to mankind in general, and that he was
much disposed to exaggerate the amount and quality of the few boons
which Providence has bestowed on the poor. The report of a meeting of
the Whigs generally had an effect on his appetite; a resolution that
was suspected of emanating from Brookes’s commonly robbed him of a
dinner, and the Radicals never seriously moved that he did not spend a
sleepless night, and pass a large portion of the next day in uttering
words that it would be hardly moral to repeat. I may without
impropriety add, however, that on such occasions he did not spare
allusions to the gallows; Sir Francis Burdett, in particular, was a
target for a good deal of billingsgate; and men as upright and as
respectable even as my lords Grey, Landsdowne, and Holland, were
treated as if they were no better than they should be. But on these
little details it is unnecessary to dwell, for it must be a subject of
common remark, that the more elevated and refined men become in their
political ethics, the more they are accustomed to throw dirt upon their
neighbors. I will just state, however, that most of what I have here
related has been transmitted to me by direct oral traditions, for I
seldom saw my ancestor, and when we did meet, it was only to settle
accounts, to eat a leg of mutton together, and to part like those who,
at least, have never quarrelled.

Not so with Dr. Etherington. Habit (to say nothing of my own merits)
had attached him to one who owed so much to his care, and his doors
were always as open to me as if I had been his own son.

It has been said that most of my idle time (omitting the part misspent
in the schools) was passed at the rectory.

The excellent divine had married a lovely woman, a year or two after
the death of my mother, who had left him a widower, and the father of a
little image of herself, before the expiration of a twelvemonth. Owing
to the strength of his affections for the deceased, or for his
daughter, or because he could not please himself in a second marriage
as well as it had been his good fortune to do in the first, Dr.
Etherington had never spoken of forming another connection. He appeared
content to discharge his duties, as a Christian and a gentleman,
without increasing them by creating any new relations with society.

Anna Etherington was of course my constant companion during many long
and delightful visits at the rectory. Three years my junior, the
friendship on my part had commenced by a hundred acts of boyish
kindness. Between the ages of seven and twelve, I dragged her about in
a garden-chair, pushed her on the swing, and wiped her eyes and uttered
words of friendly consolation when any transient cloud obscured the
sunny brightness of her childhood. From twelve to fourteen, I told her
stories; astonished her with narratives of my own exploits at Eton, and
caused her serene blue eyes to open in admiration at the marvels of
London. At fourteen, I began to pick up her pocket-handkerchief, hunt
for her thimble, accompany her in duets, and to read poetry to her, as
she occupied herself with the little lady-like employments of the
needle. About the age of seventeen I began to compare cousin Anna, as I
was permitted to call her, with the other young girls of my
acquaintance, and the comparison was generally much in her favor. It
was also about this time that, as my admiration grew more warm and
manifest, she became less confiding and less frank; I perceived too
that, for a novelty, she now had some secrets that she did not choose
to communicate to me, that she was more with her governess, and less in
my society than formerly, and on one occasion (bitterly did I feel the
slight) she actually recounted to her father the amusing incidents of a
little birthday fete at which she had been present, and which was given
by a gentleman of the vicinity, before she even dropped a hint to me,
touching the delight she had experienced on the occasion. I was,
however, a good deal compensated for the slight by her saying, kindly,
as she ended her playful and humorous account of the affair:

“It would have made you laugh heartily, Jack, to see the droll manner
in which the servants acted their parts” (there had been a sort of
mystified masque), “more particularly the fat old butler, of whom they
had made a Cupid, as Dick Griffin said, in order to show that love
becomes drowsy and dull by good eating and drinking—I DO wish you COULD
have been there, Jack.”

Anna was a gentle feminine girl, with a most lovely and winning
countenance, and I did inherently like to hear her pronounce the word
“Jack”—it was so different from the boisterous screech of the Eton
boys, or the swaggering call of my boon companions at Oxford!

“I should have liked it excessively myself, Anna,” I answered; “more
particularly as you seem to have so much enjoyed the fun.”

“Yes, but that COULD NOT BE” interrupted Miss-Mrs. Norton, the
governess. “For Sir Harry Griffin is very difficult about his
associates, and you know, my dear, that Mr. Goldencalf, though a very
respectable young man himself, could not expect one of the oldest
baronets of the county to go out of his way to invite the son of a
stock-jobber to be present at a fete given to his own heir.”

Luckily for Miss-Mrs. Norton, Dr. Etherington had walked away the
moment his daughter ended her recital, or she might have met with a
disagreeable commentary on her notions concerning the fitness of
associations. Anna herself looked earnestly at her governess, and I saw
a flush mantle over her sweet face that reminded me of the ruddiness of
morn. Her soft eyes then fell to the floor, and it was some time before
she spoke.

The next day I was arranging some fishing-tackle under a window of the
library, where my person was concealed by the shrubbery, when I heard
the melodious voice of Anna wishing the rector good morning. My heart
beat quicker as she approached the casement, tenderly inquiring of her
parent how he had passed the night. The answers were as affectionate as
the questions, and then there was a little pause.

“What is a stock-jobber, father?” suddenly resumed Anna, whom I heard
rustling the leaves above my head.

“A stock-jobber, my dear, is one who buys and sells in the public
funds, with a view to profit.”

“And is it thought a PARTICULARLY disgraceful employment?”

“Why, that depends on circumstances. On ’Change it seems to be well
enough—among merchants and bankers there is some odium attached to it,
I believe.”

“And can you say why, father?”

“I believe,” said Dr. Etherington, laughing, “for no other reason than
that it is an uncertain calling—one that is liable to sudden
reverses—what is termed gambling—and whatever renders property insecure
is sure to obtain odium among those whose principal concern is its
accumulation; those who consider the responsibility of others of
essential importance to themselves.”

“But is it a dishonest pursuit, father?”

“As the times go, not necessarily, my dear; though it may readily
become so.”

“And is it disreputable, generally, with the world?”

“That depends on circumstances, Anna. When the stock-jobber loses, he
is very apt to be condemned; but I rather think his character rises in
proportion to his gains. But why do you ask these singular questions,
love?”

I thought I heard Anna breathe harder than usual, and it is certain
that she leaned far out of the window to pluck a rose.

“Why, Mrs. Norton said Jack was not invited to Sir Harry Griffin’s
because his father was a stock-jobber. Do you think she was right,
sir?”

“Very likely, my dear,” returned the divine, who I fancied was smiling
at the question. “Sir Harry has the advantages of birth, and he
probably did not forget that our friend Jack was not so fortunate—and,
moreover, Sir Harry, while he values himself on his wealth, is not as
rich as Jack’s father by a million or two—in other words, as they say
on ’Change, Jack’s father could buy ten of him. This motive was perhaps
more likely to influence him than the first. In addition, Sir Harry is
suspected of gambling himself in the funds through the aid of agents;
and a gentleman who resorts to such means to increase his fortune is a
little apt to exaggerate his social advantages by way of a set-off to
the humiliation.”

“And GENTLEMEN do really become stock-jobbers, father?”

“Anna, the world has undergone great changes in my time. Ancient
opinions have been shaken, and governments themselves are getting to be
little better than political establishments to add facilities to the
accumulation of money. This is a subject, however, you cannot very well
understand, nor do I pretend to be very profound in it myself.”

“But is Jack’s father really so very, very rich?” asked Anna, whose
thoughts had been wandering from the thread of those pursued by her
father.

“He is believed to be so.”

“And Jack is his heir.”

“Certainly—he has no other child; though it is not easy to say what so
singular a being may do with his money.”

“I hope he will disinherit Jack!”

“You surprise me, Anna! You, who are so mild and reasonable, to wish
such a misfortune to befall our young friend John Goldencalf!” I gazed
upward in astonishment at this extraordinary speech of Anna, and at the
moment I would have given all my interest in the fortune in question to
have seen her face (most of her body was out of the window, for I heard
her again rustling the bush above my head), in order to judge of her
motive by its expression; but an envious rose grew exactly in the only
spot where it was possible to get a glimpse.

“Why do you wish so cruel a thing?” resumed Dr. Etherington, a little
earnestly.

“Because I hate stock-jobbing and its riches, father. Were Jack poorer,
it seems to me he would be better esteemed.”

As this was uttered the dear girl drew back, and I then perceived that
I had mistaken her cheek for one of the largest and most blooming of
the flowers. Dr. Etherington laughed, and I distinctly heard him kiss
the blushing face of his daughter. I think I would have given up my
hopes in another million to have been the rector at Tenthpig at that
instant.

“If that be all, child,” he answered, “set thy heart at rest. Jack’s
money will never bring him into contempt unless through the use he may
make of it. Alas! Anna, we live in an age of corruption and cupidity!
Generous motives appear to be lost sight of in the general desire of
gain; and he who would manifest a disposition to a pure and
disinterested philanthropy is either distrusted as a hypocrite or
derided as a fool. The accursed revolution among our neighbors the
French has quite unsettled opinions, and religion itself has tottered
in the wild anarchy of theories to which it has given rise. There is no
worldly advantage that has been more austerely denounced by the divine
writers than riches, and yet it is fast rising to be the god of the
ascendant. To say nothing of an hereafter, society is getting to be
corrupted by it to the core, and even respect for birth is yielding to
the mercenary feeling.”

“And do you not think pride of birth, father, a mistaken prejudice as
well as pride of riches?”

“Pride of any sort, my love, cannot exactly be defended on evangelical
principles; but surely some distinctions among men are necessary, even
for quiet. Were the levelling principle acknowledged, the lettered and
the accomplished must descend to an equality with the ignorant and
vulgar, since all men cannot rise to the attainments of the former
class, and the world would retrograde to barbarism. The character of a
Christian gentleman is much too precious to trifle with in order to
carry out an impracticable theory.”

Anna was silent. Probably she was confused between the opinions which
she most liked to cherish and the faint glimmerings of truth to which
we are reduced by the ordinary relations of life. As for the good
rector himself, I had no difficulty in understanding his bias, though
neither his premises nor his conclusions possessed the logical
clearness that used to render his sermons so delightful, more
especially when he preached about the higher qualities of the Saviour’s
dispensation, such as charity, love of our fellows, and, in particular,
the imperative duty of humbling ourselves before God.

A month after this accidental dialogue, chance made me auditor of what
passed between my ancestor and Sir Joseph Job, another celebrated
dealer in the funds, in an interview that took place in the house of
the former in Cheapside. As the difference was so PATENT, as the French
express it, I shall furnish the substance of what passed.

“This is a serious and a most alarming movement, Mr. Goldencalf,”
observed Sir Joseph, “and calls for union and cordiality among the
holders of property. Should these damnable opinions get fairly abroad
among the people, what would become of us? I ask, Mr. Goldencalf, what
would become of us?”

“I agree with you, Sir Joseph, it is very alarming!—frightfully
alarming!”

“We shall have agrarian laws, sir. Your money, sir, and mine—our hard
earnings—will become the prey of political robbers, and our children
will be beggared to satisfy the envious longings of some pitiful
scoundrel without a six-pence!”

“’Tis a sad state of things, Sir Joseph; and government is very
culpable that it don’t raise at least ten new regiments.”

“The worst of it is, good Mr. Goldencalf, that there are some
jack-a-napeses of the aristocracy who lead the rascals on and lend them
the sanction of their names. It is a great mistake, sir, that we give
so much importance to birth in this island, by which means proud
beggars set unwashed blackguards in motion, and the substantial
subjects are the sufferers. Property, sir, is in danger, and property
is the only true basis of society.”

“I am sure, Sir Joseph, I never could see the smallest use in birth.”

“It is of no use but to beget pensioners, Mr. Goldencalf. Now with
property it is a different thing—money is the parent of money, and by
money a state becomes powerful and prosperous. But this accursed
revolution among our neighbors the French has quite unsettled opinions,
and, alas! property is in perpetual danger!”

“Sorry am I to say, I feel it to be so in every nerve of my body, Sir
Joseph.”

“We must unite and defend ourselves, Mr. Goldencalf, else both you and
I, men warm enough and substantial enough at present, will be in the
ditch. Do you not see that we are in actual danger of a division of
property?”

“God forbid!”

“Yes, sir, our sacred property is in danger!”

Here Sir Joseph shook my father cordially by the hand and withdrew. I
find, by a memorandum among the papers of my deceased ancestor, that he
paid the broker of Sir Joseph, that day month, sixty-two thousand seven
hundred and twelve pounds difference (as bull and bear), owing to the
fact of the knight having got some secret information through a clerk
in one of the offices; an advantage that enabled him, in this instance,
at least, to make a better bargain than one who was generally allowed
to be among the shrewdest speculators on ’Change.

My mind was of a nature to be considerably exercised (as the pious
purists express it), by becoming the depository of sentiments so
diametrically opposed to each other as those of Dr. Etherington and
those of Sir Joseph Job. On the one side, I was taught the degradation
of birth; on the other, the dangers of property. Anna was usually my
confidant, but on this subject I was tongue-tied, for I dared not
confess that I had overheard the discourse with her father, and I was
compelled to digest the contradictory doctrines by myself in the best
manner I could.




CHAPTER IV.
SHOWING THE UPS AND DOWNS, THE HOPES AND FEARS, AND THE VAGARIES OF
LOVE, SOME VIEWS OF DEATH, AND AN ACCOUNT OF AN INHERITANCE.


From my twentieth to my twenty-third year no event occurred of any
great moment. The day I became of age my father settled on me a regular
allowance of a thousand a year, and I make no doubt I should have spent
my time much as other young men had it not been for the peculiarity of
my birth, which I now began to see was wanting in a few of the
requisites to carry me successfully through a struggle for place with a
certain portion of what is called the great world. While most were
anxious to trace themselves into obscurity, there was a singular
reluctance to effecting the object as clearly and as distinctly as it
was in my power to do. From all which, as well as from much other
testimony, I have been led to infer that the doses of mystification
which appear to be necessary to the happiness of the human race require
to be mixed with an experienced and a delicate hand. Our organs, both
physically and morally, are so fearfully constituted that they require
to be protected from realities. As the physical eye has need of clouded
glass to look steadily at the sun so it would seem the mind’s eye has
also need of something smoky to look steadily at truth. But, while I
avoided laying open the secret of my heart to Anna, I sought various
opportunities to converse with Dr. Etherington and my father on those
points which gave me the most concern. From the first, I heard
principles which went to show that society was of necessity divided
into orders; that it was not only impolitic but wicked to weaken the
barriers by which they were separated; that Heaven had its seraphs and
cherubs, its archangels and angels, its saints and its merely happy,
and that, by obvious induction, this world ought to have its kings,
lords, and commons. The usual winding-up of all the Doctor’s essays was
a lamentation on the confusion in classes that was visiting England as
a judgment. My ancestor, on the other hand, cared little for social
classification, or for any other conservatory expedient but force. On
this topic he would talk all day, regiments and bayonets glittering in
every sentence. When most eloquent on this theme he would cry (like Mr.
Manners Sutton), “ORDER—order!” nor can I recall a single disquisition
that did not end with, “Alas, Jack, property is in danger!”

I shall not say that my mind entirely escaped confusion among these
conflicting opinions, although I luckily got a glimpse of one important
truth, for both the commentators cordially agreed in fearing and, of
necessity, in hating the mass of their fellow-creatures. My own natural
disposition was inclining to philanthropy, and as I was unwilling to
admit the truth of theories that arrayed me in open hostility against
so large a portion of mankind, I soon determined to set up one of my
own, which, while it avoided the faults, should include the excellences
of both the others. It was, of course, no great affair merely to form
such a resolution; but I shall have occasion to say a word hereafter on
the manner in which I attempted to carry it out in practice.

Time moved on, and Anna became each day more beautiful. I thought that
she had lost some of her frankness and girlish gayety, it is true,
after the dialogue with her father; but this I attributed to the
reserve and discretion that became the expanding reason and greater
feeling of propriety that adorn young womanhood. With me she was always
ingenuous and simple, and were I to live a thousand years the angelic
serenity of countenance with which she invariably listened to the
theories of my busy brain would not be erased from recollection.

We were talking of these things one morning quite alone. Anna heard me
when I was most sedate with manifest pleasure, and she smiled
mournfully when the thread of my argument was entangled by a vagary of
the imagination. I felt at my heart’s core what a blessing such a
mentor would be, and how fortunate would be my lot could I succeed in
securing her for life. Still I did not, could not, summon courage to
lay bare my inmost thoughts, and to beg a boon that in these moments of
transient humility I feared I never should be worthy to possess.

“I have even thought of marrying,” I continued—so occupied with my own
theories as not to weigh, with the accuracy that becomes the frankness
and superior advantages which man possesses over the gentler sex, the
full import of my words; “could I find one, Anna, as gentle, as good,
as beautiful, and as wise as yourself who would consent to be mine, I
should not wait a minute; but, unhappily, I fear this is not likely to
be my blessed lot. I am not the grandson of a baronet, and your father
expects to unite you with one who can at least show that the ‘bloody
hand’ has once been born on his shield; and, on the other side, my
father talks of nothing but millions.” During the first part of this
speech the amiable girl looked kindly up at me, and with a seeming
desire to soothe me; but at its close her eyes dropped upon her work
and she remained silent. “Your father says that every man who has an
interest in the state should give it pledges”—here Anna smiled, but so
covertly that her sweet mouth scarce betrayed the impulse—“and that
none others can ever control it to advantage. I have thought of asking
my father to buy a borough and a baronetcy, for with the first, and the
influence that his money gives, he need not long wish for the last; but
I never open my lips on any matter of the sort that he does not answer
‘Fol lol der rol, Jack, with your knighthoods, and social order, and
bishoprics, and boroughs—property is in danger!—loans and regiments, if
thou wilt—give us more order “ORDER—order”—bayonets are what we want,
boy, and good wholesome taxes, to accustom the nation to contribute to
its own wants and to maintain its credit. Why, youngster, if the
interest on the debt were to remain unpaid twenty-four hours, your body
corporate, as you call it, would die a natural death; and what would
then become of your knights—barro-knights?—and barren enough some of
them are getting to be by their wastefulness and extravagance. Get thee
married, Jack, and settle prudently. There is neighbor Silverpenny has
an only daughter of a suitable age; and a good hussy is she in the
bargain. The only daughter of Oliver Silverpenny will be a suitable
wife for the only son of Thomas Goldencalf; though I give thee notice,
boy, that thou wilt be cut off with a competency; so keep thy head
clear of extravagant castle-building, learn economy in season, and,
above all, make no debts.’” Anna laughed as I humorously imitated the
well-known intonations of Mr. Speaker Sutton, but a cloud darkened her
bright features when I concluded.

“Yesterday I mentioned the subject to your father,” I resumed, “and he
thought with me that the idea of the borough and the baronetcy was a
good one. ‘You would be the second of your line, Jack,’ he said, ‘and
that is always better than being the first; for there is no security
for a man’s being a good member of society like that of his having
presented to his eyes the examples of those who have gone before him,
and who have been distinguished by their services or their virtues. If
your father would consent to come into parliament and sustain
government at this critical moment, his origin would be overlooked, and
you would have pride in looking back on his acts. As it is, I fear his
whole soul is occupied with the unworthy and debasing passion of mere
gain. Money is a necessary auxiliary to rank, and without rank there
can be no order, and without order no liberty; but when the love of
money gets to occupy the place of respect for descent and past actions,
a community loses the very sentiment on which all its noble exploits
are bottomed.’ So you see, dear Anna, that our parents hold very
different opinions on a very grave question, and between natural
affection and acquired veneration I scarcely know which to receive. If
I could find one sweet, and wise, and beautiful as thou, and who could
pity me, I would marry to-morrow, and cast all the future on the
happiness that is to be found with such a companion.”

As usual, Anna heard me in silence. That she did not, however, view
matrimony with exactly the same eyes as myself was clearly proved the
very next day, for young Sir Harry Griffin (the father was dead)
offered in form and was very decidedly refused.

Although I was always happy at the rectory, I could not help feeling
rather than seeing that, as the French express it, I occupied a false
position in society. Known to be the expectant of great wealth, it was
not easy to be overlooked altogether in a country whose government is
based on a representation of property, and in which boroughs are openly
in market; and yet they who had obtained the accidental advantage of
having their fortunes made by their grandfathers were constantly
convincing me that mine, vast as it was thought to be, was made by my
father. Ten thousand times did I wish (as it has since been expressed
by the great captain of the age), that I had been my own grandson; for
notwithstanding the probability that he who is nearest to the founder
of a fortune is the most likely to share the largest in its
accumulations, as he who is nearest in descent to the progenitor who
has illustrated his race is the most likely to feel the influence of
his character, I was not long in perceiving that in highly refined and
intellectual communities the public sentiment, as it is connected with
the respect and influence that are the meed of both, directly refutes
the inferences of all reasonable conjectures on the subject. I was out
of my place, uneasy, ashamed, proud, and resentful; in short I occupied
a FALSE POSITION, and unluckily one from which I saw no plausible
retreat except by falling back on Lombard street or by cutting my
throat. Anna alone—kind, gentle, serene-eyed Anna—entered into all my
joys, sympathized in my mortifications, and appeared to view me as I
was; neither dazzled by my wealth nor repelled by my origin. The day
she refused young Sir Harry Griffin I could have kneeled at her feet
and called her blessed!

It is said that no moral disease is ever benefited by its study. I was
a living proof of the truth of the opinion that brooding over one’s
wrongs or infirmities seldom does much more than aggravate the evil. I
greatly fear it is in the nature of man to depreciate the advantages he
actually enjoys and to exaggerate those which are denied him. Fifty
times during the six months that succeeded the repulse of the young
baronet did I resolve to take heart and to throw myself at the feet of
Anna, and as often was I deterred by the apprehension that I had
nothing to render me worthy of one so excellent, and especially of one
who was the granddaughter of the seventh English baronet. I do not
pretend to explain the connection between cause and effect, for I am
neither physician nor metaphysician; but the tumult of spirits that
resulted from so many doubts, hopes, fears, resolutions, and breakings
of resolutions, began to affect my health, and I was just about to
yield to the advice of my friends (among whom Anna was the most earnest
and the most sorrowful), to travel, when an unexpected call to attend
the death-bed of my ancestor was received. I tore myself from the
rectory and hurried up to town with the diligence and assiduity of an
only son and heir summoned on an occasion so solemn.

I found my ancestor still in the possession of his senses, though given
over by the physicians; a circumstance that proved a degree of
disinterestedness and singleness of purpose on their part that was
scarcely to be expected towards a patient who it was commonly believed
was worth more than a million. My reception by the servants and by the
two or three friends who had assembled on this melancholy occasion,
too, was sympathizing, warm, and of a character to show their
solicitude and forethought.

My reception by the sick man was less marked. The total abstraction of
his faculties in the one great pursuit of his life; a certain sternness
of purpose which is apt to get the ascendant with those who are
resolute to gain, and which usually communicates itself to the manners;
and an absence of those kinder ties that are developed by the exercise
of the more familiar charities of our existence had opened a breach
between us that was not to be filled by the simple unaided fact of
natural affinity. I say of natural affinity, for notwithstanding the
doubts that cast their shadows on that branch of my genealogical tree
by which I was connected with my maternal grandfather, the title of the
king to his crown is not more apparent than was my direct lineal
descent from my father. I always believed him to be my ancestor de jure
as well as de facto, and could fain have loved him and honored him as
such had my natural yearnings been met with more lively bowels of
sympathy on his side.

Notwithstanding the long and unnatural estrangement that had thus
existed between the father and son, the meeting on the present occasion
was not entirely without some manifestations of feeling.

“Thou art come at last, Jack,” said my ancestor; “I was afraid, boy,
thou might’st be too late.”

The difficult breathing, haggard countenance, and broken utterance of
my father struck me with awe. This was the first death-bed by which I
had ever stood; and the admonishing picture of time passing into
eternity was indelibly stamped on my memory. It was not only a
death-bed scene, but it was a family death-bed scene. I know not how it
was, but I thought my ancestor looked more like the Goldencalfs than I
had ever seen him look before.

“Thou hast come at last, Jack,” he repeated, “and I’m glad of it. Thou
art the only being in whom I have now any concern. It might have been
better, perhaps, had I lived more with my kind—but thou wilt be the
gainer. Ah! Jack, we are but miserable mortals after all! To be called
away so suddenly and so young!”

My ancestor had seen his seventy-fifth birthday; but unhappily he had
not settled all his accounts with the world, although he had given the
physician his last fee and sent the parson away with a donation to the
poor of the parish that would make even a beggar merry for a whole
life.

“Thou art come at last, Jack! Well, my loss will be thy gain, boy! Send
the nurse from the room.”

I did as commanded, and we were left to ourselves.

“Take this key,” handing me one from beneath his pillow, “and open the
upper drawer of my secretary. Bring me the packet which is addressed to
thyself.”

I silently obeyed; when my ancestor, first gazing at it with a sadness
that I cannot well describe—for it was neither worldly nor quite of an
ethereal character, but a singular and fearful compound of both—put the
papers into my hand, relinquishing his hold slowly and with reluctance.

“Thou wilt wait till I am out of thy sight, Jack?”

A tear burst from out its source and fell upon the emaciated hand of my
father. He looked at me wistfully, and I felt a slight pressure that
denoted affection.

“It might have been better, Jack, had we known more of each other. But
Providence made me fatherless, and I have lived childless by my own
folly. Thy mother was a saint, I believe; but I fear I learned it too
late. Well, a blessing often comes at the eleventh hour!”

As my ancestor now manifested a desire not to be disturbed, I called
the nurse and quitted the room, retiring to my own modest chamber,
where the packet, a large bundle of papers sealed and directed to
myself in the handwriting of the dying man, was carefully secured under
a good lock. I did not meet my father again but once under
circumstances which admitted of intelligible communion. From the time
of our first interview he gradually grew worse, his reason tottered,
and, like the sinful cardinal of Shakespeare, “he died and gave no
sign.”

Three days after my arrival, however, I was left alone with him, and he
suddenly revived from a state approaching to stupor. It was the only
time since the first interview in which he had seemed even to know me.

“Thou art come at last!” he said, in a tone that was already
sepulchral. “Canst tell me, boy, why they had golden rods to measure
the city?” His nurse had been reading to him a chapter of the
Revelations which had been selected by himself. “Thou seest, lad, the
wall itself was of jasper and the city was of pure gold—I shall not
need money in my new habitation—ha! it will not be wanted there!—I am
not crazed, Jack—would I had loved gold less and my kind more. The city
itself is of pure gold and the walls of jasper—precious abode!—ha!
Jack, thou hearest, boy—I am happy—too happy, Jack!—gold—gold!”

The final words were uttered with a shout. They were the last that ever
came from the lips of Thomas Goldencalf. The noise brought in the
attendants, who found him dead. I ordered the room to be cleared as
soon as the melancholy truth was fairly established, and remained
several minutes alone with the body. The countenance was set in death.
The eyes, still open, had that revolting glare of frenzied delight with
which the spirit had departed, and the whole face presented the dread
picture of a hopeless end. I knelt and, though a Protestant, prayed
fervently for the soul of the deceased. I then took my leave of the
first and the last of all my ancestors.

To this scene succeeded the usual period of outward sorrow, the
interment, and the betrayal of the expectations of the survivors. I
observed that the house was much frequented by many who rarely or never
had crossed its threshold during the life of its late owner. There was
much cornering, much talking in an undertone, and looking at me that I
did not understand, and gradually the number of regular visitors
increased until it amounted to about twenty. Among them were the parson
of the parish, the trustees of several notorious charities, three
attorneys, four or five well-known dealers of the stock exchange,
foremost among whom was Sir Joseph Job, and three of the professionally
benevolent, or of those whose sole occupation appears to be that of
quickening the latent charities of their neighbors.

The day after my ancestor was finally removed from our sight, the house
was more than usually crowded. The secret conferences increased both in
earnestness and in frequency, and finally I was summoned to meet these
ill-timed guests in the room which had been the sanctum sanctorum of
the late owner of the dwelling. As I entered among twenty strange
faces, wondering why I, who had hitherto passed through life so little
heeded, should be unseasonably importuned, Sir Joseph Job presented
himself as the spokesman of the party.

“We have sent for you, Mr. Goldencalf,” the knight commenced, decently
wiping his eyes, “because we think that respect for our late
much-esteemed, most excellent, and very respectable friend requires
that we no longer neglect his final pleasure, but that we should
proceed at once to open his will, in order that we may take prompt
measures for its execution. It would have been more regular had we done
this before he was interred, for we cannot have foreseen his pleasure
concerning his venerable remains; but it is fully my determination to
have everything done as he has ordered, even though we may be compelled
to disinter the body.”

I am habitually quiescent, and possibly credulous, but nature has not
denied me a proper spirit. What Sir Joseph Job, or any one but myself,
had to do with the will of my ancestor did not strike me at first
sight; and I took care to express as much, in terms it was not easy to
misunderstand.

“The only child and, indeed, the only known relative of the deceased,”
I said, “I do not well see, gentlemen, how this subject should interest
in this lively manner so many strangers!”

“Very spirited and proper, no doubt, sir,” returned Sir Joseph,
smiling; “but you ought to know, young gentleman, that if there are
such things as heirs there are also such things as executors!”

This I did know already, and I had also somewhere imbibed an opinion
that the latter was commonly the most lucrative situation.

“Have you any reason to suppose, Sir Joseph Job, that my late father
has selected you to fulfil this trust?”

“That will be better known in the end, young gentleman. Your late
father is known to have died rich, very rich—not that he has left as
much by half a million as vulgar report will have it—but what I should
term comfortably off; and it is unreasonable to suppose that a man of
his great caution and prudence should suffer his money to go to the
heir-at-law, that heir being a youth only in his twenty-third year,
ignorant of business, not over-gifted with experience, and having the
propensities of all his years in this ill-behaving and extravagant age,
without certain trusts and provisions which will leave his hard
earnings for some time to come under the care of men who like himself
know the full value of money.”

“No, never!—’tis quite impossible—’tis more than impossible!” exclaimed
the bystanders, all shaking their heads.

“And the late Mr. Goldencalf, too, intimate with most of the
substantial names on ’Change, and particularly with Sir Joseph Job!”
added another.

Sir Joseph Job nodded his head, smiled, stroked his chin, and stood
waiting for my reply.

“Property is in danger, Sir Joseph,” I said, ironically; “but it
matters not. If there is a will, it is as much my interest to know it
as it can possibly be yours; and I am quite willing that a search be
made on the spot.”

Sir Joseph looked daggers at me; but being a man of business he took me
at my word, and, receiving the keys I offered, a proper person was
immediately set to work to open the drawers. The search was continued
for four hours without success. Every private drawer was rummaged,
every paper opened, and many a curious glance was cast at the contents
of the latter, in order to get some clew to the probable amount of the
assets of the deceased. Consternation and uneasiness very evidently
increased among most of the spectators as the fruitless examination
proceeded; and when the notary ended, declaring that no will was to be
found, nor any evidence of credits, every eye was fastened on me as if
I were suspected of stealing that which in the order of nature was
likely to be my own without the necessity of crime.

“There must be a secret repository of papers somewhere,” said Sir
Joseph Job, as if he suspected more than he wished just then to
express; “Mr. Goldencalf is largely a creditor on the public books, and
yet here is not so much as a scrip for a pound!”

I left the room and soon returned, bringing with me the bundle that had
been committed to me by my father.

“Here, gentlemen,” I said, “is a large packet of papers that were given
to me by the deceased on his death-bed with his own hands. It is, as
you see, sealed with his seal and especially addressed to me in his own
handwriting, and it is not violent to suppose that the contents concern
me only. Still, as you take so great an interest in the affairs of the
deceased, it shall now be opened, and those contents, so far as you can
have any right to know them, shall not be hid from you.”

I thought Sir Joseph looked grave when he saw the packet and had
examined the handwriting of the envelope. All, however, expressed their
satisfaction that the search was now most probably ended. I broke the
seals and exposed the contents of the envelope. Within it there were
several smaller packets, each sealed with the seal of the deceased, and
each addressed to me in his own handwriting like the external covering.
Each of these smaller packets, too, had a separate indorsement of its
contents. Taking them as they lay, I read aloud the nature of each
before I proceeded to the next. They were also numbered.

“No. 1,” I commenced. “Certificates of public stock held by Tho.
Goldencalf, June 12th, 1815.” We were now at June 29th of the same
year. As I laid aside this packet I observed that the sum indorsed on
its back greatly exceeded a million. “No. 2. Certificates of Bank of
England stock.” This sum was several hundred thousands of pounds. “No.
3. South Sea Annuities.” Nearly three hundred thousand pounds. “No. 4.
Bonds and mortgages.” Four hundred and thirty thousand pounds. “No. 5.
The bond of Sir Joseph Job for sixty-three thousand pounds.”

I laid down the paper and involuntarily exclaimed, “Property is in
danger!” Sir Joseph turned pale, but he beckoned to me to proceed,
saying, “We shall soon come to the will, sir.”

“No. 6.—” I hesitated; for it was an assignment to myself, which from
its very nature I perceived was an abortive attempt to escape the
payment of the legacy duty.

“Well, sir, No. 6?” inquired Sir Joseph, with tremulous exultation.

“Is an instrument affecting myself, and with which you have no concern,
sir.”

“We shall see, sir, we shall see, sir—if you refuse to exhibit the
paper there are laws to compel you.”

“To do what, Sir Joseph Job? To exhibit to my father’s debtors’ papers
that are exclusively addressed to me and which can affect me only? But
here is the paper, gentlemen, that you so much desire to see. ‘No. 7.
The last will and testament of Tho. Goldencalf, dated June 17th,
1816.’” (He died June the 24th of the same year.)

“Ah! the precious instrument!” exclaimed Sir Joseph Job, eagerly
extending his hand as if expecting to receive the will.

“This paper, as you perceive, gentlemen,” I said, holding it up in a
manner that all present might see it, “is especially addressed to
myself, and it shall not quit my hands until I learn that some other
has a better right to it.”

I confess my heart failed me as I broke the seals, for I had seen but
little of my father and I knew that he had been a man of very peculiar
opinions as well as habits. The will was all in his own handwriting,
and it was very short. Summoning courage I read it aloud in the
following words:

“In the name of God—Amen: I, Tho. Goldencalf, of the parish of Bow, in
the city of London, do publish and declare this instrument to be my
last will and testament:

“That is to say; I bequeath to my only child and much-beloved son, John
Goldencalf, all my real estate in the parish of Bow and city of London,
aforesaid, to be held in free-simple by him, his heirs, and assigns,
forever.

“I bequeath to my said only child and much-beloved son, John
Goldencalf, all my personal property of every sort and description
whatever of which I may die possessed, including bonds and mortgages,
public debt, bank stock, notes of hand, goods and chattels, and all
others of my effects, to him, his heirs, or assigns.

“I nominate and appoint my said much-beloved son, John Goldencalf, to
be the sole executor of this my last will and testament, counselling
him not to confide in any of those who may profess to have been my
friends; and particularly to turn a deaf ear to all the pretensions and
solicitations of Sir Joseph Job, Knight. In witness whereof,” etc.,
etc.

This will was duly executed, and it was witnessed by the nurse, his
confidential clerk, and the housemaid.

“Property is in danger, Sir Joseph!” I dryly remarked, as I gathered
together the papers in order to secure them.

“This will may be set aside, gentlemen!” cried the knight in a fury.
“It contains a libel!”

“And for whose benefit, Sir Joseph?” I quietly inquired. “With or
without the will my title to my father’s assets would seem to be
equally valid.”

This was so evidently true that the more prudent retired in silence;
and even Sir Joseph after a short delay, during which he appeared to be
strangely agitated, withdrew. The next week his failure was announced,
in consequence of some extravagant risks on ’Change, and eventually I
received but three shillings and fourpence in the pound for my bond of
sixty-three thousand.

When the money was paid I could not help exclaiming mentally, “Property
is in danger!”

The following morning Sir Joseph Job balanced his account with the
world by cutting his throat.




CHAPTER V.
ABOUT THE SOCIAL-STAKE SYSTEM, THE DANGERS OF CONCENTRATION, AND OTHER
MORAL AND IMMORAL CURIOSITIES.


The affairs of my father were almost as easy of settlement as those of
a pauper. In twenty-four hours I was completely master of them, and
found myself if not the richest, certainly one of the richest subjects
of Europe. I say subjects, for sovereigns frequently have a way of
appropriating the effects of others that would render a pretension to
rivalry ridiculous. Debts there were none: and if there had been, ready
money was not wanting; the balance in cash in my favor at the bank
amounted in itself to a fortune.

The reader may now suppose that I was perfectly happy. Without a
solitary claim on either my time or my estate, I was in the enjoyment
of an income that materially exceeded the revenues of many reigning
princes. I had not an ex-pensive nor a vicious habit of any sort. Of
houses, horses, hounds, packs, and menials, there were none to vex or
perplex me. In every particular save one I was completely my own
master. That one was the near, dear, cherished sentiment that rendered
Anna in my eyes an angel (and truly she was little short of it in those
of other people), and made her the polar star to which every wish
pointed. How gladly would I have paid half a million just then to be
the grandson of a baronet with precedency from the seventeenth century!

There was, however, another and a present cause for un-easiness that
gave me even more concern than the fact that my family reached the dark
ages with so much embarrassing facility. In witnessing the dying agony
of my ancestor I had got a dread lesson on the vanity, the hopeless
character, the dangers, and the delusions of wealth that time can never
eradicate. The history of its accumulation was ever present to mar the
pleasure of its possession. I do not mean that I suspected what by the
world’s convention is deemed dishonesty—of that there had been no
necessity—but simply that the heartless and estranged existence, the
waste of energies, the blunted charities, and the isolated and
distrustful habits of my father appeared to me to be but poorly
requited by the joyless ownership of its millions. I would have given
largely to be directed in such a way as while escaping the wastefulness
of the shoals of Scylla I might in my own case steer clear of the
miserly rocks of Charybdis.

When I drove from between the smoky lines of the London houses into the
green fields and amid the blossoming hedges, this earth looked
beautiful and as if it were made to be loved. I saw in it the
workmanship of a divine and beneficent Creator, and it was not
difficult to persuade myself that he who dwelt in the confusion of a
town in order to transfer gold from the pocket of his neighbor to his
own had mistaken the objects of his being. My poor ancestor who had
never quitted London stood before me with his dying regrets; and my
first resolution was to live in open communion with my kind. So
intense, indeed, did my anxiety to execute this purpose become that it
might have led even to frenzy had not a fortunate circumstance
interposed to save me from so dire a calamity.

The coach in which I had taken passage (for I purposely avoided the
parade and trouble of post-chaise and servants), passed through a
market town of known loyalty on the eve of a contested election. This
appeal to the intelligence and patriotism of the constituency had
occurred in consequence of the late incumbent having taken office. The
new minister, for he was a member of the cabinet, had just ended his
canvass, and he was about to address his fellow-subjects from a window
of the tavern in which he lodged. Fatigued, but ready to seek mental
relief by any means, I threw myself from the coach, secured a room, and
made one of the multitude.

The favorite candidate occupied a large balcony surrounded by his
principal friends, among whom it was delightful to see earls, lords
John, baronets, dignitaries of the church, tradesmen of influence in
the borough, and even a mechanic or two, all squeezed together in the
agreeable amalgamation of political affinity. Here then, thought I, is
an example of the heavenly charities I The candidate himself, the son
and heir of a peer, feels that he is truly of the same flesh and blood
as his constituents; how amiably he smiles!—how bland are his
manners!—and with what cordiality does he shake hands with the
greasiest and the worst! There must be a corrective to human pride, a
stimulus to the charities, a never-ending lesson of benevolence in this
part of our excellent system, and I will look farther into it. The
candidate appeared and his harangue commenced.

Memory would fail me were I to attempt recording the precise language
of the orator, but his opinions and precepts are so deeply graven on my
recollection that I do not fear misrepresenting them. He commenced with
a very proper and eloquent eulogium on the constitution, which he
fearlessly pronounced to be in its way the very perfection of human
reason; in proof of which he adduced the well-ascertained fact that it
had always been known throughout the vicissitudes and trials of so many
centuries to accommodate itself to circumstances, abhorring change.
“Yes, my friends,” he exclaimed, in a burst of patriotic and
constitutional fervor, “whether under the roses or the lilies—the
Tudors, the Stuarts, or the illustrious house of Brunswick, this
glorious structure has resisted the storms of faction, has been able to
receive under its sheltering roof the most opposite elements of
domestic strife, affording protection, warmth, aye, and food and
raiment”—(here the orator happily laid his hand on the shoulder of a
butcher, who wore a frieze overcoat that made him look not unlike a
stall-fed beast)—“yes, food and raiment, victuals and drink, to the
meanest subject in the realm. Nor is this all; it is a constitution
peculiarly English: and who is there so base, so vile, so untrue to
himself, to his fathers, to his descendants, as to turn his back on a
constitution that is thoroughly and inherently English, a constitution
that he has inherited from his ancestors, and which by every obligation
both human and divine he is bound to transmit unchanged to
posterity”;—here the orator, who continued to speak, however, was
deafened by shouts of applause, and that part of the subject might very
fairly be considered as definitively settled.

From the constitution as a whole the candidate next proceeded to extol
the particular feature of it that was known as the borough of
Householder. According to his account of this portion of the
government, its dwellers were animated by the noblest spirit of
independence, the most rooted determination to uphold the ministry of
which he was the least worthy member, and were distinguished by what in
an ecstasy of political eloquence he happily termed the most freeborn
understanding of its rights and privileges. This loyal and judicious
borough had never been known to waste its favors on those who had not a
stake in the community. It understood that fundamental principle of
good government which lays down the axiom that none were to be trusted
but those who had a visible and an extended interest in the country;
for without these pledges of honesty and independence what had the
elector to expect but bribery and corruption—a traffic in his dearest
rights, and a bargaining that might destroy the glorious institutions
under which he dwelt. This part of the harangue was listened to in
respectful silence, and shortly after the orator concluded; when the
electors dispersed, with, no doubt, a better opinion of themselves and
the constitution than it had probably been their good fortune to
entertain since the previous election.

Accident placed me at dinner (the house being crowded) at the same
table with an attorney who had been very active the whole morning among
the Householders, and who I soon learned, from himself, was the
especial agent of the owner of the independent borough in question. He
told me that he had came down with the expectation of disposing of the
whole property to Lord Pledge, the ministerial candidate named; but the
means had not been forthcoming as he had been led to hope, and the
bargain was unluckily broken off at the very moment when it was of the
utmost importance to know to whom the independent electors rightfully
belonged.

“His lordship, however,” continued the attorney, winking, “has done
what is handsome; and there can be no more doubt of his election than
there would be of yours did you happen to own the borough.”

“And is the property now open for sale?” I asked.

“Certainly-my principal can hold out no longer. The price is settled,
and I have his power of attorney to make the preliminary bargain. ’Tis
a thousand pities that the public mind should be left in this undecided
state on the eve of an election.”

“Then, sir, I will be the purchaser.”

My companion looked at me with astonishment and doubt. He had
transacted too much business of this nature, however, not to feel his
way before he was either off or on.

“The price of the estate is three hundred and twenty-five thousand
pounds, sir, and the rental is only six!”

“Be it so. My name is Goldencalf: by accompanying me to town you shall
receive the money.”

“Goldencalf! What, sir, the only son and heir of the late Thomas
Goldencalf of Cheapside?”

“The same. My father has not been dead a month.”

“Pardon me, sir—convince me of your identity—we must be particular in
matters of this sort—and you shall have possession of the property in
season to secure your own election or that of any of your friends. I
will return Lord Pledge his small advances, and another time he will
know better than to fail of keeping his promises. What is a borough
good for if a nobleman’s word is not sacred? You will find the
electors, in particular, every way worthy of your favor. They are as
frank, loyal, and straightforward a constituency as any in England. No
skulking behind the ballot for them!—and in all respects they are
fearless Englishmen who will do what they say, and say whatever their
landlord shall please to require of them.”

As I had sundry letters and other documents about me, nothing was
easier than to convince the attorney of my identity. He called for pen
and ink; drew out of his pocket the contract that had been prepared for
Lord Pledge; gave it to me to read; filled the blanks; and affixing his
name, called the waiters as witnesses, and presented me the paper with
a promptitude and respect that I found really delightful. So much,
thought I, for having given pledges to society by the purchase of a
borough. I drew on my bankers for three hundred and twenty-five
thousand pounds, and arose from table virtually the owner of the estate
of Householder and of the political consciences of its tenantry.

A fact so important could not long be unknown; and in a few minutes all
eyes in the coffee-room were upon me. The landlord presented himself
and begged I would do him the honor to take possession of his family
parlor, there being no other at his disposal. I was hardly installed
before a servant in a handsome livery presented the following note.

“DEAR MR. GOLDENCALF:

“I have this moment heard of your being in town, and am exceedingly
rejoiced to learn it. A long intimacy with your late excellent and most
loyal father justifies my claiming you for a friend, and I waive all
ceremony (official, of course, is meant, there being no reason for any
other between us), and beg to be admitted for half an hour.

“Dear Mr. Goldencalf,”

“Yours very faithfully and sincerely,”

“PLEDGE.”

“—GOLDENCALF, Esquire.”

“Monday evening.”

I begged that the noble visitor might not be made to wait a moment.
Lord Pledge met me like an old and intimate friend. He made a hundred
handsome inquiries after my dead ancestor; spoke feelingly of his
regret at not having been summoned to attend his death-bed; and then
very ingenuously and warmly congratulated me on my succession to so
large a property.

“I hear, too, you have bought this borough, my dear sir. I could not
make it convenient just at this particular moment to conclude my own
arrangement—but it is a good thing. Three hundred and twenty thousand,
I suppose, as was mentioned between me and the other party?”

“Three hundred and twenty-five thousand, Lord Pledge.”

I perceived by the countenance of the noble candidate that I had paid
the odd five thousand as a fine—a circumstance which accounted for the
promptitude of the attorney in the transaction, he most probably
pocketing the difference himself.

“You mean to sit, of course?”

“I do, my lord, as one of the members, at the next general election;
but at present I shall be most happy to aid your return.”

“My dear Mr. Goldencalf—”

“Really, without presuming to compliment, Lord Pledge, the noble
sentiments I heard you express this morning were so very proper, so
exceedingly statesmanlike, so truly English, that I shall feel
infinitely more satisfaction in knowing that you fill the vacant seat
than if it were in my own possession.”

“I honor your public spirit, Mr. Goldencalf, and only wish to God there
was more of it in the world. But you can count on our friendship, sir.
What you have just remarked is true, very true, only too true, true to
a hair-a-a-a—I mean, my dear Mr. Goldencalf, most especially those
sentiments of mine which-a-a-a-I say it, before God, without vanity—but
which, as you have so very ably intimated, are so truly proper and
English.”

“I sincerely think so, Lord Pledge, or I should not have said it. I am
peculiarly situated myself. With an immense fortune, without rank,
name, or connections, nothing is easier than for one of my years to be
led astray; and it is my ardent desire to hit upon some expedient that
may connect me properly with society.”

“Marry, my dear young friend—select a wife from among the fair and
virtuous of this happy isle—unluckily I can propose nothing in this way
myself—for both my own sisters are disposed of.”

“I have made choice, already, I thank you a thousand times, my dear
Lord Pledge; although I scarcely dare execute my own wishes. There are
objections—if I were only the child, now, of a baronet’s second son,
or—”

“Become a baronet yourself,” once more interrupted my noble friend,
with an evident relief from suspense; for I verily believe he thought I
was about to ask for something better. “Your affair shall be arranged
by the end of the week—and if there is anything else I can do for you,
I beg you to name it without reserve.”

“If I could hear a few more of those remarkable sentiments of yours,
concerning the stake we should all have in society, I think it would
relieve my mind.”

My companion looked at me a moment with a very awkward sort of an
intensity, drew his hand across his brows, reflected, and then
obligingly complied.

“You attach too much importance, Mr. Goldencalf, to a few certainly
very just but very ill-arranged ideas. That a man without a proper
stake in society is little better than the beasts of the fields, I hold
to be so obvious that it is unnecessary to dwell on the point. Reason
as you will, forward or backward, you arrive at the same result—he that
hath nothing is usually treated by mankind little better than a dog,
and he that is little better than a dog usually has nothing. Again.
What distinguishes the savage from the civilized man? Why, civilization
to be sure. Now, what is civilization? The arts of life. What feeds,
nourishes, sustains the arts of life? Money or property. By
consequence, civilization is property, and property is civilization. If
the control of a country is in the hands of those who possess the
property, the government is a civilized government; but, on the other
hand, if it is in the hands of those who have no property, the
government is necessarily an uncivilized government. It is quite
impossible that any one should become a safe statesman who does not
possess a direct property interest in society. You know there is not a
tyro of our political sect who does not fully admit the truth of this
axiom.”

“Mr. Pitt?”

“Why, Pitt was certainly an exception in one way; but then, you will
recollect, he was the immediate representative of the tories, who own
most of the property of England.”

“Mr. Fox?”

“Fox represented the whigs, who own all the rest, you know. No, my dear
Goldencalf, reason as you will, we shall always arrive at the same
results. You will, of course, as you have just said, take one of the
seats yourself at the next general election?”

“I shall be too proud of being your colleague to hesitate.”

This speech sealed our friendship; for it was a pledge to my noble
acquaintance of his future connection with the borough. He was much too
high-bred to express his thanks in vulgar phrases (though high-breeding
rarely exhibits all its finer qualities pending an election), but—a man
of the world, and one of a class whose main business it is to put the
suaviter in modo, as the French have it en evidence,—the reader may be
sure that when we parted that night I was in perfect good humor with
myself and, as a matter of course, with my new acquaintance.

The next day the canvass was renewed, and we had another convincing
speech on the subject of the virtue of “a stake in society”; for Lord
Pledge was tactician enough to attack the citadel, once assured of its
weak point, rather than expend his efforts on the outworks of the
place. That night the attorney arrived from town with the title-deeds
all properly executed (they had been some time in preparation for Lord
Pledge), and the following morning early the tenants were served with
the usual notices, with a handsomely expressed sentiment on my part in
favor of “a stake in society.” About noon Lord Pledge walked over the
course, as it is expressed at Newmarket and Doncaster. After dinner we
separated, my noble friend returning to town, while I pursued my way to
the rectory.

Anna never appeared more fresh, more serene, more elevated above
mortality, than when we met, a week after I had quitted Householder, in
the breakfast-parlor of her father’s abode.

“You are beginning to look like yourself again, Jack,” she said,
extending her hand with the simple cordiality of an Englishwoman; “and
I hope we shall find you more rational.”

“Ah, Anna, if I could only presume to throw myself at your feet, and
tell you how much and what I feel, I should be the happiest fellow in
all England.”

“As it is you are the most miserable!” the laughing girl answered as,
crimsoned to the temples, she drew away the hand I was foolishly
pressing against my heart. “Let us go to breakfast, Mr. Goldencalf—my
father has ridden across the country to visit Dr. Liturgy.”

“Anna,” I said, after seating myself and taking a cup of tea from
fingers that were rosy as the morn, “I fear you are the greatest enemy
that I have on earth.”

“John Goldencalf!” exclaimed the startled girl, turning pale and then
flushing violently. “Pray explain yourself.”

“I love you to my heart’s core—could marry you, and then, I fear,
worship you, as man never before worshipped woman.”

Anna laughed faintly.

“And you feel in danger of the sin of idolatry?” she at length
succeeded in saying.

“No, I am in danger of narrowing my sympathies—of losing a broad and
safe hold of life—of losing my proper stake in society—of—in short, of
becoming as useless to my fellows as my poor, poor father, and of
making an end as miserable. Oh! Anna, could you have witnessed the
hopelessness of that death-bed, you could never wish me a fate like
his!”

My pen is unequal to convey an adequate idea of the expression with
which Anna regarded me. Wonder, doubt, apprehension, affection, and
anguish were all beaming in her eyes; but the unnatural brightness of
these conflicting sentiments was tempered by a softness that resembled
the pearly lustre of an Italian sky.

“If I yield to my fondness, Anna, in what will my condition differ from
that of my miserable father’s? He concentrated his feelings in the love
of money, and I—yes, I feel it here, I know it is here—I should love
you so intensely as to shut out every generous sentiment in favor of
others. I have a fearful responsibility on my shoulders—wealth, gold;
gold beyond limits; and to save my very soul I must extend not narrow
my interest in my fellow-creatures. Were there a hundred such Annas I
might press you all to my heart—but, one!—no—no—’twould be
misery—’twould be perdition! The very excess of such a passion would
render me a heartless miser, unworthy of the confidence of my
fellow-men!”

The radiant and yet serene eyes of Anna seemed to read my soul; and
when I had done speaking she arose, stole timidly to my side of the
table, as woman approaches when she feels most, placed her velvet-like
hand on my burning forehead, pressed its throbbing pulses gently to her
heart, burst into tears, and fled.

We dined alone, nor did we meet again until the dinner hour. The manner
of Anna was soothing, gentle, even affectionate; but she carefully
avoided the subject of the morning. As for myself, I was constantly
brooding over the danger of concentrating interests, and of the
excellence of the social-stake system. “Your spirits will be better,
Jack, in a day or two,” said Anna, when we had taken wine after the
soup. “Country air and old friends will restore your freshness and
color.”

“If there were a thousand Annas I could be happy as man was never happy
before! But I must not, dare not, lessen my hold on society.”

“All of which proves my insufficiency to render you happy. But here
comes Francis with yesterday morning’s paper—let us see what society is
about in London.”

After a few moments of intense occupation with the journal, an
exclamation of pleasure and surprise escaped the sweet girl. On raising
my eyes I saw her gazing (as I fancied) fondly at myself.

“Read what you have that seems to give you so much pleasure.”

She complied, reading with an eager and tremulous voice the following
paragraph:

“His majesty has been most graciously pleased to raise John Goldencalf
of Householder Hall, in the county of Dorset, and of Cheapside,
Esquire, to the dignity of a baronet of the united kingdoms of Great
Britain and Ireland.”

“Sir John Goldencalf, I have the honor to drink to your health and
happiness!” cried the delighted girl, brightening like the dawn, and
wetting her pouting lip with liquor less ruby than itself. “Here,
Francis, fill a bumper and drink to the new baronet.”

The gray-headed butler did as ordered with a very good grace, and then
hurried into the servants’ hall to communicate the news.

“Here at least, Jack, is a new hold that society has on you, whatever
hold you may have on society.”

I was pleased because she was pleased, and because it showed that Lord
Pledge had some sense of gratitude (although he afterward took occasion
to intimate that I owed the favor chiefly to HOPE), and I believe my
eyes never expressed more fondness.

“Lady Goldencalf would not have an awkward sound after all, dearest
Anna.”

“As applied to one, Sir John, it might possibly do; but not as applied
to a hundred.” Anna laughed, blushed, burst into tears once more, and
again fled.

What right have I to trifle with the feelings of this single-hearted
and excellent girl, said I to myself; it is evident that the subject
distresses her—she is unequal to its discussion, and it is unmanly and
improper in me to treat it in this manner. I must be true to my
character as a gentleman and a man—aye, and, under present
circumstances, as a baronet; and—I will never speak of it again as long
as I live.

The following day I took leave of Dr. Etherington and his daughter,
with the avowed intention of travelling for a year or two. The good
rector gave me much friendly advice, flattered me with expressions of
confidence in my discretion, and, squeezing me warmly by the hand,
begged me to recollect that I had always a home at the rectory. When I
had made my adieus to the father, I went, with a sorrowful heart, in
quest of the daughter. She was still in the little
breakfast-parlor—that parlor so loved! I found her pale, timid,
sensitive, bland, but serene. Little could ever disturb that heavenly
quality in the dear girl; if she laughed, it was with a restrained and
moderated joy; if she wept, it was like rain falling from a sky that
still shone with the lustre of the sun. It was only when feeling and
nature were unutterably big within her, that some irresistible impulse
of her sex betrayed her into emotions like those I had twice witnessed
so lately.

“You are about to leave us, Jack,” she said, holding out her hand
kindly and without the affectation of an indifference she did not feel;
“you will see many strange faces, but you will see none who—”

I waited for the completion of the sentence, but, although she
struggled hard for self-possession, it was never finished.

“At my age, Anna, and with my means, it would be unbecoming to remain
at home, when, if I may so express it, ‘human nature is abroad.’ I go
to quicken my sympathies, to open my heart to my kind, and to avoid the
cruel regrets that tortured the death-bed of my father.”

“Well—well,” interrupted the sobbing girl, “we will talk of it no more.
It is best that you should travel; and so adieu, with a thousand—nay,
millions of good wishes for your happiness and safe return. You will
come back to us, Jack, when tired of other scenes.”

This was said with gentle earnestness and a sincerity so winning that
it came near upsetting all my philosophy; but I could not marry the
whole sex, and to bind down my affections in one would have been giving
the death-blow to the development of that sublime principle on which I
was bent, and which I had already decided was to make me worthy of my
fortune and the ornament of my species. Had I been offered a kingdom,
however, I could not speak. I took the unresisting girl in my arms,
folded her to my heart, pressed a burning kiss on her cheek, and
withdrew.

“You will come back to us, Jack?” she half whispered, as her hand was
reluctantly drawn through my own.

Oh! Anna, it was indeed painful to abandon thy frank and gentle
confidence, thy radiant beauty, thy serene affections, and all thy
womanly virtues, in order to practise my newly-discovered theory! Long
did thy presence haunt me—nay, never did it entirely desert me—putting
my constancy to a severe proof, and threatening at each remove to
contract the lengthening chain that still bound me to thee, thy
fireside, and thy altars! But I triumphed, and went abroad upon the
earth with a heart expanding towards all the creatures of God, though
thy image was still enshrined in its inmost core, shining in womanly
glory, pure, radiant, and without spot, like the floating prism that
forms the lustre of the diamond.




CHAPTER VI.
A THEORY OF PALPABLE SUBLIMITY—SOME PRACTICAL IDEAS, AND THE
COMMENCEMENT OF ADVENTURES.


The recollection of the intense feelings of that important period of my
life has, in some measure, disturbed the connection of the narrative,
and may possibly have left some little obscurity in the mind of the
reader on the subject of the new sources of happiness that had broken
on my own intelligence. A word here in the way of elucidation,
therefore, may not be misapplied, although it is my purpose to refer
more to my acts, and to the wonderful incidents it will shortly be my
duty to lay before the world, for a just understanding of my views,
than to mere verbal explanations.

Happiness—happiness, here and hereafter, was my goal. I aimed at a life
of useful and active benevolence, a deathbed of hope and joy, and an
eternity of fruition. With such an object before me, my thoughts, from
the moment that I witnessed the dying regrets of my father, had been
intensely brooding over the means of attainment. Surprising as, no
doubt, it will appear to vulgar minds, I obtained the clew to this
sublime mystery at the late election for the borough of Householder,
and from the lips of my Lord Pledge. Like other important discoveries,
it is very simple when understood, being easily rendered intelligible
to the dullest capacities, as, indeed, in equity, ought to be the case
with every principle that is so intimately connected with the
well-being of man.

It is a universally admitted truth that happiness is the only
legitimate object of all human associations. The ruled concede a
certain portion of their natural rights for the benefits of peace,
security, and order, with the understanding that they are to enjoy the
remainder as their own proper indefeasible estate. It is true that
there exist in different nations some material differences of opinion
on the subject of the quantities to be bestowed and retained; but these
aberrations from a just medium are no more than so many caprices of the
human judgment, and in no manner do they affect the principle. I found
also that all the wisest and best of the species, or what is much the
same thing, the most responsible, uniformly maintain that he who has
the largest stake in society is, in the nature of things, the most
qualified to administer its affairs. By a stake in society is meant,
agreeable to universal convention, a multiplication of those interests
which occupy us in our daily concerns—or what is vulgarly called
property. This principle works by exciting us to do right through those
heavy investments of our own which would inevitably suffer were we to
do wrong. The proposition is now clear, nor can the premises readily be
mistaken. Happiness is the aim of society; and property, or a vested
interest in that society, is the best pledge of our disinterestedness
and justice, and the best qualification for its proper control. It
follows as a legitimate corollary that a multiplication of those
interests will increase the stake, and render us more and more worthy
of the trust by elevating us as near as may be to the pure and ethereal
condition of the angels. One of those happy accidents which sometimes
make men emperors and kings, had made me, perhaps, the richest subject
of Europe. With this polar star of theory shining before my eyes, and
with practical means so ample, it would have been clearly my own fault
had I not steered my bark into the right haven. If he who had the
heaviest investments was the most likely to love his fellows, there
could be no great difficulty for one in my situation to take the lead
in philanthropy. It is true that with superficial observers the
instance of my own immediate ancestor might be supposed to form an
exception, or rather an objection, to the theory. So far from this
being the case, however, it proves the very reverse. My father in a
great measure had concentrated all his investments in the national
debt! Now, beyond all cavil, he loved the funds intensely; grew violent
when they were assailed; cried out for bayonets when the mass declaimed
against taxation; eulogized the gallows when there were menaces of
revolt, and in a hundred other ways prove that “where the treasure is,
there will the heart be also.” The instance of my father, therefore,
like all exceptions, only went to prove the excellence of the rule. He
had merely fallen into the error of contraction, when the only safe
course was that of expansion. I resolved to expand; to do that which
probably no political economist had ever yet thought of doing—in short,
to carry out the principle of the social stake in such a way as should
cause me to love all things, and consequently to become worthy of being
intrusted with the care of all things.

On reaching town my earliest visit was one of thanks to my Lord Pledge.
At first I had felt some doubts whether the baronetcy would or would
not aid the system of philanthropy; for by raising me above a large
portion of my kind, it was in so much at least a removal from
philanthropical sympathies; but by the time the patent was received and
the fees were paid, I found that it might fairly be considered a
pecuniary investment, and that it was consequently brought within the
rule I had prescribed for my own government.

The next thing was to employ suitable agents to aid in making the
purchases that were necessary to attach me to mankind. A month was
diligently occupied in this way. As ready money was not wanting, and I
was not very particular on the subject of prices, at the end of that
time I began to have certain incipient sentiments which went to prove
the triumphant success of the experiment. In other words I owned much,
and was beginning to take a lively interest in all I owned.

I made purchases of estates in England, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales.
This division of real property was meant to equalize my sentiments
justly between the different portions of my native country. Not
satisfied with this, however, I extended the system to the colonies. I
had East India shares, a running ship, Canada land, a plantation in
Jamaica, sheep at the Cape and at New South Wales, an indigo concern at
Bengal, an establishment for the collection of antiques in the Ionian
Isles, and a connection with a shipping house for the general supply of
our various dependencies with beer, bacon, cheese, broadcloths, and
ironmongery. From the British empire my interests were soon extended
into other countries. On the Garonne and Xeres I bought vineyards. In
Germany I took some shares in different salt and coal mines; the same
in South America in the precious metals; in Russia I dipped deeply into
tallow; in Switzerland I set up an extensive manufactory of watches,
and bought all the horses for a voiturier on a large scale. I had
silkworms in Lombardy, olives and hats in Tuscany, a bath in Lucca, and
a maccaroni establishment at Naples. To Sicily I sent funds for the
purchase of wheat, and at Rome I kept a connoisseur to conduct a
general agency in the supply of British articles, such as mustard,
porter, pickles, and corned beef, as well as for the forwarding of
pictures and statues to the lovers of the arts and of VIRTU.

By the time all this was effected I found my hands full of business.
Method, suitable agents, and a resolution to succeed smoothed the way,
however, and I began to look about me and to take breath. By way of
relaxation I now descended into details; and for a few days I
frequented the meetings of those who are called “the Saints,” in order
to see if something might be done towards the attainment of my object
through their instrumentality. I cannot say that this experiment met
with all the success I had anticipated. I heard a great deal of subtle
discussion, found that manner was of more account than matter, and had
unreasonable and ceaseless appeals to my pocket. So near a view of
charity had a tendency to expose its blemishes, as the brilliancy of
the sun is known to exhibit defects on the face of beauty, which escape
the eye when seen through the medium of that artificial light for which
they are best adapted; and I soon contented myself with sending my
contributions at proper intervals, keeping aloof in person. This
experiment gave me occasion to perceive that human virtues, like little
candles, shine best in the dark, and that their radiance is chiefly
owing to the atmosphere of a “naughty world.” From speculating I
returned to facts.

The question of slavery had agitated the benevolent for some years, and
finding a singular apathy in ray own bosom on this important subject, I
bought five hundred of each sex to stimulate my sympathies. This led me
nearer to the United States of America, a country that I had endeavored
to blot out of my recollection; for while thus encouraging a love for
the species, I had scarcely thought it necessary to go so far from
home. As no rule exists without an exception, I confess I was a good
deal disposed to believe that a Yankee might very fairly be an omission
in an Englishman’s philanthropy. But “in for a penny in for a pound.”
The negroes led me to the banks of the Mississippi, where I was soon
the owner of both a sugar and a cotton plantation. In addition to these
purchases I took shares in divers South-Seamen, owned a coral and pearl
fishery of my own, and sent an agent with a proposition to King
Tamamamaah to create a monopoly of sandalwood in our joint behalf.

The earth and all it contained assumed new glories in my eyes. I had
fulfilled the essential condition of the political economists, the
jurists, the constitution-mongers, and all the “talents and decency,”
and had stakes in half the societies of the world. I was fit to govern,
I was fit to advise, to dictate to most of the people of Christendom;
for I had taken a direct interest in their welfares by making them my
own. Twenty times was I about to jump into a post-chaise, and to gallop
down to the rectory in order to lay my newborn alliance with the
species, and all its attendant felicity, at the feet of Anna, but the
terrible thought of monogamy, and of its sympathy-withering
consequences, as often stayed my course. I wrote to her weekly,
however, making her the participator of a portion of my happiness,
though I never had the satisfaction of receiving a single line in
reply.

Fairly emancipated from selfishness, and pledged to the species, I now
quitted England on a tour of philanthropical inspection. I shall not
weary the reader with an account of my journeys over the beaten tracks
of the continent, but transport him and myself at once to Paris, in
which city I arrived on the 17th of May, Anno Domini 1819. I had seen
much, fancied myself improved, and, by constant dwelling on my system,
saw its excellences as plainly as Napoleon saw the celebrated star
which defied the duller vision of his uncle the cardinal. At the same
time, as usually happens with those who direct all their energies to a
given point, the opinions originally formed of certain portions of my
theory began to undergo mutations, as nearer and more practical views
pointed out inconsistencies and exposed defects. As regards Anna in
particular, the quiet, gentle, unobtrusive, and yet distinct picture of
womanly loveliness that was rarely absent from my mind, had for the
past twelvemonth haunted me with a constancy of argument that might
have unsettled the Newtonian scheme of philosophy itself. I already
more than questioned whether the benefit to be derived from the support
of one so affectionate and true would not fully counterbalance the
disadvantage of a concentration of interest, so far as the sex was
concerned. This growing opinion was fast getting to be conviction, when
I encountered on the boulevards one day an old country neighbor of the
rector’s, who gave me the best account of the family, adding, after
descanting on the beauty and excellence of Anna herself, that the dear
girl had quite lately actually refused a peer of the realm, who enjoyed
all the acknowledged advantages of youth, riches, birth, rank, and a
good name, and who had selected her from a deep conviction of her
worth, and of her ability to make any sensible man happy. As to my own
power over the heart of Anna I never entertained a doubt. She had
betrayed it in a thousand ways and on a hundred occasions; nor had I
been at all backward in letting her understand how highly I valued her
dear self, although I had never yet screwed up my resolution so high as
distinctly to propose for her hand. But all my unsettled purposes
became concentrated on hearing this welcome intelligence; and, taking
an abrupt leave of my old acquaintance, I hurried home and wrote the
following letter:

Dear—very dear, nay—dearest ANNA:

“I met your old neighbor—this morning on the boulevards, and during an
interview of an hour we did little else but talk of thee. Although it
has been my most ardent and most predominant wish to open my heart to
the whole species, yet, Anna, I fear I have loved thee alone! Absence,
so far from expanding, appears to contract my affections, too many of
which centre in thy sweet form and excellent virtues. The remedy I
proposed is insufficient, and I begin to think that matrimony alone can
leave me master of sufficient freedom of thought and action to turn the
attention I ought to the rest of the human race. Thou hast been with me
in idea in the four corners of the earth, by sea and by land, in
dangers and in safety, in all seasons, regions, and situations, and
there is no sufficient reason why those who are ever present in the
spirit should be materially separated. Thou hast only to say a word, to
whisper a hope, to breathe a wish, and I will throw myself a repentant
truant at thy feet and implore thy pity. When united, however, we will
not lose ourselves in the sordid and narrow paths of selfishness, but
come forth again in company to acquire a new and still more powerful
hold on this beautiful creation, of which, by this act, I acknowledge
thee to be the most divine portion.

“Dearest, dearest Anna, thine and the species’,

“Forever,

“JOHN GOLDENCALF. “TO MISS ETHERINGTON.”

If there was ever a happy fellow on earth it was myself when this
letter was written, sealed, and fairly despatched. The die was cast,
and I walked into the air a regenerated and an elastic being! Let what
might happen, I was sure of Anna. Her gentleness would calm my
irritability; her prudence temper my energies; her bland but enduring
affections soothe my soul. I felt at peace with all around me, myself
included, and I found a sweet assurance of the wisdom of the step I had
just taken in the expanding sentiment. If such were my sensations now
that every thought centred in Anna, what would they not become when
these personal transports were cooled by habit, and nature was left to
the action of the ordinary impulses! I began to doubt of the
infallibility of that part of my system which had given me so much
pain, and to incline to the new doctrine that by concentration on
particular parts we come most to love the whole. On examination there
was reason to question whether it was not on this principle even that,
as an especial landholder, I attained so great an interest in my native
island; for while I certainly did not own the whole of Great Britain, I
felt that I had a profound respect for everything in it that was in
any, even the most remote manner, connected with my own particular
possessions.

A week flew by in delightful anticipations. The happiness of this short
but heavenly period became so exciting, so exquisite, that I was on the
point of giving birth to an improvement on my theory (or rather on the
theory of the political economists and constitution-mongers, for it is
in fact theirs and not mine), when the answer of Anna was received. If
anticipation be a state of so much happiness—happiness being the great
pursuit of man—why not invent a purely probationary condition of
society?—why not change its elementary features from positive to
anticipating interests, which would give more zest to life, and bestow
felicity unimpaired by the dross of realities? I had determined to
carry out this principle in practice by an experiment, and left the
hotel to order an agent to advertise, and to enter into a treaty or
two, for some new investments (without the smallest intention of
bringing them to a conclusion), when the porter delivered me the
ardently expected letter. I never knew what would be the effect of
taking a stake in society by anticipation, therefore; the contents of
Anna’s missive driving every subject that was not immediately connected
with the dear writer, and with sad realities, completely out of my
head. It is not improbable, however, that the new theory would have
proved to be faulty, for I have often had occasion to remark that heirs
(in remainder, for instance), manifest an hostility to the estate, by
carrying out the principle of anticipation, rather than any of that
prudent respect for social consequences to which the legislator looks
with so much anxiety.

The letter of Anna was in the following words:

“Good—nay, Dear JOHN:

“Thy letter was put into my hands yesterday. This is the fifth answer I
have commenced, and you will therefore see that I do not write without
reflection. I know thy excellent heart, John, better than it is known
to thyself. It has either led thee to the discovery of a secret of the
last importance to thy fellow-creatures, or it has led thee cruelly
astray. An experiment so noble and so praiseworthy ought not to be
abandoned on account of a few momentary misgivings concerning the
result. Do not stay thy eagle flight at the instant thou art soaring so
near the sun! Should we both judge it for our mutual happiness, I can
become thy wife at a future day. We are still young, and there is no
urgency for an immediate union. In the mean time, I will endeavor to
prepare myself to be the companion of a philanthropist by practising on
thy theory, and, by expanding my own affections, render myself worthy
to be the wife of one who has so large a stake in society, and who
loves so many and so truly.

“Thine imitator and friend,

“Without change,

“ANNA ETHERINGTON.

“To Sir JOHN GOLDENCALF, Bart.

“P.S.—You may perceive that I am in a state of improvement, for I have
just refused the hand of Lord M’Dee, because I found I loved all his
neighbors quite as well as I loved the young peer himself.”

Ten thousand furies took possession of my soul, in the shape of so many
demons of jealousy. Anna expanding her affections! Anna taking any
other stake in society than that I made sure she would accept through
me! Anna teaching herself to love more than one, and that one myself!
The thought was madness. I did not believe in the sincerity of her
refusal of Lord M’Dee. I ran for a copy of the Peerage (for since my
own elevation in life I regularly bought both that work and the
Baronetage), and turned to the page that contained his name. He was a
Scottish viscount who had just been created a baron of the united
kingdom, and his age was precisely that of my own. Here was a rival to
excite distrust. By a singular contradiction in sentiments, the more I
dreaded his power to injure me, the more I undervalued his means. While
I fancied Anna was merely playing with me, and had in secret made up
her mind to be a peeress, I had no doubt that the subject of her choice
was both ill-favored and awkward, and had cheek-bones like a Tartar.
While reading of the great antiquity of his family (which reached
obscurity in the thirteenth century), I set it down as established that
the first of his unknown predecessors was a bare-legged thief, and, at
the very moment that I imagined Anna was smiling on him, and retracting
her coquettish denial, I could have sworn that he spoke with an
unintelligible border accent, and that he had red hair!

The torment of such pictures grew to be intolerable, and I rushed into
the open air for relief. How long or whither I wandered I know not; but
on the morning of the following day I found I was seated in a
guinguette near the base of Montmartre, eagerly devouring a roll and
refreshing myself with sour wine. When a little recovered from the
shock of discovering myself in a situation so novel (for having no
investment in guinguettes, I had not taken sufficient interest in these
popular establishments ever to enter one before), I had leisure to look
about and survey the company. Some fifty Frenchmen of the laboring
classes were drinking on every side, and talking with a vehemence of
gesticulation and a clamor that completely annihilated thought. This
then, thought I, is a scene of popular happiness. These creatures are
excellent fellows, enjoying themselves on liquor that has not paid the
city duty, and perhaps I may seize upon some point that favors my
system among spirits so frank and clamorous. Doubtless if any one among
them is in possession of any important social secret it will not fail
to escape him here. From meditations of this philosophical character I
was suddenly aroused by a violent blow before me, accompanied with an
exclamation in very tolerable English of the word,

“King!”

On the centre of the board which did the office of a table, and
directly beneath my eyes, lay a clenched fist of fearful dimensions,
that in color and protuberances bore a good deal of resemblance to a
freshly unearthed Jerusalem artichoke. Its sinews seemed to be cracking
with tension, and the whole knob was so expressive of intense pugnacity
that my eyes involuntarily sought its owner’s face. I had unconsciously
taken my seat directly opposite a man whose stature was nearly double
that of the compact, bustling sputtering, and sturdy little fellows who
were bawling on every side of us, and whose skinny lips, instead of
joining in the noise, were so firmly compressed as to render the
crevice of the mouth no more strongly marked than a wrinkle in the brow
of a man of sixty. His complexion was naturally fair, but exposure had
tanned the skin of his face to the color of the crackle of a roasted
pig; those parts which a painter would be apt to term the “high lights”
being indicated by touches of red, nearly as bright as fourth-proof
brandy. His eyes were small, stern, fiery, and very gray; and just at
the instant they met my admiring look they resembled two stray coals
that by some means had got separated from the body of adjacent heat in
the face. He had a prominent, well-shaped nose, athwart which the skin
was stretched like leather in the process of being rubbed down on the
currier’s bench, and his ropy black hair was carefully smoothed over
his temples and brows, in a way to show that he was abroad on a holiday
excursion.

When our eyes met, this singular-looking being gave me a nod of
friendly recognition, for no better reason that I could discover than
the fact that I did not appear to be a Frenchman. “Did mortal man ever
listen to such fools, captain?” he observed, as if certain we must
think alike on the subject.

“Really I did not attend to what was said; there certainly is much
noise.”

“I don’t pretend to understand a word of what they are saying myself;
but it SOUNDS like thorough nonsense.”

“My ear is not yet sufficiently acute to distinguish sense from
nonsense by mere intonation and sound—but it would seem, sir, that you
speak English only.”

“Therein you are mistaken; for, being a great traveller, I have been
compelled to look about me, and as a nat’ral consequence I speak a
little of all languages. I do not say that I use the foreign parts of
speech always fundamentally, but then I worry through an idee so as to
make it legible and of use, especially in the way of eating and
drinking. As to French, now, I can say ‘don-nez-me some van,’ and
‘don-nez-vous some pan,’ as well as the best of them; but when there
are a dozen throats bawling at once, as is the case with these here
chaps, why one might as well go on the top of Ape’s Hill and hold a
conversation with the people he will meet with there, as to pretend to
hold a rational or a discussional discourse. For my part, where there
is to be a conversation, I like every one to have his turn, keeping up
the talk, as it might be, watch and watch; but among these Frenchmen it
is pretty much as if their idees had been caged, and the door being
suddenly opened, they fly out in a flock, just for the pleasure of
saying they are at liberty.”

I now perceived that my companion was a reflecting being, his
ratiocination being connected by regular links, and that he did not
boost his philosophy on the leaping-staff of impulse, like most of
those who were sputtering, and arguing, and wrangling, with untiring
lungs, in all corners of the guinguette. I frankly proposed, therefore,
that we should quit the place and walk into the road, where our
discourse would be less disturbed, and consequently more satisfactory.
The proposal was well received, and we left the brawlers, walking by
the outer boulevards towards my hotel in the Rue de Rivoli, by the way
of the Champs Elysees.




CHAPTER VII.
TOUCHING AN AMPHIBIOUS ANIMAL, A SPECIAL INTRODUCTION, AND ITS
CONSEQUENCES.


I soon took an interest in my new acquaintance. He was communicative,
shrewd, and peculiar; and though apt to express himself quaintly, it
was always with the pith of one who had seen a great deal of at least
one portion of his fellow-creatures. The conversation, under such
circumstances, did not flag; on the contrary, it soon grew more
interesting by the stranger’s beginning to touch on his private
interests. He told me that he was a mariner who had been cast ashore by
one of the accidents of his calling, and, by way of cutting in a word
in his own favor, he gave me to understand that he had seen a great
deal, more especially of that castle of his fellow-creatures who like
himself live by frequenting the mighty deep.

“I am very happy,” I said, “to have met with a stranger who can give me
information touching an entire class of human beings with whom I have
as yet had but little communion. In order that we may improve the
occasion to the utmost, I propose that we introduce ourselves to each
other at once, and swear an eternal friendship, or, at least, until we
may find it convenient to dispense with the obligation.”

“For my part, I am one who likes the friendship of a dog better than
his enmity,” returned my companion, with a singleness of purpose that
left him no disposition to waste his breath in idle compliments. “I
accept the offer, therefore, with all my heart; and this the more
readily because you are the only one I have met for a week who can ask
me how I do without saying, ‘Come on, cong portez-vous.’ Being used to
meet with squalls, however, I shall accept your offer under the last
condition named.”

I liked the stranger’s caution. It denoted a proper care of character,
and furnished a proof of responsibility. The condition was therefore
accepted on my part as frankly as it had been urged on his.

“And now, sir,” I added, when we had shaken each other very cordially
by the hand, “may I presume to ask your name?”

“I am called Noah, and I don’t care who knows it. I am not ashamed of
either of my names, whatever else I may be ashamed of.”

“Noah—?”

“Poke, at your service.” He pronounced the word slowly and very
distinctly, as if what he had just said of his self-confidence were
true. As I had afterward occasion to take his signature, I shall at
once give it in the proper form—“Capt. Noah Poke.”

“Of what part of England are you a native, Mr. Poke?”

“I believe I may say of the new parts.”

“I do not know that any portion of the island was so designated. Will
you have the good-nature to explain yourself?”

“I’m a native of Stunin’tun, in the State of Connecticut, in old New
England. My parents being dead, I was sent to sea a four-year-old, and
here I am, walking about the kingdom of France without a cent in my
pocket, a shipwrecked mariner. Hard as my lot is, to say the truth, I’d
about as leave starve as live by speaking their d—d lingo.”

“Shipwrecked—a mariner—starving—and a Yankee!”

“All that, and maybe more, too; though, by your leave, commodore, we’ll
drop the last title. I’m proud enough to call myself a Yankee, but my
back is apt to get up when I hear an Englishman use the word. We are
yet friends, and it may be well enough to continue so until some good
comes of it to one or other of the parties.”

“I ask your pardon, Mr. Poke, and will not offend again. Have you
circumnavigated the globe?”

Captain Poke snapped his fingers, in pure contempt of the simplicity of
the question.

“Has the moon ever sailed round the ’arth! Look here, a moment,
commodore”—he took from his pocket an apple, of which he had been
munching half a-dozen during the walk, and held it up to view—“draw
your lines which way you will on this sphere; crosswise or lengthwise,
up or down, zigzag or parpendic’lar, and you will not find more
traverses than I’ve worked about the old ball!”

“By land as well as by sea?”

“Why, as to the land, I’ve had my share of that, too; for it has been
my hard fortune to run upon it, when a softer bed would have given a
more quiet nap. This is just the present difficulty with me, for I am
now tacking about among these Frenchmen in order to get afloat again,
like an alligator floundering in the mud. I lost my schooner on the
northeast coast of Russia—somewhere hereabouts,” pointing to the
precise spot on the apple; “we were up there trading in skins-and
finding no means of reaching home by the road I’d come, and smelling
salt water down hereaway, I’ve been shaping my course westward for the
last eighteen months, steering as near as might be directly athwart
Europe and Asia; and here I am at last within two days’ run of Havre,
which is, if I can get good Yankee planks beneath me once more, within
some eighteen or twenty days’ run of home.”

“You allow me, then, to call the planks Yankee?”

“Call ’em what you please, commodore; though I should prefar to call
’em the ‘Debby and Dolly of Stunin’tun,’ to anything else, for that was
the name of the craft I lost. Well, the best of us are but frail, and
the longest-winded man is no dolphin to swim with his head under
water!”

“Pray, Mr. Poke, permit me to ask where you learned to speak the
English language with so much purity?”

“Stunin’tun—I never had a mouthful of schooling but what I got at home.
It’s all homespun. I make no boast of scholarship; but as for
navigating, or for finding my way about the ’arth, I’ll turn my back on
no man, unless it be to leave him behind. Now we have people with us
that think a great deal of their geometry and astronomies, but I hold
to no such slender threads. My way is, when there is occasion to go
anywhere, to settle it well in my mind as to the place, and then to
make as straight a wake as natur’ will allow, taking little account of
charts, which are as apt to put you wrong as right; and when they do
get you into a scrape it’s a smasher! Depend on yourself and human
natur’, is my rule; though I admit there is some accommodation in a
compass, particularly in cold weather.”

“Cold weather! I do not well comprehend the distinction.”

“Why, I rather conclude that one’s scent gets to be dullish in a frost;
but this may be no more than a conceit after all, for the two times
I’ve been wrecked were in summer, and both the accidents happened by
sheer dint of hard blowing, and in broad daylight, when nothing human
short of a change of wind could have saved us.”

“And you prefer this peculiar sort of navigation?”

“To all others, especially in the sealing business, which is my raal
occupation. It’s the very best way in the world to discover islands;
and everybody knows that we sealers are always on the lookout for
su’thin’ of that sort.”

“Will you suffer me to inquire, Captain Poke, how many times you have
doubled Cape Horn?”

My navigator threw a quick, jealous glance at me, as if he distrusted
the nature of the question.

“Why, that is neither here nor there; perhaps I don’t double either of
the capes, perhaps I do. I get into the South Sea with my craft, and
it’s of no great moment how it’s done. A skin is worth just as much in
the market, though the furrier may not happen to have a glossary of the
road it has travelled.”

“A glossary?”

“What matters a signification, commodore, when people understand each
other? This overland journey has put me to my wits, for you will
understand that I’ve had to travel among natives that cannot speak a
syllable of the homespun; so I brought the schooner’s dictionary with
me as a sort of terrestrial almanac, and I fancied that, as they spoke
gibberish to me, the best way was to give it to them back again as near
as might be in their own coin, hoping I might hit on su’thin’ to their
liking. By this means I’ve come to be rather more voluble than
formerly.”

“The idea was happy.”

“No doubt it was, as is just evinced. But having given you a pretty
clear insight into my natur’ and occupation, it is time that I ask a
few questions of you. This is a business, you must know, at which we do
a good deal at Stunin’tun, and at which we are commonly thought to be
handy,”

“Put your questions, Captain Poke; I hope the answers will be
satisfactory.”

“Your name?”

“John Goldencalf—by the favor of his majesty, Sir John Goldencalf,
Baronet.”

“Sir John Goldencalf—by the favor of his majesty, a baronet! Is baronet
a calling? or what sort of a crittur or thing is it?”

“It is my rank in the kingdom to which I belong.”

“I begin to understand what you mean. Among your nation mankind is what
we call stationed, like a ship’s people that are called to go about;
you have a certain berth in that kingdom of yours, much as I should
have in a sealing schooner.”

“Exactly so; and I presume you will allow that order, and propriety,
and safety result from this method among mariners?”

“No doubt—no doubt, we station anew, however, each v’yage, according to
experience; I’m not so sure that it would do to take even the cook from
father to son, or we might have a pretty mess of it.”

Here the sealer commenced a series of questions, which he put with a
vigor and perseverance that I fear left me without a single fact of my
life unrevealed, except those connected with the sacred sentiment that
bound me to Anna, and which were far too hallowed to escape me even
under the ordeal of a Stunin’tun inquisitor. In short, finding that I
was nearly helpless in such hands, I made a merit of necessity, and
yielded up my secrets as wood in a vice discharges its moisture. It was
scarcely possible that a mind like mine, subjected to the action of
such a pair of moral screws, should not yield some hints touching its
besetting propensities. The Captain seized this clew, and he went at
the theory like a bulldog at the muzzle of an ox.

To oblige him, therefore, I entered at some length into an explanation
of my system. After the general remarks that were necessary to give a
stranger an insight into its leading principles, I gave him to
understand that I had long been looking for one like him, for a purpose
that shall now be explained to the reader. I had entertained some
negotiations with Tamahamaah, and had certain investments in the pearl
and whale fisheries, it is true; but on the whole my relations with all
that portion of mankind who inhabit the islands of the Pacific, the
northwest coast of America, and the northeast coast of the old
continent, were rather loose, and generally in an unsettled and vague
condition; and it appeared to me that I had been singularly favored in
having a man so well adapted to their regeneration thrown as it were by
Providence, and in a manner so unusual, directly in my way. I now
frankly proposed, therefore, to fit out an expedition, that should be
partly of trade and partly of discovery, in order to expand my
interests in this new direction, and to place my new acquaintance at
its head. Ten minutes of earnest explanation on my part sufficed to put
my companion in possession of the leading features of the plan. When I
had ended this direct appeal to his love of enterprise, I was answered
by the favorite exclamation of—

“King!”

“I do not wonder, Captain Poke, that your admiration breaks out in this
manner; for I believe few men fairly enter into the beauty of this
benevolent system who are not struck equally with its grandeur and its
simplicity. May I count on your assistance?”

“This is a new idee, Sir Goldencalf—”

“Sir John Goldencalf, if you please, sir.”

“A new idee, Sir John Goldencalf, and it needs circumspection.
Circumspection in a bargain is the certain way to steer clear of
misunderstandings. You wish a navigator to take your craft, let her be
what she will, into unknown seas, and I wish, naturally, to make a
straight course for Stunin’tun. You see the bargain is in apogee, from
the start.”

“Money is no consideration with me, Captain Poke.”

“Well, this is an idee that has brought many a more difficult contract
at once into perigee, Sir John Goldencalf. Money is always a
considerable consideration with me, and I may say, also, just now it is
rather more so than usual. But when a gentleman clears the way as
handsomely as you have now done, any bargain may be counted as a good
deal more than half made.”

A few explicit explanations disposed of this part of the subject, and
Captain Poke accepted of my terms in the spirit of frankness with which
they were made. Perhaps his decision was quickened by an offer of
twenty Napoleons, which I did not neglect making on the spot. Amicable
and in some respects confidential relations were now established
between my new acquaintance and myself; and we pursued our walk,
discussing the details necessary to the execution of our project. After
an hour or two passed in this manner, I invited my companion to go to
my hotel, meaning that he should partake of my board until we could
both depart for England, where it was my intention to purchase without
delay a vessel for the contemplated voyage, in which I also had decided
to embark in person.

We were obliged to make our way through the throng that usually
frequents the lower part of the Champs Elysees during the season of
good weather and towards the close of the day. This task was nearly
over when my attention was particularly drawn to a group that was just
entering the place of general resort, apparently with the design of
adding to the scene of thoughtlessness and amusement. But as I am now
approaching the most material part of this extraordinary work, it will
be proper to reserve the opening for a new chapter.




CHAPTER VIII.
AN INTRODUCTION TO FOUR NEW CHARACTERS, SOME TOUCHES OF PHILOSOPHY, AND
A FEW CAPITAL THOUGHTS ON POLITICAL ECONOMY.


The group which drew my attention was composed of six individuals, two
of which were animals of the genus homo, or what is vulgarly termed
man; and the remainder were of the order primates, and of the class
mammalia; or what in common parlance are called monkeys.

The first were Savoyards, and may be generally described as being
unwashed, ragged, and carnivorous; in color swarthy; in lineaments and
expression avaricious and shrewd; and in appetites voracious. The
latter were of the common species, of the usual size, and of approved
gravity. There were two of each sex; being very equally paired as to
years and external advantages.

The monkeys were all habited with more or less of the ordinary attire
of our modern European civilization; but peculiar care had been taken
with the toilet of the senior of the two males. This individual had on
the coat of a hussar, a cut that would have given a particular part of
his body a more military contour than comported with his real character
were it not for a red petticoat that was made shorter than common;
less, however, with a view to show a pretty foot and ankle than to
leave the nether limbs at liberty to go through with certain
extravagant efforts which the Savoyards were unmercifully exacting from
his natural agility. He wore a Spanish hat, decorated with a few
bedraggled feathers, a white cockade, and a wooden sword. In addition
to the latter, he carried in his hand a small broom.

Observing that my attention was strongly attracted to this party, the
ill-favored Savoyards immediately commenced a series of experiments in
saltation, with the sole view, beyond a question, to profit by my
curiosity. The inoffensive victims of this act of brutal tyranny
submitted with a patience worthy of the profoundest philosophy, meeting
the wishes of their masters with a readiness and dexterity that was
beyond all praise. One swept the earth, another leaped on the back of a
dog, a third threw himself head-over-heels again and again without a
murmur, and the fourth moved gracefully to and fro, like a young girl
in a quadrille. All this might have passed without calling for
particular remark (since, alas! the spectacle is only too common), were
it not for certain eloquent appeals that were made to me through the
eyes by the individual in the hussar jacket. His look was rarely
averted from my face for a moment, and in this way a silent communion
was soon established between us. I observed that his gravity was
indomitable. Nothing could elicit a smile or a change of countenance.
Obedient to the whip of his brutal master, he never refused the
required leap; for minutes at a time his legs and petticoat described
confused circles in the air, appearing to have taken a final leave of
the earth; but, the effort ended, he invariably descended to the ground
with a quiet dignity and composure that showed how little the inward
monkey partook of the antics of the outward animal. Drawing my
companion a little aside, I ventured to suggest a few thoughts to him
on the subject.

“Really, Captain Poke, it appears to me there is great injustice in the
treatment of these poor creatures!” I said. “What right have these two
foul-looking blackguards to seize upon beings much more interesting to
the eye and, I dare say, far more intellectual than themselves, and
cause them to throw their legs about in this extravagant manner, under
the penalty of stripes, and without regard to their feelings or their
convenience? I say, sir, the measure appears to me intolerably
oppressive, and it calls for prompt redress.”

“King!”

“King or subject, it does not alter the moral deformity of the act.
What have these innocent beings done that they should be subjected to
this disgrace? Are they not flesh and blood like ourselves—do they not
approach nearer to our form and, for aught we know to the contrary, to
our reason, than any other animal? and is it tolerable that our nearest
imitations, our very cousins, should be thus dealt by? Are they dogs
that they are treated like dogs?”

“Why, to my notion, Sir John, there isn’t a dog on ’arth that can take
such a summerset. Their flapjacks are quite extraor’nary!”

“Yes, sir, and more than extraordinary; they are oppressive. Place
yourself, Mr. Poke, for a single instant, in the situation of one of
these persons; fancy that you had a hussar jacket squeezed upon your
brawny shoulders, a petticoat placed over your lower extremities, a
Spanish hat with bedraggled feathers set upon your head, a wooden sword
stuck at your side, and a broom put into your hand; and that these two
Savoyards were to menace you with stripes unless you consented to throw
summersets for the amusement of strangers—I only ask you to make the
case your own sir, and then say what course you would take and what you
would do?”

“I would lick both of these young blackguards, Sir John, without
remorse, break the sword and broom over their heads, kick their
sensibilities till they couldn’t see, and take my course for
Stunin’tun, where I belong.”

“Yes, sir, this might do with the Savoyards, who are young and feeble—”

“’Twouldn’t alter the case much if two of these Frenchmen were in their
places,” put in the Captain, glaring wolfishly about him. “To be plain
with you, Sir John Goldencalf, being human, I’d submit to no such
monkey tricks.”

“Do not use the term reproachfully, Mr. Poke, I entreat of you. We call
these animals monkeys, it is true; but we do not know what they call
themselves. Man is merely an animal, and you must very well know—”

“Harkee, Sir John,” interrupted the Captain, “I’m no botanist, and do
not pretend to more schooling than a sealer has need of for finding his
way about the ’arth; but as for a man’s being an animal, I just wish to
ask you, now, if in your judgment a hog is also an animal?”

“Beyond a doubt—and fleas, and toads, and sea-serpents, and lizards,
and water-devils—we are all neither more nor less than animals.”

“Well, if a hog is an animal, I am willing to allow the relationship;
for in the course of my experience, which is not small, I have met with
men that you might have mistaken for hogs, in everything but the
bristles, the snout, and the tail. I’ll never deny what I’ve seen with
my own eyes, though I suffer for it; and therefore I admit that, hogs
being animals, it is more than likely that some men must be animals
too.”

“We call these interesting beings monkeys; but how do we know that they
do not return the compliment, and call us, in their own particular
dialect, something quite as offensive? It would become our species to
manifest a more equitable and philosophical spirit, and to consider
these interesting strangers as an unfortunate family which has fallen
into the hands of brutes, and which is in every way entitled to our
commiseration and our active interference. Hitherto I have never
sufficiently stimulated my sympathies for the animal world by any
investment in quadrupeds; but it is my intention to write to-morrow to
my English agent to purchase a pack of hounds and a suitable stud of
horses; and by way of quickening so laudable a resolution, I shall
forthwith make propositions to the Savoyards for the speedy
emancipation of this family of amiable foreigners. The slave-trade is
an innocent pastime compared to the cruel oppression that the gentleman
in the Spanish hat, in particular, is compelled to endure.”

“King!”

“He may be a king, sure enough, in his own country, Captain Poke; a
fact that would add tenfold agony to his unmerited sufferings.”

Hereupon I proceeded without more ado to open a negotiation with the
Savoyards. The judicious application of a few Napoleons soon brought
about a happy understanding between the contracting parties, when the
Savoyards transferred to my hands the strings which confined their
vassals, as the formal and usual acknowledgment of the right of
ownership. Committing the three others to the keeping of Mr. Poke, I
led the individual in the hussar jacket a little on one side, and
raising my hat to show that I was superior to the vulgar feelings of
feudal superiority, I addressed him briefly in the following words:

“Although I have ostensibly bought the right which these Savoyards
professed to have in your person and services, I seize an early
occasion to inform you that virtually you are now free. As we are among
a people accustomed to see your race in subjection, however, it may not
be prudent to proclaim the nature of the present transaction, lest
there might be some further conspiracies against your natural rights.
We will retire to my hotel forthwith, therefore, where your future
happiness shall be the subject of our more mature and of our united
deliberations.”

The respectable stranger in the hussar jacket heard me with inimitable
gravity and self-command until, in the warmth of feeling, I raised an
arm in earnest gesticulation, when, most probably overcome by the
emotions of delight that were naturally awakened in his bosom by this
sudden change in his fortune, he threw three summersets, or flapjacks,
as Captain Poke had quaintly designated his evolutions, in such rapid
succession as to render it for a moment a matter of doubt whether
nature had placed his head or his heels uppermost.

Making a sign for Captain Poke to follow, I now took my way directly to
the Rue de Rivoli. We were attended by a constantly increasing crowd
until the gate of the hotel was fairly entered; and glad was I to see
my charge safely housed, for there were abundant indications of another
design upon their rights in the taunts and ridicule of the living mass
that rolled up as it were upon our heels. On reaching my own
apartments, a courier who had been waiting my return, and who had just
arrived express from England, put a packet into my hands, stating that
it came from my principal English agent. Hasty orders were given to
attend to the comfort and wants of Captain Poke and the strangers
(orders that were in no danger of being neglected, since Sir John
Goldencalf, with the reputed annual revenue of three millions of
francs, had unlimited credit with all the inhabitants of the hotel);
and I hurried into my cabinet and sat down to the eager perusal of the
different communications.

Alas! there was not a line from Anna! The obdurate girl still trifled
with my misery; and in revenge I entertained a momentary resolution of
adopting the notions of Mahmoud, in order to qualify myself to set up a
harem.

The letters were from a variety of correspondents, embracing many of
those who were entrusted with the care of my interests in very opposite
quarters of the world. Half an hour before I had been dying to open
more intimate relations with the interesting strangers; but my thoughts
instantly took a new direction, and I soon found that the painful
sentiments I had entertained touching their welfare and happiness were
quite lost in the newly awakened interests that lay before me. It is in
this simple manner, no doubt, that the system to which I am a convert
effects no small part of its own great purposes. No sooner does any one
interest grow painful by excess than a new claim arises to divert the
thoughts, a new demand is made on the sensibilities; and by lowering
our affections from the intensity of selfishness to the more bland and
equable feeling of impartiality, forms that just and generous condition
of the mind at which the political economists aim when they dilate on
the glories and advantages of their favorite theory of the social
stake.

In this happy frame of mind I fell to reading the letters with avidity
and with the godlike determination to reverence Providence and to do
justice. Fiat justitia ruat coelum!

The first epistle was from the agent of the principal West India
estate. He acquainted me with the fact that all hopes from the expected
crop were destroyed by a hurricane, and he begged that I would furnish
the means necessary to carry on the affairs of the plantation until
another season might repair the loss. Priding myself on punctuality as
a man of business, before I broke another seal a letter was written to
a banker in London requesting him to supply the necessary credits, and
to notify the agents in the West Indies of the circumstance. As he was
a member of parliament, I seized the occasion also to press upon him
the necessity of government’s introducing some early measure for the
protection of the sugar-growers, a most meritorious class of his
fellow-subjects, and one whose exposures and actual losses called
loudly for relief of this nature. As I closed the letter I could not
help dwelling with complacency on the zeal and promptitude with which I
had acted—the certain proof of the usefulness of the theory of
investments.

The second communication was from the manager of an East India
property, that very happily came with its offering to fill the vacuum
left by the failure of the crops just mentioned. Sugar was likely to be
a drug in the peninsula, and my correspondent stated that the cost of
transportation being so much greater than from the other colonies, this
advantage would be entirely lost unless government did something to
restore the East Indian to his natural equality. I enclosed this letter
in one to my Lord Say and Do, who was in the ministry, asking him in
the most laconic and pointed terms whether it were possible for the
empire to prosper when one portion of it was left in possession of
exclusive advantages, to the prejudice of all the others? As this
question was put with a truly British spirit, I hope it had some
tendency to open the eyes of his majesty’s ministers; for much was
shortly after said, both in the journals and in parliament, on the
necessity of protecting our East Indian fellow-subjects, and of doing
natural justice by establishing the national prosperity on the only
firm basis, that of free trade.

The next letter was from the acting partner of a large manufacturing
house to which I had advanced quite half the capital, in order to enter
into a sympathetic communion with the cotton-spinners. The writer
complained heavily of the import duty on the raw material, made some
poignant allusions to the increasing competition on the continent and
in America, and pretty clearly intimated that the lord of the manor of
Householder ought to make himself felt by the administration in a
question of so much magnitude to the nation. On this hint I spake. I
sat down on the spot and wrote a long letter to my friend Lord Pledge,
in which I pointed out to him the danger that threatened our political
economy; that we were imitating the false theories of the Americans
(the countrymen of Captain Poke), that trade was clearly never so
prosperous as when it was the most successful, that success depended on
effort, and effort was the most efficient when the least encumbered,
and in short that as it was self-evident a man would jump farther
without being in foot-irons, or strike harder without being
hand-cuffed, so it was equally apparent that a merchant would make a
better bargain for himself when he could have things all his own way
than when his enterprise and industry were shackled by the impertinent
and selfish interposition of the interests of others. In conclusion
there was an eloquent description of the demoralizing consequences of
smuggling, and a pungent attack on the tendencies of taxation in
general. I have written and said some good things in my time, as
several of my dependents have sworn to me in a way that even my natural
modesty cannot repudiate; but I shall be excused for the weakness if I
now add that I believe this letter to Lord Pledge contained some as
clever points as anything I remember in their way; the last paragraph
in particular being positively the neatest and the best turned moral I
ever produced.

Letter fourth was from the steward of the Householder estate. He spoke
of the difficulty of getting the rents; a difficulty that he imputed
altogether to the low price of corn. He said that it would soon be
necessary to relet certain farms; and he feared that the unthinking cry
against the corn-laws would affect the conditions. It was incumbent on
the landed interest to keep an eye on the popular tendencies as
respected this subject, for any material variation from the present
system would lower the rental of all the grain-growing counties in
England thirty per cent, at least at a blow. He concluded with a very
hard rap at the agrarians, a party that was just coming a little into
notice in Great Britain, and by a very ingenious turn, in which he
completely demonstrated that the protection of the landlord and the
support of the Protestant religion were indissolubly connected. There
was also a vigorous appeal to the common sense of the subject on the
danger to be apprehended by the people from themselves; which he
treated in a way that, a little more expanded, would have made a
delightful homily on the rights of man.

I believe I meditated on the contents of this letter fully an hour. Its
writer, John Dobbs, was as worthy and upright a fellow as ever
breathed; and I could not but admire the surprising knowledge of men
which shone through every line he had indited. Something must be done
it was clear; and at length I determined to take the bull by the horns
and to address Mr. Huskisson at once, as the shortest way of coming at
the evil. He was the political sponsor for all the new notions on the
subject of our foreign mercantile policy; and by laying before him in a
strong point of view the fatal consequences of carrying his system to
extremes, I hoped something might yet be done for the owners of real
estate, the bones and sinews of the land.

I shall just add in this place that Mr. Huskisson sent me a very polite
and a very statesman-like reply, in which he disclaimed any intention
of meddling improperly with British interests in any way; that taxation
was necessary to our system, and of course every nation was the best
judge of its own means and resources; but that he merely aimed at the
establishment of just and generous principles, by which nations that
had no occasion for British measures should not unhandsomely resort to
them; and that certain external truths should stand, like so many
well-constructed tubs, each on its own bottom. I must say I was pleased
with this attention from a man generally reputed as clever as Mr.
Huskisson, and from that time I became a convert to most of his
opinions.

The next communication that I opened was from the overseer of the
estate in Louisiana, who informed me that the general aspect of things
in that quarter of the world was favorable, but the smallpox had found
its way among the negroes, and the business of the plantation would
immediately require the services of fifteen able-bodied men, with the
usual sprinkling of women and children. He added that the laws of
America prohibited the further importation of blacks from any country
without the limits of the Union, but that there was a very pretty and
profitable internal trade in the article, and that the supply might be
obtained in sufficient season either from the Carolinas, Virginia, or
Maryland. He admitted, however, that there was some choice between the
different stocks of these several States, and that some discretion
might be necessary in making the selection. The negro of the Carolinas
was the most used to the cotton-field, had less occasion for clothes,
and it had been proved by experiment could be fattened on red herrings;
while, on the other hand, the negro farther north had the highest
instinct, could sometimes reason, and that he had even been known to
preach when he had got as high up as Philadelphia. He much affected,
also, bacon and poultry. Perhaps it might be well to purchase samples
of lots from all the different stocks in market.

In reply I assented to the latter idea, suggesting the expediency of
getting one or two of the higher castes from the north; I had no
objection to preaching provided they preached work; but I cautioned the
overseer particularly against schismatics. Preaching, in the abstract,
could do no harm; all depending on doctrine.

This advice was given as the result of much earnest observation. Those
European states that had the most obstinately resisted the introduction
of letters, I had recently had occasion to remark were changing their
systems, and were about to act on the principle of causing “fire to
fight fire.” They were fast having recourse to school-books, using no
other precaution than the simple expedient of writing them themselves.
By this ingenious invention poison was converted into food, and truths
of all classes were at once put above the dangers of disputations and
heresies.

Having disposed of the Louisianian, I very gladly turned to the opening
of the sixth seal. The letter was from the efficient trustee of a
company to whose funds I had largely contributed by way of making an
investment in charity. It had struck me, a short time previously to
quitting home, that interests positive as most of those I had embarked
in had a tendency to render the spirit worldly; and I saw no other
check to such an evil than by seeking for some association with the
saints, in order to set up a balance against the dangerous propensity.
A lucky occasion offered through the wants of the
Philo-African-anti-compulsion-free-labor Society, whose meritorious
efforts were about to cease for the want of the great
charity-power—gold. A draft for five thousand pounds had obtained me
the honor of being advertised as a shareholder and a patron; and, I
know not why!—but it certainly caused me to inquire into the results
with far more interest than I had ever before felt in any similar
institution. Perhaps this benevolent anxiety arose from that principle
in our nature which induces us to look after whatever has been our own
as long as any part of it can be seen.

The principal trustee of the Philo-African-anti-compulsion-free-labor
Society now wrote to state that some of the speculations which had gone
pari passu with the charity had been successful, and that the
shareholders were, by the fundamental provisions of the association,
entitled to a dividend, but—how often that awkward word stands between
the cup and the lip!—BUT that he was of opinion the establishment of a
new factory near a point where the slavers most resorted, and where
gold-dust and palm-oil were also to be had in the greatest quantities,
and consequently at the lowest prices, would equally benefit trade and
philanthropy; that by a judicious application of our means these two
interests might be made to see-saw very cleverly, as cause and effect,
effect and cause; that the black man would be spared an incalculable
amount of misery, the white man a grievous burden of sin, and the
particular agents of so manifest a good might quite reasonably
calculate on making at the very least forty per cent. per annum on
their money besides having all their souls saved in the bargain. Of
course I assented to a proposition so reasonable in itself, and which
offered benefits so plausible!

The next epistle was from the head of a great commercial house in Spain
in which I had taken some shares, and whose interests had been
temporarily deranged by the throes of the people in their efforts to
obtain redress for real or imaginary wrongs. My correspondent showed a
proper indignation on the occasion, and was not sparing in his language
whenever he was called to speak of popular tumults. “What do the
wretches wish?” he asked with much point—“Our lives as well as our
property? Ah! my dear sir, this bitter fact impresses us all (by us he
meant the mercantile interests) with the importance of strong
executives. Where should we have been but for the bayonets of the king?
or what would have become of our altars, our firesides, and our
persons, had it not pleased God to grant us a monarch indomitable in
will, brave in spirit, and quick in action?” I wrote a proper answer of
congratulation and turned to the next epistle, which was the last of
the communications.

The eighth letter was from the acting head of another commercial house
in New York, United States of America, or the country of Captain Poke,
where it would seem the president by a decided exercise of his
authority had drawn upon himself the execrations of a large portion of
the commercial interests of the country; since the effect of the
measure, right or wrong, as a legitimate consequence or not, by hook or
by crook, had been to render money scarce. There is no man so keen in
his philippics, so acute in discovering and so prompt in analyzing
facts, so animated in his philosophy, and so eloquent in his
complaints, as your debtor when money unexpectedly gets to be scarce.
Credit, comfort, bones, sinews, marrow and all appear to depend on the
result; and it is no wonder that, under so lively impressions, men who
have hitherto been content to jog on in the regular and quiet habits of
barter, should suddenly start up into logicians, politicians, aye, or
even into magicians. Such had been the case with my present
correspondent, who seemed to know and to care as little in general of
the polity of his own country as if he had never been in it, but who
now was ready to split hairs with a metaphysician, and who could not
have written more complacently of the constitution if he had even read
it. My limits will not allow an insertion of the whole letter, but one
or two of its sentences shall be given. “Is it tolerable, my dear sir,”
he went on to say, “that the executive of ANY country, I will not say
merely of our own, should possess, or exercise, even admitting that he
does possess them, such unheard of powers? Our condition is worse than
that of the Mussulmans, who in losing their money usually lose their
heads, and are left in a happy insensibility to their sufferings: but,
alas! there is an end of the much boasted liberty of America! The
executive has swallowed up all the other branches of the government,
and the next thing will be to swallow up us. Our altars, our firesides,
and our persons will shortly be invaded; and I much fear that my next
letter will be received by you long after all correspondence shall be
prohibited, every means of communication cut off, and we ourselves
shall be precluded from writing, by being chained like beasts of burden
to the car of a bloody tyrant.” Then followed as pretty a string of
epithets as I remember to have heard from the mouth of the veriest
shrew at Billingsgate.

I could not but admire the virtue of the “social-stake system,” which
kept men so sensibly alive to all their rights, let them live where
they would, or under what form of government, which was so admirably
suited to sustain truth and render us just. In reply I sent back
epithet for epithet, echoed all the groans of my correspondent, and
railed as became a man who was connected with a losing concern.

This closed my correspondence for the present, and I arose wearied with
my labors, and yet greatly rejoicing in their fruits. It was now late,
but excitement prevented sleep; and before retiring for the night I
could not help looking in upon my guests. Captain Poke had gone to a
room in another part of the hotel, but the family of amiable strangers
were fast asleep in the antechamber. They had supped heartily as I was
assured, and were now indulging in a happy but temporary oblivion—to
use an improved expression—of all their wrongs. Satisfied with this
state of things, I now sought my own pillow, or, according to a
favorite phrase of Mr. Noah Poke, I also “turned in.”




CHAPTER IX.
THE COMMENCEMENT OF WONDERS, WHICH ARE THE MORE EXTRAORDINARY ON
ACCOUNT OF THEIR TRUTH.


I dare say my head had been on the pillow fully an hour before sleep
closed my eyes. During this time I had abundant occasion to understand
the activity of what are called the “busy thoughts.” Mine were
feverish, glowing, and restless. They wandered over a wild field; one
that included Anna, with her beauty, her mild truth, her womanly
softness, and her womanly cruelty; Captain Poke and his peculiar
opinions; the amiable family of quadrupeds and their wounded
sensibilities; the excellences of the social-stake system; and, in
short, most of that which I had seen and heard during the last
four-and-twenty hours. When sleep did tardily arrive, it overtook me at
the very moment that I had inwardly vowed to forget my heartless
mistress, and to devote the remainder of my life to the promulgation of
the doctrine of the
expansive-super-human-generalized-affection-principle, to the utter
exclusion of all narrow and selfish views, and in which I resolved to
associate myself with Mr. Poke, as with one who had seen a great deal
of this earth and its inhabitants, without narrowing down his
sympathies in favor of any one place or person in particular,
Stunin’tun and himself very properly excepted.

It was broad daylight when I awoke on the following morning. My spirits
were calmed by rest, and my nerves had been soothed by the balmy
freshness of the atmosphere. It appeared that my valet had entered and
admitted the morning air, and then had withdrawn as usual to await the
signal of the bell before he presumed to reappear. I lay many minutes
in delicious repose, enjoying the periodical return of life and reason,
bringing with it the pleasures of thought and its ten thousand
agreeable associations. The delightful reverie into which I was
insensibly dropping was, however, ere long arrested by low, murmuring,
and, as I thought, plaintive voices at no great distance from my own
bed. Seating myself erect, I listened intently and with a good deal of
surprise; for it was not easy to imagine whence sounds so unusual for
that place and hour could proceed. The discourse was earnest and even
animated; but it was carried on in so low a tone that it would have
been utterly inaudible but for the deep quiet of the hotel.
Occasionally a word reached my ear, and I was completely at fault in
endeavoring to ascertain even the language. That it was in neither of
the five great European tongues I was certain, for all these I either
spoke or read; and there were particular sounds and inflections that
induced me to think that it savored of the most ancient of the two
classics. It is true that the prosody of these dialects, at the same
time that it is a shibboleth of learning, is a disputed point, the very
sounds of the vowels even being a matter of national convention; the
Latin word dux, for instance, being ducks in England, docks in Italy,
and dukes in France: yet there is a ‘je ne sais quoi,’ a delicacy in
the auricular taste of a true scholar, that will rarely lead him astray
when his ears are greeted with words that have been used by Demosthenes
or Cicero. [Footnote: Or Chichero, or Kickero, whichever may happen to
suit the prejudices of the reader.] In the present instance I
distinctly heard the word my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton, which I made sure
was a verb in the dual number and second person, of a Greek root, but
of a signification that I could not on the instant master, but which
beyond a question every scholar will recognize as having a strong
analogy to a well-known line in Homer. If I was puzzled with the
syllables that accidentally reached me, I was no less perplexed with
the intonations of the voices of the different speakers. While it was
easy to understand they were of the two sexes, they had no direct
affinity to the mumbling sibilations of the English, the vehement
monotony of the French, the gagging sonorousness of the Spaniards, the
noisy melody of the Italians, the ear-splitting octaves of the Germans,
or the undulating, head-over-heels enunciation of the countrymen of my
particular acquaintance Captain Noah Poke. Of all the living languages
of which I had any knowledge, the resemblance was nearer to the Danish
and Swedish than to any other; but I much doubted at the time I first
heard the syllables, and still question, if there is exactly such a
word as my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton to be found in even either of those
tongues. I could no longer support the suspense. The classical and
learned doubts that beset me grew intensely painful; and arising with
the greatest caution, in order not to alarm the speakers, I prepared to
put an end to them all by the simple and natural process of actual
observation.

The voices came from the antechamber, the door of which was slightly
open. Throwing on a dressing-gown, and thrusting my feet into slippers,
I moved on tiptoe to the aperture, and placed my eye in such a
situation as enabled me to command a view of the persons of those who
were still earnestly talking in the adjoining room. All surprise
vanished the moment I found that the four monkeys were grouped in a
corner of the apartment, where they were carrying on a very animated
dialogue, the two oldest of the party (a male and a female) being the
principal speakers. It was not to be expected that even a graduate of
Oxford, although belonging to a sect so proverbial for classical lore
that many of them knew nothing else, could at the first hearing decide
upon the analogies and character of a tongue that is so little
cultivated even in that ancient sea of learning. Although I had now
certainly a direct clew to the root of the dialect of the speakers, I
found it quite impossible to get any useful acquaintance with the
general drift of what was passing among them. As they were my guests,
however, and might possibly be in want of some of the conveniences that
were necessary to their habits, or might even be suffering under still
graver embarrassments, I conceived it to be a duty to waive the
ordinary usages of society, and at once offer whatever it was in my
power to bestow, at the risk of interrupting concerns that they might
possibly wish to consider private. Using the precaution, therefore, to
make a little noise, as the best means of announcing my approach, the
door was gently opened, and I presented myself to view. At first I was
a little at a loss in what manner to address the strangers; but
believing that a people who spoke a language so difficult of utterance
and so rich as that I had just heard, like those who use dialects
derived from the Slavonian root, were most probably the masters of all
others; and remembering, moreover, that French was a medium of thought
among all polite people, I determined to have recourse to that tongue.
“Messieurs et mesdames,” I said, inclining my body in salutation,
“mille pardons four cette intrusion feu convenable”—but as I am writing
in English it may be well to translate the speeches as I proceed;
although I abandon with regret the advantage of going through them
literally, and in the appropriate dialect in which they were originally
spoken.

“Gentlemen and ladies,” I said, inclining my body in salutation, “I ask
a thousand pardons for this inopportune intrusion on your retirement;
but overhearing a few of what I much fear are but too well-grounded
complaints, touching the false position in which you are placed as the
occupant of this apartment, and in that light your host, I have
ventured to approach, with no other desire than the wish that you would
make me the repository of all your griefs, in order, if possible, that
they may be repaired as soon as circumstances shall in any manner
allow.”

The strangers were very naturally a little startled at my unexpected
appearance, and at the substance of what I had just said. I observed
that the two ladies were apparently in some slight degree even
distressed, the younger turning her head on one side in maiden modesty,
while the elder, a duenna sort of looking person, dropped her eyes to
the floor, but succeeded in better maintaining her self-possession and
gravity. The eldest of the two gentlemen approached me with dignified
composure, after a moment of hesitation, and returning my salute by
waving his tail with singular grace and decorum, he answered as
follows. I may as well state in this place that he spoke the French
about as well as an Englishman who has lived long enough on the
continent to fancy he can travel in the provinces without being
detected for a foreigner. Au reste, his accent was slightly Russian,
and his enunciation whistling and harmonious. The females, especially
in some of the lower keys of their voices, made sounds not unlike the
sighing tones of the Eolian harp. It was really a pleasure to hear
them; but I have often had occasion to remark that, in every country
but one, which I do not care to name, the language when uttered by the
softer sex takes new charms, and is rendered more delightful to the
ear.

“Sir,” said the stranger, when he had done waving his tail, “I should
do great injustice to my feelings, and to the monikin character in
general, were I to neglect expressing some small portion of the
gratitude I feel on the present occasion. Destitute, houseless,
insulted wanderers and captives, fortune has at length shed a ray of
happiness on our miserable condition, and hope begins to shine through
the cloud of our distress, like a passing gleam of the sun. From my
very tail, sir, in my own name and in that of this excellent and most
prudent matron, and in those of these two noble and youthful lovers, I
thank you. Yes! honorable and humane being of the genus homo, species
Anglicus, we all return our most tail-felt acknowledgments of your
goodness!”

Here the whole party gracefully bent the ornaments in question over
their heads, touching their receding foreheads with the several tips,
and bowed. I would have given ten thousand pounds at that moment to
have had a good investment in tails, in order to emulate their form of
courtesy; but naked, shorn, and destitute as I was, with a feeling of
humility I was obliged to put my head a little on one shoulder and give
the ordinary English bob, in return for their more elaborate
politeness.

“If I were merely to say, sir,” I continued, when the opening
salutations were thus properly exchanged, “that I am charmed at this
accidental interview, the word would prove very insufficient to express
my delight. Consider this hotel as your own; its domestics as your
domestics; its stores of condiments as your stores of condiments, and
its nominal tenant as your most humble servant and friend. I have been
greatly shocked at the indignities to which you have hitherto been
exposed, and now promise you liberty, kindness, and all those
attentions to which it is very apparent you are fully entitled by your
birth, breeding, and the delicacy of your sentiments. I congratulate
myself a thousand times for having been so fortunate as to make your
acquaintance. My greatest desire has always been to stimulate the
sympathies; but until to-day various accidents have confined the
cultivation of this heaven-born property in a great measure to my own
species; I now look forward, however, to a delicious career of new-born
interests in the whole of the animal creation, I need scarcely say in
that of quadrupeds of your family in particular.”

“Whether we belong to the class of quadrupeds or not, is a question
that has a good deal embarrassed our own savans” returned the stranger.
“There is an ambiguity in our physical action that renders the point a
little questionable; and therefore, I think, the higher castes of our
natural philosophers rather prefer classing the entire monikin species,
with all its varieties, as caudae-jactans, or tail-wavers; adopting the
term from the nobler part of the animal formation. Is not this the
better opinion at home, my Lord Chatterino?” he asked, turning to the
youth, who stood respectfully at his side.

“Such, I believe, my dear Doctor, was the last classification
sanctioned by the academy,” the young noble replied, with a readiness
that proved him to be both well-informed and intelligent, and at the
same time with a reserve of manner that did equal credit to his modesty
and breeding. “The question of whether we are or are not bipeds has
greatly agitated the schools for more than three centuries.”

“The use of this gentleman’s name,” I hastily rejoined, “my dear sir,
reminds me that we are but half acquainted with each other. Permit me
to waive ceremony, and to announce myself at once as Sir John
Goldencalf, Baronet, of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great
Britain, a poor admirer of excellence wherever it is to be found, or
under whatever form, and a devotee of the system of the
‘social-stake.’”

“I am happy to be admitted to the honor of this formal introduction,
Sir John. In return I beg you will suffer me to say that this young
nobleman is, in our own dialect, No. 6, purple; or, to translate the
appellation, my Lord Chat-terino. This young lady is No. 4, violet, or,
my Lady Chatterissa. This excellent and prudent matron is No.
4,626,243, russet, or, Mistress Vigilance Lynx, to translate her
appellation also into the English tongue; and that I am No. 22,817,
brown-study color, or, Dr. Reasono, to give you a literal signification
of my name—a poor disciple of the philosophers of our race, an LL.D.,
and a F.U.D.G.E., the travelling tutor of this heir of one of the most
illustrious and the most ancient houses of the island of Leaphigh, in
the monikin section of mortality.”

“Every syllable, learned Dr. Reasono, that falls from your revered lips
only whets curiosity and adds fuel to the flame of desire, tempting me
to inquire further into your private history, your future intentions,
the polity of your species, and all those interesting topics that will
readily suggest themselves to one of your quick apprehension and
extensive acquirements. I dread being thought indiscreet, and yet,
putting yourself in my position, I trust you will overlook a wish so
natural and so ardent.”

“Apology is unnecessary, Sir John, and nothing would afford me greater
satisfaction than to answer any and every inquiry you may be disposed
to make.”

“Then, sir, to cut short all useless circumlocution, suffer me to ask
at once an explanation of the system of enumeration by which you
indicate individuals? You are called No. 22,817, brown-study color—”

“Or Dr. Reasono. As you are an Englishman, you will perhaps understand
me better if I refer to a recent practice of the new London police. You
may have observed that the men wear letters in red or white, and
numbers on the capes of their coats. By the letters the passenger can
refer to the company of the officer, while the number indicates the
individual. Now, the idea of this improvement came, I make no doubt,
from our system, under which society is divided into castes, for the
sake of harmony and subordination, and these castes are designated by
colors and shades of colors that are significant of their stations and
pursuits—the individual, as in the new police, being known by the
number. Our own language being exceedingly sententious, is capable of
expressing the most elaborate of these combinations in a very few
sounds. I should add that there is no difference in the manner of
distinguishing the sexes, with the exception that each is numbered
apart, and each has a counterpart color to that of the same caste in
the other sex. Thus purple and violet are both noble, the former being
masculine and the latter feminine, and russet being the counterpart of
brown-study color.”

“And—excuse my natural ardor to know more—and do you bear these numbers
and colors marked on your attire in your own region?”

“As for attire, Sir John, the monikins are too highly improved,
mentally and physically, to need any. It is known that in all cases
extremes meet. The savage is nearer to nature than the merely civilized
being, and the creature that has passed the mystifications of a middle
state of improvement finds himself again approaching nearer to the
habits, the wishes, and the opinions of our common mother. As the real
gentleman is more simple in manners than the distant imitator of his
deportment; as fashions and habits are always more exaggerated in
provincial towns than in polished capitals; or as the profound
philosopher has less pretensions than the tyro, so does our common
genus, as it draws nearer to the consummation of its destiny and its
highest attainments, learn to reject the most valued usages of the
middle condition, and to return with ardor towards nature as to a first
love. It is on this principle, sir, that the monikin family never wear
clothes.”

“I could not but perceive that the ladies have manifested some
embarrassment ever since I entered—is it possible that their delicacy
has taken the alarm at the state of my toilet?”

“At the toilet itself, Sir John, rather than at its state, if I must
speak plainly. The female mind, trained as it is with us from infancy
upwards in the habits and usages of nature, is shocked by any departure
from her rules. You will know how to make allowances for the
squeamishness of the sex, for I believe it is much alike in this
particular, let it come from what quarter of the earth it may.”

“I can only excuse the seeming want of politeness by my ignorance, Dr.
Reasono. Before I ask another question the oversight shall be repaired.
I must retire into my own chamber for an instant, gentlemen and ladies,
and I beg you will find such sources of amusement as first offer until
I can return. There are nuts, I believe, in this closet; sugar is
usually kept on that table, and perhaps the ladies might find some
relaxation by exercising themselves on the chairs. In a single moment I
shall be with you again.”

Hereupon I withdrew into my bed-chamber, and began to lay aside the
dressing-gown as well as my shirt. Remembering, however, that I was but
too liable to colds in the head, I returned to ask Dr. Reasono to step
in where I was for an instant. On mentioning the difficulty, this
excellent person assumed the office of preparing his female friends to
overlook the slight innovation of my still wearing the nightcap and
slippers.

“The ladies would think nothing of it,” the philosopher good-humoredly
remarked, by way of lessening my regrets at having wounded their
sensibilities, “were you even to appear in a military cloak and Hessian
boots, provided it was not thought that you were of their acquaintance
and in their immediate society. I think you must have often remarked
among the sex of your own species, who are frequently quite indifferent
to nudities (their prejudices running counter to ours) that appear in
the streets, but which would cause them instantly to run out of the
room when exhibited in the person of an acquaintance; these
conventional asides being tolerated everywhere by a judicious
concession of punctilios that might otherwise become insupportable.”

“The distinction is too reasonable to require another word of
explanation, dear sir. Now let us rejoin the ladies, since I am at
length in some degree fit to be seen.”

I was rewarded for this bit of delicate attention by an approving smile
from the lovely Chatterissa, and good Mistress Lynx no longer kept her
eyes riveted on the floor, but bent them on me with looks of admiration
and gratitude.

“Now that this little contre-temps is no longer an obstacle,” I
resumed, “permit me to continue those inquiries which you have hitherto
answered with so much amenity and so satisfactorily. As you have no
clothes, in what manner is the parallel between your usage and that of
the new London police practically completed?”

“Although we have no clothes, nature, whose laws are never violated
with impunity, but who is as beneficent as she is absolute, has
furnished us with a downy covering to supply their places wherever
clothes are needed for comfort. We have coats that defy fashions,
require no tailors, and never lose their naps. But it would be
inconvenient to be totally clad in this manner; and, therefore, the
palms of the hands are, as you see, ungloved; the portions of the frame
on which we seat ourselves are left uncovered, most probably lest some
inconvenience should arise from taking accidental and unfavorable
positions. This is the part of the monikin frame the best adapted for
receiving paint, and the numbers of which I have spoken are
periodically renewed there, at public offices appointed for that
purpose. Our characters are so minute as to escape the human eye; but
by using that opera-glass, I make no doubt that you may still see some
of my own enregistration, although, alas! unusual friction, great
misery, and, I may say, unmerited wrongs, have nearly un-monikined me
in this, as well as in various other particulars.”

As Dr. Reasono had the complaisance to turn round, and to use his tail
like the index of a black-board, by aid of the glass I very distinctly
traced the figures to which he alluded. Instead of being in paint,
however, as he had given me reason to anticipate, they seemed to be
branded, or burnt in, indelibly, as we commonly mark horses, thieves,
and negroes. On mentioning the fact to the philosopher, it was
explained with his usual facility and politeness.

“You are quite right, sir,” he said; “the omission of paint was to
prevent tautology, an offence against the simplicity of the monikin
dialect, as well as against monikin taste, that would have been
sufficient, under our opinions, even to overturn the government.”

“Tautology!”

“Tautology, Sir John; on examining the background of the picture, you
will perceive that it is already of a dusky, sombre hue; now, this
being of a meditative and grave character, has been denominated by our
academy the ‘brown-study color’; and it would clearly have been
supererogatory to lay the same tint upon it. No, sir; we avoid
repetitions even in our prayers, deeming them to be so many proofs of
an illogical and of an anti-consecutive mind.”

“The system is admirable, and I see new beauties at each moment. You
enjoy the advantage, for instance, under this mode of enumeration, of
knowing your acquaintances from behind, quite as well as if you met
them face to face!”

“The suggestion is ingenious, showing an active and an observant mind;
but it does not quite reach the motive of the
politico-numerical-identity system of which we are speaking. The
objects of this arrangement are altogether of a higher and more useful
nature; nor do we usually recognize our friends by their countenances,
which at the best are no more than so many false signals, but by their
tails.”

“This is admirable! What a facility you possess for recognizing an
acquaintance who may happen to be up a tree! But may I presume to
inquire, Dr. Reasono, what are the most approved of the advantages of
the politico-numerical-identity system? For impatience is devouring my
vitals.”

“They are connected with the interests of government. You know, sir,
that society is established for the purposes of governments, and
governments, themselves, mainly to facilitate contributions and
taxations. Now, by the numerical system, we have every opportunity of
including the whole monikin race in the collections, as they are
periodically checked off by their numbers. The idea was a happy thought
of an eminent statistician of ours, who gained great credit at court by
the invention, and, in fact, who was admitted to the academy in
consequence of its ingenuity.”

“Still it must be admitted, my dear Doctor,” put in Lord Chatterino,
always with the modesty, and, perhaps I might add, with the generosity
of youth, “that there are some among us who deny that society was made
for governments, and who maintain that governments were made for
society; or, in other words, for monikins.”

“Mere theorists, my good lord; and their opinions, even if true, are
never practised on. Practice is everything in political matters; and
theories are of no use, except as they confirm practice.”

“Both theory and practice are perfect,” I cried, “and I make no doubt
that the classification into colors, or castes, enables the authorities
to commence the imposts with the richest, or the ‘purples.’”

“Sir, monikin prudence never lays the foundation-stone at the summit;
it seeks the base of the edifice; and as contributions are the walls of
society, we commence with the bottom. When you shall know us better,
Sir John Goldencalf, you will begin to comprehend the beauty and
benevolence of the entire monikin economy.”

I now adverted to the frequent use of this word “monikin”; and,
admitting my ignorance, desired an explanation of the term, as well as
a more general insight into the origin, history, hopes, and polity of
the interesting strangers; if they can be so called who were already so
well known to me. Dr. Reasono admitted that the request was natural and
was entitled to respect; but he delicately suggested the necessity of
sustaining the animal function by nutriment, intimating that the ladies
had supped but in an indifferent way the evening before, and
acknowledging that, philosopher as he was, he should go through the
desired explanations after improving the slight acquaintance he had
already made with certain condiments in one of the armoires, with far
more zeal and point, than could possibly be done in the present state
of his appetite. The suggestion was so very plausible that there was no
resisting it; and, suppressing my curiosity as well as I could, the
bell was rung. I retired to my bed-chamber to resume so much of my
attire as was necessary to the semi-civilization of man, and then the
necessary orders were given to the domestics, who, by the way, were
suffered to remain under the influence of those ordinary and vulgar
prejudices that are pretty generally entertained by the human, against
the monikin family.

Previously to separating from my new friend Dr. Reasono, however, I
took him aside, and stated that I had an acquaintance in the hotel, a
person of singular philosophy, after the human fashion, and a great
traveller; and that I desired permission to let him into the secret of
our intended lecture on the monikin economy, and to bring him with me
as an auditor. To this request, No. 22,817, brown-study color, or Dr.
Reasono, gave a very cordial assent; hinting delicately, at the same
time, his expectation that this new auditor, who, of course, was no
other than Captain Noah Poke, would not deem it disparaging to his
manhood, to consult the sensibilities of the ladies, by appearing in
the garments of that only decent and respectable tailor and draper,
nature. To this suggestion I gave a ready approval; when each went his
way, after the usual salutations of bowing and tail-waving, with a
mutual promise of being punctual to the appointment.




CHAPTER X.
A GREAT DEAL OF NEGOTIATION, IN WHICH HUMAN SHREWDNESS IS COMPLETELY
SHAMED, AND HUMAN INGENUITY IS SHOWN TO BE OF A VERY SECONDARY QUALITY.


Mr. Poke listened to my account of all that had passed, with a very
sedate gravity. He informed me that he had witnessed so much ingenuity
among the seals, and had known so many brutes that seemed to have the
sagacity of men, and so many men who appeared to have the stupidity of
brutes, that he had no difficulty whatever in believing every word I
told him. He expressed his satisfaction, too, at the prospect of
hearing a lecture on natural philosophy and political economy from the
lips of a monkey; although he took occasion to intimate that no desire
to learn anything lay at the bottom of his compliance; for, in his
country, these matters were pretty generally studied in the district
schools, the very children who ran about the streets of ‘Stunin’tun’
usually knowing more than most of the old people in foreign parts.
Still a monkey might have some new ideas; and for his part, he was
willing to hear what every one had to say; for, if a man didn’t put in
a word for himself in this world, he might be certain no one else would
take the pains to speak for him. But when I came to mention the details
of the programme of the forthcoming interview, and stated that it was
expected the audience would wear their own skins, out of respect to the
ladies, I greatly feared that my friend would have so far excited
himself as to go into fits. The rough old sealer swore some terrible
oaths, protesting “that he would not make a monkey of himself, by
appearing in this garb, for all the monikin philosophers, or high-born
females, that could be stowed in a ship’s hold; that he was very liable
to take cold; that he once knew a man who undertook to play beast in
this manner, and the first thing the poor devil knew, he had great
claws and a tail sprouting out of him; a circumstance that he had
always attributed to a just judgment for striving to make himself more
than Providence had intended him for; that, provided a man’s ears were
naked, he could hear just as well as if his whole body was naked; that
he did not complain of the monkeys going in their skins, and that they
ought, in reason, not to meddle with his clothes; that he should be
scratching himself the whole time, and thinking what a miserable figure
he cut; that he would have no place to keep his tobacco; that he was
apt to be deaf when he was cold; that he would be d——d if he did any
such thing; that human natur’ and monkey natur’ were not the same, and
it was not to be expected that men and monkeys should follow exactly
the same fashions; that the meeting would have the appearance of a
boxing match, instead of a philosophical lecture; that he never heard
of such a thing at Stunin’tun; that he should feel sneaking at seeing
his own shins in the presence of ladies; that a ship always made better
weather under some canvas than under bare poles; that he might possibly
be brought to his shirt and pantaloons, but as for giving up these, he
would as soon think of cutting the sheet-anchor off his bows, with the
vessel driving on a lee-shore; that flesh and blood were flesh and
blood, and they liked their comfort; that he should think the whole
time he was about to go in a-swimming, and should be looking about for
a good place to dive”; together with a great many more similar
objections, that have escaped me in the multitude of things of greater
interest which have since occupied my time. I have frequently had
occasion to observe, that, when a man has one good, solid reason for
his decision, it is no easy matter to shake it; but, that he who has a
great many, usually finds them of far less account in the struggle of
opinions. Such proved to be the fact with Captain Poke on the present
occasion. I succeeded in stripping him of his garments, one by one,
until I got him reduced to the shirt, where, like a stout ship that is
easily brought to her bearings by the breeze, he “stuck and hung” in a
manner to manifest it would require a heavy strain to bring him down
any lower. A lucky thought relieved us all from the dilemma. There were
a couple of good large bison-skins among my effects, and on suggesting
to Dr. Reasono the expediency of encasing Captain Poke in the folds of
one of them, the philosopher cheerfully assented, observing that any
object of a natural and simple formation was agreeable to the monikin
senses; their objections were merely to the deformities of art, which
they deemed to be so many offences against Providence. On this
explanation, I ventured to hint that, being still in the infancy of the
new civilization, it would be very agreeable to my ancient habits,
could I be permitted to use one of the skins, also, while Mr. Poke
occupied the other. Not the slightest objection was raised to the
proposal, and measures were immediately taken to prepare us to appear
in good company. Soon after I received from Dr. Reasono a protocol of
the conditions that were to regulate the approaching interview. This
document was written in Latin, out of respect to the ancients, and as I
afterwards understood, it was drawn up by my Lord Chatterino, who had
been educated for the diplomatic career at home, previously to the
accident which had thrown him, alas! into human hands. I translate it
freely, for the benefit of the ladies, who usually prefer their own
tongues to any others.

Protocol of an interview that is to take place between Sir John
Goldencalf, Bart., of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great
Britain, and No. 22,817, brown-study color, or Socrates Reasono,
F.U.D.G.E., Professor of Probabilities in the University of Monikinia,
and in the kingdom of Leaphigh:

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:

ARTICLE 1. That there shall be an interview.

ART. 2. That the said interview shall be a peaceable interview, and not
a belligerent interview.

ART. 3. That the said interview shall be logical, explanatory, and
discursory.

ART. 4. That during said interview, Dr. Reasono shall have the
privilege of speaking most, and Sir John Goldencalf the privilege of
hearing most.

ART. 5. That Sir John Goldencalf shall have the privilege of asking
questions, and Dr. Reasono the privilege of answering them.

ART. 6. That a due regard shall be had to both human and monikin
prejudices and sensibilities.

ART. 7. That Dr. Reasono, and any monikins who may accompany him, shall
smooth their coats, and otherwise dispose of their natural vestments,
in a way that shall be as agreeable as possible to Sir John Goldencalf
and his friend.

ART. 8. That Sir John Goldencalf, and any man who may accompany him,
shall appear in bison-skins, wearing no other clothing, in order to
render themselves as agreeable as possible to Dr. Reasono and his
friends.

ART. 9. That the conditions of this protocol shall be respected.

ART. 10. That any doubtful significations in this protocol shall be
interpreted, as near as may be, in favor of both parties.

ART. 11. That no precedent shall be established to the prejudice of
either the human or the monikin dialect, by the adoption of the Latin
language on this occasion.

Delighted with this proof of attention on the part of my Lord
Chatterino, I immediately left a card for that young nobleman, and then
seriously set about preparing myself, with an increased scrupulousness,
for the fulfilment of the smallest condition of the compact. Captain
Poke was soon ready, and I must say that he looked more like a
quadruped on its hind legs, in his new attire, than a human being. As
for my own appearance, I trust it was such as became my station and
character.

At the appointed time all the parties were assembled, Lord Chatterino
appearing with a copy of the protocol in his hand. This instrument was
formally read, by the young peer, in a very creditable manner, when a
silence ensued, as if to invite comment. I know not how it is, but I
never yet heard the positive stipulations of any bargain, that I did
not feel a propensity to look out for weak places in them. I had begun
to see that the discussion might lead to argument, argument to
comparisons between the two species, and something like an esprit de
corps was stirring within me. It now struck me that a question might be
fairly raised as to the propriety of Dr. Reasono’s appearing with THREE
backers, while I had but ONE. The objection was therefore urged on my
part, I hope, in a modest and conciliatory manner. In reply, my Lord
Chatterino observed, it was true the protocol spoke in general terms of
mutual supporters, but if—

“Sir John Goldencalf would be at the trouble of referring to the
instrument itself, he would see that the backers of Dr. Reasono were
mentioned in the plural number, while that of Sir John himself was
alluded to only in the singular number.”

“Perfectly true, my lord; but you will, however, permit me to remark
that two monikins would completely fulfil the conditions in favor of
Dr. Reasono, while he appears here with three; there certainly must be
some limits to this plurality, or the Doctor would have a right to
attend the interview accompanied by all the inhabitants of Leaphigh.”

“The objection is highly ingenious, and creditable in the last degree
to the diplomatic abilities of Sir John Goldencalf; but, among
monikins, two females are deemed equal to only one male, in the eye of
the law. Thus, in cases which require two witnesses, as in conveyances
of real estate, two male monikins are sufficient, whereas it would be
necessary to have four female signatures, in order to give the
instrument validity. In the legal sense, therefore, I conceive that Dr.
Reasono is attended by only two monikins.”

Captain Poke hereupon observed that this provision in the law of
Leaphigh was a good one; for he often had occasion to remark that
women, quite half the time, did not know what they were about; and he
thought, in general, that they require more ballast than men.

“This reply would completely cover the case, my lord,” I answered,
“were the protocol purely a monikin document, and this assembly purely
a monikin assembly. But the facts are notoriously otherwise. The
document is drawn up in a common vehicle of thought among scholars, and
I gladly seize the opportunity to add, that I do not remember to have
seen a better specimen of modern latinity.”

“It is undeniable, Sir John,” returned Lord Chatterino, waving his tail
in acknowledgment of the compliment, “that the protocol itself is in a
language that has now become common property; but the mere medium of
thought, on such occasions, is of no great moment, provided it is
neutral as respects the contracting parties; moreover, in this
particular case, article 11 of the protocol contains a stipulation that
no legal consequences whatever are to follow the use of the Latin
language; a stipulation that leaves the contracting parties in
possession of their original rights. Now, as the lecture is to be a
monikin lecture, given by a monikin philosopher, and on monikin
grounds, I humbly urge that it is proper the interview should generally
be conducted on monikin principles.”

“If by monikin grounds, is meant monikin ground (which I have a right
to assume, since the greater necessarily includes the less), I beg
leave to remind your lordship, that the parties are, at this moment, in
a neutral country, and that, if either of them can set up a claim of
territorial jurisdiction, or the rights of the flag, these claims must
be admitted to be human, since the locataire of this apartment is a
man, in control of the locus in quo, and pro hac vice, the suzerain.”

“Your ingenuity has greatly exceeded my construction, Sir John, and I
beg leave to amend my plea. All I mean is, that the leading
consideration in this interview, is a monikin interest—that we are met
to propound, explain, digest, animadvert on, and embellish a monikin
theme—that the accessory must be secondary to the principal—that the
lesser must merge, not in your sense, but in my sense, in the
greater—and, by consequence, that—”

“You will accord me your pardon, my dear lord, but I hold—”

“Nay, my good Sir John, I trust to your intelligence to be excused if I
say—”

“One word, my Lord Chatterino, I pray you, in order that—”

“A thousand, very cheerfully, Sir John, but—”

“My Lord Chatterino!”

“Sir John Goldencalf!”

Hereupon we both began talking at the same time, the noble young
monikin gradually narrowing down the direction of his observations to
the single person of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, who, I afterwards had
occasion to know, was an excellent listener; and I, in my turn, after
wandering from eye to eye, settled down into a sort of oration that was
especially addressed to the understanding of Captain Noah Poke. My
auditor contrived to get one ear entirely clear of the bison’s skin,
and nodded approbation of what fell from me, with a proper degree of
human and clannish spirit. We might possibly have harangued in this
desultory manner, to the present time, had not the amiable Chatterissa
advanced, and, with the tact and delicacy which distinguish her sex, by
placing her pretty patte on the mouth of the young nobleman,
effectually checked his volubility. When a horse is running away, he
usually comes to a dead stop, after driving through lanes, and gates,
and turnpikes, the moment he finds himself master of his own movements,
in an open field. Thus, in my own case, no sooner did I find myself in
sole possession of the argument, than I brought it to a close. Dr.
Reasono improved the pause, to introduce a proposition that, the
experiment already made by myself and Lord Chatterino being evidently a
failure, he and Mr. Poke should retire and make an effort to agree upon
an entirely new programme of the proceedings. This happy thought
suddenly restored peace; and, while the two negotiators were absent, I
improved the opportunity to become better acquainted with the lovely
Chatterissa and her female Mentor. Lord Chatterino, who possessed all
the graces of diplomacy, who could turn from a hot and angry
discussion, on the instant, to the most bland and winning courtesy, was
foremost in promoting my wishes, inducing his charming mistress to
throw aside the reserve of a short acquaintance, and to enter, at once,
into a free and friendly discourse.

Some time elapsed before the plenipotentiaries returned, for it appears
that, owing to a constitutional peculiarity, or, as he subsequently
explained it himself, a “Stunin’tun principle,” Captain Poke conceived
he was bound, in a bargain, to dispute every proposition which came
from the other party. This difficulty would probably have proved
insuperable, had not Dr. Reasono luckily bethought him of a frank and
liberal proposal to leave every other article, without reserve, to the
sole dictation of his colleague, reserving to himself the same
privilege for all the rest. Noah, after being well assured that the
philosopher was no lawyer, assented; and the affair, once begun in this
spirit of concession, was soon brought to a close. And here I would
recommend this happy expedient to all negotiators of knotty and
embarrassing treaties, since it enables each party to gain his point,
and probably leaves as few openings for subsequent disputes, as any
other mode that has yet been adopted. The new instrument ran as
follows, it having been written, in duplicate, in English and in
Monikin. It will be seen that the pertinacity of one of the negotiators
gave it very much the character of a capitulation.

PROTOCOL of an Interview, &c., &c., &c.

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:

ARTICLE 1. There shall be an interview.

ART. 2. Agreed; provided all the parties can come and go at pleasure.

ART. 3. The said interview shall be conducted, generally, on
philosophical and liberal principles.

ART. 4. Agreed; provided tobacco may be used at discretion.

ART. 5. That either party shall have the privilege of propounding
questions, and either party the privilege of answering them.

ART. 6. Agreed; provided no one need listen, or no one talk, unless so
disposed.

ART. 7. The attire of all present shall be conformable to the abstract
rules of propriety and decorum.

ART. 8. Agreed; provided the bison-skins may be reefed, from time to
time, according to the state of the weather.

ART. 9. The provisions of this protocol shall be rigidly respected.

ART. 10. Agreed; provided no advantage be taken by lawyers.

Lord Chatterino and myself pounced upon the respective documents like
two hawks, eagerly looking for flaws, or the means of maintaining the
opinions we had before advanced, and which we had both shown so much
cleverness in supporting.

“Why, my lord, there is no provision for the appearance of any monikins
at all at this interview!”

“The generality of the terms leaves it to be inferred that all may come
and go who may be so disposed.”

“Your pardon, my lord; article 8 contains a direct allusion to
BISON-SKINS in the PLURAL, and under circumstances from which it
follows, by a just deduction, that it was contemplated that more than
ONE wearer of the said skins should be present at the said interview.”

“Perfectly just, Sir John; but you will suffer me to observe that by
article 1, it is conditioned that there shall be an interview; and by
article 3, it is furthermore agreed that the said interview shall be
conducted ‘on philosophical and liberal principles’; now, it need
scarcely be urged, good Sir John, that it would be the extreme of
illiberality to deny to one party any privilege that was possessed by
the other.”

“Perfectly just my lord, were this an affair of mere courtesy; but
legal constructions must be made on legal principles, or else, as
jurists and diplomatists, we are all afloat on the illimitable ocean of
conjecture.”

“And yet article 10 expressly stipulates that ‘no advantage shall be
taken by lawyers.’ By considering articles 3 and 10 profoundly and in
conjunction, we learn that it was the intention of the negotiators to
spread the mantle of liberality, apart from all the subtleties and
devices of mere legal practitioners, over the whole proceedings. Permit
me, in corroboration of what is now urged, to appeal to the voices of
those who framed the very conditions about which we are now arguing.
Did YOU, sir,” continued my Lord Chatterino, turning to Captain Poke,
with emphasis and dignity; “did you, sir, when you drew up this
celebrated article 10—did you deem that you were publishing authority
of which the lawyers could take advantage?”

A deep and very sonorous “No,” was the energetic reply of Mr. Poke.

My Lord Chatterino, then turning, with equal grace, to the Doctor,
first diplomatically waving his tail three times, continued:

“And you, sir, in drawing up article 3, did you conceive that you were
supporting and promulgating illiberal principles?”

The question was met by a prompt negative, when the young noble paused,
and looked at me like one who had completely triumphed.

“Perfectly eloquent, completely convincing, irrefutably argumentative,
and unanswerably just, my lord,” I put in; “but I must be permitted to
hint that the validity of all laws is derived from the enactment; now
the enactment, or, in the case of a treaty, the virtue of the
stipulation, is not derived from the intention of the party who may
happen to draw up a law or a clause, but from the assent of the legal
deputies. In the present instance, there are two negotiators, and I now
ask permission to address a few questions to them, reversing the order
of your own interrogatories; and the result may possibly furnish a clue
to the quo animo, in a new light.” Addressing the philosopher, I
continued—“Did YOU, sir, in assenting to article 10, imagine that you
were defeating justice, countenancing oppression, and succoring might
to the injury of right?”

The answer was a solemn, and, I do not doubt, a very conscientious,
“No.”

“And YOU, sir,” turning to Captain Poke, “did you, in assenting to
article 3, in the least conceive that, by any possibility, the foes of
humanity could torture your approbation into the means of determining
that the bison-skin wearers were not to be upon a perfect footing with
the best monikins of the land?”

“Blast me, if I did!”

But, Sir John Goldencalf, the Socratic method of reasoning—”

“Was first resorted to by yourself, my lord—”

“Nay, good Sir—”

“Permit me, my dear lord—”

“Sir John—”

“My lord—”

Hereupon the gentle Chatterissa again advanced, and by another timely
interposition of her graceful tact, she succeeded in preventing the
reply. The parallel of the runaway horse was acted over, and I came to
another stand-still. Lord Chatterino now gallantly proposed that the
whole affair should be referred, with full powers, to the ladies. I
could not refuse; and the plenipotentiaries retired, under a growling
accompaniment of Captain Poke, who pretty plainly declared that women
caused more quarrels than all the rest of the world, and, from the
little he had seen, he expected it would turn out the same with
monikinas.

The female sex certainly possess a facility of composition that is
denied our portion of the creation. In an incredibly short time, the
referees returned with the following programme:

PROTOCOL of an Interview between, &c., &c.

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:

ARTICLE 1. There shall be an amicable, logical, philosophical, ethical,
liberal, general, and controversial interview.

ART. 2. The interview shall be amicable.

ART. 3. The interview shall be general.

ART. 4. The interview shall be logical.

ART. 5. The interview shall be ethical.

ART. 6. The interview shall be philosophical.

ART. 7. The interview shall be liberal.

ART. 8. The interview shall be controversial.

ART. 9. The interview shall be controversial, liberal, philosophical,
ethical, logical, general, and amicable.

ART. 10. The interview shall be as particularly agreed upon.

The cat does not leap upon the mouse with more avidity than Lord
Chatterino and myself pounced upon the third protocol, seeking new
grounds for the argument that each was resolved on.

“Auguste! cher Auguste!” exclaimed the lovely Chatterissa, in the
prettiest Parisian accent I thought I had ever heard—“Pour moi!”

“A moi! monseignear!” I put in, flourishing my copy of the protocol—I
was checked in the midst of this controversial ardor by a tug at the
bison-skin; when, casting a look behind me, I saw Captain Poke winking
and making other signs that he wished to say a word in a corner.

“I think, Sir John,” observed the worthy sealer, “if we ever mean to
let this bargain come to a catastrophe, it might as well be done now.
The females have been cunning, but the deuce is in it if we cannot
weather upon two women before the matter is well over. In Stunin’tun,
when it is thought best to accommodate proposals, why we object and
raise a breeze in the beginning, but towards the end we kinder soften
and mollify, or else trade would come to a stand. The hardest gale must
blow its pipe out. Trust to me to floor the best argument the best
monkey of them all can agitate!”

“This matter is getting serious, Noah, and I am filled with an esprit
de corps. Do you not begin yourself to feel human?”

“Kinder; but more bisonish than anything else. Let them go on, Sir
John; and, when the time comes, we will take them aback, or set me down
as a pettifogger.”

The Captain winked knowingly; and I began to see that there was some
sense in his opinion. On rejoining our friends, or allies, I scarce
know which to call them, I found that the amiable Chatterissa had
equally calmed the diplomatic ardor of her lover, again, and we now met
on the best possible terms. The protocol was accepted by acclamation;
and preparations were instantly commenced for the lecture of Dr.
Reasono.




CHAPTER XI.
A PHILOSOPHY THAT IS BOTTOMED ON SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL—SOME REASONS
PLAINLY PRESENTED, AND CAVILLING OBJECTIONS PUT TO FLIGHT BY A CHARGE
OF LOGICAL BAYONETS.


Dr. Reasono was quite as reasonable, in the personal embellishments of
his lyceum, as any public lecturer I remember to have seen, who was
required to execute his functions in the presence of ladies. If I say
that his coat had been brushed, his tail newly curled, and that his air
was a little more than usually “solemnized,” as Captain Poke described
it in a decent whisper, I believe all will be said that is either
necessary or true. He placed himself behind a foot-stool, which served
as a table, smoothed its covering a little with his paws, and at once
proceeded to business. It may be well to add that he lectured without
notes, and, as the subject did not immediately call for experiments,
without any apparatus.

Waving his tail towards the different parts of the room in which his
audience were seated, the philosopher commenced.

“As the present occasion, my hearers,” he said, “is one of those
accidental calls upon science, to which all belonging to the academies
are liable, and does not demand more than the heads of our thesis to be
explained, I shall not dig into the roots of the subject, but limit
myself to such general remarks as may serve to furnish the outlines of
our philosophy, natural, moral, and political—”

“How, sir,” I cried, “have you a political as well as a moral
philosophy?”

“Beyond a question; and a very useful philosophy it is. No interests
require more philosophy than those connected with politics. To
resume—our philosophy, natural, moral and political, reserving most of
the propositions, demonstrations, and corollaries, for greater leisure,
and a more advanced state of information in the class. Prescribing to
myself these salutary limits, therefore, I shall begin only with
nature.

“Nature is a term that we use to express the pervading and governing
principle of created things. It is known both as a generic and a
specific term, signifying in the former character the elements and
combinations of omnipotence, as applied to matter in general, and in
the latter its particular subdivisions, in connection with matter in
its infinite varieties. It is moreover subdivided into its physical and
moral attributes, which admit also of the two grand distinctions just
named. Thus, when we say nature, in the abstract, meaning physically,
we should be understood as alluding to those general, uniform,
absolute, consistent, and beautiful laws, which control and render
harmonious, as a great whole, the entire action, affinities, and
destinies of the universe; and when we say nature in the speciality, we
would be understood to speak of the nature of a rock, of a tree, of
air, fire, water, and land. Again, in alluding to a moral nature in the
abstract, we mean sin, and its weaknesses, its attractions, its
deformities-in a word, its totality; while, on the other hand, when we
use the term, in this sense, under the limits of a speciality, we
confine its signification to the particular shades of natural qualities
that mark the precise object named. Let us illustrate our positions by
a few brief examples.

“When we say ‘Oh nature, how art thou glorious, sublime,
instructive!’—we mean that her laws emanate from a power of infinite
intelligence and perfection; and when we say ‘Oh nature, how art thou
frail, vain and insufficient!’ we mean that she is, after all, but a
secondary quality, inferior to that which brought her into existence,
for definite, limited, and, doubtless, useful purposes. In these
examples we treat the principle in the abstract.

“The examples of nature in the speciality will be more familiar, and,
although in no degree more true, will be better understood by the
generality of my auditors. Especial nature, in the physical
signification, is apparent to the senses, and is betrayed in the
outward forms of things, through their force, magnitude, substance, and
proportions, and, in its more mysterious properties, to examination, by
their laws, harmony, and action. Especial moral nature is denoted in
the different propensities, capacities, and conduct of the different
classes of all moral beings. In this latter sense we have monikin
nature, dog nature, horse nature, hog nature, human nature—”

“Permit me, Dr. Reasono,” I interrupted, “to inquire if, by this
classification, you intend to convey more than may be understood by the
accidental arrangement of your examples?”

“Purely the latter, I do assure you, Sir John.”

“And do you admit the great distinctions of animal and vegetable
natures?”

“Our academies are divided on this point. One school contends that all
living nature is to be embraced in a great comprehensive genus, while
another admits of the distinctions you have named. I am of the latter
opinion, inclining to the belief that nature herself has drawn the line
between the two classes, by bestowing on one the double gift of the
moral and physical nature, and by withdrawing the former from the
other. The existence of the moral nature is denoted by the presence of
the will. The academy of Leaphigh has made an elaborate classification
of all the known animals, of which the sponge is at the bottom of the
list, and the monikin at the top!”

“Sponges are commonly uppermost,” growled Noah.

“Sir,” said I, with a disagreeable rising at the throat, “am I to
understand that your savans account man an animal in a middle state
between a sponge and a monkey?”

“Really, Sir John, this warmth is quite unsuited to philosophical
discussion—if you continue to indulge in it, I shall find myself
compelled to postpone the lecture.”

At this rebuke I made a successful effort to restrain myself, although
my esprit de corps nearly choked me. Intimating, as well as I could, a
change of purpose, Dr. Reasono, who had stood suspended over his table
with an air of doubt, waved his tail, and proceeded:—

“Sponges, oysters, crabs, sturgeons, clams, toads, snakes, lizards,
skunks, opossums, ant-eaters, baboons, negroes, wood-chucks, lions,
Esquimaux, sloths, hogs, Hottentots, ourang-outangs, men and monikins,
are, beyond a question, all animals. The only disputed point among us
is, whether they are all of the same genus, forming varieties or
species, or whether they are to be divided into the three great
families of the improvables, the unimprovables, and the retrogressives.
They who maintain that we form but one great family, reason by certain
conspicuous analogies, that serve as so many links to unite the great
chain of the animal world. Taking man as a centre, for instance, they
show that this creature possesses, in common with every other creature,
some observable property. Thus, man is, in one particular, like a
sponge; in another, he is like an oyster; a hog is like a man; the
skunk has one peculiarity of a man; the ourang-outang another; the
sloth another—”

“King!”

“And so on, to the end of the chapter. This school of philosophers,
while it has been very ingeniously supported, is not, however, the one
most in favor just at this moment in the academy of Leaphigh—”

“Just at this moment, Doctor!”

“Certainly, sir. Do you not know that truths, physical as well as
moral, undergo their revolutions, the same as all created nature? The
academy has paid great attention to this subject; and it issues
annually an almanac, in which the different phases, the revolutions,
the periods, the eclipses, whether partial or total, the distances from
the centre of light, the apogee and perigee of all the more prominent
truths, are calculated with singular accuracy; and by the aid of which
the cautious are enabled to keep themselves, as near as possible,
within the bounds of reason. We deem this effort of the monikin mind as
the sublimest of all its inventions, and as furnishing the strongest
known evidence of its near approach to the consummation of our earthly
destiny. This is not the place to dwell on that particular point of our
philosophy, however; and, for the present, we will postpone the
subject.”

“Yet you will permit me, Dr. Reasono, in virtue of clause 1, article 5,
protocol No. 1 (which protocol, if not absolutely adopted, must be
supposed to contain the spirit of that which was), to inquire whether
the calculations of the revolutions of truth, do not lead to dangerous
moral extravagances, ruinous speculations in ideas, and serve to
unsettle society?”

The philosopher withdrew a moment with my Lord Chatterino, to consult
whether it would be prudent to admit of the validity of protocol No. 1,
even in this indirect manner; whereupon it was decided between them,
that, as such admission would lay open all the vexatious questions that
had just been so happily disposed of, clause 1 of article 5 having a
direct connection with clause 2; clauses 1 and 2 forming the whole
article; and the said article 5, in its entirety, forming an integral
portion of the whole instrument; and the doctrine of constructions,
enjoining that instruments are to be construed like wills, by their
general, and not by their especial tendencies, it would be dangerous to
the objects of the interview to allow the application to be granted.
But, reserving a protest against the concession being interpreted into
a precedent, it might be well to concede that as an act of courtesy,
which was denied as a right. Hereupon, Dr. Reasono informed me that
these calculations of the revolutions of truth DID lead to certain
moral extravagances, and in many instances to ruinous speculations in
ideas; that the academy of Leaphigh, and, so far as his information
extended, the academy of every other country, had found the subject of
truth, more particularly moral truth, the one of all others the most
difficult to manage, the most likely to be abused, and the most
dangerous to promulgate. I was moreover promised, at a future day, some
illustrations of this branch of the subject.

“To pursue the more regular thread of my lecture,” continued Dr.
Reasono, when he had politely made this little digression, “we now
divide these portions of the created world into animated and vegetable
nature; the former is again divided into the improvable, and the
unimprovable, and the retrogressive. The improvable embraces all those
species which are marching, by slow, progressive, but immutable
mutations, towards the perfection of terrestrial life, or to that last,
elevated, and sublime condition of mortality, in which the material
makes its final struggle with the immaterial—mind with matter. The
improvable class of animals, agreeably to the monikin dogmas, commences
with those species in which matter has the most unequivocal ascendency,
and terminates with those in which mind is as near perfection as this
mortal coil will allow. We hold that mind and matter, in that
mysterious union which connects the spiritual with the physical being,
commence in the medium state, undergoing, not, as some men have
pretended, transmigrations of the soul only, but such gradual and
imperceptible changes of both soul and body, as have peopled the world
with so many wonderful beings—wonderful, mentally and physically; and
all of which (meaning all of the improvable class) are no more than
animals of the same great genus, on the high road of tendencies, who
are advancing towards the last stage of improvement, previously to
their final translation to another planet, and a new existence.

“The retrogressive class is composed of those specimens which, owing to
their destiny, take a false direction; which, instead of tending to the
immaterial, tend to the material; which gradually become more and more
under the influence of matter, until, by a succession of physical
translations, the will is eventually lost, and they become incorporated
with the earth itself. Under this last transformation, these purely
materialized beings are chemically analyzed in the great laboratory of
nature, and their component parts are separated; thus the bones become
rocks, the flesh earth, the spirits air, the blood water, the gristle
clay and the ashes of the will are converted into the element of fire.
In this class we enumerate whales, elephants, hippopotami, and divers
other brutes, which visibly exhibit accumulations of matter that must
speedily triumph over the less material portions of their natures.”

“And yet, Doctor, there are facts that militate against the theory; the
elephant, for instance, is accounted one of the most intelligent of all
the quadrupeds.”

“A mere false demonstration, sir. Nature delights in these little
equivocations; thus, we have false suns, false rainbows, false
prophets, false vision, and even false philosophy. There are entire
races of both our species, too, as the Congo and the Esquimaux, for
yours, and baboons and the common monkeys, that inhabit various parts
of the world possessed by the human species, for ours, which are mere
shadows of the forms and qualities that properly distinguish the animal
in its state of protection.”

“How, sir! are you not, then, of the same family as all the other
monkeys that we see hopping and skipping about the streets?”

“No more, sir, than you are of the same family as the flat-nosed,
thick-lipped, low-browed, ink-skinned negro, or the squalid,
passionless, brutalized Esquimaux. I have said that nature delights in
vagaries; and all these are no more than some of her mystifications. Of
this class is the elephant, who, while verging nearest to pure
materialism, makes a deceptive parade of the quality he is fast losing.
Instances of this species of playing trumps, if I may so express it,
are common in all classes of beings. How often, for instance, do men,
just as they are about to fail, make a parade of wealth, women seem
obdurate an hour before they capitulate, and diplomatists call Heaven
to be a witness of their resolutions to the contrary, the day before
they sign and seal! In the case of the elephant, however, there is a
slight exception to the general rule, which is founded on an
extraordinary struggle between mind and matter, the former making an
effort that is unusual, and which may be said to form an exception to
the ordinary warfare between these two principles, as it is commonly
conducted in the retrogressive class of animals. The most infallible
sign of the triumph of mind over matter, is in the development of the
tail—”

“King!”

“Of the tail, Dr. Reasono?”

“By all means, sir—that seat of reason, the tail! Pray, Sir John, what
other portion of our frames did you imagine was indicative of
intellect?”

“Among men, Dr. Reasono, it is commonly thought the head is the more
honorable member, and, of late, we have made analytical maps of this
part of our physical formation, by which it is pretended to know the
breadth and length of a moral quality, no less than its boundaries.”

“You have made the best use of your materials, such as they were, and I
dare say the map in question, all things considered, is a very clever
performance. But in the complication and abstruseness of this very
moral chart (one of which I perceive standing on your mantelpiece), you
may learn the confusion which still reigns over the human intellect.
Now, in regarding us, you can understand the very converse of your
dilemma. How much easier, for instance, is it to take a yard-stick, and
by a simple admeasurement of a tail, come to a sound, obvious and
incontrovertible conclusion as to the extent of the intellect of the
specimen, than by the complicated, contradictory, self-balancing and
questionable process to which you are reduced! Were there only this
fact, it would abundantly establish the higher moral condition of the
monikinrace, as it is compared with that of man.”

“Dr. Reasono, am I to understand that the monikin family seriously
entertain a position so extravagant as this; that a monkey is a
creature more intellectual and more highly civilized than man?”

“Seriously, good Sir John! Why you are the first respectable person it
has been my fortune to meet, who has even affected to doubt the fact.
It is well known that both belong to the improvable class of animals,
and that monkeys, as you are pleased to term us, were once men, with
all their passions, weaknesses, inconsistencies, mode of philosophy,
unsound ethics, frailties, incongruities and subserviency to matter;
that they passed into the monikin state by degrees, and that large
divisions of them are constantly evaporating into the immaterial world,
completely spiritualized and free from the dross of flesh. I do not
mean in what is called death—for that is no more than an occasional
deposit of matter to be resumed in a new aspect, and with a nearer
approach to the grand results (whether of the improvable or of the
retrogressive classes)—but those final mutations which transfer us to
another planet, to enjoy a higher state of being, and leaving us always
on the high road towards final excellence.”

“All this is very ingenious, sir; but before you can persuade me into
the belief that man is an animal inferior to a monkey, Dr. Reasono, you
will allow me to say that you must prove it.”

“Ay, ay, or me, either,” put in Captain Poke, waspishly.

“Were I to cite my proofs, gentlemen,” continued the philosopher, whose
spirit appeared to be much less moved by our doubts than ours were by
his position—“I should in the first place refer you to history. All the
monikin writers are agreed in recording the gradual translation of the
species from the human family—”

“This may do very well, sir, for the latitude of Leaphigh, but permit
me to say that no human historian, from Moses down to Buffon, has ever
taken such a view of our respective races. There is not a word in any
of all these writers on the subject.”

“How should there be, sir? History is not a prediction, but a record of
the past. Their silence is so much negative proof in our favor. Does
Tacitus, for instance, speak of the French revolution? Is not Herodotus
silent on the subject of the independence of the American continent?—or
do any of the Greek and Roman writers give us the annals of
Stunin’tun—a city whose foundations were most probably laid some time
after the commencement of the Christian era? It is morally impossible
that men or monikins can faithfully relate events that have never
happened; and as it has never yet happened to any man, who is still a
man, to be translated to the monikin state of being, it follows, as a
necessary consequence, that he can know nothing about it. If you want
historical proof, therefore, of what I say, you must search the monikin
annals for evidence. There it is to be found with an infinity of
curious details; and I trust the time is not far distant, when I shall
have great pleasure in pointing out to you some of the most approved
chapters of our best writers on this subject. But we are not confined
to the testimony of history, in establishing our condition to be of the
secondary formation. The internal evidence is triumphant; we appeal to
our simplicity, our philosophy, the state of the arts among us, in
short, to all those concurrent proofs which are dependent on the
highest possible state of civilization. In addition to this, we have
the infallible testimony which is to be derived from the development of
our tails. Our system of caudology is, in itself, a triumphant proof of
the high improvement of the monikin reason.”

“Do I comprehend you aright, Dr. Reasono, when I understand your system
of caudology, or tailology, to render it into the vernacular, to
dogmatize on the possibility that the seat of reason in man, which
to-day is certainly in his brains, can ever descend into a tail?”

“If you deem development, improvement and simplification a descent,
beyond a question, sir. But your figure is a bad one, Sir John; for
ocular demonstration is before you, that a monikin can carry his tail
as high as a man can possibly carry his head. Our species, in this
sense, is morally nicked; and it costs us no effort to be on a level
with human kings. We hold, with you, that the brain is the seat of
reason, while the animal is in what we call the human probation, but
that it is a reason undeveloped, imperfect, and confused; cased, as it
were, in an envelope unsuited to its functions; but that, as it
gradually oozes out of this straitened receptable towards the base of
the animal, it acquires solidity, lucidity, and, finally, by elongation
and development, point. If you examine the human brain, you will find
it, though capable of being stretched to a great length, compressed in
a diminutive compass, involved and snarled; whereas the same physical
portion of the genus gets simplicity, a beginning and an end, a
directness and consecutiveness that are necessary to logic, and, as has
just been mentioned, a point, in the monikin seat of reason, which, by
all analogy, go to prove the superiority of the animal possessing
advantages so great.”

“Nay, sir, if you come to analogies, they will be found to prove more
than you may wish. In vegetation, for instance, saps ascend for the
purposes of fructification and usefulness; and, reasoning from the
analogies of the vegetable world, it is far more probable that tails
have ascended into brains than that brains have descended into tails;
and, consequently, that men are much more likely to be an improvement
on monkeys, than monkeys an improvement on men.”

I spoke with warmth, I know; for the doctrine of Dr. Reasono was new to
me; and by this time, my esprit de corps had pretty effectually blinded
reflection.

“You gave him a red-hot shot that time, Sir John,” whispered Captain
Poke at my elbow; “now, if you are so disposed, I will wring the necks
of all these little blackguards, and throw them out of the window.”

I immediately intimated that any display of brute force would militate
directly against our cause; as the object, just at that moment, was to
be as immaterial as possible.

“Well, well, manage it in your own way, Sir John, and I’m quite as
immaterial as you can wish; but should these cunning varments ra’ally
get the better of us in the argument, I shall never dare look at Miss
Poke, or show my face ag’in in Stunin’tun.”

This little aside was secretly conducted, while Dr. Reasono was
drinking a glass of eau sucre; but he soon returned to the subject,
with the dignified gravity that never forsook him.

“Your remark touching saps has the usual savor of human ingenuity,
blended, however, with the proverbial short-sightedness of the species.
It is very true that saps ascend for fructification; but what is this
fructification, to which you allude? It is no more than a false
demonstration of the energies of the plant. For all the purposes of
growth, life, durability, and the final conversion of the vegetable
matter into an element, the root is the seat of power and authority;
and, in particular, the tap-root above or rather below all others. This
tap-root may be termed the tail of vegetation. You may pluck fruits
with impunity—nay, you may even top all the branches, and the tree
shall survive; but, put the axe to the root, and the pride of the
forest falls.”

All this was too evidently true to be denied, and I felt worried and
badgered; for no man likes to be beaten in a discussion of this sort,
and more especially by a monkey. I bethought me of the elephant, and
determined to make one more thrust, by the aid of his powerful tusks,
before I gave up the point.

“I am inclined to think, Dr. Reasono,” I put in as soon as possible,
“that your savans have not been very happy in illustrating their theory
by means of the elephant. This animal, besides being a mass of flesh,
is too well provided with intellect to be passed off for a dunce; and
he not only has ONE, but he might almost be said to be provided with
TWO tails.”

“That has been his chief misfortune, sir. Matter, in the great warfare
between itself and mind, has gone on the principle of ‘divide and
conquer.’ You are nearer the truth than you imagined, for the trunk of
the elephant is merely the abortion of a tail; and yet, you see, it
contains nearly all the intelligence that the animal possesses. On the
subject of the fate of the elephant, however, theory is confirmed by
actual experiment. Do not your geologists and naturalists speak of the
remains of animals, which are no longer to be found among living
things?”

“Certainly, sir; the mastodon—the megatherium, iguanodon; and the
plesiosaurus—”

“And do you not also find unequivocal evidences of animal matter
incorporated with rocks?”

“This fact must be admitted, too.”

“These phenomena, as you call them, are no more than the final deposits
which nature has made in the cases of those creatures in which matter
has completely overcome its rival, mind. So soon as the will is
entirely extinct, the being ceases to live; or it is no longer an
animal. It falls and reverts altogether to the element of matter. The
processes of decomposition and incorporation are longer, or shorter,
according to circumstances; and these fossil remains of which your
writers say so much, are merely cases that have met with accidental
obstacles to their final decomposition. As respects our two species, a
very cursory examination of their qualities ought to convince any
candid mind of the truth of our philosophy. Thus, the physical part of
man is much greater in proportion to the spiritual, than it is in the
monikin; his habits are grosser and less intellectual; he requires
sauce and condiments in his food; he is farther removed from
simplicity, and, by necessary implication, from high civilization; he
eats flesh, a certain proof that the material principle is still strong
in the ascendant; he has no cauda—-”

“On this point, Dr. Reasono, I would inquire if your scholars attach
any weight to traditions?”

“The greatest possible, sir. It is the monikin tradition that our
species is composed of men refined, of diminished matter and augmented
minds, with the seat of reason extricated from the confinement and
confusion of the caput, and extended, unravelled, and rendered logical
and consecutive, in the cauda.”

“Well, sir, WE too have our traditions; and an eminent writer, at no
great distance of time, has laid it down as incontrovertible, that men
once HAD caudae.”

“A mere prophetic glance into the future, as coming events are known to
cast their shadows before.”

“Sir, the philosopher in question establishes his position, by pointing
to the stumps.”

“He has unluckily mistaken a foundation-stone for a ruin! Such errors
are not unfrequent with the ardent and ingenious. That men WILL have
tails, I make no doubt; but that they HAVE ever reached this point of
perfection, I do most solemnly deny. There are many premonitory
symptoms of their approaching this condition; the current opinions of
the day, the dress, habits, fashions, and philosophy of the species,
encourage the belief; but hitherto you have never reached the enviable
distinction. As to traditions, even your own are all in favor of our
theory. Thus, for instance, you have a tradition that the earth was
once peopled by giants. Now, this is owing to the fact that men were
formerly more under the influence of matter, and less under that of
mind than to day. You admit that you diminish in size, and improve in
moral attainments; all of which goes to establish the truth of the
monikin philosophy. You begin to lay less stress on physical, and more
on moral excellences; and, in short, many things show that the time for
the final liberation and grand development of your brains, is not far
distant. This much I very gladly concede; for, while the dogmas of our
schools are not to be disregarded, I very cheerfully admit that you are
our fellow-creatures, though in a more infant and less improved
condition of society.”

“King!”

Here Dr. Reasono announced the necessity of taking a short intermission
in order to refresh himself. I retired with Captain Poke, to have a
little communication with my fellow-mortal, under the peculiar
circumstances in which we were placed, and to ask his opinion of what
had been said. Noah swore bitterly at some of the conclusions of the
monikin philosopher, affirming that he should like no better sport than
to hear him lecture in the streets of Stunin’tun, where, he assured me,
such doctrine would not be tolerated any longer than was necessary to
sharpen a harpoon, or to load a gun. Indeed, he did not know but the
Doctor would be incontinently kicked over into Rhode Island, without
ceremony.

“For that matter,” continued the indignant old sealer, “I should ask no
better sport than to have permission to put the big toe of my right
foot, under full sail, against the part of the blackguard where his
beloved tail is stepped. That would soon bring him to reason. Why, as
for his cauda, if you will believe me, Sir John, I once saw a man, on
the coast of Patagonia—a savage, to be sure, and not a philosopher, as
this fellow pretends to be—who had an outrigger of this sort, as long
as a ship’s ringtail-boom. And what was he, after all, but a poor devil
who did not know a sea-lion from a grampus!”

This assertion of Captain Poke relieved my mind considerably; and
laying aside the bison-skin, I asked him to have the goodness to
examine the localities, with some particularity, about the termination
of the dorsal bone, in order to ascertain if there were any encouraging
signs to be discovered. Captain Poke put on his spectacles, for time
had brought the worthy mariner to their use, as he said, “whenever he
had occasion to read fine print”; and, after some time, I had the
satisfaction to hear him declare, that if it was a cauda I wanted,
there was as good a place to step one, as could be found about any
monkey in the universe; “and you have only to say the word, Sir John,
and I will just step into the next room, and by the help of my knife
and a little judgment in choosing, I’ll fit you out with a
jury-article, which, if there be any ra’al vartue in this sort of
thing, will qualify you at once to be a judge, or, for that matter, a
bishop.”

We were now summoned again to the lecture-room, and I had barely time
to thank Captain Poke for his obliging offer, which circumstances just
then, however, forbade my accepting.




CHAPTER XII.
BETTER AND BETTER—A HIGHER FLIGHT OF REASON—MORE OBVIOUS TRUTHS, DEEPER
PHILOSOPHY, AND FACTS THAT EVEN AN OSTRICH MIGHT DIGEST.


“I gladly quit what I fear some present may have considered the
personal part of my lecture,” resumed Dr. Reasono, “to turn to those
portions of the theme that should possess a common interest, awaken
common pride, and excite common felicitations. I now propose to say a
few words on that part of our natural philosophy which is connected
with the planetary system, the monikin location—and, as a consequence
from both, the creation of the world.”

“Although dying with impatience to be enlightened on all these
interesting points, you will grant me leave to inquire en passant, Dr.
Reasono, if your savans receive the Mosaic account of the creation or
not.”

“As far as it corroborates our own system, sir, and no farther. There
would be a manifest inconsistency in our giving an antagonistic
validity to any hostile theory, let it come from Moses or Aaron; as one
of your native good sense and subsequent cultivation will readily
perceive.”

“Permit me to intimate, Dr. Reasono, that the distinction your
philosophers take in this matter, is directly opposed to a very
arbitrary canon in the law of evidence, which dictates the necessity of
repudiating the whole of a witness’s testimony, when we repudiate a
part.”

“That may be a human, but it is not a monikin distinction. So far from
admitting the soundness of the principle, we hold that no monikin is
ever wholly right, or that he will be wholly right, so long as he
remains in the least under the influence of matter; and we therefore
winnow the false from the true, rejecting the former as worse than
useless, while we take the latter as the nutriment of facts.”

“I now repeat my apologies for so often interrupting you, venerable and
learned sir; and I entreat you will not waste another moment in
replying to my interrogatories, but proceed at once to an explanation
of your planetary system, or of any other little thing it may suit your
convenience to mention. When one listens to a real philosopher, one is
certain to learn something that is either useful or agreeable, let the
subject be what it may.”

“By the monikin philosophy, gentlemen,” continued Dr. Reasono, “we
divide the great component parts of this earth into land and water.
These two principles we term the primary elements. Human philosophy has
added air and fire to the list; but these we reject either entirely, or
admit them only as secondary elements. That neither air nor fire is a
primary element, may be proved by experiment. Thus, air can be formed,
in the quality of gases, can be rendered pure or foul; is dependent on
evaporation, being no more than ordinary matter in a state of high
rarefaction. Fire has no independent existence, requires fuel for its
support, and is evidently a property that is derived from the
combinations of other principles. Thus, by putting two or more billets
of wood together, by rapid friction you produce fire. Abstract the air
suddenly, and your fire becomes extinct; abstract the wood, and you
have the same result. From these two experiments it is shown that fire
has no independent existence, and therefore is not an element. On the
other hand, take a billet of wood and let it be completely saturated
with water; the wood acquires a new property (as also by the
application of fire, which converts it into ashes and air), for its
specific gravity is increased, it becomes less inflammable, emits vapor
more readily, and yields less readily to the blow of the axe. Place the
same billet under a powerful screw, and a vessel beneath. Compress the
billet, and by a sufficient application of force, you will have the
wood, perfectly dry, left beneath the screw, and the vessel will
contain water. Thus is it shown that land (all vegetable matter being
no more than fungi of the earth) is a. primary element, and that water
is also a primary element; while air and fire are not.

“Having established the elements, I shall, for brevity’s sake, suppose
the world created. In the beginning, the orb was placed in vacuum,
stationary, and with its axis perpendicular to the plane of what is now
called its orbit. Its only revolution was the diurnal.”

“And the changes of the seasons?”

“Had not yet taken place. The days and nights were equal; there were no
eclipses; the same stars were always visible. This state of the earth
is supposed, from certain geological proofs, to have continued about a
thousand years, during which time the struggle between mind and matter
was solely confined to quadrupeds. Man is thought to have made his
appearance, so far as our documents go to establish the fact, about the
year of the world one thousand and three. About this period, too, it is
supposed that fire was generated by the friction of the earth’s axis,
while making the diurnal movement; or, as some imagine, by the friction
of the periphery of the orb, rubbing against vacuum at the rate of so
many miles in a minute. The fire penetrating the crust, soon got access
to the bodies of water that fill the cavities of the earth. From this
time is to be dated the existence of a new and most important agent in
the terrestrial phenomena, called steam. Vegetation now began to
appear, as the earth received warmth from within—”

“Pray, sir, may I ask in what manner all the animals existed
previously?”

“By feeding on each other. The strong devoured the weak, until the most
diminutive of the animalcula were reached, when these turned on their
persecutors, and profiting by their insignificance, commenced devouring
the strongest. You find daily parallels to this phenomenon in the
history of man. He who by his energy and force has triumphed over his
equals, is frequently the prey of the insignificant and vile. You
doubtless know that the polar regions even in the original attitude of
the earth, owing to their receiving the rays of the sun obliquely, must
have possessed a less genial climate than the parts of the orb that lie
between the arctic and the antarctic circles. This was a wise provision
of Providence to prevent a premature occupation of those chosen
regions, or to cause them to be left uninhabited, until mind had so far
mastered matter, as to have brought into existence the first monikin.”

“May I venture to ask to what epoch you refer the appearance of the
first of your species?”

“To the monikin epocha, beyond a doubt, sir—but if you mean to ask in
what year of the world this event took place, I should answer, about
the year 4017. It is true that certain of our writers affect to think
that divers men were approaching to the sublimation of the monikin
mind, previously to this period; but the better opinion is, that these
cases were no more than what are termed premonitory. Thus, Socrates,
Plato, Confucius, Aristotle, Euclid, Zeno, Diogenes, and Seneca, were
merely so many admonishing types of the future condition of man,
indicating their near approach to the monikin, or to the final
translation.”

“And Epicurus—”

“Was an exaggeration of the material principle, that denoted the
retrogression of a large portion of the race towards brutality and
matter. These phenomena are still of daily occurrence.”

“Do you then hold the opinion, for instance, Dr. Reasono, that Socrates
is now a monikin philosopher, with his brain unravelled and rendered
logically consecutive, and that Epicurus is transformed perchance into
a hippopotamus or a rhinoceros, with tusks, horns, and hide?”

“You quite mistake our dogmas, Sir John. We do not believe in
transmigration in the individual at all, but in the transmigration of
classes. Thus, we hold that whenever a given generation of men, in a
peculiar state of society, attain, in the aggregate, a certain degree
of moral improvement, or mentality, as we term it in the schools, that
there is an admixture of their qualities in masses, some believe by
scores, others think by hundreds, and others again pretend by
thousands; and if it is found, by the analysis that is regularly
instituted by nature, that the proportions are just, the material is
consigned to the monikin birth; if not, it is repudiated, and either
kneaded anew for another human experiment, or consigned to the vast
stores of dormant matter. Thus all individuality, so far as it is
connected with the past, is lost.”

“But, sir, existing facts contradict one of the most important of your
propositions; while you admit that a want of a change in the seasons
would be a consequence of the perpendicularity of the earth’s axis to
the plane of its present orbit, this change in the seasons is a matter
not to be denied. Flesh and blood testify against you here, no less
than reason.”

“I spoke of things as they were, sir, previously to the birth of the
monikinia; since which time a great, salutary, harmonious, and
contemplated alteration has occurred. Nature had reserved the polar
region for the new species, with divers obvious and benevolent
purposes. They were rendered uninhabitable by the obliquity of the
sun’s rays; and though matter, in the shape of mastodons and whales,
with an instinct of its antagonistic destination, had frequently
invaded their precincts, it was only to leave the remains of the first
embedded in fields of ice, memorials of the uselessness of struggling
against destiny, and to furnish proofs of the same great truth in the
instance of the others; who, if they did enter the polar basins as
masters of the great deep, either left their bones there, or returned
in the same characters as they went. From the appearance of animal
nature on the earth, down to the period when the monikin race arose,
the regions in question were not only uninhabited, but virtually
uninhabitable. When, however, nature, always wary, wise, beneficent,
and never to be thwarted, had prepared the way, those phenomena were
exhibited that cleared the road for the new species. I have alluded to
the internal struggle between fire and water, and to their progeny,
steam. This new agent was now required to act. A moment’s attention to
the manner in which the next great step in the progress of civilization
was made, will show with what foresight and calculation our common
mother had established her laws. The earth is flattened at the poles,
as is well imagined by some of the human philosophers, in consequence
of its diurnal movement commencing while the ball was still in a state
of fusion, which naturally threw off a portion of the unkneaded matter
towards the periphery. This was not done without the design of
accomplishing a desired end. The matter that was thus accumulated at
the equator, was necessarily abstracted from other parts; and in this
manner the crust of the globe became thinnest at the poles. When a
sufficiency of steam had been generated in the centre of the ball, a
safety-valve was evidently necessary to prevent a total disruption. As
there was no other machinist than nature, she worked with her own
tools, and agreeably to her own established laws. The thinnest portions
of the crust opportunely yielded to prevent a catastrophe, when the
superfluous and heated vapor escaped, in a right line with the earth’s
axis, into vacuum. This phenomenon occurred, as nearly as we have been
able to ascertain, about the year 700 before the Christian era
commenced, or some two centuries previously to the birth of the first
monikins.”

“And why so early, may I presume to inquire, Doctor?”

“Simply that there might be time for the new climate to melt the ice
that had accumulated about the islands and continents of that region
(for it was only at the southern extremity of the earth that the
explosion had taken place), in the course of so many centuries. Two
hundred and seventy years of the active and unremitted agency of steam
sufficed for this end; since the accomplishment of which, the monikin
race has been in the undisturbed enjoyment of the whole territory,
together with its blessed fruits.”

“Am I to understand,” asked Captain Poke, with more interest than he
had before manifested in the philosopher’s lecture, “that your folks,
when at hum’, live to the south’ard of the belt of ice that we mariners
always fall in with somewhere about the parallel of 77 degrees south
latitude?”

“Precisely so—alas! that we should, this day, be so far from those
regions of peace, delight, intelligence, and salubrity! But the will of
Providence be done!—doubtless there is a wise motive for our captivity
and sufferings, which may yet lead to the further glory of the monikin
race!”

“Will you have the kindness to proceed with your explanations, Doctor?
If you deny the annual revolution of the earth, in what manner do you
account for the changes of the seasons, and other astronomical
phenomena, such as the eclipses which so frequently occur?”

“You remind me that the subject is not yet exhausted,” the philosopher
hurriedly rejoined, hastily and covertly dashing a tear from his eye.
“Prosperity produced some of its usual effects among the founders of
our species. For a few centuries, they went on multiplying in numbers,
elongating and rendering still more consecutive their cauda, improving
in knowledge and the arts, until some spirits, more audacious than the
rest, became restive under the slow march of events, which led them
towards perfection at a rate ill-suited to their fiery impatience. At
this time, the mechanic arts were at the highest pitch of perfection
amongst us—we have since, in a great measure, abandoned them, as
unsuited to, and unnecessary for, an advanced state of civilization—we
wore clothes, constructed canals, and effected other works that were
greatly esteemed among the species from which we had emigrated. At this
time, also, the whole monikin family lived together as one people,
enjoyed the same laws, and pursued the same objects. But a political
sect arose in the region, under the direction of misguided and
hot-headed leaders, who brought down upon us the just judgment of
Providence, and a multitude of evils that it will require ages to
remedy. This sect soon had recourse to religious fanaticism and
philosophical sophisms, to attain its ends. It grew rapidly in power
and numbers; for we monikins, like men, as I have had occasion to
observe, are seekers of novelties. At last it proceeded to absolute
overt acts of treason against the laws of Providence itself. The first
violent demonstration of its madness and folly was, setting up the
doctrine that injustice had been done the monikin race, by causing the
safety-valve of the world to be opened within their region. Although we
were manifestly indebted to this very circumstance for the benignity of
our climate, the value of our possessions, the general healthfulness of
our families-nay, for our separate existence itself, as an independent
species, yet did these excited and ill-judging wretches absolutely wage
war upon the most benevolent and the most unequivocal friend they had.
Specious promises led to theories, theories to declamations,
declamation to combination, combination to denunciation, and
denunciation to open hostilities. The matter in dispute was debated for
two generations, when the necessary degree of madness having been
excited, the leaders of the party, who by this time had worked
themselves through their hobby, into the general control of the monikin
affairs, called a meeting of all their partisans and passed certain
resolutions, which will never be blotted from the monikin memory, so
fatal were their consequences, so ruinous for a time their effects!
They were conceived in the following terms:—

“‘At a full and overflowing meeting of the most monikinized of the
monikin race, holden at the house of Peleg Pat (we still used the human
appellations, at that epoch), in the year of the world 3,007, and of
the monikin era 317, Plausible Shout was called to the chair, and Ready
Quill was named secretary.’”

“‘After several excellent and eloquent addresses from all present, it
was unanimously resolved as follows, viz.:’”

“‘That steam is a curse, and not a blessing; and that it deserves to be
denounced by all patriotic and true monikins.’”

“‘That we deem it the height of oppression and injustice in nature,
that she has placed the great safety-valve of the world within the
lawful limits of the monikin territories.’”

“‘That the said safety-valve ought to be removed forthwith; and that it
shall be so removed, peaceably if it can, forcibly if it must.’”

“‘That we cordially approve of the sentiments of John Jaw, our present
estimable chief magistrate, the incorruptible partisan, the undaunted
friend of his friends, the uncompromising enemy of steam, and the
sound, pure, orthodox, and true monikin.’”

“‘That we recommend the said Jaw to the confidence of all monikins.’”

“‘That we call upon the country to sustain us in our great, holy, and
glorious design, pledging ourselves, posterity, the bones of our
ancestors, and all who have gone before or who may come after us, to
the faithful execution of our intentions.

“‘Signed,’”

“‘PLAUSIBLE SHOUT, Chairman.’”

“‘READY QUILL, Secretary.’”

“No sooner were these resolutions promulgated (for instead of being
passed at a full meeting, it is now understood they were drawn up
between Messrs. Shout and Quill, under the private dictation of Mr.
Jaw), than the public mind began seriously to meditate proceeding to
extremities. That perfection in the mechanic arts, which had hitherto
formed our pride and boast, now proved to be our greatest enemy. It is
thought that the leaders of this ill-directed party meant, in truth, to
confine themselves to certain electioneering effects; but who can stay
the torrent, or avert the current of prejudice! The stream was setting
against steam; the whole invention of the species was put in motion;
and in one year from the passage of the resolutions I have recited,
mountains were transported, endless piles of rocks were thrown into the
gulf, arches were constructed, and the hole of the safety-valve was
hermetically sealed. You will form some idea of the waste of
intelligence and energy on this occasion, when I add that it was found,
by actual observation, that this artificial portion of the earth was
thicker, stronger, and more likely to be durable than the natural. So
far did infatuation lead the victims, that they actually caused the
whole region to be sounded, and, having ascertained the precise
locality of the thinnest portion of the crust, John Jaw, and all the
most zealous of his followers, removed to the spot, where they
established the seat of their government in triumph. All this time
nature rested upon her arms, in the quiet of conscious force. It was
not long, however, before our ancestors began to perceive the
consequences of their act, in the increase of the cold, in the scarcity
of fruits, and in the rapid augmentation of the ice. The monikin
enthusiasm is easily awakened in favor of any plausible theory, but it
invariably yields to physical pressure. No doubt the human race, better
furnished with the material of physical resistance, does not exhibit so
much of this weakness, but—”

“Do not flatter us with the exception, Doctor. I find so many points of
resemblance between us, that I really begin to think we must have had
the same origin; and if you would only admit that man is of the
secondary formation, and the monikins of the primary, I would accept
the whole of your philosophy without a moment’s delay.”

“As such an admission would be contrary to both fact and doctrine, I
trust, my dear sir, you will see the utter impossibility of a Professor
in the University of Leaphigh making the concession, even in this
remote part of the world. As I was about to observe, the people began
to betray uneasiness at the increasing and constant inclemency of the
weather; and Mr. John Jaw found it necessary to stimulate their
passions by a new development of his principles. His friends and
partisans were all assembled in the great square of the new capital,
and the following resolutions were, to use the language of a handbill
that is still preserved in the archives of the Leaphigh Historical
Society (for it would seem they were printed before they were passed),
‘unanimously, enthusiastically, and finally adopted,’ viz.:

“‘Resolved, That this meeting has the utmost contempt for steam.’”

“‘Resolved, That this meeting defies snow, and sterility, and all other
natural disadvantages.’”

“‘Resolved, That we will live forever.’”

“‘Resolved, That we will henceforward go naked, as the most effectual
means of setting the frost at defiance.’”

“‘Resolved, That we are now over the thinnest part of the earth’s crust
in the polar regions.’”

“‘Resolved, That henceforth we will support no monikin for any public
trust, who will not give a pledge to put out all his fires, and to
dispense with cooking altogether.’”

“‘Resolved, That we are animated by the true spirit of patriotism,
reason, good faith, and firmness.’”

“‘Resolved, That this meeting now adjourn sine die.’”

“We are told that the last resolution was just carried by acclamation,
when nature arose in her might, and took ample vengeance for all her
wrongs. The great boiler of the earth burst with a tremendous
explosion, carrying away, as the thinnest part of the workmanship, not
only Mr. John Jaw, and all his partisans, but forty thousand square
miles of territory. The last that was seen of them was about thirty
seconds after the occurrence of the explosion, when the whole mass
disappeared near the northern horizon, going at a rate a little
surpassing that of a cannon ball which has just left its gun.”

“King!” exclaimed Noah; “that is what we sailors call ‘to cut and
run.’”

“Was nothing ever heard of Mr. Jaw and his companions, my good Doctor?”

“Nothing that could be depended on. Some of our naturalists assume that
the monkeys which frequent the other parts of the earth are their
descendants, who, stunned by the shock, have lost their reasoning
powers, while, at the same time, they show glimmerings of their origin.
This is, in truth, the better opinion of our savans; and it is usual
with us, to distinguish all the human species of monkeys by the name of
‘the lost monikins.’ Since my captivity, chance has thrown me in the
way of several of these animals, who were equally under the control of
the cruel Savoyards; and in conversing with them, in order to inquire
into their traditions and to trace the analogies of language, I have
been led to think there is some foundation for the opinion. Of this,
however, hereafter.”

“Pray, Dr. Reasono, what became of the forty thousand square miles of
territory?”

“Of that we have a better account; for one of our vessels, which was
far to the northward, on an exploring expedition, fell in with it in
longitude 2 degrees from Leaphigh, latitude 6 degrees S., and by her
means it was ascertained that divers islands had been already formed by
falling fragments; and, judging by the direction of the main body when
last seen, the fertility of that part of the world, and various
geological proofs, we hold that the great western archipelago is the
deposit of the remainder.”

“And the monikin region, sir—what was the consequence of this
phenomenon to that part of the world?”

“Awful—sublime—various—and durable! The more important, or the personal
consequences, shall be mentioned first. Fully one-third of the monikin
species were scalded to death. A great many contracted asthmas and
other diseases of the lungs, by inhaling steam. Most of the bridges
were swept away by the sudden melting of the snows, and large stores of
provisions were spoiled by the unexpected appearance and violent
character of the thaw. These may be enumerated among the unpleasant
consequences. Among the pleasant, we esteem a final and agreeable
melioration of the climate, which regained most of its ancient
character, and a rapid and distinct elongation of our caudtz, by a
sudden acquisition of wisdom.

“The secondary, or the terrestrial consequences, were as follows:—By
the suddenness and force with which so much steam rushed into space,
finding its outlet several degrees from the pole, the earth was canted
from its perpendicular attitude, and remained fixed, with its axis
having an inclination of 23 degrees 27′ to the plane of its orbit. At
the same time the orb began to move in vacuum, and, restrained by
antagonistic attractions, to perform what is called its annual
revolution.”

“I can very well understand, friend Reasono,” observed Noah, “why the
’arth should heel under so sudden a flaw, though a well-ballasted ship
would right again when the puff was over; but I cannot understand how a
little steam leaking out at one end of a craft should set her agoing at
the rate we are told this world travels?”

“If the escape of the steam were constant, the diurnal motion giving it
every moment a new position, the earth would not be propelled in its
orbit, of a certainty, Captain Poke; but as, in fact, this escape of
the steam has the character of pulsation, being periodical and regular,
nature has ordained that it shall occur but once in the twenty-four
hours, and this at such a time as to render its action uniform, and its
impulsion always in the same direction. The principle on which the
earth receives this impetus, can be easily illustrated by a familiar
experiment. Take, for instance, a double-barrelled fowling-piece, load
both barrels with extra quantities of powder, introduce a ball and two
wads into each barrel, place the breech within 4 628/1000 inches of the
abdomen, and take care to fire both barrels at once. In this case, the
balls will give an example of the action of the forty thousand square
miles of territory, and the person experimenting will not fail to
imitate the impulsion, or the backward movement of the earth.”

“While I do not deny that such an experiment would be likely to set
both parties in motion, friend Reasono, I do not see why the ’arth
should not finally stop, as the man would be sure to do, after he had
got through with hopping, and kicking, and swearing.”

“The reason why the earth, once set in motion in vacuum, does not stop,
can also be elucidated by experiment, as follows:—Take Captain Noah
Poke, provided as he is by nature with legs and the power of motion;
lead him to the Place Vendome; cause him to pay three sous, which will
gain him admission to the base of the column; let him ascend to the
summit; thence let him leap with all his energy, in a direction at
right angles with the shaft of the column, into the open air; and it
will be found that, though the original impulsion would not probably
impel the body more than ten or twelve feet, motion would continue
until it had reached the earth. Corollary: hence it is proved that all
bodies in which the vis inertia has been overcome will continue in
motion, until they come in contact with some power capable of stopping
them.”

“King!—Do you not think, Mr. Reasono, that the ’arth makes its circuit,
as much owing to this said steam of yours shoving, as it were, always a
little on one side, acting thereby in some fashion as a rudder, which
causes her to keep waring as we seamen call it, and as big crafts take
more room than small ones in waring, why, she is compelled to run so
many millions of miles, before, as it were, she comes up to the wind
ag’in? Now, there is reason in such an idee; whereas, I never could
reconcile it to my natur’, that these little bits of stars should keep
a craft like the ’arth in her course, with such a devil of a way on
her, as we know in reason she must have, to run so far in a
twelvemonth. Why, the smallest yaw—and, for a hooker of her keel, a
thousand miles wouldn’t be a broader yaw than a hundred feet in a
ship—the smallest yaw would send her aboard of the Jupiter, or the
Marcury, when there would be a smashing of out-board work such as
mortal never before witnessed!”

“We rather lean to the opinion of the efficacy of attraction, sir; nor
do I see that your proposition would at all obviate your own
objection.”

“Then, sir, I will just explain myself. Let us suppose there was a
steamer with a hundred miles of keel; let us suppose the steam up, and
the craft with a broad offing; let us suppose her helm lash’d hard
aport, and she going at the rate of ten thousand knots the hour,
without bringing up or shortening sail for years at a time. Now, all
this being admitted, what would be her course? Why, sir, any child
could tell you, she would keep turning in a circle of some fifty or a
hundred thousand miles in circumference; and such, it appears to me, it
is much more rational to suppose is the natur’ of the ’arth’s
traversing, than all this steering small among stars and attractions.”

“There is truly something very plausible, Captain Poke, in your
suggestion; and I propose that you shall profit by the first occasion
to lay your opinions on the subject, more at large, before the Academy
of Leaphigh.”

“With all my heart, Doctor; for I hold that knowledge, like good
liquor, is given to be passed round from one to another, and not to be
gulped in a corner by any particular individle. And now I’m throwing
out hints of this natur’ I will just intimate another that you may add
to your next demonstration, by way of what you call a corollary; which
is this—that is to say—if all you tell us about the bursting of the
boiler, and the polar kick be true, then is the ’arth the first
steamboat that was ever invented, and the boastings of the French, and
the English, and the Spaniards, and the Italians, on this point, are no
more than so much smoke.”

“And of the Americans, too, Captain Poke,” I ventured to observe.

“Why, Sir John, that is as it may happen. I don’t well see how Fulton
could have stolen the idee, seeing that he did not know the Doctor, and
most probably never heard of Leaphigh in his life.”

We all smiled, even to the amiable Chatterissa, at the nicety of the
navigator’s distinctions; and the philosopher’s lecture, in its more
didactic form, being now virtually at an end, a long and desultory
conversation took place, in which a multitude of ingenious questions
were put by Captain Poke and myself, and which were as cleverly
answered by the Doctor and his friends.

At length, Dr. Reasono, who, philosopher as he was, and much as he
loved science, had not given himself all this trouble without a view to
what are called ulterior considerations, came out with a frank expose
of his wishes. Accident had apparently combined all the means for
gratifying the burning desire I betrayed to be let into further details
of the monikin polity, morals, philosophy, and all the other great
social interests of the part of the world they inhabit. I was wealthy
beyond bounds, and the equipment of a proper vessel would be an
expenditure of no moment; both the Doctor and Lord Chatterino were good
practical geographers, after they were once within the parallel of 77
degrees south, and Captain Poke, according to his own account of
himself, had passed half his life in poking about among the sterile and
uninhabited islands of the frozen ocean. What was there to prevent the
most earnest wishes of all present from being gratified? The captain
was out of employment, and no doubt would be glad to get the command of
a good tight sea-boat; the strangers pined for home, and it was my most
ardent wish to increase my stake in society, by taking a further
interest in monikins.

On this hint, I frankly made a proposal to the old sealer to undertake
the task of restoring these amiable and enlightened strangers to their
own firesides and families. The Captain soon began to discover a little
of his Stunin’tun propensity; for the more I pressed the matter on him,
the more readily he found objections. The several motives he urged for
declining the proposal, may be succinctly given as follows:—

It was true that he wanted employment, but then he wanted to see
Stunin’tun too; he doubted whether monkeys would make good sailors; it
was no joke to run in among the ice, and it might be still less of one
to find our way back again; he had seen the bodies of dead seals and
bears that were frozen as hard as stone, and which might, for anything
he knew, have lain in that state a hundred years, and, for his part, he
should like to be buried when he was good for nothing else. How did he
know these monikins might not catch the men, when they had once fairly
got them in their country, and strip them, and make them throw
summersets, as the Savoyards had compelled the Doctor, and even the
Lady Chatterissa to do?—he knew he should break his neck the very first
flap-jack; if he were ten years younger, perhaps he should like the
frolic; he did not believe the right sort of craft could be found in
England, and for his part, he liked sailing under the stars and
stripes; he didn’t know but he might go if he had a crew of
Stunin’tunners; he always knew how to get along with such people; he
could scare one by threatening to tell his marm how he behaved, and
bring another to reason by hinting that the gals would shy him if he
wasn’t more accommodating; then there might be no such place as
Leaphigh, after all; or, if there was, he might never find it; as for
wearing a bison-skin under the equator, it was quite out of the
question, a human skin being a heavy load to carry in the calm
latitudes; and finally that he didn’t exactly see what he was to get by
it.

These objections were met, one by one, reversing the order in which
they were made, and commencing with the last.

I offered a thousand pounds sterling as the reward. This proposal
brought a gleam of satisfaction into Noah’s eyes, though he shook his
head, as if he thought it very little. It was then suggested that there
was no doubt we should discover certain islands that were well stored
with seals, and that I would waive all claims as owner, and that
hereafter he might turn these discoveries to his own private account.
At this bait he nibbled, and, at one time, I thought he was about to
suffer himself to be caught. But he remained obstinate. After trying
all our united rhetoric, and doubling the amount of the pecuniary
offer, Dr. Reasono luckily bethought him of the universal engine of
human weakness, and the old sealer, who had resisted money—an influence
of known efficacy at Stunin’tun—ambition, the secret of new sealing
grounds, and all the ordinary inducements that might be thought to have
weight with men of his class, was, in the end, hooked by his own
vanity!

The philosopher cunningly expatiated on the pleasure there would be in
reading a paper before the Academy of Leaphigh, on the subject of the
captain’s peculiar views touching the earth’s annual revolution, and of
the virtue of sailing planets, with their helms lashed hard aport, when
all the dogmatical old navigator’s scruples melted away like snow in a
thaw.




CHAPTER XIII.
A CHAPTER OF PREPARATIONS—DISCRIMINATION IN CHARACTER—A TIGHT FIT, AND
OTHER CONVENIENCES, WITH SOME JUDGMENT.


I shall pass lightly over the events of the succeeding month. During
this time, the whole party were transferred to England, a proper ship
had been bought and equipped, the family of strangers were put in quiet
possession of their cabins, and I had made all ray arrangements for
being absent from England for the next two years. The vessel was a
stout-built, comfortable ship of about three hundred tons burden, and
had been properly constructed to encounter the dangers of the ice. Her
accommodations were suitably arranged to meet all the exigencies of
both monikin and human wants, the apartments of the ladies being very
properly separated from those of the gentlemen, and otherwise rendered
decorous and commodious. The Lady Chatterissa very pleasantly called
their private room the gynecee, which, as I afterwards ascertained, was
a term for the women’s apartment, obtained from the Greek, the monikins
being quite as much addicted as we are ourselves, to showing their
acquirements by the introduction of words from foreign tongues.

Noah showed great care in the selection of the ship’s company, the
service being known to be arduous, and the duties of a very responsible
character. For this purpose, he made a journey expressly to Liverpool
(the ship lying in the Greenland Dock at London), where he was
fortunate enough to engage five Yankees, as many Englishmen, two
Norwegians, and a Swede, all of whom had been accustomed to cruising as
near the poles as ordinary men ever succeeded in reaching. He was also
well suited in his cook and mates; but I observed that he had great
difficulty in finding a cabin-boy to his mind. More than twenty
applicants were rejected, some for the want of one qualification, and
some for the want of another. As I was present at several examinations
of different candidates for the office, I got a little insight into his
manner of ascertaining their respective merits.

The invariable practice was, first, to place a bottle of rum and a
pitcher of water before the lad, and to order him to try his hand at
mixing a glass of grog. Four applicants were incontinently rejected for
manifesting a natural inaptitude at hitting the juste milieu, in this
important part of the duty of a cabin-boy. Most of the candidates,
however, were reasonably expert in the art; and the captain soon came
to the next requisite, which was, to say “Sir,” in a tone, as Noah
expressed it, somewhere between the snap of a steel-trap and the
mendicant whine of a beggar. Fourteen were rejected for deficiencies on
this score, the captain remarking that most of them “were the sa’ciest
blackguards” he had ever fallen in with. When he had, at length, found
one who could mix a tumbler of grog, and answer “Sir,” to his liking,
he proceeded to make experiments on their abilities in carrying a
soup-tureen over a slushed plank; in wiping plates without a napkin,
and without using their shirt-sleeves; in snuffing candles with their
fingers; in making a soft bed with few materials besides boards; in
mixing the various compounds of burgoo, lobscouse, and dough, (which he
affectedly pronounced duff); in fattening pigs on beef-bones, and ducks
on the sweepings of the deck; in looking at molasses without licking
his lips; and in various other similar accomplishments, which he
maintained were as familiar to the children of Stunin’tun, as their
singing-books and the ten commandments. The nineteenth candidate, to my
uninstructed eyes, seemed perfect; but Noah rejected him for the want
of a quality that he declared was indispensable to the quiet of the
ship. It appeared that he was too bony about an essential part of his
anatomy, a peculiarity that was very dangerous to a captain, as he
himself was once so unfortunate as to put his great toe out of joint,
by kicking one of those ill-formed youngsters with unpremeditated
violence; a thing that was very apt to happen to a man in a hurry.
Luckily, No. twenty passed, and was immediately promoted to the vacant
berth. The very next day the ship put to sea, in good condition, and
with every prospect of a fortunate voyage.

I will here state that a general election occurred the week before we
sailed; and I ran down to Householder and got myself returned, in order
to protect the interests of those who had a natural right to look up to
me for that small favor.

We discharged the pilot when we had the Scilly Islands over the
taffrail, and Mr. Poke took command of the vessel in good earnest.
Coming down channel, he had done little more than rummage about in the
cabin, examine the lockers, and make his foot acquainted with the
anatomy of poor Bob, as the cabin-boy was called; who, judging from the
amount of the captain’s practice, was admirably well suited for his
station, in the great requisite of a kickee. But, the last hold of the
land loosened by the departure of the pilot, our navigator came forth
in his true colors, and showed the stuff of which he was really made.
The first thing he did was to cause a pull to be made on every halyard,
bowline, and brace in the ship; he then rattled off both mates, in
order to show them (as he afterwards told me in confidence) that he was
captain of his own vessel; gave the people to understand he did not
like to speak twice on the same subject and on the same occasion, which
he said was a privilege he very willingly left to Congressmen and
women; and then he appeared satisfied with himself and all around him.

A week after we had taken our departure, I ventured to ask Captain Poke
if it might not be well enough to take an observation, and to resort to
some means in order to know where the ship was. Noah treated this idea
with great disrespect. He could see no use in wearing out quadrants
without any necessity for it. Our course was south, we knew, for we
were bound to the south pole; all we had to do was to keep America on
the starboard, and Africa on the larboard hand. To be sure, there was
something to be said about the trades, and a little allowance to be
made for currents now and then; but he and the ship would get to be
better acquainted before a great while, and then all would go on like
clockwork. A few days after this conversation, I was on deck just as
day dawned, and to my surprise Noah, who was in his berth, called out
to the mate, through the skylight, to let him know exactly how the land
bore. No one had yet seen any land; but at this summons we began to
look about us, and sure enough there was an island dimly visible on the
eastern board! Its position by compass was immediately communicated to
the captain, who seemed well satisfied with the result. Renewing his
admonition to the officer of the deck to take care and keep Africa on
the larboard hand, he turned over in his bed to resume his nap.

I afterwards understood from the mates, that we had made a very capital
fall upon the trades, and that we were getting on wonderfully well,
though it was quite as great a mystery to them as it was to me, how the
captain could know where the ship was; for he had not touched his
quadrant, except to wipe it with a silk handkerchief, since we left
England. About a fortnight after we had passed the Cape de Verds, Noah
came on deck in a great rage, and began to storm at the mate and the
man at the wheel for not keeping the ship her course. To this the
former answered with spirit, that the only order he had received in a
fortnight, was “to keep her jogging south, allowing for variation,” and
that she was heading at that moment according to orders. Hereupon, Noah
gave Bob, who happened to pass him just then, a smart application a
posteriori, and swore “that the compass was as big a fool as the mate;
that the ship was two points off her course; that south was hereaway,
and not thereaway; that he knew by the feel of the wind that it had no
northin’ in it, and we had got it away on the quarter, whereas it ought
to be for’ard of the beam; that we were running for Rio instead of
Leaphigh, and that if we ever expected to get to the latter country, we
must haul up on a good taut bowline.” The mate, to my surprise,
suddenly acquiesced, and immediately brought the ship by the wind. He
afterwards told me, in a half-whisper, that the second mate having been
sharpening some harpoons, had unwittingly left them much too close to
the binnacle; and that, in fact, the magnet had been attracted by them,
so as to deceive the man at the wheel and himself, fully twenty degrees
as to the real points of the compass. I must say this little occurrence
greatly encouraged me, leaving no doubt about our eventual and safe
arrival as far, at least, as the boundary of ice which separates the
human from the monikin region. Profiting by this feeling of security, I
now began to revive the intercourse with the strangers, which had been
partially interrupted by the novel and disagreeable circumstances of a
sea life.

The Lady Chatterissa and her companion, as is much the case with
females at sea, rarely left the gynecee; but as we drew near the
equator, the philosopher and the young peer passed most of their time
on deck, or aloft. Dr. Reasono and I spent half of the mild nights in
discussing subjects connected with my future travels; and as soon as we
were well clear of the rain and the thunder and lightning of the calm
latitudes, Captain Poke, Robert, and myself began to study the language
of Leaphigh. The cabin-boy was included in this arrangement, Noah
intimating we should find it convenient to take him on shore with us,
since a wish to conceal my destination had induced me to bring no
servant along. Luckily for us, the monikin ingenuity had greatly
diminished the labor of the acquisition. The whole language was spoken
and written on a system of decimals, which rendered it particularly
easy, after the elementary principles were once acquired. Thus, unlike
most human tongues, in which the rule usually forms the exception, no
departure from its laws was ever allowed, under the penalty of the
pillory. This provision, the captain protested, was the best rule of
them all, and saved a vast deal of trouble; for, as he knew by
experience, a man might be a perfect adept in the language of
Stunin’tun, and then be laughed at in New York for his pains. The
comprehensiveness of the tongue was also another great advantage;
though, like all other eminent advantages or excessive good, it was the
next-door neighbor to as great an evil. Thus, as my Lord Chatterino
obligingly explained, “we-witch-it-me-cum” means “Madam, I love you
from the crown of my head to the tip of my tail; and as I love no other
half as well, it would make me the happiest monikin on earth, if you
would consent to become my wife, that we might be models of domestic
propriety before all eyes, from this time henceforth and forever.” In
short, it was the usual and most solemn expression for asking in
marriage; and, by the laws of the land, was binding on the proposer
until as formally declined by the other party. But, unluckily, the word
“we-switch-it-me-cum” means “Madam, I love you from the crown of my
head to the tip of my tail; and, if I did not love another better, it
would make me the happiest monikin on earth, if you would consent to
become my wife, that we might be models of domestic propriety before
all eyes, from this time henceforth and forever.” Now this distinction,
subtle and insignificant as it was to the eye and the ear, caused a
vast deal of heart-burning and disappointment among the young people of
Leaphigh. Several serious lawsuits had grown out of this cause, and two
great political parties had taken root in the unfortunate mistake of a
young monikin of quality, who happened to lisp, and who used the fatal
word indiscreetly. That feud, however, was now happily appeased, having
lasted only a century, but it would be wise, as we were all three
bachelors, to take note of the distinction. Captain Poke said he
thought, on the whole, he was perfectly safe, as he was much accustomed
to the use of the word “switchel”; but he thought it might be very well
to go before some consul as soon as the ship anchored, and enter a
formal protest of our ignorance of all these niceties, lest some
advantage should be taken of us by the reptiles of lawyers; that he in
particular was not a bachelor, and that Miss Poke would be as furious
as a hurricane, if by accident, he should happen to forget himself. The
matter was deferred for future deliberation.

About this time, too, I had some more interesting communications with
Dr. Reasono, on the subject of the private histories of all the party
of which he was the principal member. It would seem that the
philosopher, though rich in learning, and the proprietor of one of the
best developed caudce in the entire monikin world, was poor in the more
vulgar attributes of monikin wealth. While he bestowed freely,
therefore, from the stores of his philosophy, and through the medium of
the academy of Leaphigh, on all his fellows, he was obliged to seek an
especial recipient for his surplus knowledge, in the shape of a pupil,
in order to provide for the small remains of the animal that still
lingered in his habits. Lord Chatterino, the orphan heritor of one of
the noblest and wealthiest, as well as one of the most ancient houses
of Leaphigh, had been put under his instruction at a very tender age,
as had my Lady Chatterissa under that of Mrs. Lynx, with very much the
same objects. This young and accomplished pair had early distinguished
each other, in monikin society, for their unusual graces of person,
general attainments, mutual amiableness of disposition, harmony of
thought, and soundness of principles. Everything was propitious to the
gentle flame which was kindled in the vestal bosom of Chatterissa, and
which was met by a passion so ardent and so respectful, as that which
glowed in the heart of young No. 8 purple. The friends of the
respective parties, so soon as the budding sympathy between them was
observed, in order to prevent the blight of wishes so appropriate, had
called in the aid of the matrimonial surveyor-general of Leaphigh, an
officer especially appointed by the king in council, whose duty it is
to take cognizance of the proprieties of all engagements that are
likely to assume a character as grave and durable as that of marriage.
Dr. Reasono showed me the certificate issued from the Marriage
Department on this occasion, and which, in all his wanderings, he had
contrived to conceal within the lining of the Spanish hat the Savoyards
had compelled him to wear, and which he still preserved as a document
that was absolutely indispensable on his return to Leaphigh; else he
would never be permitted to travel afoot in company with two young
people of birth and of good estates, who were of the different sexes. I
translate the certificate, as literally as the poverty of the English
language will allow.

Extract from the Book of Fitness, Marriage Department, Leaphigh, season
of nuts, day of brightness.

Vol. 7243, p. 82.

Lord Chatterino: Domains; 126,952 3/4 acres of land; meadow, arable and
wood in just proportions.

Lady Chatterissa: Domains; 115,999 1/2 acres of land; mostly arable.

Decree, as of record; it is found that the lands of my Lady Chatterissa
possess in quality what they want in quantity.

Lord Chatterino: Birth; sixteen descents pure; one bastardy—four
descents pure—a suspicion—one descent pure—a certainty.

Lady Chatterissa: Birth; six descents pure—three bastardies—eleven
descents pure—a certainty—a suspicion—unknown.

Decree as of record; it is found that the advantage is on the side of
my Lord Chatterino, but the excellence of the estate on the other side
is believed to equalize the parties.

(Signed) No. 6 ermine. A true copy.

(Counter signed) No. 1,000,003 ink-color.

Ordered, that the parties make the Journey of Trial together, under the
charge of Socrates Reasono, Professor of Probabilities in the
University of Leaphigh, LL.D., F. U. D. G. E., and of Mrs. Vigilance
Lynx, licensed duenna.

The Journey of Trial is so peculiar to the monikin system, and it might
be so usefully introduced into our own, that it may be well to explain
it. Whenever it is found that a young couple are agreeable (to use a
peculiar anglicized anglicism), in all the more essential requisites of
matrimony, they are sent on the journey in question, under the care of
prudent and experienced mentors, with a view to ascertain how far they
may be able to support, in each other’s society, the ordinary
vicissitudes of life. In the case of candidates of the more vulgar
classes, there are official overseers, who usually drag them through a
few mud-puddles, and then set them to work at some hard labor that is
especially profitable to the public functionaries, who commonly get the
greater part of their own year’s work done in this manner. But, as the
moral provisions of all laws are invented less for those who own
126,952 3/4 acres of land, divided into meadow, arable and wood, in
just proportions, than for those whose virtues are more likely to yield
to the fiery ordeal of temptation, the rich and noble, after making a
proper and useful manifestation of their compliance with the usage,
ordinarily retire to their country seats, where they pass the period of
probation as agreeably as they can; taking care to cause to be inserted
in the Leaphigh gazette, however, occasional extracts from their
letters describing the pains and hardships they are compelled to endure
for the consolation and edification of those who have neither birth nor
country houses. In a good many instances the journey is actually
performed by proxy But the case of my Lord Chatterino and my Lady
Chatterissa formed an exception even to these exceptions. It was
thought by the authorities that the attachment of a pair so illustrious
offered a good occasion to distinguish the Leaphigh impartiality; and
on the well-known principle which induces us sometimes to hang an earl
in England, the young couple were commanded actually to go forth with
all useful eclat (secret orders being given to their guardians to allow
every possible indulgence, at the same time), in order that the lieges
might see and exult in the sternness and integrity of their rulers.

Dr. Reasono had accordingly taken his departure from the capital for
the mountains, where he instructed his wards in a practical commentary
of the ups and downs of life, by exposing them on the verges of
precipices and in the delights of the most fertile valleys (which, as
he justly observed, was the greater danger of the two), leading them
over flinty paths, hungry and cold, in order to try their tempers; and
setting up establishments with the most awkward peasants for servants,
to ascertain the depth of Chatterissa’s philosophy; with a variety of
similar ingenious devices, that will readily suggest themselves to all
who have any matrimonial experience, whether they live in palaces or
cottages. When this part of the trial was successfully terminated (the
result having shown that the gentle Chatterissa was of proof, so far as
mere temper was concerned), the whole party were ordered off to the
barrier of ice, which divides the monikin from the human region, with a
view to ascertain whether the warmth of their attachment was of a
nature likely to resist the freezing collisions of the world. Here,
unfortunately, (for the truth must be said), an unlucky desire of Dr.
Reasono, who was already F. U. D. G. E., but who had a devouring
ambition to become also M. O. R. E., led him into the extreme
imprudence of pushing through an opening, where he had formerly
discovered an island, on an ancient expedition of the same sort; and on
which island he thought he saw a rock, that formed a stratum of what he
believed to be a portion of the forty thousand square miles that were
discomposed by the great eruption of the earth’s boiler. The
philosopher foresaw a thousand interesting results that were dependent
on the ascertaining of this important fact; for all the learning of
Leaphigh having been exhausted, some five hundred years before, in
establishing the greatest distance to which any fragment had been
thrown on that memorable occasion, great attention had latterly been
given to the discovery of the least distance any fragment had been
hurled. Perhaps I ought to speak tenderly of the consequences of a
learned zeal, but it was entirely owing to this indiscretion that the
whole party fell into the hands of certain mariners who were sealing on
the northern shores of this very island, (friends and neighbors, as it
afterwards appeared, of Captain Poke), who remorselessly seized upon
the travellers, and sold them to a homeward-bound India-man, which they
afterwards fell in with near the island of St. Helena—St. Helena! the
tomb of him who is a model to all posterity, for the moderation of his
desires, the simplicity of his character, a deep veneration for truth,
profound reverence for justice, unwavering faith, and a clear
appreciation of all the nobler virtues.

We came in sight of the island in question, just as Dr. Reasono
concluded his interesting narrative; and, turning to Captain Poke, I
solemnly asked that discerning and shrewd seaman,—

“If he did not think the future would fully avenge itself of the
past—if history would not do ample justice to the mighty dead—if
certain names would not be consigned to everlasting infamy for chaining
a hero to a rock; and whether HIS country, the land of freemen, would
ever have disgraced itself, by such an act of barbarism and vengeance?”

The captain heard me very calmly; then deliberately helping himself to
some tobacco, he replied,—

“Harkee, Sir John. At Stunin’tun, when we catch a ferocious critter’,
we always put it in a cage. I’m no great mathematician, as I’ve often
told you; if my dog bites me once, I kick him—twice, I beat him—thrice,
I chain him.”

Alas! there are minds so unfortunately constituted, that they have no
sympathies with the sublime. All their tendencies are direct and
common-sense like. To such men, Napoleon appears little better than one
who lived among his fellows more in the character of a tiger than in
that of a man. They condemn him because he could not reduce his own
sense of the attributes of greatness to the level of their home-bred
morality. Among this number, it would now seem, was to be classed
Captain Noah Poke.

A wish to relate the manner in which Dr. Reasono and his companions
fell into human hands, has caused me to overlook one or two matters of
lighter moment, that should not, in justice to myself, however, be
entirely omitted.

When we had been at sea two days, a very agreeable surprise for the
monikin party was prepared and executed. I had caused a certain number
of jackets and trousers to be made of the skins of different animals,
such as dogs, cats, sheep, tigers, leopards, hogs, etc., etc., with the
proper accompaniments of snouts, hoofs, and claws; and, when the ladies
came on deck, after breakfast, their eyes were no longer offended by
our rude innovations upon nature, but the whole crew were flying about
the rigging, like so many animals of the different species named. Noah
and myself appeared in the characters of sea-lions, the former having
intimated that he understood the nature of that beast better than any
other. Of course, this delicate attention was properly appreciated, and
handsomely acknowledged.

I had taken the precaution to order imitation-skins to be made of
cotton, which were worn in the low latitudes; and, as we got near the
Falkland Islands, the real skins were resumed, with promptitude, and I
might add, with pleasure.

Noah had, at first, raised some strong objections to the scheme, saying
that he should not feel safe in a ship manned and officered altogether
by wild beasts; but, at last, he came to enjoy the thing as a good
joke, never failing to hail the men, not by their names as formerly,
but, as he expressed it himself, “by their natur’s”; calling out “You
cat, scratch this”; “You tiger, jump here”; “You hog, out of that
dirt”; “You dog, scamper there”; “You horse, haul away,” and divers
other similar conceits, that singularly tickled his fancy. The men
themselves took up the ball, which they kept rolling, embellished with
all sorts of nautical witticisms; their surname—they had but one, viz.
Smith—being entirely dropped for the new appellations. Thus, the sounds
of “Tom Dog,” “Jack Cat,” “Bill Tiger,” “Sam Hog,” and “Dick Horse,”
were flying about the deck from morning to night.

Good humor is a great alleviator of bodily privation. From the time the
ship lost sight of Staten Land, we had heavy weather, with hard gales
from the southward and westward; and we had the utmost difficulty in
making our southing. Observations now became a very difficult matter,
the sun being invisible for a week at a time. The marine instinct of
Noah, at this crisis, was of the last importance to all on board. He
gave us the cheering assurance, however, from time to time, that we
were going south, although the mates declared that they knew not where
the ship was, or whither she was running; neither sun, moon, nor star
having now been seen for more than a week.

We had been in this state of anxiety and doubt for about a fortnight,
when Captain Poke suddenly appeared on deck, and called for the
cabin-boy, in his usual stentorian and no-denial voice, by the name of
“You Bob Ape”; for the duty of Robert requiring that he should be much
about the persons of the monikins, I had given him a dress of apes’
skins, as a garb that would be more congenial to their tastes than that
of a pig, or a weasel. Bob Ape was soon forthcoming, and, as he
approached his master, he quietly turned his face from him, receiving,
as a matter of course, three or four smart admonitory hints, by way of
letting him know that he was to be active in the performance of the
duty on which he was about to be sent. On this occasion I made an odd
discovery. Bob had profited by the dimensions of his lower garment,
which had been cut for a much larger boy (one of those who had broken
down in essaying the true Doric of “Sir”), by stuffing it with an old
union-jack-a sort of “sarvice,” as he afterwards told me, that saved
him a good deal of wear and tear of skin. To return to passing events,
however; when Robert had been duly kicked, he turned about manfully,
and demanded the captain’s pleasure. He was told to bring the largest
and fairest pumpkin he could find, from the private stores of Mr. Poke,
that navigator never going to sea without a store of articles that he
termed “Stunin’tun food.” The captain took the pumpkin between his
legs, and carefully peeled off the whole of its greenish-yellow coat,
leaving it a globe of a whitish color. He then asked for the
tar-bucket, and, with his fingers, traced various marks, which were
pretty accurate outlines of the different continents and the larger
islands of the world. The region near the south pole, however, he left
untouched; intimating that it contained certain sealing islands, which
he considered pretty much as the private property of the
Stunin’tunners.

“Now, Doctor,” he said, pointing to the pumpkin, “there is the ’arth,
and here is the tar-pot—just mark down the position of your island of
Leaphigh, if you please, according to the best accounts your academy
has of the matter. Make a dab here and there, if you happen to know of
any rocks and shoals. After that, you can lay down the island where you
were captured, giving a general idee of its headlands and of the
trending of the coast.”

Dr. Reasono took a fid, and with its end he traced all the desired
objects with great readiness and skill. Noah examined the work, and
seemed satisfied that he had fallen into the hands of a monikin who had
very correct notions of bearings and distances, one, in short, on whose
local knowledge it might do to run even in the night. He then projected
the position of Stunnin’tun, an occupation in which he took great
delight, actually designing the meeting-house and the principal tavern;
after which, the chart was laid aside.




CHAPTER XIV.
HOW TO STEER SMALL—HOW TO RUN THE GAUNTLET WITH A SHIP—HOW TO GO
CLEAR—A NEW-FASHIONED SCREW—DOCK, AND CERTAIN MILE-STONES.


Captain Poke no longer deliberated about the course we were to steer.
With his pumpkin for a chart, his instinct for an observation, and his
nose for a compass, the sturdy sealer stood boldly to the southward;
or, at least, he ran dead before a stiff gale, which, as he more than
once affirmed, was as true a norther as if bred and born in the
Canadas.

After coursing over the billows at a tremendous rate for a day and a
night, the captain appeared on deck, with a face of unusual meaning,
and a mind loaded with its own reflections, as was proved by his
winking knowingly whenever he delivered himself of a sentiment; a habit
that he had most probably contracted, in early youth, at Stunin’tun,
for it seemed to be quite as inveterate as it was thoroughbred.

“We shall soon know, Sir John,” he observed, hitching the sea-lion skin
into symmetry, “whether it is sink or swim!”

“Pray explain yourself, Mr. Poke,” cried I, in a little alarm. “If
anything serious is to happen, you are bound to give timely notice.”

“Death is always untimely to some critturs, Sir John.”

“Am I to understand, sir, that you mean to cast away the ship?”

“Not if I can help it, Sir John; but a craft that is foreordained to be
a wrack, will be a wrack, in spite of reefing and bracing. Look ahead,
you Dick Lion—ay, there you have it!”

There we had it, sure enough! I can only compare the scene which now
met my eyes, to a sudden view of the range of the Oberland Alps, when
the spectator is unexpectedly placed on the verge of the precipice of
the Weissenstein. There he would see before him a boundless barrier of
glittering ice, broken into the glorious and fantastic forms of
pinnacles, walls, and valleys; while here, we saw all that was sublime
in such a view heightened by the fearful action of the boisterous
ocean, which beat upon the impassable boundary in ceaseless violence.

“Good God! Captain Poke,” I exclaimed, the instant I caught a glimpse
of the formidable danger that menaced us, “you surely do not mean to
continue madly on, with such a warning of the consequences in plain
view?”

“What would you have, Sir John? Leaphigh lies on the t’other side of
these ice-islands!”

“But you need not run the ship against them—why not go round them?”

“Because they go round the ’arth, in this latitude. Now is the time to
speak, Sir John. If we are bound to Leaphigh, we have the choice of
three pretty desperate chances; to go through, to go under, or to go
over that there ice. If we are to put back, there is not a moment to
lose, for it may be even now questioned whether the ship would claw
off, as we are, with a sending sea, and this heavy norther.”

I believe I would, at that moment, gladly have given up all my social
stakes to be well rid of the adventure. Still pride, that substitute
for so many virtues, the greatest and the most potent of all
hypocrites, forbade my betraying the desire to retreat. I deliberated,
while the ship flew; and when, at length, I turned to the captain to
suggest a doubt that might, at an earlier notice, possibly have changed
the whole aspect of affairs, he bluntly told me it was too late. It was
safer to proceed than to return, if indeed, return were possible, in
the present state of the winds and waves. Making a merit of necessity,
I braced my nerves to meet the crisis, and remained a submissive, and,
apparently, a calm spectator of that which followed.

The Walrus (such was the name of our good ship) by this time was under
easy canvas, and yet, urged by the gale, she rolled down with alarming
velocity towards the boundary of foam where the congealed and the still
liquid element held their strife. The summits of the frozen crags waved
in their glittering glory in a way just to show that they were afloat;
and I remembered to have heard that, at times, as their bases melted,
entire mountains had been known to roll over, engulfing all that lay
beneath. To me it seemed but a moment, before the ship was fairly
overshadowed by these shining cliffs, which, gently undulating, waved
their frozen summits nearly a thousand feet in air. I looked at Noah,
in alarm, for it appeared to me that he intentionally precipitated us
to destruction. But, just as I was about to remonstrate, he made a sign
with his hand, and the vessel was brought to the wind. Still retreat
was impossible; for the heave of the sea was too powerful, and the wind
too heavy, to leave us any hope of long keeping the Walrus from
drifting down upon the ragged peaks that bristled in icy glory to
leeward. Nor did Captain Poke himself seem to entertain any such
design; for, instead of hugging the gale, in order to haul off from the
danger, he had caused the yards to be laid perfectly square, and we
were now running, at a great rate, in a line nearly parallel with the
frozen coast, though gradually setting upon it.

“Keep full! Let her go through water, you Jim Tiger,” said the old
sealer, whose professional ardor was fairly aroused. “Now, Sir John,
unluckily, we are on the wrong side of these ice mountains, for the
plain reason that Leaphigh lies to the south’ard of them. We must be
stirring, therefore, for no craft that was ever launched could keep off
these crags with such a gale driving home upon them, for more than an
hour or two. Our great concern, at present, is to look out for a hole
to run into.”

“Why have you come so close to the danger, with your knowledge of the
consequences?”

“To own the truth, Sir John, natur’ is natur’, and I’m getting to be a
little near-sighted as I grow old; besides, I’m not so sartain that the
danger is the more dangerous, for taking a good, steady look plump in
its face.”

Noah raised his hand, as much as to say he wished no answer, and both
of us were immediately occupied in gazing anxiously to leeward. The
ship was just opening a small cove in the ice, which might have been a
cable’s length in depth, and a quarter of a mile across its outer, or
the widest part. Its form was regular, being that of a semicircle; but,
at its bottom, the ice, instead of forming a continued barrier, like
all the rest we had yet passed, was separated by a narrow opening, that
was bounded on each side by a frowning precipice. The two bergs were
evidently drawing nearer to each other, but there was still a strait,
or a watery gorge between them, of some two hundred feet in width. As
the ship plunged onward, the pass was opened, and we caught a glimpse
of the distant view to leeward. It was merely a glimpse—the impatient
Walrus allowing us but a moment for examination—but it appeared
sufficient for the purposes of the old sealer. We were already across
the mouth of the cove, and within a cable’s length of the ice again;
for as we drew near what may be called the little cape, we found
ourselves once more in closer proximity to the menacing mountain. It
was a moment when all depended on decision; and fortunately, our
sealer, who was so wary and procrastinating in a bargain, never had
occasion to make two drafts on his thoughts, in situations of
emergency. As the ship cleared the promontory on the eastern side of
the cove, we again opened a curvature of the ice, which gave a little
more water to leeward. Tacking was impossible, and the helm was put
hard aweather. The bow of the Walrus fell off, and as she rose on the
next wave, I thought its send would carry us helplessly down upon the
berg. But the good craft, obedient to her rudder, whirled round, as if
sensible herself of the danger, and, in less time than I had ever
before known her to wear, we felt the wind on the other quarter. Our
cats and dogs bestirred themselves, for there was no one there, Captain
Noah Poke excepted, whose heart did not beat quick and hard. In much
less time than usual, the yards were braced up on the other tack, and
the ship was ploughing heavily against the sea, with her head to the
westward. It is impossible to give one who has never been in such a
situation, a just idea of the feverish impatience, the sinking and
mounting of hope, as we watch the crablike movement of a vessel that is
clawing off a lee-shore, in a gale. In the present case, it being well
known that the sea was fathomless, we had run so near the danger that
not even the smallest of its horrors was veiled from sight.

While the ship labored along, I saw the clouds fast shutting in to
windward, by the interposition of the promontory of ice—the certain
sign that our drift was rapid—and, as we drew nearer to the point,
breathing became labored and even audible. Here Noah took a chew of
tobacco, I presume on the principle of enjoying a last quid, should the
elements prove fatal; and then he went to the wheel in person.

“Let her go through the water,” he said, easing the helm a little—“let
her jog ahead, or we shall lose command of her in this devil’s-pot!”

The vessel felt the slight change, and drew faster through the foaming
brine, bringing us, with increasing velocity, nearer to the dreaded
point. As we came up to the promontory the water fell back in spray on
the decks, and there was an instant when it appeared as if the wind was
about to desert us. Happily the ship had drawn so far ahead as to feel
the good effects of a slight change of current that was caused by the
air rushing obliquely into the cove; and, as Noah, by easing the helm
still more, had anticipated this alteration, which had been felt
adversely but a moment before, while struggling to the eastward of the
promontory, we drew swiftly past the icy cape, opening the cove
handsomely, with the ship’s head falling off fast towards the gorge.

There was but a minute or two, for squaring the yards and obtaining the
proper position to windward of the narrow strait. Instead of running
down in a direct line for the latter, Captain Poke kept the ship on
such a course as to lay it well open, before her head was pointed
towards the passage. By this time, the two bergs had drawn so near each
other as actually to form an arch across its mouth; and this, too, at a
part so low as to render it questionable whether there was sufficient
elevation to permit the Walrus to pass beneath. But retreat was
impossible, the gale urging the ship furiously onwards. The width of
the passage was now but little more than a hundred feet, and it
actually required the nicest steerage to keep our yard-arms clear of
the opposite precipices, as the vessel dashed, with foaming bows, into
the gorge. The wind drew through the opening with tremendous violence,
fairly howling as if in delight at discovering a passage by which it
might continue its furious career. We may have been aided by the
sucking of the wind and the waves, both of which were irresistibly
drawn towards the pass, or it is quite probable that the skill of
Captain Poke did us good service on this awful occasion; but, owing to
the one or the other, or to the two causes united, the Walrus shot into
the gorge so accurately as to avoid touching either of the lateral
margins of the ice. We were not so fortunate, however, with the loftier
spars; for scarcely was the vessel beneath the arch, when she lifted on
a swell, and her main-top-gallant-mast snapped off in the cap. The ice
groaned and cracked over our heads, and large fragments fell both ahead
and astern of us, several of them even tumbling upon our decks. One
large piece came down within an inch of the extremity of Dr. Reasono’s
tail, just escaping the dire calamity of knocking out the brains of
that profound and philo-monikin philosopher. In another instant the
ship was through the pass, which completely closed, with the crash of
an earthquake, as soon as possible afterwards.

Still driven by the gale, we ran rapidly towards the south, along a
channel less than a quarter of a mile in width, the bergs evidently
closing on each side of us, and the ship, as if conscious of her
jeopardy, doing her utmost, with Captain Poke still at the wheel. In a
little more than an hour, the worst was over—the Walrus issuing into an
open basin of several leagues in extent, which was, however, completely
encircled by the frozen mountains. Here Noah took a look at the
pumpkin, after which he made no ceremony in plumply telling Dr. Reasono
that he had been greatly mistaken in laying down the position of
Captivity Island, as he himself had named the spot where the amiable
strangers had fallen into human hands. The philosopher was a little
tenacious of his opinion; but what is argument in the face of facts?
Here was the pumpkin, and there were the blue waters! The captain now
quite frankly declared that he had great doubts whether there was any
such place as Leaphigh at all; and as the ship had a capital position
for such an object, he bluntly, though privately proposed to me, that
we should throw all the monikins overboard, project the entire polar
basin on his chart as being entirely free from islands, and then go
a-sealing. I rejected the propositions, firstly, as premature;
secondly, as inhuman; thirdly, as inhospitable; fourthly, as
inconvenient; and lastly, as impracticable.

There might have arisen a disagreeable controversy between us on this
point; for Mr. Poke had begun to warm, and to swear that one good seal,
of the true quality of fur, was worth a hundred monkeys; when most
happily the panther at the masthead cried out that two of the largest
mountains, to the southward of us, were separating, and that he could
discern a passage into another basin. Hereupon Captain Poke
concentrated his oaths, which he caused to explode like a bomb, and
instantly made sail again in the proper direction. By three o’clock,
P.M., we had run the gauntlet of the bergs a second time, and were at
least a degree nearer the pole, in the basin just alluded to.

The mountains had now entirely disappeared in the southern board; but
the sea was covered, far as the eye could reach, with field-ice. Noah
stood on, without apprehension; for the water had been smooth ever
since we entered the first opening, the wind not having rake enough to
knock up a swell. When about a mile from the margin of the frozen and
seemingly interminable plain, the ship was brought to the wind, and
hove-to.

Ever since the vessel left the docks, there had been six sets of spars
of a form so singular, lying among the booms, that they had often been
the subject of conversation between the mates and myself, neither of
the former being able to tell their uses. These sticks were of no great
length, some fifteen feet at the most, of sound English oak. Two or
three pairs were alike, for they were in pairs, each pair having one of
the sides of a shape resembling different parts of the ship’s bottom,
with the exception that they were chiefly concave, while the bottom of
a vessel is mainly convex. At one extremity each pair was firmly
connected by a short, massive, iron link, of about two feet in length;
and, at its opposite end, a large eye-bolt was driven into each stick,
where it was securely forelocked. When the Walrus was stationary, we
learned, for the first time, the uses of these unusual preparations. A
pair of the timbers, which were of great solidity and strength, were
dropped over the stern, and, sinking beneath the keel, their upper
extremities were separated by means of lanyards turned into the
eye-bolts. The lanyards were then brought forward to the bilge of the
vessel, where, by the help of tackles, the timbers were rowsed up in
such a manner that the links came close to the false keel, and the
timbers themselves were laid snug against each side of the ship. As
great care had been taken, by means of marks on the vessel, as well as
in forming the skids themselves, the fit was perfect. No less than five
pairs were secured in and near the bilge, and as many more were
distributed forwards and aft, according to the shape of the bottom.
Fore-and-aft pieces, that reached from one skid to the other, were then
placed between those about the bilge of the ship, each of them having a
certain number of short ribs, extending upwards and downwards. These
fore-and-aft pieces were laid along the waterline, their ends entering
the skids by means of mortices and tenons, where they were snugly
bolted. The result of the entire arrangement was, to give the vessel an
exterior protection against the field-ice, by means of a sort of
network of timber, the whole of which had been so accurately fitted in
the dock, as to bear equally on her frame. These preparations were not
fairly completed before ten o’clock on the following morning, when Noah
stood directly for an opening in the ice before us, which just about
that time began to be apparent.

“We sha’nt go so fast for our armor,” observed the cautious old sealer;
“but what we want in heels, we’ll make up in bottom.”

For the whole of that day we worked our devious course, by great labor
and at uncertain intervals, to the southward; and at night we fastened
the Walrus to a floe, in waiting for the return of light. Just as the
day dawned, however, I heard a tremendous grating sound against the
side of the vessel; and rushing on deck, I found that we were
completely caught between two immense fields, which seemed to be
attracted towards each other for no other apparent purpose than to
crush us. Here it was that the expedient of Captain Poke made manifest
its merits. Protected by the massive timbers and false ribs, the bilge
of the ship resisted the pressure; and as, under such circumstances,
something must yield, luckily nothing but the attraction of gravitation
was overcome. The skids, through their inclination, acted as wedges,
the links pressing against the keel; and in the course of an hour the
Walrus was gradually lifted out of the water, maintaining her upright
position, in consequence of the powerful nip of the floes. No sooner
was this experiment handsomely effected, than Mr. Poke jumped upon the
ice, and commenced an examination of the ship’s bottom.

“Here’s a dry-dock for you, Sir John!” exclaimed the old sealer,
chuckling. “I’ll have a patent for this, the moment I put foot ag’in in
Stunin’tun.”

A feeling of security, to which I had been a stranger ever since we
entered the ice, was created by the composure of Noah, and by his
self-congratulation at what he called his project to get a look at the
Walrus’s bottom. Notwithstanding all the fine declarations of
exultation and success, however, that he flourished among us who were
not mariners, I was much disposed to think that, like other men of
extraordinary genius, he had blundered on the grand result of his
“ice-screws,” and that it was not foreseen and calculated. Let this be
as it may, however, all hands were soon on the floe, with brooms,
scrapers, hammers, and nails, and the opportunity of repairing and
cleaning was thoroughly improved.

For four-and-twenty hours the ship remained in the same attitude, still
as a church, and some of us began to entertain apprehensions that she
might be kept on her frozen blocks forever. The accident had happened,
according to the statements of Captain Poke, in lat. 78 degrees 13′
26″—although I never knew in what manner he ascertained the important
particular of our precise situation. Thinking it might be well to get
some more accurate ideas on this subject, after so long and ticklish a
run, I procured the quadrant from Bob Ape, and brought it down upon the
ice, where I made it a point, as an especial favor, the weather being
favorable and the proper hour near, that our commander would correct
his instinct by a solar observation. Noah protested that your old
seaman, especially if a sealer and a Stunin’tunner, had no occasion for
such geometry operations, as he termed them; that it might be well
enough, perhaps necessary, for your counting-house, silk-gloved
captains, who run between New York and Liverpool, to be rubbing up
their glasses and polishing their sextants, for they hardly ever knew
where they were, except at such times; but as for himself, he had
little need of turning star-gazer at his time of life, and that as he
had already told me, he was getting to be near-sighted, and had some
doubts whether he could discern an object like the sun, that was known
to be so many thousands of millions of miles from the earth. These
scruples, however, were overcome by my cleaning the glasses, preparing
a barrel for him to stand on, that he might be at the customary
elevation above his horizon, and putting the instrument into his hands,
the mates standing near, ready to make the calculations when he gave
the sun’s declination.

“We are drifting south’ard, I know,” said Mr. Poke before he commenced
his sight—“I feel it in my bones. We are at this moment in 79 degrees
36′ 14″.—having made a southerly drift of more than eighty miles since
yesterday noon. Now mind my words, and see what the sun will say about
it.”

When the calculations were made, our latitude was found to be 79
degrees 35′ 47″. Noah was somewhat puzzled by the difference, for which
he could in no plausible way account, as the observation had been
unusually good and certain. But an opinionated and an ingenious man is
seldom at a loss to find a sufficient reason to establish his own
correctness, or to prove the mistakes of others.

“Ay, I see how it is,” he said, after a little cogitation, “the sun
must be wrong—it should be no wonder if the sun did get a little out of
his track in these high, cold latitudes. Yes, yes; the sun must be
wrong.”

I was too much delighted at being certain we were going on our course
to dispute the point, and the great luminary was abandoned to the
imputation of sometimes being in error. Dr. Reasono took occasion to
say, in my private ear, that there was a sect of philosophers in
Leaphigh, who had long distrusted the accuracy of the planetary system,
and who had even thrown out hints that the earth, In its annual
revolution, moved in a direction absolutely contrary to that which
nature had contemplated when she gave the original polar impulse; but
that, as regarded himself, he thought very little of these opinions, as
he had frequent occasion to observe that there was a large class of
monikins whose ideas always went uphill.

For two more days and as many nights, we continued to drift with the
floes to the southward, or as near as might be, towards the haven of
our wishes. On the fourth morning, there was a suitable change in the
weather; both thermometer and barometer rose; the air became more
bland, and most of our cats and dogs, notwithstanding we were still
surrounded by the ice, began to cast their skins. Dr. Reasono noted
these signs, and stepping on the floe, he brought back with him a
considerable fragment of the frozen element. This was carried to the
camboose, where it was subjected to the action of fire, which, within a
given number of minutes, pretty much as a matter of course, as I
thought, caused it to melt. The whole process was watched with an
anxiety the most intense, by the whole of the monikins, however; and
when the result was announced, the amiable and lovely Chatterissa
clapped her pretty little pattes with joy, and gave all the other
natural indications of delight, which characterize the emotions of that
gentle sex of which she was so bright an ornament. Dr. Reasono was not
backwards in explaining the cause of so much unusual exhilaration, for
hitherto her manner had been characterized by the well-bred and
sophisticated restraint which marks high training. The experiment had
shown, by the infallible and scientific tests of monikin chemistry,
that we were now within the influence of a steam-climate, and there
could no longer be any rational doubt of our eventual arrival in the
polar basin.

The result proved that the philosopher was right. About noon the floes,
which all that day had begun to assume what is termed a “sloppy
character,” suddenly gave way, and the Walrus settled down into her
proper element, with great equanimity and propriety. Captain Poke lost
no time in unshipping the skids; and a smacking breeze, that was well
saturated with steam, springing up from the westward, we made sail. Our
course was due south, without regard to the ice, which yielded before
our bows like so much thick water, and just as the sun set, we entered
the open sea, rioting in the luxuriance of its genial climate, in
triumph.

Sail was carried on the ship all that night; and just as the day
dawned, we made the first mile-stone, a proof, not to be mistaken, that
we were now actually within the monikin region. Dr. Reasono had the
goodness to explain to us the history of these aquatic phenomena. It
would seem that when the earth exploded, its entire crust, throughout
the whole of this part of the world, was started upwards in such a way
as to give a very uniform depth to the sea, which in no place exceeds
four fathoms. It follows, as a consequence, that no prevalence of
northerly winds can force the icebergs beyond 78 degrees of south
latitude, as they invariably ground on reaching the outer edge of the
polar bank. The floes, being thin, are melted of course; and thus, by
this beneficent prevention, the monikin world is kept entirely free
from the very danger to which a vulgar mind would be the most apt to
believe it is the most exposed.

A congress of nations had been held, about five centuries since, which
was called the Holy-philo-marine-safety-and-find-the-way Alliance. At
this congress the high contracting parties agreed to name a commission
to make provision, generally, for the secure navigation of the seas.
One of the expedients of this commission, which, by the way, is said to
have been composed of very illustrious monikins, was to cause massive
blocks of stone to be laid down, at measured distances, throughout the
whole of the basin, and in which other stone uprights were secured. The
necessary inscriptions were graved on proper tablets, and as we
approached the one already named, I observed that it had the image of a
monikin, carved also in stone, with his tail extended in a right line,
pointing, as Mr. Poke assured me, S. and by W. half W. I had made
sufficient progress in the monikin language to read, as we glided past
this watermark—“To Leaphigh,—15 miles.” One monikin mile, however, we
were next told, was equal to nine English statute miles; and,
consequently, we were not so near our port as was at first supposed. I
expressed great satisfaction at finding ourselves so fairly on the
road, however, and paid Dr. Reasono some well-merited compliments on
the high state of civilization to which his species had evidently
arrived. The day was not distant, I added, when it was reasonable to
suppose, our own seas would have floating restaurants and cafes, with
suitable pot-houses for the mariners; though I did not well see how we
were to provide a substitute for their own excellent organization of
mile-stones. The Doctor received my compliments with becoming modesty,
saying that he had no doubt mankind would do all that lay in their
power to have good eating and drinking-houses, whereever they could be
established; but as to the marine milestones, he agreed with me, that
there was little hope of their being planted, until the crust of the
earth should be driven upwards, so as to rise within four fathoms of
the surface of the water. On the other hand, Captain Poke held this
latter improvement very cheap. He affirmed it was no sign of
civilization at all, for, as a man became civilized, he had less need
of primers and finger-boards; and, as for Leaphigh, any tolerable
navigator could see it bore S. by W. half W. allowing for variation,
distant 135 English miles. To these objections I was silent, for I had
frequent occasion to observe that men very often underrate any
advantage of which they have come into the enjoyment by a providential
interposition.

Just as the sun was in the meridian, the cry of “land ahead” was heard
from aloft. The monikins were all smiles and gratitude; the crew were
excited by admiration and wonder; and as for myself, I was literally
ready to jump out of my skin, not only with delight, but, in some
measure also, from the exceeding warmth of the atmosphere. Our cats and
dogs began to uncase; Bob was obliged to unmask his most exposed
frontier, by removing the union-jack; and Noah himself fairly appeared
on deck in his shirt and night-cap. The amiable strangers were too much
occupied to be particular, and I slipped into my state-room to change
my toilet to a dress of thin silk, that was painted to resemble the
skin of a polar bear—a contradiction between things that is much too
common in our species ever to be deemed out of fashion.

We neared the land with great rapidity, impelled by a steam-breeze, and
just as the sun sank in the horizon our anchor was let go, in the outer
harbor of the city of Aggregation.




CHAPTER XV.
AN ARRIVAL—FORMS OF RECEPTION—SEVERAL NEW CHRISTENINGS—AN OFFICIAL
DOCUMENT, ND TERRA FIRMA.


It is always agreeable to arrive safe, at the end of a long, fatiguing,
and hazardous journey. But the pleasure is considerably augmented when
the visit is paid to a novel region, with a steam-climate, and which is
peopled by a new species. My own satisfaction, too was coupled with the
reflection that I had been of real service to four very interesting and
well-bred strangers, who had been cast, by an adverse fortune, into the
hands of humanity, and who owed to me a boon far more precious than
life itself—a restoration to their natural and acquired rights, their
proper stations in society, and sacred liberty! The reader will judge,
therefore, with what inward self-congratulation I now received the
acknowledgments of the whole monikin party, and listened to their most
solemn protestations ever to consider, not only all they might jointly
and severally possess in the way of estates and dignities, at my entire
disposal, but their persons as my slaves. Of course, I made as light as
possible of any little service I might have done them, protesting in my
turn, that I looked upon the whole affair more in the light of a party
of pleasure than a tax, reminding them that I had not only obtained an
insight into a new philosophy, but that I was already, thanks to the
decimal system, a tolerable proficient in their ancient and learned
language. These civilities were scarcely well over, before we were
boarded by the boat of the port-captain.

The arrival of a human ship was an event likely to create excitement in
a monikin country; and as our approach had been witnessed for several
hours, preparations had been made to give us a proper reception. The
section of the academy to whom is committed the custody of the “Science
of Indications,” was hastily assembled by order of the king, who, by
the way, never speaks except through the mouth of his oldest male first
cousin, who, by the fundamental laws of the realm, is held responsible
for all his official acts (in private, the king is allowed almost as
many privileges as any other monikin), and who, as is due to him in
simple justice, is permitted to exercise, in a public point of view,
the functions of the eyes, ears, nose, conscience, and tail of the
monarch. The savans were active, and as they proceeded with method, and
on well-established principles, their report was quickly made. It
contained, as we afterwards understood, seven sheets of premises,
eleven of argument, sixteen of conjecture, and two lines of deduction.
This heavy draft on the monikin intellect was duly achieved by dividing
the work into as many parts as there were members of the section
present, viz., forty. The substance of their labors was, to say that
the vessel in sight was a strange vessel; that it came to a strange
country, on a strange errand, being manned by strangers; and that its
objects were more likely to be peaceful than warlike, since the glasses
of the academy did not enable them to discover any means of annoyance,
with the exception of certain wild beasts, who appeared, however, to be
peaceably occupied in working the ship. All this was sententiously
expressed in the purest monikin language. The effect of the report was,
to cause all hostile preparations to be abandoned.

No sooner did the boat of the port-captain return to the shore with the
news that the strange ship had arrived with my Lord Chatterino, my Lady
Chatterissa and Dr. Reasono than there was a general burst of joy along
the strand. In a very short time the king—alias his eldest first cousin
of the male gender—ordered the usual compliments to be paid to his
distinguished subjects. A deputation of young lords the hopes of
Leaphigh came off to receive their colleague; whilst a bevy of
beautiful maidens of noble birth crowded around the smiling and
graceful Chatterissa, gladdening her heart with their caressing manners
and felicitations. The noble pair left us in separate boats, each
attended by an appropriate escort. We overlooked the little neglect of
forgetting to take leave of us, for joy had quite set them both beside
themselves. Next came a long procession composed of high numbers, all
of the “brown-study color.” These learned and dignified persons were a
deputation from the academy, which had sent forth no less than forty of
its number to receive Dr. Reasono. The meeting between these loving
friends of monikinity and of knowledge, was conducted on the most
approved principles of reason. Each section (there are forty in the
academy of Leaphigh) made an address, to all of which the Doctor
returned suitable replies, always using exactly the same sentiments,
but varying the subject by transpositions, as dictionaries are known to
be composed by the ingenious combinations of the twenty-six letters of
the alphabet. Dr. Reasono withdrew with his coadjutors, to my surprise
paying not a whit more attention to Captain Poke and myself, than would
be paid in any highly-civilized country of Christendom, on a similar
occasion, by a collection of the learned, to the accidental presence of
two monkeys. I thought this augured badly, and began to feel as became
Sir John Goldencalf, Bart., of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of
Great Britain, when my sensations were nipped in the bud by the arrival
of the officers of registration and circulation. It was the duty of the
latter to give us the proper passports to enter into and to circulate
within the country, after the former had properly enregistered our
numbers and colors, in such a way as to bring us within the reach of
taxation. The officer of registration was very expeditious from long
practice. He decided, at once, that I formed a new class by myself; of
which, of course, I was No. 1. The captain and his two mates formed
another, Nos. 1, 2, and 3. Bob had a class also to himself, and the
honors of No. 1; and the crew formed a fresh class, being numbered
according to height, as the register deemed their merits to be
altogether physical. Next came the important point of color, on which
depended the quality of the class or caste, the numbers merely
indicating our respective stations in the particular divisions. After a
good deal of deliberation, and many interrogatories, I was enregistered
as No. 1, flesh-color. Noah as No. 1, sea-water color, and his mates 2
and 3, accordingly. Bob as No. 1, smut-color, and the crew as Nos. 1,
2, 3, etc., tar-color. The officer now called upon an assistant to come
forth with a sort of knitting-needle heated red-hot, in order to affix
the official stamp to each in succession. Luckily for us all, Noah
happened to be the first to whom the agent of the stamp-office applied,
to uncase and to prepare for the operation. The result was one of those
bursts of eloquent and logical vituperation, and of remonstrating
outcries, to which any new personal exaction never failed to give birth
in the sealer. His discourse on this occasion might be divided into the
several following heads, all of which were very ingeniously embellished
by the usual expletives and imagery:—“He was not a beast to be branded
like a horse, nor a slave to be treated like a Congo nigger; he saw no
use in applying the marks to men, who were sufficiently distinguished
from monkeys already; Sir John had a handle before his name, and if he
liked it, he might carry his name behind his body, by way of
counterpoise, but for his part, he wanted no outriggers of the sort,
being satisfied with plain Noah Poke; he was a republican, and it was
anti-republican for a man to carry about with him graven images; he
thought it might be even flying in the face of the Scriptures, or what
was worse, turning his back on them; he said that the Walrus had her
name, in good legible characters on her starn, and that might answer
for both of them; he protested, d—n his eyes, that he wouldn’t be
branded like a thief; he incontinently wished the keeper of the privy
seal to the d—-l; he insisted there was no use in the practice, unless
one threw all aback, and went starn foremost into society, a rudeness
at which human natur’ revolted; he knew a man in Stunin’tun who had
five names, and he should like to know what they would do with him, if
this practice should come into fashion there; he had no objection to a
little paint, but no red-hot knitting-needle should make acquaintance
with his flesh, so long as he walked his quarter-deck.”

The keeper of the seals listened to this remonstrance with singular
patience and decorum; a forbearance that was probably owing to his not
understanding a word that had been said. But there is a language that
is universal, and it is not less easy to comprehend when a man is in a
passion, than it is to comprehend any other irritated animal. The
officer of the registration department, on this hint, politely inquired
of me, if some part of his official duties were not particularly
disagreeable to No. 1, sea-water color. On my admitting that the
captain was reluctant to be branded, he merely shrugged his shoulders,
and observed that the exactions of the public were seldom agreeable,
but that duty was duty, that the stamp act was peremptory, and not a
foot of ours could touch Leaphigh until we were all checked off in this
manner, in exact conformity with the registration. I was much puzzled
what to do, by this indomitable purpose to perform his duty in the
officer; for, to own the truth, my own cuticle had quite as much
aversion to the operation, as of Captain Poke himself. It was not the
principle so much as the novelty of its application which distressed
me; for I had travelled too much not to know that a stranger rarely
enters a civilized country without being more or less skinned, the
merest savages only permitting him to pass unscathed. It suddenly came
to my recollection that the monikins had left all the remains of their
particular stores on board, consisting of an ample supply of delicious
nuts. Sending for a bag of the best of them, I ordered it to be put
into the register’s boat, informing him at the same time, that I was
conscious they were quite unworthy of him, but that I hoped, such as
they were, he would allow me to make an offering of them to his wife.
This attention was properly felt and received; and a few minutes
afterwards, a certificate in the following words was put into my hands,
viz.:

“Leaphigh, season of promise, day of performance: Whereas, certain
persons of the human species have lately presented themselves to be
enregistered, according to the statute ‘for the promotion of order and
classification, and for the collection of contributions’; and whereas,
these persons are yet in the second class of the animal probation, and
are more subject to bodily impressions than the higher, or monikin
species: Now, know all monikins, etc., that they are stamped in paint,
and that only by their numbers; each class among them being easily to
be distinguished from the others, by outward and indelible proofs.

“Signed,

“No. 8,020 office-color.”

I was told that all we had to do now was to mark ourselves with paint
or tar, as we might choose, the latter being recommended for the crew;
taking no further trouble than to number ourselves; and when we went
ashore, if any of the gens-d’armes inquired why we had not the legal
impression on our persons, which quite possibly would be the case, as
the law was absolute in its requisitions, all we had to do was to show
the certificate; but if the certificate was not sufficient, we were men
of the world, and understood the nature of things so well, that we did
not require to be taught so simple a proposition in philosophy, as that
which says, “like causes produce like effects”; and he presumed I could
not have so far overrated his merits, as to have sent the whole of my
nuts into his boat. I avow that I was not very sorry to hear the
officer throw out these hints, for they convinced me that my journey
through Leaphigh would be accompanied with less embarrassment than I
had anticipated, since I now plainly perceived that monikins act on
principles that are not very essentially different from those of the
human race in general.

The complaisant register and the keeper of the privy seal took their
departure together, when we forthwith proceeded to number ourselves in
compliance with his advice. As the principle was already settled, we
had no difficulty with its application, Noah, Bob, myself, and the
largest of the seamen being all Nos. 1, and the rest ranking in order.
By this time it was night. The guard-boats began to appear on the
water, and we deferred disembarking until morning.

All hands were early afoot. It had been arranged that Captain Poke and
myself, attended by Bob, as a domestic, were to land, in order to make
a journey through the island, while the Walrus was to be left in charge
of the mates and the crew; the latter having permission to go ashore,
from time to time, as is the practice with all seamen in port. There
was a great deal of preliminary scrubbing and shaving, before the whole
party could appear on deck, properly attired for the occasion. Mr. Poke
wore a thin dress of linen, admirably designed to make him look like a
sea-lion; a conceit that he said was not only agreeable to his feelings
and habits, but which had a cool and pleasant character that was
altogether suited to a steam-climate. For my own part, I agreed with
the worthy sealer, seeing but little difference between his going in
this garb, and his going quite naked. My dress was made, on a design of
my own, after the social-stake system; or, in other words, it was so
arranged as to take an interest in half of the animals of Exeter
Change, to which MENAGERIE the artist by whom it had been painted was
sent expressly, in order to consult nature. Bob wore the effigy, as his
master called it, of a turnspit.

The monikins were by far too polished to crowd about us when we landed,
with an impertinent and troublesome curiosity. So far from this, we
were permitted to approach the capital itself without let or hindrance.
As it is less my intention to describe physical things than to dwell
upon the philosophy and the other moral aspects of the Leaphigh world,
little more will be said of their houses, domestic economy, and other
improvements in the arts, than may be gathered incidentally, as the
narrative shall proceed. Let it suffice to say on these heads, that the
Leaphigh monikins, like men, consult, or think they consult—which, so
long as they know no better, amounts to pretty much the same
thing—their own convenience in all things, the pocket alone excepted;
and that they continue very laudably to do as their fathers did before
them, seldom making changes, unless they may happen to possess the
recommendation of being exotics; when, indeed, they are sometimes
adopted, probably on account of their possessing the merit of having
been proved suitable to another state of things.

Among the first persons we met, on entering the great square of
Aggregation, as the capital of Leaphigh is called when rendered into
English, was my Lord Chatterino. He was gayly promenading with a
company of young nobles, who all seemed to be enjoying their youth,
health, rank, and privileges with infinite gusto. We met this party in
a way to render an escape from mutual recognition impossible. At first
I thought, from his averted eye, that it was the intention of our late
shipmate to consider our knowledge of each other as one of those
accidental acquaintances which, it is known, we all form at
watering-places, on journeys, or in the country, and which it is
ill-mannered to press upon others in town; or, as Captain Poke
afterwards expressed it, like the intimacy between an Englishman and a
Yankee, that has been formed in the house of the latter, on better wine
than is met with anywhere else, and which was never yet known to
withstand the influence of a British fog. “Why, Sir John,” the sealer
added, “I once tuck (he meant to say TOOK, not TUCKED) a countryman of
yours under my wing, at Stunin’tun, during the last war. He was a
prisoner, as we make prisoners; that is, he went and did pretty much as
he pleased; and the fellow had the best of everything—molasses that a
spoon would stand up in, pork that would do to slush down a topmast,
and New England rum, that a king might set down to, but could not get
up from—well, what was the end on’t? Why, as sure as we are among these
monkeys, the fellow BOOKED me. Had I BOOKED but the half of what he
guzzled, the amount, I do believe, would have taken the transaction out
of any justice’s court in the state. He said my molasses was meagre,
the pork lean, and the liquor infernal. There were truth and gratitude
for you! He gave the whul account, too, as a specimen of what he called
American living!”

Hereupon I reminded my companion, that an Englishman did not like to
receive even favors on compulsion; that when he meets a stranger in his
own country, and is master of his own actions, no man understands
better what true hospitality is, as I hoped one day to show him, at
Householder Hall; as to his first remark, he ought to remember that an
Englishman considered America as no more than the country, and that it
would be ill-mannered to press an acquaintance made there.

Noah, like most other men, was very reasonable on all subjects that did
not interfere with his prejudices or his opinions; and he very readily
admitted the general justice of my reply.

“It’s pretty much as you say, Sir John,” he continued; “in England you
may press men, but it won’t do to press hospitality. Get a volunteer in
this way, and he is as good a fellow as heart can wish. I shouldn’t
have cared so much about the chap’s book, if he had said nothin’ ag’in
the rum. Why, Sir John, when the English bombarded Stunin’tun with
eighteen pounders, I proposed to load our old twelve with a gallon out
of the very same cask, for I do think it would have huv’ the shot the
best part of a mile!”

—But this digression is leading me from the narrative. My Lord
Chatterino turned his head a little on one side as we were passing, and
I was deliberating whether, under the circumstances, it would be
well-bred to remind him of our old acquaintance, when the question was
settled by the decision of Captain Poke, who placed himself in such a
position that it was no easy matter to get round him, through him, or
over him—or who laid himself what he called “athwart hawse.”

“Good morning, my lord,” said the straightforward seaman, who generally
went at a subject as he went at a seal. “A fine warm day; and the smell
of the land, after so long a passage, is quite agreeable to the nose,
whatever its ups and downs may be to the legs.”

The companions of the young peer looked amazed; and some of them, I
thought, notwithstanding gravity and earnestness are rather
characteristic of the monikin physiognomy, betrayed a slight
disposition to laugh. Not so with my Lord Chatterino himself.

He examined us a moment through a glass, and then seemed suddenly, and
on the whole, agreeably struck at seeing us.

“How, Goldencalf!” he cried in surprise, “you in Leaphigh! This is
indeed an unexpected satisfaction; for it will now be in my power to
prove some of the facts that I am telling my friends, by actual
observation. Here are two of the humans, gents, of whom I was but this
moment giving you some account—”

Observing a disposition to merriment in his associates, he continued,
looking exceedingly grave:—

“Restrain yourselves, gentlemen, I pray you. These are very worthy
people, I do assure you, in their own way, and are not at all to be
ridiculed. I scarcely know, even in our own marine, a better or a
bolder navigator than this honest seaman; and as for the one in the
parti-colored skin, I will take upon myself to say, that he is really a
person of some consideration in his own little circle. He is, I
believe, a member of par—par—par—am I right, Sir John?—a member of—”

“Parliament, my lord—an M.P.”

“Ay—I thought I had it—an M.P., or a member of Parliament, in his own
country, which, I dare say now, is some such thing among his people, as
a public proclaimer of those laws which come from his majesty’s eldest
first cousin of the masculine gender, may be among us. Some such
thing—eh—now—eh—is it not, Sir John?”

“I dare say it is, my lord.”

“All very true, Chatterino,” put in one of the young monikins, with a
very long, elaborated tail, which he carried nearly perpendicular—“but
what would be even a lawmaker—to say nothing of law-BREAKERS like
ourselves—among men! You should remember, my dear fellow, that a mere
title, or a profession, is not the criterion of true greatness; but
that the prodigy of a village may be a very common monikin in town.”

“Poh-poh”—interrupted Lord Chatterino, “thou art ever for refining,
Hightail—Sir John Goldencalf is a very respectable person in the island
of—a—a—a—what do you call that said island of yours, Goldencalf?—a—a—”

“Great Britain, my lord.”

“Ay, Great Breeches sure enough; yet, he is a respectable person—I can
take it upon myself to say, with confidence, a very respectable person
in Great Breeches. I dare say he owns no small portion of the island
himself. How much, now, Sir John, if the truth were told?”

“Only the estate and village of Householder, my lord, with a few
scattered manors here and there.”

“Well, that is a very pretty thing, there can be no doubt—then you have
money at use?”

“And who is the debtor?” sneeringly inquired the jack-a-napes Hightail.

“No other, my Lord Hightail, than the realm of Great Britain.”

“Exquisite, that, egad! A noble’s fortune in the custody of the realm
of a—Greek—a—”

“Great Breeches,” interrupted my Lord Chatterino, who, notwithstanding
he swore he was excessively angry with his friend for his obstinate
incredulity, very evidently had to exercise some forbearance to keep
from joining in the general laugh. “It is a very respectable country, I
do protest; and I scarcely remember to have tasted better gooseberries
than they grow in that very island.”

“What! have they really gardens, Chatterino?”

“Certainly—after a fashion—and houses, and public conveyances—and even
universities.”

“You do not mean to say, certainly, that they have a system!”

“Why, as to system, I believe they are a little at sixes and sevens. I
really can’t take it upon myself to say that they have a system.”

“Oh, yes, my lord—of a certainty we have one—the social stake system.”

“Ask the creature,” whispered audibly the filthy coxcomb Hightail, “if
he himself, now, has any income.”

“How is it, Sir John—have you an income?”

“Yes, my lord, of one hundred and twelve thousand sovereigns a year.”

“Of what?—of what?” demanded two or three voices, with well-bred,
subdued eagerness.

“Of sovereigns—why that means kings!”

It would appear that the Leaphighers, while they obey only the king’s
eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, perform all their official
acts in the name of the sovereign himself, for whose person and
character they pretty uniformly express the profoundest veneration;
just as we men express admiration for a virtue that we never practise.
My declaration, therefore, produced a strong sensation, and I was soon
required to explain myself. This I did, by simply stating the truth.

“Oh, gold, yclept sovereigns!” exclaimed three or four, laughing
heartily. “Why then, your famous Great Breeches people, after all,
Chatterino, are so little advanced in civilization as to use gold!
Harkee, Signior—a—a—Boldercraft, have you no currency in ‘promises’?”

“I do not know, sir, that I rightly comprehend the question.”

“Why, we poor barbarians, sir, who live as you see us, only in a state
of simplicity and nature,”—there was irony in every syllable the
impudent scoundrel uttered—“we poor wretches, or rather our ancestors,
made the discovery, that for the purposes of convenience, having, as
you perceive, no pockets, it might be well to convert all our currency
into ‘promises.’ Now, I would ask if you have any of that coin?”

“Not as coin, sir, but as collateral to coin, we have plenty.”

“He speaks of collaterals in currency, as if he were discussing a
pedigree! Are you really, Mynherr Shouldercalf, so little advanced in
your country, as not to know the immense advantages of a currency of
‘promises’?”

“As I do not understand exactly what the nature of this currency is,
sir, I cannot answer as readily as I could wish.”

“Let us explain it to him; for, I vow, I am really curious to hear his
answer. Chatterino, do you, who have some knowledge of the thing’s
habits, be our interpreter.”

“The matter is thus, Sir John. About five hundred years ago, our
ancestors, having reached that pass in civilization when they came to
dispense with the use of pockets, began to find it necessary to
substitute a new currency for that of the metals, which it was
inconvenient to carry, of which they might be robbed, and which also
was liable to be counterfeited. The first expedient was to try a
lighter substitute. Laws were passed giving value to linen and cotton,
in the raw material; then compounded and manufactured; next, written
on, and reduced in bulk, until, having passed through the several
gradations of wrapping-paper, brown-paper, foolscap and blotting-paper,
and having set the plan fairly at work, and got confidence thoroughly
established, the system was perfected by a coup de main,—‘promises’ in
words were substituted for all other coin. You see the advantage at a
glance. A monikin can travel without pockets or baggage, and still
carry a million; the money cannot be counterfeited, nor can it be
stolen or burned.”

“But, my lord, does it not depreciate the value of property?”

“Just the contrary;—an acre that formerly could be bought for one
promise, would now bring a thousand.”

“This, certainly, is a great improvement, unless frequent failures—”

“Not at all; there has not been a bankruptcy in Leaphigh since the law
was passed making promises a legal tender.”

“I wonder no chancellor of the exchequer ever thought of this, at
home!”

“So much for your Great Breeches, Chatterino!” And then there was
another and a very general laugh. I never before felt so deep a sense
of national humility.

“As they have universities,” cried another coxcomb, “perhaps this
person has attended one of them.”

“Indeed, sir,” I answered, “I am regularly graduated.”

“It is not easy to see what he has done with his knowledge—for, though
my sight is none of the worst, I cannot trace the smallest sign of a
cauda about him.”

“Ah!” Lord Chatterino good-naturedly exclaimed, “the inhabitants of
Great Breeches carry their brains in their heads.”

“Their heads!”

“Heads!”

“That’s excellent, by his majesty’s prerogative! Here’s civilization,
with a vengeance!”

I now thought that the general ridicule would overwhelm me. Two or
three came closer, as if in pity or curiosity; and, at last, one cried
out that I actually wore clothes.

“Clothes—the wretch! Chatterino, do all your human friends wear
clothes?”

The young peer was obliged to confess the truth; and then there arose
such a clamor as may be fancied took place among the peacocks, when
they discovered the daw among them in masquerade. Human nature could
endure no more; and bowing to the company, I wished Lord Chatterino,
very hurriedly, good-morning, and proceeded towards the tavern.

“Don’t forget to step into Chatterino House, Goldencalf, before you
sail,” cried my late fellow-traveller, looking over his shoulder, and
nodding in quite a friendly way towards me.

“King!” exclaimed Captain Poke. “That blackguard ate a whole
bread-locker-full of nuts on our outward passage, and now he tells us
to step into his Chatterino House, before we sail!”

I endeavored to pacify the sealer, by an appeal to his philosophy. It
was true that men never forgot obligations, and were always excessively
anxious to repay them; but the monikins were an exceedingly instructed
species; they thought more of their minds than of their bodies, as was
plain by comparing the smallness of the latter with the length and
development of the seat of reason; and one of his experience should
know that good-breeding is decidedly an arbitrary quality, and that we
ought to respect its laws, however opposed to our own previous
practices.

“I dare say, friend Noah, you may have observed some material
difference in the usages of Paris, for instance, and those of
Stunin’tun.”

“That I have, Sir John, that I have; and altogether to the advantage of
Stunin’tun be they.”

“We are all addicted to the weakness of believing our own customs best;
and it requires that we should travel much, before we are able to
decide on points so nice.”

“And do you not call me a traveller! Haven’t I been sixteen times
a-sealing, twice a-whaling, without counting my cruise overland, and
this last run to Leaphigh!”

“Ay, you have gone over much land and much water, Mr. Poke; but your
stay in any given place has been just long enough to find fault. Usages
must be worn, like a shoe, before one can judge of the fit.”

It is possible Noah would have retorted, had not Mrs. Vigilance Lynx,
at that moment, come wriggling by, in a way to show she was much
satisfied with her safe return home. To own the truth, while striving
to find apologies for it, I had been a little contraire, as the French
term it, by the indifference of my Lord Chatterino, which, in my secret
heart, I was not slow in attributing to the manner in which a peer of
the realm of Leaphigh regarded, de haut en bas, a mere baronet of Great
Britain—or Great Breeches, as the young noble so pertinaciously
insisted on terming our illustrious island. Now as Mrs. Vigilance was
of “russet-color,” a caste of an inferior standing, I had little doubt
that she would be as glad to own an intimacy with Sir John Goldencalf
of Householder Hall, as the other might be willing to shuffle it off.

“Good-morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance,” I said familiarly, endeavoring to
wriggle in a way that WOULD have shaken a tail, had it been my good
fortune to be the owner of one—“Good-morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance—I’m
glad to meet you again on shore.”

I do not remember that Mrs. Vigilance, during the whole period of our
acquaintance, was particularly squeamish, or topping in her deportment.
On the contrary, she had rather made herself remarkable for a modest
and commendable reserve. But on the present occasion, she disappointed
all reasonable expectation, by shrinking on one side, uttering a slight
scream, and hurrying past as if she thought we might bite her. Indeed,
I can only compare her deportment to that of a female of our own, who
is so full of vanity as to fancy all eyes on her, and who gives herself
airs about a dog or a spider, because she thinks they make her look so
much the more interesting. Conversation was quite out of the question;
for the duenna hurried on, bending her head downwards, as if heartily
ashamed of an involuntary weakness.

“Well, good madam,” said Noah, whose stern eye followed her movements
until she was quite lost in the crowd, “you would have had a sleepless
v’yage, if I had foreimagined this! Sir John, these people stare at us
as if we were wild beasts!”

“I cannot say I am of your way of thinking, Captain Poke. To me they
seem to take no more notice of us, than we should take of two curs in
the streets of London.”

“I begin now to understand what the parsons mean when they talk of the
lost condition of man. It’s ra’ally awful to witness to what a state of
unfeelingness a people can be abandoned! Bob, get out of the way, you
grinning blackguard.”

Hereupon Bob received a salutation which would have demolished his
stern-frame, had it not been for the unionjack. Just then I was glad to
see Dr. Reasono advancing towards us, surrounded by a group of
attentive listeners, all of whom, by their years, gravity, and
deportment, I made no question were savants. As he drew near, I found
he was discoursing of the marvels of his late voyage. When within six
feet of us the whole party stopped, the Doctor continuing to descant
with a very proper gesticulation, and in a way to show that his subject
was of infinite interest to his listeners. Accidentally turning his eye
in our direction, he caught a glimpse of our figures, and making a few
hurried apologies to those around him, the excellent philosopher came
eagerly forward, with both hands extended. Here was a difference,
indeed, between his treatment and that of Lord Chatterino and the
duenna! The salutation was warmly returned; and the Doctor and myself
stepped a little apart, as he lost no time in informing me he wished to
say a word in private.

“My dear Sir John,” the philosopher began, “our arrival has been the
most happily-timed thing imaginable! All Leaphigh, by this time, is
filled with the subject; and you can scarcely conceive the importance
that is attached to the event. New sources of trade, scientific
discoveries, phenomena both moral and physical, and results that it is
thought may serve to raise the monikin civilization still higher than
ever! Fortunately, the academy holds its most solemn meeting of the
year this very day, and I have been formally requested to give the
assembly an outline of those events which have lately passed before my
eyes. The king’s eldest first cousin of the masculine gender is to
attend openly; and it is even conjectured, in a way to be quite
authentic, that the king himself will be present in his own royal
person.”

“How!” I exclaimed, “have you a mode, in Leaphigh, of rendering
conjectures certain?”

“Beyond a doubt, sir, or what would our civilization be worth? As to
the king’s majesty, we always deal in the most direct ambiguities. Now
as respects many of our ceremonies, the sovereign is known morally to
be present, when he may be actually and physically eating his dinner at
the other extremity of the island; this important illustration of the
royal ubiquity is effected by means of a legal fiction. On the other
hand, the king often indulges his natural propensities, such as
curiosity, love of fun, or detestation of ennui, by coming in person,
when, by the court fiction, he is thought to be seated on his throne,
in his own royal palace. Oh! as to all these little accomplishments and
graces in the art of truths, we are behind no people in the universe!”

“I beg pardon, Doctor—so his majesty is expected to be at the academy
this morning?”

“In a private box. Now this affair is of the last importance to me as a
savant, to you as a human being—for it will have a tendency to raise
your whole species in the monikin estimation—and, lastly, to learning.
It will be indispensably necessary that you should attend, with as many
of your companions as possible, more especially the better specimens. I
was coming down to the landing in the hope of meeting you; and a
messenger has gone off to the ship to require that the people be sent
ashore forthwith. You will have a tribune to yourselves; and, really, I
do not like to express beforehand what I think concerning the degree of
attention you will all receive; but this much I think I can say—you
will see.”

“This proposition, Doctor, has taken me a little by surprise, and I
hardly know what answer to give.”

“You cannot say no, Sir John; for should his majesty hear that you have
refused to come to a meeting at which he is to be present, it would
seriously, and, I might add, justly offend him, nor could I answer for
the consequences.”

“Why, I was told that all the power was in the hands of his majesty’s
eldest first cousin of the masculine gender; in which case I thought I
might snap my fingers at his majesty himself.”

“Not in opinion, Sir John, which is one of the three estates of the
government. Ours is a government of three estates—viz., the law,
opinion, and practice. By law the king rules, by practice his cousin
rules, and by opinion the king again rules. Thus, is the strong point
of practice balanced by law and opinion. This it is that constitutes
the harmony and perfection of the system. No, it would never do to
offend his majesty.”

Although I did not very well comprehend the Doctor’s argument, yet, as
I had often found in human society, theories political, moral,
theological, and philosophical, that everybody had faith in, and which
nobody understood, I thought discussion useless, and gave up the point
by promising the Doctor to be at the academy in half an hour, which was
the time named for our appearance. Taking the necessary directions to
find the place, we separated; he to hasten to make his preparations,
and I to reach the tavern, in order to deposit our baggage, that no
decency might be overlooked on an occasion so solemn.




CHAPTER XVI.
AN INN—DEBTS PAID IN ADVANCE, AND A SINGULAR TOUCH OF HUMAN NATURE
FOUND CLOSELY INCORPORATED WITH MONIKIN NATURE


We soon secured rooms, ordered dinner, brushed our clothes, and made
the other little arrangements that it was necessary to observe for the
credit of the species. Everything being ready, we left the inn, and
hurried towards the “Palais des Arts et des Sciences.” We had not got
out of sight of the inn, however, before one of its garçons was at our
heels with a message from his mistress. He told us, in very respectful
tones, that his master was out, and that he had taken with him the key
of the strong-box; that there was not actually money enough in the
drawer to furnish an entertainment for such great persons as ourselves,
and she had taken the liberty to send us a bill receipted, with a
request that we would make a small advance, rather than reduce her to
the mortification of treating such distinguished guests in an unworthy
manner. The bill read as follows:—

  No. 1 parti-color and friends,

  To No. 82,763 grape-color.                              Dr.
  To use of apartments, with meals and lights, as per
  agreement, _p.p._ 300 per diem--one day,              _p.p._ 300
  By cash advanced,                                             50
                                                              ----
                                           Balance due, _p.p._ 250

“This seems all right,” I observed to Noah; but I am, at this moment,
as penniless as the good woman herself. I really do not see what we are
to do, unless Bob sends her back his store of nuts—”

“Harkee, my nimble-go-hop,” put in the seaman, “what is your pleasure?”

The waiter referred to the bill, as expressing his mistress’s wants.

“What are these p. p. that I find noted in the bill—play or pay, hey?”

“Promises, of course, your honor.”

“Oh! then you desire fifty promises, to provide our dinner.”

“Nothing more, sir. With that sum you shall dine like noblemen—ay, sir,
like aldermen.”

I was delighted to find that this worthy class of beings have the same
propensities in all countries.

“Here, take a hundred,” answered Noah, snapping his fingers, “and make
no bones of it. And harkee, my worthy—lay out every farthing of them in
the fare. Let there be good cheer, and no one will grumble at the bill.
I am ready to buy the inn, and all it holds, at need.”

The waiter departed well satisfied with these assurances, and
apparently in the anticipation of good vails for his own trouble.

We soon got into the current that was setting towards our place of
destination. On reaching the gate, we found that we were anxiously
expected; for there was an attendant in waiting, who instantly
conducted us to the seats that were provided for our special reception.
It is always agreeable to be among the privileged, and I must own that
we were all not a little flattered, on finding that an elevated tribune
had been prepared for us, in the centre of the rotunda in which the
academy held its sittings, so that we could see, and be seen by, every
individual of the crowded assembly. The whole crew, even to the negro
cook, had preceded us; an additional compliment, that I did not fail to
acknowledge by suitable salutations to all the members present. After
the first feelings of pleasure and surprise were a little abated, I had
leisure to look about me and to survey the company.

The academicians occupied the whole of the body of the rotunda, the
space taken up by the erection of our temporary tribune alone excepted,
while there were sofas, chairs, tribunes, and benches arranged for the
spectators, in the outer circles, and along the side-walls of the hall.
As the edifice itself was very large, and mind had so essentially
reduced matter in the monikin species, there could not have been less
than fifty thousand tails present. Just before the ceremonies
commenced, Dr. Reasono approached our tribbune, passing from one to
another of the party, saying a pleasant and encouraging word to each,
in a way to create high expectations in us all as to what was to
follow. We were so very evidently honored and distinguished, that I
struggled hard to subdue any unworthy feeling of pride, as unbecoming
human meekness, and in order to maintain a philosophical equanimity
under the manifestations of respect and gratitude that I knew were
about to be lavished upon even the meanest of our party. The Doctor was
yet in the midst of his pointed attentions, when the king’s eldest
first cousin of the masculine gender entered, and the business of the
meeting immediately began. I profited by a short pause, however, to say
a few words to my companions. I told them that there would soon be a
serious demand on their modesty. We had performed a great and generous
exploit, and it did not become us to lessen its merit by betraying a
vainglorious self-esteem. I implored them all to take pattern by me;
promising, in the end, that their new friends would trebly prize their
hardihood, self-denial, and skill.

There was a new member of the academy of Latent Sympathies to be
received and installed. A long discourse was read by one of this
department of the monikin learning, which pointed out and enlarged on
the rare merits of the new academician. He was followed by the latter;
who in a very elaborate production, that consumed just fifty-five
minutes in the reading, tried all he could to persuade the audience
that the defunct was a loss to the world, that no accident or
application would ever repair, and that he himself was precisely the
worst person who could have been selected to be his successor. I was a
little surprised at the perfect coolness with which the learned body
listened to a reproach that was so very distinctly and perseveringly
thrown, as it were, into their very teeth. But a more intimate
acquaintance with monikin society satisfied me, that any one might say
just what he pleased, so long as he allowed that every one else was an
excellent fellow, and he himself the poorest devil going. When the new
member had triumphantly established his position, and just as I thought
the colleagues were bound, in common honesty, to reconsider their vote,
he concluded, and took his seat among them with quite as much assurance
as the best philosopher of them all.

After a short pause, and an abundance of felicitations on his excellent
and self-abasing discourse, the newly admitted member again rose, and
began to read an essay on some discoveries he had made in the science
of Latent Sympathies. According to his account of the matter, every
monikin possessed a fluid which was invisible, like the animalcula
which pervade nature, and which required only to be brought into
command, and to be reduced into more rigid laws, to become the
substitute for the senses of sight, touch, taste, hearing, and
smelling. This fluid was communicable; and had already been so far
rendered subject to the will, as to make it of service in seeing in the
dark, in smelling when the operator had a bad cold, in tasting when the
palate was down, and in touching by proxy. Ideas had been transmitted,
through its agency, sixty-two leagues in one minute and a half. Two
monikins, who were afflicted with diseased tails, had during the last
two years, been insulated and saturated, and had then lost those
embellishments, by operations; a quantity of the fluid having been
substituted in their places so happily, that the patients fancied
themselves more than ever conspicuous for the length and finesse of
their caudce. An experiment had also been successfully tried on a
member of the lower house of parliament, who, being married to a
monikina of unusual mind, had for a long time been supplied with ideas
from this source, although his partner was compelled to remain at home,
in order to superintend the management of their estate, forty-two miles
from town, during the whole session. He particularly recommended to
government the promotion of this science, as it might be useful in
obtaining evidence for the purposes of justice, in detecting
conspiracies, in collecting the taxes, and selecting candidates for
trusts of a responsible nature. The suggestion was well received by the
king’s cousin, more especially those parts that alluded to sedition and
the revenue.

This essay was also perfectly well received by the savans, for I
afterwards found very little came amiss to the academy; and the members
named a committee forthwith, to examine into “the facts concerning
invisible and unknown fluids, their agency, importance, and relations
to monikin happiness.”

We were next favored with a discussion on the different significations
of the word gorstchwzyb; which, rendered into English, means “eh!” The
celebrated philologist who treated the subject, discovered amazing
ingenuity in expatiating on its ramifications and deductions. First he
tried the letters by transpositions, by which he triumphantly proved
that it was derived from all the languages of the ancients; the same
process showed that it possessed four thousand and two different
significations; he next reasoned most ably and comprehensively for ten
minutes, backwards and forwards, using no other word but this, applied
in its various senses; after which, he incontrovertibly established
that this important part of speech was so useful as to be useless, and
he concluded by a proposition, in which the academy coincided by
acclamation, that it should be forever and incontinently expunged from
the Leaphigh vocabulary. As the vote was carried by acclamation, the
king’s cousin arose, and declared that the writer who should so far
offend against good taste, as hereafter to make use of the condemned
word, should have two inches cut off the extremity of his tail. A
shudder among the ladies, who, I afterwards ascertained, loved to carry
their caudae as high as our women like to carry their heads, proved the
severity of the decree.

An experienced and seemingly much respected member now arose to make
the following proposal. He said it was known that the monikin species
were fast approaching perfection; that the increase of mind and the
decrease of matter were so very apparent as to admit of no denial;
that, in his own case, he found his physical powers diminish daily,
while his mental acquired new distinctness and force; that he could no
longer see without spectacles, hear without a tube, or taste without
high seasoning; from all this he inferred that they were drawing near
to some important change, and he wished that portion of the science of
Latent Sympathies which was connected with the unknown fluid just
treated on, might be referred to a committee on the whole, in order to
make some provision for the wants of a time when monikins should
finally lose their senses. There was nothing to say against a
proposition so plausible, and it was accepted nemine contradicente,
with the exception of a few in the minority.

There was now a good deal of whispering, much wagging of tails, and
other indications that the real business of the meeting was about to be
touched upon. All eyes were turned on Dr. Reasono, who, after a
suitable pause, entered a tribune prepared for solemn occasions, and
began his discourse.

The philosopher, who, having committed his essay to memory, spoke
extempore, commenced with a beautiful and most eloquent apostrophe to
learning, and to the enthusiasm which glows in the breasts of all her
real votaries, rendering them alike indifferent to their personal ease,
their temporal interests, danger, suffering, and tribulations of the
spirit. After this exordium, which was pronounced to be unique for its
simplicity and truth, he entered at once on the history of his own
recent adventures.

First alluding to the admirable character of that Leaphigh usage which
prescribes the Journey of Trial, our philosopher spoke of the manner in
which he had been selected to accompany my lord Chatterino on an
occasion so important to his future hopes. He dwelt on the physical
preparations, the previous study, and the moral machinery that he had
employed with his pupil, before they quitted town; all of which, there
is reason to think, were well fitted to their objects, as he was
constantly interrupted by murmurs of applause. After some time spent in
dilating on these points, I had, at length, the satisfaction to find
him, Mrs. Lynx, and their two wards, fairly setting out on a journey
which, as he very justly mentioned, proved “to be pregnant with events
of so much importance to knowledge in general, to the happiness of the
species, and to several highly interesting branches of monikin science,
in particular.” I say the satisfaction, for, to own the truth, I was
eager to witness the effect that would be made on the monikin
sensibilities, when he came to speak of my own discernment in detecting
their real characters beneath the contumely and disgrace in which it
had been my good fortune to find them, the promptitude with which I had
stepped forward to their relief, and the liberality and courage with
which I had furnished the means and encountered the risks that were
necessary to restore them to their native land. The anticipation of
this human triumph could not but diffuse a general satisfaction in our
own tribune—even the common mariners, as they recalled the dangers
through which they had passed, feeling a consciousness of deserving,
mingled with that soothing sentiment which is ever the companion of a
merited reward. As the philosopher drew nearer to the time when it
would be necessary to speak of us, I threw a look of triumph at Lord
Chatterino, which, however, failed of its intended effect—the young
peer continuing to whisper to his noble companions with just is much
self-importance and coolness as if he had not been one of the rescued
captives.

Dr. Reasono was justly celebrated, among his colleagues, for ingenuity
and eloquence. The excellent morals that he threw into every possible
opening of his subject, the beauty of the figures with which they were
illustrated, and the masculine tendencies of his argument, gave general
delight to the audience. The Journey of Trial was made to appear, what
it had been intended to be by the fathers and sages of the Leaphigh
institutions, a probation replete with admonitions and instruction. The
aged and experienced, who had grown callous by time, could not conceal
their exultation; the mature and suffering looked grave and full of
meditation; while the young and sanguine fairly trembled, and for once,
doubted. But, as the philosopher led his party from precipice to
precipice in safety, as rocks were scaled and seductive valleys
avoided, a common feeling of security began to extend itself among the
audience; and we all followed him in his last experiment among the ice,
with that sort of blind confidence which the soldier comes, in time, to
entertain in the orders of a tried and victorious general.

The Doctor was graphic in his account of the manner in which he and his
wards plunged among these new trials. The lovely Chatterissa (for all
his travelling companions were present) bent aside her head and
blushed, as the philosopher alluded to the manner in which the pure
flame that glowed in her gentle bosom resisted the chill influence of
that cold region; and when he recited an ardent declaration that my
lord Chatterino had made on the centre of a floe, and the kind and
amorous answer of his mistress, I thought the applause of the old
academicians would have actually brought the vaulted dome clattering
about our ears.

At length he reached the point in the narrative where the amiable
wanderers fell in with the sealers, on that unknown island to which
chance and an adverse fortune had unhappily led them, in their
pilgrimage. I had taken measures secretly to instruct Mr. Poke and the
rest of my companions, as to the manner in which it became us to demean
ourselves, while the Doctor was acquainting the academy with that first
outrage committed by human cupidity, or the seizure of himself and
friends. We were to rise, in a body, and, turning our faces a little on
one side, veil our eyes in sign of shame. Less than this, it struck me,
could scarcely be done, without manifesting an improper indifference to
monikin rights; and more than this, might have been identifying
ourselves with the particular individuals of the species who had
perpetrated the wrong. But there was no occasion to exhibit this
delicate attention to our learned hosts. The Doctor, with a refinement
of feeling that did credit, indeed, to monikin civilization, gave an
ingenious turn to the whole affair, which at once removed all cause of
shame from our species; and which, if it left reason for any to blush,
by a noble act of disinterestedness, threw the entire onus of the
obligation on himself. Instead of dwelling on the ruthless manner in
which he and his friends had been seized, the worthy Doctor very
tranquilly informed his listeners, that, finding himself, by hazard,
brought in contact with another species, and that the means of pushing
important discoveries were unexpectedly placed in his power; conscious
it had long been a desideratum with the savans to obtain a nearer view
and more correct notions of human society; believing he had a
discretion in the matter of his wards, and knowing that the inhabitants
of Leaplow, a republic which all disliked, were seriously talking of
sending out an expedition for this very purpose, he had promptly
decided to profit by events, to push inquiry to the extent of his
abilities, and to hazard all in the cause of learning and truth, by at
once engaging the vessel of the sealers, and sailing, without dread of
consequences, forthwith into the very bosom of the world of man!

I have listened with awe to the thunder of the tropics—I have held my
breath as the artillery of a fleet vomited forth its fire, and rent the
air with sudden concussions—I have heard the roar of the tumbling river
of the Canadas, and I have stood aghast at the crashing of a forest in
a tornado;—but never before did I feel so life-stirring, so thrilling
an emotion of surprise, alarm, and sympathy, as that which arose within
me, at the burst of commendation and delight with which this
announcement of self-devotion and enterprise was received by the
audience. Tails waved, pattes met each other in ecstasy, voice whistled
to voice, and there was one common cry of exultation, of rapture and of
glorification, at this proof, not of monikin, for that would have been
frittering away the triumph, but at this proof of Leaphigh courage.

During the clamor, I took an opportunity to express my satisfaction at
the handsome manner in which our friend the Doctor had passed over an
acknowledged human delinquency, and the ingenuity with which he had
turned the whole of the unhappy transaction to the glory of Leaphigh.
Noah answered that the philosopher had certainly shown a knowledge of
human natur’, and he presumed of monikin natur’, in the matter; no one
would now dispute his statement, since, as he knew by experience, no
one was so likely to be set down as a liar, as he who endeavored to
unsettle the good opinion that either a community or an individual
entertained of himself. This was the way at Stunin’tun, and he believed
this was pretty much the way at New York, or he might say with the
whole ’arth from pole to pole. As for himself, however, he owned he
should like to have a few minutes’ private conversation with the sealer
in question, to hear his account of the matter; he didn’t know any
owner in his part of the world, who would bear a captain out, should he
abandon a v’yage in this way, on no better security than the promises
of a monkey, and of a monkey, too, who must, of necessity, be an utter
stranger to him.

When the tumult of applause had a little abated, Dr. Reasono proceeded
with his narrative. He touched lightly on the accommodations of the
schooner, which he gave us reason to think were altogether of a quality
beneath the condition of her passengers; and he added that, falling in
with a larger and fairer vessel, which was making a passage between
Bombay and Great Britain, he profited by the occasion, to exchange
ships. This vessel touched at the island of St. Helena, where,
according to the Doctor’s account of the matter, he found means to pass
the greater part of a week on shore.

Of the island of St. Helena he gave a long, scientific, and certainly
an interesting account. It was reported to be volcanic, by the human
savans, he said, but a minute examination and a comparison of the
geological formation, etc., had quite satisfied him that their own
ancient account, which was contained in the mineralogical works of
Leaphigh, was the true one; or, in other words, that this rock was a
fragment of the polar world that had been blown away at the great
eruption, and which had become separated from the rest of the mass at
this spot, where it had fallen and become a fixture of the ocean. Here
the Doctor produced certain specimens of rock, which he submitted to
the learned present, inviting their attention to its character, and
asking, with great mineralogical confidence, if it did not intimately
resemble a well-known stratum of a mountain, within two leagues of the
very spot they were in? This triumphant proof of the truth of his
proposition was admirably received; and the philosopher was in
particular rewarded by the smiles of all the females present; for
ladies usually are well pleased with any demonstration that saves them
the trouble of comparison and reflection.

Before quitting this branch of his subject, the Doctor observed that,
interesting as were these proofs of the accuracy of their histories,
and of the great revolutions of inanimate nature, there was another
topic connected with St. Helena, which, he felt certain, would excite a
lively emotion in the breasts of all who heard him. At the period of
his visit, the island had been selected as a prison for a great
conqueror and disturber of his fellow-creatures; and public attention
was much drawn to the spot by this circumstance, few men coming there
who did not permit all their thoughts to be absorbed by the past acts
and the present fortunes of the individual in question. As for himself,
there was, of course, no great attraction in any events connected with
mere human greatness, the little struggles and convulsions of the
species containing no particular interest for a devotee of the monikin
philosophy; but the manner in which all eyes were drawn in one
direction, afforded him a liberty of action that he had eagerly
improved, in a way that, he humbly trusted, would not be thought
altogether unworthy of their approbation. While searching for minerals
among the cliffs, his attention had been drawn to certain animals that
are called monkeys, in the language of those regions; which, from very
obvious affinities of a physical nature, there was some reason to
believe might have had a common origin with the monikin species. The
academy would at once see how desirable it was to learn all the
interesting particulars of the habits, language, customs, marriages,
funerals, religious opinions, traditions, state of learning, and
general moral condition of this interesting people, with a view to
ascertain whether they were merely one of those abortions, to which, it
is known, nature is in the practice of giving birth, in the outward
appearance of their own species, or whether, as several of their best
writers had plausibly maintained, they were indeed a portion of those
whom they had been in the habit of designating as the “lost monikins.”
He had succeeded in getting access to a family of these beings, and in
passing an entire day in their society. The result of his
investigations was, that they were truly of the monikin family,
retaining much of the ingenuity and many of the spiritual notions of
their origin, but with their intellects sadly blunted, and perhaps
their improvable qualities annihilated, by the concussion of the
elements that had scattered them abroad upon the face of the earth,
houseless, hopeless, regionless wanderers. The vicissitudes of climate,
and a great alteration of habits, had certainly wrought some physical
changes; but there still remained sufficient scientific identity to
prove they were monikins. They even retained, in their traditions, some
glimmerings of the awful catastrophe by which they were separated from
the rest of their fellow-creatures; but these necessarily were vague
and profitless. Having touched on several other points connected with
these very extraordinary facts, the Doctor concluded by saying that he
saw but one way in which this discovery could be turned to any
practical advantage, beyond the confirmation it afforded of the truth
of their own annals. He suggested the expediency of fitting out
expeditions to go among these islands and seize upon a number of
families, which, being transported into Leaphigh, might found a race of
useful menials, who, while they would prove much less troublesome than
those who possessed all the knowledge of monikins, would probably be
found more intelligent and useful than any domestic animal which they
at present owned. This happy application of the subject met with
decided commendation. I observed that most of the elderly females put
their heads together on the spot, and appeared to be congratulating
each other on the prospect of being speedily relieved from their
household cares.

Dr. Reasono next spoke of his departure from St. Helena, and of his
finally landing in Portugal. Here, agreeably to his account, he engaged
certain Savoyards to act as his couriers and guides during a tour he
intended to make through Portugal, Spain, Switzerland, France, etc.,
etc., etc. I listened with admiration. Never before had I so lively a
perception of the vast difference that is effected in our views of
matters and things, by the agency of an active philosophy, as was now
furnished by the narrative of the speaker. Instead of complaining of
the treatment he had received, and of the degradations to which he and
his companions had been subjected, he spoke of it all as so much
prudent submission, on his part, to the customs of the countries in
which he happened to find himself, and as the means of ascertaining a
thousand important facts, both moral and physical, which he proposed to
submit to the academy in a separate memoir another day. At present, he
was admonished by the clock to conclude, and he would therefore hasten
his narrative as much as possible.

The Doctor, with great ingenuousness, confessed that he could gladly
have passed a year or two longer in those distant and highly
interesting portions of the earth; but he could not forget that he had
a duty to perform to the friends of two noble families. The Journey of
Trial had been completed under the most favorable auspices, and the
ladies naturally became anxious to return home. They had accordingly
passed into Great Britain, a country remarkable for maritime
enterprise, where he immediately commenced the necessary preparations
for their sailing. A ship had been procured under the promise of
allowing it to be freighted, free of custom-house charges, with the
products of Leaphigh. A thousand applications had been made to him for
permission to be of his party, the natives naturally enough wishing to
see a civilized country; but prudence had admonished him to accept of
those only who were the most likely to make themselves useful. The king
of Great Britain, no mean prince in human estimation, had committed his
only son and heir-apparent to his care, with a view to his improvement
by travelling; and the lord high admiral himself had asked permission
to take command of an expedition that was of so much importance to
knowledge in general, and to his own profession in particular.

Here Dr. Reasono ascended our tribune and presented Bob to the academy
as the Prince-Royal of Great Britain, and Captain Poke as her lord high
admiral! He pointed out certain peculiarities about the former, the
smut in particular, which had become pretty effectually incorporated
with the skin, as so many signs of royal birth; and ordering the
youngster to uncase, he drew forth the union-jack that the lad
carefully kept about his nether part as a fender, and exhibited it as
his armorial bearings—a modification of its uses that would not have
been very far out of the way, had another limb been substituted for the
agent. As for Captain Poke, he requested the academicians to study his
nautical air in general, as furnishing sufficient proof of his
pursuits, and of the ordinary appearance of human seamen.

Turning to me, I was then introduced to all present as the travelling
governor and personal attendant of Bob, and as a very respectable
person in my way. He added, that he believed, also, I had some
pretension to be the discoverer of something that was called the
social-stake system; which, he dared to say, was a very creditable
discovery for one of my opportunities.

By this prompt substitution of employments, I found I had effectually
changed places with the cabin-boy; who, instead of waiting on me, was,
in future, to receive that trifling attention at my hands. The mates
were presented as two rear-admirals at nurse, and the crew was said to
be composed of so many post-captains in the navy of Great Britain. To
conclude, the audience was given to understand that we were all brought
to Leaphigh, like the minerals from St. Helena, as so many specimens of
the human species!

I shall not deny that Dr. Reasono had taken a very different view of
himself and his acts, as well as of me and my acts, from those I had
all along entertained myself; and yet, on reflection, it is so common
to consider ourselves in lights very different from those in which we
are viewed by others that I could not, on the whole, complain as much
of his representations as I had at first thought it might become me to
do. At all events, I was completely spared the necessity of blushing
for my generosity and disinterestedness, and in other respects was
saved the pain of viewing any part of my own conduct under a
consciousness of its attracting attention by its singularity on the
score of merit. I must say, nevertheless, that I was both surprised and
a little indignant; but the sudden and unexpected turn that had been
given to the whole affair, threw me so completely off my centre, that
for the life of me, I could not say a word in my own behalf. To make
the matter worse, that monkey Chatterino nodded to me kindly, as if he
would show the spectators that, on the whole, he thought me a very good
sort of fellow!

After the lecture was over, the audience approached to examine us,
taking a great many amiable liberties with our persons, and otherwise
showing that we were deemed curiosities worthy of their study. The
king’s cousin, too, was not neglectful of us, but he had it announced
to the assembly that we were entirely welcome to Leaphigh; and that,
out of respect to Dr. Reasono, we were all promoted to the dignity of
“honorary monikins,” for the entire period of our stay in the country.
He also caused it to be proclaimed that, if the boys annoyed us in the
streets, they should have their tails curled with birch curling-irons.
As for the Doctor himself, it was proclaimed that, in addition to his
former title of F. U. D. G. E., he was now perferred* to be even M. O.
R. E., and that he was also raised to the dignity of an H. O. A. X.,
the very highest honor to which any savant of Leaphigh could attain.
[*sic]

At length curiosity was appeased, and we we’re permitted to descend
from the tribune; the company ceasing to attend to us, in order to pay
attention to each other. As I had time now to recollect myself, I did
not lose a moment in taking the two mates aside, to present a
proposition that we should go, in a body, before a notary, and enter a
protest against the unaccountable errors into which Dr. Reasono had
permitted himself to fall, whereby the truth was violated, the rights
of persons invaded, humanity dishonored, and the Leaphigh philosophy
misled. I cannot say that my arguments were well received; and I was
compelled to quit the two rear-admirals, and to go in quest of the
crew, with the conviction that the former had been purchased. An appeal
to the reckless, frank, loyal natures of the common seamen, I thought,
would not fail to meet with better success. Here, too, I was fated to
encounter disappointment. The men swore a few hearty oaths, and
affirmed that Leaphigh was a good country. They expected pay and
rations, as a matter of course, in proportion to their new rank; and
having tasted the sweets of command, they were not yet prepared to
quarrel with their good fortune, and to lay aside the silver tankard
for the tar-pot.

Quitting the rascals, whose heads really appeared to be turned by their
unexpected elevation, I determined to hunt up Bob, and by dint of Mr.
Poke’s ordinary application, compel him, at least, in despite of the
union-jack, to return to a sense of his duty, and to reassume his old
post as the servitor of my wants. I found the little blackguard in the
midst of a bevy of monikinas of all ages, who were lavishing their
attentions on his worthless person, and otherwise doing all they could
to eradicate everything like humility, or any good quality that might
happen to remain in him. He certainly gave me a fair opportunity to
commence the attack, for he wore the union-jack over his shoulder, in
the manner of a royal mantle, while the females of inferior rank
pressed about him to kiss its hem! The air with which he received this
adulation, fairly imposed on even me; and fearful that the monikinas
might mob me, should I attempt to undeceive them—for monikinas, let
them be of what species they may, always hug a delusion—I abandoned my
hostile intentions for the moment, and hurried after Mr. Poke, little
doubting my ability of bringing one of his natural rectitude of mind to
a right way of thinking.

The captain heard my remonstrances with a decent respect. He even
seemed to enter into my feelings with a proper degree of sympathy. He
very frankly admitted that I had not been well treated by Dr. Reasono,
and he appeared to think that a private conversation with that
individual might yet possibly have the effect of bringing him to a more
reasonable representation of facts. But, as to any sudden and violent
appeal to public opinion for justice, or an ill-advised recourse to a
notary, he strenuously objected to both. The purport of his remarks was
somewhat as follows:—

He was not acquainted with the Leaphigh law of protests, and, in
consequence, we might spend our money in paying fees, without reaping
any advantage; the Doctor, moreover, was a philosopher, an F. U. D. G.
E., and an H. O. A. X., and these were fearful odds to contend against
in any country, and more especially in a foreign country; he had an
innate dislike for lawsuits; the loss of my station was certainly a
grievance, but still it might be borne; as for himself, he never asked
for the office of lord high admiral of Great Britain, but as it had
been thrust upon him, why, he would do his best to sustain the
character; he knew his friends at Stunin’tun would be glad to hear of
his promotion, for, though in his country there were no lords, nor even
any admirals, his countrymen were always exceedingly rejoiced whenever
any of their fellow-citizens were preferred to those stations by
anybody but themselves, seeming to think an honor conferred on one, was
an honor conferred on the whole nation; he liked to confer honor on his
own nation, for no people on ’arth tuck up a notion of this sort and
divided it among themselves in a way to give each a share, sooner than
the people of the States, though they were very cautious about leaving
any portion of the credit in first hands, and therefore he was disposed
to keep as much as he could while it was in his power; he believed he
was a better seaman than most of the lord high admirals who had gone
before him, and he had no fears on that score; he wondered whether his
promotion made Miss Poke lady high admiral; as I seemed greatly put out
about my own rank, he would give me the acting appointment of a
chaplain (he didn’t think I was qualified to be a sea-officer), and do
doubt I had interest enough at home to get it confirmed; a great
statesman in his country had said “that few die and none resigned,” and
he didn’t like to be the first to set new fashions; for his part, he
rather looked upon Dr. Reasono as his friend, and it was unpleasant to
quarrel with one’s friends; he was willing to do anything in reason,
but resign, and if I could persuade the Doctor to say he had fallen
into a mistake in my particular case, and that I had been sent to
Leaphigh as a lord high ambassador, lord high priest, or lord high
anything else, except lord high admiral, why, he was ready to swear to
it—though he now gave notice, that in the event of such an arrangement,
he should claim to rank me in virtue of the date of his own commission;
if he gave up his appointment a minute sooner than was absolutely
necessary, he should lose his own self-respect, and never dare look
Miss Poke in the face again—on the whole, he should do no such thing;
and, finally, he wished me a good morning, as he was about to make a
call on the lord high admiral of Leaphigh.




CHAPTER XVII.
NEW LORDS, NEW LAWS—GYRATION, ROTATION, AND ANOTHER NATION; ALSO AN
INVITATION.


I felt that my situation had now become exceedingly peculiar. It is
true that my modesty had been unexpectedly spared, by the very
ingenious turn Dr. Reasono had given to the history of our connection
with each other; but I could not see that I had gained any other
advantage by the expedient. All my own species had, in a sense, cut me;
and I was obliged to turn despondingly, and not without humiliation,
towards the inn, where the banquet ordered by Mr. Poke waited our
appearance.

I had reached the great square, when a tap on the knee drew my
attention to one at my side. The applicant for notice was a monikin,
who had all the physical peculiarities of a subject of Leaphigh, and
yet, who was to be distinguished from most of the inhabitants of that
country, by a longer and less cultivated nap to his natural garment,
greater shrewdness about the expression of the eyes and the mouth, a
general air of business, and, for a novelty, a bob-cauda. He was
accompanied by positively the least well-favored being of the species I
had yet seen. I was addressed by the former.

“Good morning, Sir John Goldencalf,” he commenced, with a sort of jerk,
that I afterwards learned was meant for a diplomatic salutation; “you
have not met with the very best treatment to-day, and I have been
waiting for a good opportunity to make my condolences, and to offer my
services.”

“Sir, you are only too good. I do feel a little wronged, and, I must
say, sympathy is most grateful to my feelings. You will, however, allow
me to express my surprise at your being acquainted with my real name,
as well as with my misfortunes?”

“Why, sir, to own the truth, I belong to an examining people. The
population is very much scattered in my country, and we have fallen
into a practice of inquiry that is very natural to such a state of
things. I think you must have observed that in passing along a common
highway, you rarely meet another without a nod; while thousands are met
in a crowded street without even a glance of the eye. We develop this
principle, sir; and never let any fact escape us for the want of a
laudable curiosity.”

“You are not a subject of Leaphigh, then?”

“God forbid! No, sir, I am a citizen of Leaplow, a great and a glorious
republic that lies three days’ sail from this island; a new nation,
which is in the enjoyment of all the advantages of youth and vigor, and
which is a perfect miracle for the boldness of its conceptions, the
purity of its institutions, and its sacred respect for the rights of
monikins. I have the honor to be, moreover, the envoy-extraordinary and
minister-plenipotentiary of the republic to the king of Leaphigh, a
nation from which we originally sprung, but which we have left far
behind us in the race of glory and usefulness. I ought to acquaint you
with my name, sir, in return for the advantage I possess on this head,
in relation to yourself.”

Hereupon my new acquaintance put into my hand one of his
visiting-cards, which contained as follows:—

General-Commodore-Judge-Colonel PEOPLE’S FRIEND:

Envoy-Extraordinary and Minister-Plenipotentiary from the Republic of
Leaplow, near his Majesty the King of Leaphigh.

“Sir,” said I, pulling off my hat with a profound reverence, “I was not
aware to whom I had the honor of speaking. You appear to fill a variety
of employments, and I make no doubt, with equal skill.”

“Yes, sir, I believe I am about as good at one of my professions as at
another.”

“You will permit me to observe, however, General—a—a Judge—a—a—I
scarcely know, dear sir, which of these titles is the most to your
taste?”

“Use which you please, sir—I began with General, but had got as low as
Colonel before I left home. People’s Friend is the only appellation of
which I am at all tenacious. Call me People’s Friend, sir, and you may
call me anything else you find most convenient.”

“Sir, you are only too obliging. May I venture to ask if you have
really, propria persona, filled all these different stations in life?”

“Certainly, sir—I hope you do not mistake me for an impostor!”

“As far from it as possible.—But a judge and a commodore, for instance,
are characters whose duties are so utterly at variance in human
affairs, that I will allow I find the conjunction, even in a monikin, a
little extraordinary.”

“Not at all, sir. I was duly elected to each, served my time out in
them all, and have honorable discharges to show in every instance.”

“You must have found some perplexity in the performance of duties so
very different?”

“Ah—I see you have been long enough in Leaphigh to imbibe some of its
prejudices! It is a sad country for prejudice. I got my foot mired in
some of them myself, as soon as it touched the land. Why sir, my card
is an illustration of what we call, in Leaplow, rotation in office.”

“Rotation in office!”

“Yes, sir, rotation in office; a system that we invented for our
personal convenience, and which is likely to be firm, as it depends on
principles that are eternal.”

“Will you suffer me to inquire, colonel, if it has any affinity to the
social-stake system?”

“Not in the least. That, as I understand it, is a stationary, while
this is a rotatory system. Nothing is simpler. We have in Leaplow two
enormous boxes made in the form of wheels. Into one we put the names of
the citizens, and into the other the names of the offices. We then draw
forth, in the manner of a lottery, and the thing is settled for a
twelvemonth.”

“I find this rotatory plan exceedingly simple—pray, sir, does it work
as well as it promises?”

“To perfection.—We grease the wheels, of course, periodically.”

“And are not frauds sometimes committed by those who are selected to
draw the tickets?”

“Oh! they are chosen precisely in the same way.”

“But those who draw THEIR tickets?”

“All rotatory—they are drawn exactly on the same principle.”

“But there must be a beginning. Those, again, who draw THEIR
tickets—they may betray their trusts?”

“Impossible—THEY are always the most patriotic patriots of the land!
No, no, sir—we are not such dunces as to leave anything to corruption.
Chance does it all. Chance makes me a commodore to-day—a judge
to-morrow. Chance makes the lottery boys, and chance makes the
patriots. It is necessary to see in order to understand how much purer
and useful is your chance patriot, for instance, than one that is bred
to the calling.”

“Why, this savors, after all, of the doctrine of descents, which is
little more than matter of chance.”

“It would be so, sir, I confess, were it not that our chances centre in
a system of patriots. Our approved patriots are our guarantees against
abuses—”

“Hem!”—interrupted the companion of Commodore People’s Friend, with an
awkward distinctness, as if to recall himself to our recollection.

“Sir John, I crave pardon for great remissness—allow me to present my
fellow-citizen, Brigadier Downright, a gentleman who is on his travels,
like yourself; and as excellent a fellow as is to be found in the whole
monikin region.”

“Brigadier Downright, I crave the honor of your acquaintance.—But,
gentlemen, I too have been sadly negligent of politeness. A banquet
that has cost a hundred promises is waiting my appearance; and, as some
of the expected guests are unavoidably absent, if you would favor me
with your excellent society, we might spend an agreeable hour, in the
further discussion of these important interests.”

As neither of the strangers made the smallest objection to the
proposal, we were all soon comfortably situated at the dinner-table.
The commodore, who, it would seem, was habitually well fed, merely paid
a little complimentary attention to the banquet; but Mr. Downright
attacked it tooth and nail, and I had no great reason to regret the
absence of Mr. Poke. In the meantime, the conversation did not flag.

“I think I understand the outline of your system, Judge People’s
Friend,” I resumed, “with the exception of the part that relates to the
patriots. Would it be asking too much to request a little explanation
on that particular point?”

“Not in the least, sir. Our social arrangement is founded on a hint
from nature; a base, as you will concede, that is broad enough to
sustain a universe. As a people, we are a hive that formerly swarmed
from Leaphigh; and finding ourselves free and independent, we set about
forthwith building the social system on not only a sure foundation, but
on sure principles. Observing that nature dealt in duplicates, we
pursued the hint, as the leading idea—”

“In duplicates, commodore!”

“Certainly, Sir John—a monikin has two eyes two ears, two nostrils, two
lungs, two arms, two hands, two legs, two feet, and so on to the end of
the chapter. On this hint, we ordered that there should be drawn,
morally, in every district of Leaplow, two distinct and separate lines,
that should run at right angles to each other. These were termed the
‘political landmarks’ of the country; and it was expected that every
citizen should range himself along one or the other. All this you will
understand, however, was a moral contrivance, not a physical one.”

“Is the obligation of this moral contrivance imperative?”

“Not legally, it is true; but then, he who does not respect it is like
one who is out of fashion, and he is so generally esteemed a poor
devil, that the usage has a good deal more than the force of a law. At
first, it was intended to make it a part of the constitution; but one
of our most experienced statesmen so clearly demonstrated that, by so
doing, we should not only weaken the nature of the obligation, but most
probably raise a party against it, that the idea was abandoned. Indeed,
if anything, both the letter and the spirit of the fundamental law have
been made to lean a little against the practice; but having been
cleverly introduced, in the way of construction, it is now bone of our
bone, and flesh of our flesh. Well, sir, these two great political
landmarks being fairly drawn, the first effort of one who aspires to be
thought a patriot is to acquire the practice of ‘toeing the mark’
promptly and with facility. But should I illustrate my positions by a
few experiments, you might comprehend the subject all the better.—For
though, in fact, the true evolutions are purely moral, as I have just
had the honor to explain, yet we have instituted a physical parallel
that is very congenial to our habits, with which the neophyte always
commences.”

Here the commodore took a bit of chalk and drew two very distinct
lines, crossing each other at right angles, through the centre of the
room. When this was done, he placed his feet together, and then he
invited me to examine if it were possible to see any part of the planks
between the extremities of his toes and the lines. After a rigid look,
I was compelled to confess it was not.

“This is what we call ‘toeing the mark’; it is social position, No. 1.
Almost every citizen gets to be expert in practising it, on one or the
other of the two great political lines. After this, he who would push
his fortunes further, commences his career on the great rotatory
principle.”

“Your pardon, commodore, we call the word rotary, in English.”

“Sir, it is not expressive enough for our meaning; and therefore we
term it ‘rotatory.’ I shall now give you an example of position No. 2.”

Here the commodore made a spring, throwing his body, as a soldier would
express it, to the “right about,” bringing, at the same time, his feet
entirely on the other side of the line; always rigidly toeing the mark.

“Sir,” said I, “this was extremely well done; but is this evolution as
useful as certainly it is dexterous?”

“It has the advantage of changing front, Sir John; a manoeuvre quite as
useful in politics as in war. Most all in the line get to practise
this, too, as my friend Downright, there, could show you, were he so
disposed.”

“I don’t like to expose my flanks, or my rear, more than another,”
growled the brigadier.

“If agreeable, I will now show you gyration 2d, or position No. 3.”

On my expressing a strong desire to see it, the commodore put himself
again in position No. 1; and then he threw what Captain Poke was in the
habit of calling a “flap-jack,” or a summerset; coming down in a way
tenaciously to toe the mark.

I was much gratified with the dexterity of the commodore, and frankly
expressed as much; inquiring, at the same time, if many attained to the
same skill. Both the commodore and the brigadier laughed at the
simplicity of the question; the former answering that the people of
Leaplow were exceedingly active and adventurous, and both lines had got
to be so expert, that, at the word of command, they would throw their
summersets in as exact time, and quite as promptly, as a regiment of
guards would go through the evolution of slapping their
cartridge-boxes.

“What, sir,” I exclaimed, in admiration, “the entire population!”

“Virtually, sir. There is, now and then, a stumbler; but he is
instantly kicked out of sight, and uniformly counts for nothing.”

“But as yet, commodore, your evolutions are altogether too general to
admit of the chance selection of patriots, since patriotism is usually
a monopoly.”

“Very true, Sir John; I shall therefore come to the main point without
delay. Thus far, it is pretty much an affair of the whole population,
as you say; few refusing to toe the mark, or to throw the necessary
flap-jacks, as you have ingeniously termed them. The lines, as you may
perceive, cross each other at right angles; and there is consequently
some crowding, and occasionally, a good deal of jostling, at and near
the point of junction. We begin to term a monikin a patriot when he can
perform this evolution.”

Here the commodore threw his heels into the air with such rapidity that
I could not very well tell what he was about, though it was
sufficiently apparent that he was acting entirely on the rotatory
principle. I observed that he alighted, with singular accuracy, on the
very spot where he had stood before, toeing the mark with beautiful
precision.

“That is what we call gyration 3d, or position No. 4. He who can
execute it is considered an adept in our politics; and he invariably
takes his position near the enemy, or at the junction of the hostile
lines.”

“How, sir, are these lines, then, manned as they are with citizens of
the same country, deemed hostile?”

“Are cats and dogs hostile, sir?—Certainly. Although standing, as it
might be, face to face, acting on precisely the same principle, or the
rotatory impulse, and professing to have exactly the same object in
view, viz., the common good, they are social, political, and I might
almost say, the moral antipodes of each other. They rarely intermarry,
never extol, and frequently refuse to speak to one another. In short,
as the brigadier could tell you, if he were so disposed, they are
antagonist, body and soul. To be plain, sir, they are enemies.”

“This is very extraordinary for fellow-citizens!”

“’Tis the monikin nature,” observed Mr. Downright; “no doubt, sir, men
are much wiser?”

As I did not wish to divert the discourse from the present topic, I
merely bowed to this remark, and begged the judge to proceed.

“Well, sir,” continued the latter, “you can easily imagine that they
who are placed near the point where the two lines meet, have no
sinecures. To speak the truth, they blackguard each other with all
their abilities, he who manifests the most inventive genius in this
high accomplishment, being commonly thought the cleverest fellow. Now,
sir, none but a patriot could, in the nature of things, endure this
without some other motive than his country’s good, and so we esteem
them.”

“But the most patriotic patriots, commodore?”

The minister of Leaphigh now toed the mark again, placing himself
within a few feet of the point of junction between the two lines, and
then he begged me to pay particular attention to his evolution. When
all was ready, the commodore threw himself, as it were, invisibly into
the air, again head over heels, so far as I could discover, and
alighted on the antagonist line, toeing the mark with a most
astonishing particularity. It was a clever gyration, beyond a doubt;
and the performer looked towards me, as if inviting commendation.

“Admirably executed, judge, and in a way to induce one to believe that
you must have paid great attention to the practice.”

“I have performed this manoeuvre, Sir John, five times in real life;
and my claim to be a patriotic patriot is founded on its invariable
success. A single false step might have ruined me; but as you say,
practice makes perfect, and perfection is the parent of success.”

“And yet I do not rightly understand how so sudden a desertion of one’s
own side, to go over in this active manner head over heels, I may say,
to another side, constitutes a fair claim to be deemed so pure a
character as that of a patriot.”

“What, sir, is not he who throws himself defencelessly into the very
middle of the ranks of the enemy, the hero of the combat? Now, as this
is a political struggle, and not a warlike struggle, but one in which
the good of the country is alone uppermost, the monikin who thus
manifests the greatest devotion to the cause, must be the purest
patriot. I give you my honor, sir, all my own claims are founded
entirely on this particular merit.”

“He is right, Sir John; you may believe every word he says,” observed
the brigadier, nodding.

“I begin to understand your system, which is certainly well adapted to
the monikin habits, and must give rise to a noble emulation in the
practice of the rotatory principle. But I understood you to say,
colonel, that the people of Leaplow are from the hive of Leaphigh?”

“Just so, sir.”

“How happens it, then, that you dock yourselves of the nobler member,
while the inhabitants of this country cherish it as the apple of the
eye—nay, as the seat of reason itself?”

“You allude to our tails?—Why, sir, nature has dealt out these
ornaments with a very unequal hand, as you may perceive on looking out
of the window. We agree that the tail is the seat of reason, and that
the extremities are the most intellectual parts; but, as governments
are framed to equalize these natural inequalities, we denounce them as
anti-republican. The law requires, therefore, that every citizen, on
attaining his majority, shall be docked agreeably to a standard measure
that is kept in each district. Without some such expedient, there might
be an aristocracy of intellect among us, and there would be an end of
our liberties. This is the qualification of a voter, too, and of course
we all seek to obtain it.”

Here the brigadier leaned across the table and whispered that a great
patriot, on a most trying occasion, had succeeded in throwing a
summerset out of his own into the antagonist line, and that, as he
carried with him all the sacred principles for which his party had been
furiously contending for many years, he had been unceremoniously
dragged back by his tail, which unfortunately came within reach of
those quondam friends on whom he had turned his back; and that the law
had, in truth, been passed in the interests of the patriots. He added,
that the lawful measure allowed a longer stump than was commonly used;
but that it was considered underbred for any one to wear a dock that
reached more than two inches and three quarters of an inch into
society, and that most of their political aspirants, in particular,
chose to limit themselves to one inch and one quarter of an inch, as a
proof of excessive humility.

Thanking Mr. Downright for his clear and sensible explanation, the
conversation was resumed.

“I had thought, as your institutions are founded on reason and nature,
judge,” I continued, “that you would be more disposed ta cultivate this
member than to mutilate it; and this the more especially, as I
understand all monikins believe it to be the very quintessence of
reason.”

“No doubt, sir; we do cultivate our tails, but it is on the vegetable
principle, or as the skilful gardener lops the branch that it may throw
out more vigorous shoots. It is true, we do not expect to see the tail
itself sprouting out anew; but then we look to the increase of its
reason, and to its more general diffusion in society. The extremities
of our cauda, as fast as they are lopped, are sent to a great
intellectual mill, where the mind is extracted from the matter, and the
former is sold, on public account, to the editors of the daily
journals. This is the reason our Leaplow journalists are so
distinguished for their ingenuity and capacity, and the reason, too,
why they so faithfully represent the average of the Leaplow knowledge.”

“And honesty, you ought to add,” growled the brigadier.

“I see the beauty of the system, judge, and very beautiful it is! This
essence of lopped tails represents the average of Leaplow brains, being
a compound of all the tails in the country; and, as a daily journal is
addressed to the average intellect of the community, there is a
singular fitness between the readers and the readees. To complete my
stock of information on this head, however, will you just allow me to
inquire what is the effect of this system on the totality of Leaplow
intelligence?”

“Wonderful! As we are a commonwealth, it is necessary to have a unity
of sentiment on all leading matters, and by thus compounding all the
extremes of our reasons we get what is called ‘public opinion’; which
public opinion is uttered through the public journals—”

“And a most patriotic patriot is always chosen to be the inspector of
the mill,” interrupted the brigadier.

“Better and better! you send all the finer parts of your several
intellects to be ground up and kneaded together; the compound is sold
to the journalists, who utter it anew, as the results of the united
wisdom of the country—”

“Or, as public opinion. We make great account of reason in all our
affairs, invariably calling ourselves the most enlightened nation on
earth; but then we are especially averse to anything like an insulated
effort of the mind, which is offensive, anti-republican, aristocratic
and dangerous. We put all our trust in this representation of brains,
which is singularly in accordance with the fundamental base of our
society, as you must perceive.”

“We are a commercial people, too,” put in the brigadier; “and being
much accustomed to the laws of insurance, we like to deal in averages.”

“Very true, brother Downright, very true; we are particularly averse to
anything like inequality. Ods zooks! it is almost as great an offence
for a monikin to know more than his neighbors, as it is for him to act
on his own impulses. No—no—we are truly a free and an independent
commonwealth, and we hold every citizen as amenable to public opinion,
in all he does, says, thinks, or wishes.”

“Pray, sir, do both of the two great political lines send their tails
to the same mills, and respect the same general sentiments?”

“No, sir; we have two public opinions in Leaplow.”

“TWO public opinions!”

“Certainly, sir; the horizontal and the perpendicular.”

“This infers a most extraordinary fertility of thought, and one that I
hold to be almost impossible!”

Here the commodore and the brigadier incontinently both laughed as hard
as they could; and that, too, directly in my face.

“Dear me, Sir John—why, my dear Sir John! you are really the drollest
creature!”—gasped the judge, holding his sides—“the very funniest
question I have ev—ev—ever encountered!” He now stopped to wipe his
eyes; after which he was better able to express himself. “The same
public opinion, forsooth!—Dear me—dear me, that I should not have made
myself understood!—I commenced, my good Sir John, by telling you that
we deal in duplicates, on a hint from nature; and that we act on the
rotatory principle. In obedience to the first, we have always two
public opinions; and, although the great political landmarks are drawn
in what may be called a stationary sense, they, too, are in truth
rotatory. One, which is thought to lie parallel to the fundamental law,
or the constitutional meridian of the country, is termed the
horizontal, and the other the perpendicular line. Now, as nothing is
really stationary in Leaplow, these two great landmarks are always
acting, likewise, on the rotatory principle, changing places
periodically; the perpendicular becoming the horizontal, and vice
versa; they who toe their respective marks, necessarily taking new
views of things as they vary the line of sight. These great revolutions
are, however, very slow, and are quite as imperceptible to those who
accompany them, as are the revolutions of our planet to its
inhabitants.”

“And the gyrations of the patriots, of which the judge has just now
spoken,” added the brigadier, “are much the same as the eccentric
movements of the comets that embellish the solar system, without
deranging it by their uncertain courses.”

“No, sir, we should be poorly off, indeed, if we had but ONE public
opinion,” resumed the judge. “Ecod, I do not know what would become of
the most patriotic patriots in such a dilemma!”

“Pray, sir, let me ask, as you draw for places, if you have as many
places as there are citizens?”

“Certainly, sir. Our places are divided, firstly, into the two great
subdivisions of the ‘inner’ and the ‘outer.’ Those who toe the mark on
the most popular line occupy the former, and those who toe the mark on
the least popular line take all the rest, as a matter of course. The
first, however, it is necessary to explain, are the only places worth
having. As great care is had to keep the community pretty nearly
equally divided—”

“Excuse the interruption—but in what manner is this effected?”

“Why, as only a certain number can toe the mark, we count all those who
are not successful in getting up to the line, as outcasts; and, after
fruitlessly hanging about our skirts for a time, they invariably go
over to the other line; since it is better to be first in a village
than second in Rome. We thus keep up something like an equilibrium in
the state, which, as you must know, is necessary to liberty. The
minority take the outer places, and all the inner are left to the
majority. Then comes another subdivision of the places; that is to say,
one division is formed of the honorary, and another of the profitable
places. The honorary, or about nine-tenths of all the inner places, are
divided, with great impartiality, among the mass of those who have toed
the mark on the strongest side, and who usually are satisfied with the
glory of the victory. The names of the remainder are put into the
wheels to be drawn for against the prizes, on the rotatory principle.”

“And the patriots, sir;—are they included in this chance medley?”

“Far from it. As a reward for their dangers, they have a little wheel
to themselves, although they, also, are compelled to submit to the
rotatory principle. Their cases differ from those of the others, merely
in the fact that they always get something.”

I would gladly have pursued the conversation, which was opening a flood
of light upon my political understanding; but just then, a fellow with
the air of a footman entered, carrying a packet tied to the end of his
cauda. Turning round, he presented his burden, with profound respect,
and withdrew. I found that the packet contained three notes with the
following addresses:

“To His Royal Highness Bob, Prince of Wales, etc., etc., etc.”

“To My Lord High Admiral Poke, etc., etc., etc.”

“To Master Goldencalf, Clerk, etc., etc., etc.”

Apologizing to my guests, the seal of my own note was eagerly opened.
It read as follows:

“The Right Honorable the Earl of Chatterino, lord of the bed-chamber in
waiting on his majesty, informs Master John Goldencalf, clerk, that he
is commanded to attend the drawing-room, this evening, when the nuptial
ceremony will take place between the Earl of Chatterino and the Lady
Chatterissa, the first maid of honor to Her Majesty the Queen.

“N. B. The gentlemen will appear full dress.”

On explaining the contents of my note to the judge, he informed me that
he was aware of the approaching ceremony, as he had also an invitation
to be present, in his official character. I begged, as a particular
favor, England having no representative at Leaphigh, that he would do
me the honor to present me, in his capacity of a foreign minister. The
envoy made no sort of objection, and I inquired as to the costume
necessary to be observed; as, so far as I had seen, it was
good-breeding at Leaphigh to go naked. The envoy had the goodness to
explain, that, although, in point of mere attire, clothing was
extremely offensive to the people of both Leaphigh and Leaplow, yet, in
the former country, no one could present himself at court, foreign
ministers excepted, without a cauda. As soon as we understood each
other on these points, we separated, with an understanding that I was
to be in readiness (together with my companions, of whose interest I
had not been forgetful) to attend the envoy and the brigadier, when
they should call for me, at an hour that was named.




CHAPTER XVIII.
A COURT, A COURT-DRESS, AND A COURTIER—JUSTICE IN VARIOUS ASPECTS, AS
WELL AS HONOR.


My guests were no sooner gone, than I sent for the landlady, to inquire
if any court-dresses were to be had in the neighborhood. She told me
plenty might certainly be had, that were suited to the monikin
dimensions, but she much doubted whether there was a tail in all
Leaphigh, natural or artificial, that was at all fit for a person of my
stature. This was vexatious; and I was in a brown study, calling up all
my resources for the occasion, when Mr. Poke entered the inn, carrying
in his hand two as formidable ox-tails as I remember ever to have seen.
Throwing one towards me, he said the lord high admiral of Leaphigh had
acquainted him that there was an invitation out for the prince and
himself, as well as for the governor of the former, to be present at
court within an hour. He had hurried off from what he called a very
good dinner, considering there was nothing solid (the captain was
particularly fond of pickled pork), to let me know the honor that was
intended us; and on the way home, he had fallen in with Dr. Reasono,
who, on being acquainted with his errand, had not failed to point out
the necessity of the whole party coming en habit de cour. Here was a
dilemma, with a vengeance; for the first idea that struck the captain
was, “the utter impossibility of finding anything in this way, in all
Leaphigh, befitting a lord high admiral of his length of keel; for, as
to going in an ordinary monikin queue, why, he should look like a
three-decked ship, with a brig’s spar stepped for a lower mast!” Dr.
Reasono, however, had kindly removed the embarrassment, by conducting
him to the cabinet of natural history, where three suitable appendages
had been found, viz., two fine relics of oxen, [Footnote: Cauda
Bovum.—BUF.] and another, a capital specimen, that had formerly been
the mental lever, or, as the captain expressed it, “the steering oar”
of a kangaroo. The latter had been sent off, express, with a kind
consideration for the honor of Great Britain, to Prince Bob, who was at
a villa of one of the royal family, in the neighborhood of Aggregation.

I was greatly indebted to Noah, for his dexterity in helping me to a
good fit with my court-dress. There was not time for much
particularity, for we were in momentary expectation of Judge People’s
Friend’s return. All we could do, therefore, was to make a belt of
canvas (the captain being always provided with needles, palm, etc., in
his bag), and to introduce the smaller end of the tail through a hole
in the belt, drawing its base tight up to the cloth, which, in its
turn, was stitched round our bodies. This was but an indifferent
substitute for the natural appendage, it is true; and the hide had got
to be so dry and unyielding, that it was impossible for the least
observant person to imagine there was a particle of brains in it. The
arrangement had also another disadvantage. The cauda stuck out nearly
at right angles with the position of the body, and besides occupying
much more space than would probably be permitted in the royal presence,
“it gave any jackanapes,” as Noah observed, “the great advantage over
us, of making us yaw at pleasure, since he might use the outriggers as
levers.” But a seaman is inexhaustible in expedients. Two “back-stays,”
or “bob-stays” (for the captain facetiously gave them both
appellations) were soon “turned in,” and the tails were “stayed in, in
a way to bring them as upright as trysail masts”; to which spars,
indeed, according to Noah’s account of the matter, they bore no small
resemblance.

The envoy-extraordinary of Leaplow, accompanied by his friend,
Brigadier Downright, arrived just as we were dressed; and a most
extraordinary figure the former cut, if truth must be said. Although
obliged to be docked, according to the Leaplow law, to six inches, and
brought down to a real bob, by both the public opinions of his country,
for this was one of the few points on which these antagonist sentiments
were perfectly agreed, he now appeared in just the largest brush I
remember to have seen appended to a monikin! I felt a strong
inclination to joke the rotatory republican on this coquetry; but then
I remembered how sweet any stolen indulgence becomes; and, for the life
of me, I could not give utterance to a bon-mot. The elegance of the
minister was rendered the more conspicuous by the simplicity of the
brigadier, who had contrived to moustache his dock, a very short one at
the best, in such a manner as to render it nearly invisible. On my
expressing a doubt to Mr. Downright about his being admitted in such a
costume, he snapped his fingers, and gave me to understand he knew
better. He appeared as a brigadier of Leaplow (I found afterwards that
he was in truth no soldier, but that it was a fashion among his
countrymen to travel under the title of brigadier), and this was his
uniform; and he should like to see the chamberlain who would presume to
call in question the state of his wardrobe! As it was no affair of
mine, I prudently dropped the subject, and we were soon in the court of
the palace.

I shall pass over the parade of guards, the state bands, the
sergeant-trumpeters, the crowd of footmen and pages, and conduct the
reader at once to the ante-chamber. Here we found the usual throng
composed of those who live in the smiles of princes. There was a great
deal of politeness, much bowing and curtseying, and the customary
amount of genteel empressement to be the first to bask in the sunshine
of royalty. Judge People’s Friend, in his character of a foreign
minister, was privileged; and we had enjoyed the private entree, and
were now, of right, placed nearest to the great doors of the royal
apartments. Most of the diplomatic corps were already in attendance,
and, quite as a matter of course, there were a great many cordial
manifestations, of the ardent attachment that bound them and their
masters together, in the inviolable bonds of a most sacred amity. Judge
People’s Friend, according to his own account of the matter,
represented a great nation—a very great nation—and yet I did not
perceive that he met with a warm—a very warm—reception. However, as he
seemed satisfied with himself, and all around him, it would have been
unkind, not to say rude, in a stranger to disturb his self-esteem; and
I took especial care, therefore, not to betray, by the slightest hint,
my opinion that a good many near his person seemed to think him and his
artificial queue somewhat in the way. The courtiers of Leaphigh, in
particular, who are an exceedingly exclusive and fastidious corps,
appeared to regard the privileges of the judge with an evil eye; and
one or two of them actually held their noses as he flourished his brush
a little too near their sacred faces, as if they found its odor out of
fashion. While making these silent observations, a page cried out from
the lower part of the saloon, “Room for His Royal Highness the Crown
Prince of Great Britain!” The crowd opened, and that young blackguard
Bob walked up the avenue, in state. He wore the turnspit garment as the
base of his toilet; but the superstructure was altogether more in
keeping with the rascal’s assumed character. The union-jack was thrown
over his shoulder in the fashion of a mantle, and it was supported by
the cook and steward of the Walrus (two blacks), both clothed as
alligators. The kangaroo’s tail was rigged in a way to excite audible
evidences of envy in the heart of Mr. Poke. The stepping of it, the
captain whispered, “did the young dog great credit, for it looked as
natural as the best wig he had ever seen; and then, in addition to the
bob-stay, it had two guys, which acted like the yoke-lines of a boat,
or in such a way, that by holding one in each hand, the brush could be
worked ‘starboard and larboard’ like a rudder.” I have taken this
description mainly from the mouth of the captain, and most sincerely do
I hope it may be intelligible to the reader.

Bob appeared to be conscious of his advantages; for, on reaching the
upper end of the room, he began whisking his tail, and flourishing it
to the right and left, so as to excite a very perceptible and lively
admiration in the mind of Judge People’s Friend—an effect that so much
the more proved the wearer’s address, for that high functionary was
bound ex officio to entertain a sovereign contempt for all courtly
vanities. I saw the eye of the captain kindle, however, and when the
insolent young coxcomb actually had the temerity to turn his back on
his master, and to work his brush under his very nose, human nature
could endure no more. The right leg of my lord high admiral slowly
retired, with somewhat of the caution of the cat about to spring, and
then it was projected forward, with a rapidity that absolutely lifted
the crown prince from the floor.

The royal self-possession of Bob could not prevent an exclamation of
pain, as well as of surprise, and some of the courtiers ran forward
involuntarily to aid him—for courtiers always ran involuntarily to the
succor of princes. At least a dozen of the ladies offered their
smelling-bottles, with the most amiable assiduity and concern. To
prevent any disagreeable consequences, however, I hastened to acquaint
the crowd that in Great Britain, it is the usage to cuff and kick the
whole royal family; and that, in short, it is no more than the
customary tribute of the subject to the prince. In proof of what I
said, I took good care to give the saucy young scoundrel a touch of my
own homage. The monikins, who know that different customs prevail in
different nations, hastened to compliment the young scion of royalty in
the same manner; and both the cook and steward relieved their ennui by
falling into the track of imitation. Bob could not stand the last
applications; and he was about to beat a retreat, when the master of
ceremonies appeared, to conduct him to the royal presence.

The reader is not to be misled by the honors that were paid to the
imaginary crown prince, and to suppose that the court of Leaphigh
entertained any peculiar respect for that of Great Britain. It was
merely done on the principle that governed the conduct of our own
learned sovereign, King James I., when he refused to see the amiable
Pocahontas of Virginia, because she had degraded royalty by
intermarrying with a subject. The respect was paid to the caste, and
not to the individual, to his species, or to his nation.

Let his privileges come from what cause they would, Bob was glad enough
to get out of the presence of Captain Poke—who had already pretty
plainly threatened, in the Stunin’tun dialect, to unship his cauda—into
that of the majesty of Leaphigh. A few minutes afterwards, the doors
were thrown open, and the whole company advanced into the royal
apartments.

The etiquette of the court of Leaphigh differs in many essential
particulars from the etiquette of any other court in the monikin
region. Neither the king, nor his royal consort, is ever visible to any
one in the country, so far as is vulgarly known. On the present
occasion, two thrones were placed at opposite extremities of the salon,
and a magnificent crimson damask curtain was so closely drawn before
each, that it was quite impossible to see who occupied it. On the
lowest step there stood a chamberlain or a lady of the bed-chamber,
who, severally, made all the speeches, and otherwise enacted the parts
of the illustrious couple. The reader will understand, therefore, that
all which is here attributed to either of these great personages, was
in fact performed by one or the other of the substitutes named, and
that I never had the honor of actually standing face to face with their
majesties. Everything that is now about to be related, in short, was
actually done by deputy, on the part of the monarch and his wife.

The king himself merely represents a sentiment, all the power belonging
to his eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, and any intercourse
with him is entirely of a disinterested or of a sentimental character.
He is the head of the church—after a very secular fashion, however;—all
the bishops and clergy therefore got down on their knees and said their
prayers; though the captain suggested that it might be their
catechisms; I never knew which. I observed, also, that all his law
officers did the same thing; but as THEY never pray, and do not know
their catechisms, I presume the genuflections were to beg something
better than the places they actually filled. After this, came a long
train of military and naval officers, who, soldier-like, kissed his
paw. The civilians next had a chance, and then it was our turn to be
presented.

“I have the honor to present the lord high admiral of Great Britain to
your majesty,” said Judge People’s Friend, who had waived his official
privilege of going first, in order to do us this favor in person; it
having been decided, on a review of all the principles that touched the
case, that nothing human could take precedence of a monikin at court,
always making the exception in favor of royalty, as in the case of
Prince Bob.

“I am happy to see you at my court, Admiral Poke,” the king politely
rejoined, manifesting the tact of high rank in recognizing Noah by his
family name, to the great surprise of the old sealer.

“King!”

“You were about to remark?—” most graciously inquired his majesty, a
little at a loss to understand what his visitor would be at.

“Why, I could not contain my astonishment at your memory, Mr. King,
which has enabled you to recall a name that you probably never before
heard!”

There was now a great, and to me, a very unaccountable confusion in the
circle. It would seem, that the captain had unwittingly trespassed on
two of the most important of the rules of etiquette, in very mortal
points. He had confessed to the admission of an emotion as vulgar as
that of astonishment in the royal presence, and he had intimated that
his majesty had a memory; a property of the mind which, as it might
prove dangerous to the liberties of Leaphigh, were it left in the
keeping of any but a responsible minister, it had long been decided it
was felony to impute to the king. By the fundamental law of the land,
the king’s eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender, may have as
many memories as he please, and he may use them, or abuse them, as he
shall see fit, either in private or in the public service; but it is
held to be utterly unconstitutional and unparliamentary, and, by
consequence, extremely underbred, to insinuate, even in the most remote
manner, that the king himself has either a memory, a will, a
determination, a resolution, a desire, a conceit, an intention, or, in
short, any other intellectual property, that of a “royal pleasure”
alone excepted. It is both constitutional and parliamentary to say the
king has a “royal pleasure” provided the context goes to prove that
this “royal pleasure” is entirely at the disposition of his eldest
first-cousin of the masculine gender.

When Mr. Poke was made acquainted with his mistake, he discovered a
proper contrition; and the final decision of the affair was postponed,
in order to have the opinion of the judges on the propriety of taking
bail, which I promptly offered to put in, in behalf of my old shipmate.
This disagreeable little interruption temporarily disposed of, the
business of the drawing-room went on.

Noah was next conducted to the queen, who was much inclined (always by
deputy) to overlook the little mistake into which he had fallen with
her royal consort, and to receive him graciously.

“May it please your majesty, I have the honor to present to your
majesty’s royal notice the Lord Noah Poke, the lord high admiral of a
distant and but little known country, called Great Britain,” said the
gold stick of the evening—Judge People’s Friend being afraid of
committing Leaplow, and declining to introduce the captain to any one
else.

“Lord Poke is a countryman of our royal cousin, the Prince Bob!”
observed the queen, in an exceedingly gracious manner.

“No, marm,” put in the sealer, promptly, “your cousin Bob is no cousin
of mine; and if it were lawful for your majesty to have a memory, or an
inclination, or anything else in that way, I should beg the favor of
you to order the young blackguard to be soundly threshed.”

The majesty of Leaphigh stood aghast, by proxy! It would seem Noah had
now actually fallen into a more serious error than the mistake he had
made with the king. By the law of Leaphigh, the queen is not a feme
couverte. She can sue and be sued in her own name, holds her separate
estate, without the intervention of trustees, and IS supposed to have a
memory, a will, an inclination, or anything else in that way, except a
“royal pleasure,” to which she cannot, of right, lay claim. As to her,
the king’s first-cousin is a dead letter; he having no more control
over her conscience than he has over the conscience of an apple-woman.
In short, her majesty is quite as much the mistress of her own
convictions and conscience as it probably ever falls to the lot of
women in such high stations to be the mistress of interests that are of
so much importance to those around them. Noah, innocently enough, I do
firmly believe, had seriously wounded all those nice sensibilities
which are naturally dependent on such an improved condition of society.
Forbearance could go no further, and I saw, by the dark looks around
me, that the captain had committed a serious crime. He was immediately
arrested, and conducted from the presence to an adjoining room, into
which I obtained admission, after a good deal of solicitation and some
very strong appeals to the sacred character of the rights of
hospitality.

It now appeared that, in Leaphigh, the merits of a law are decided on a
principle very similar to the one we employ in England in judging of
the quality of our wines, viz., its age. The older a law, the more it
is to be respected, no doubt because, having proved its fitness by
outlasting all the changes of society, it has become more mellow, if
not more palatable. Now, by a law of Leaphigh that is coeval with the
monarchy, he who offends the queen’s majesty at a levee is to lose his
head; and he who, under the same circumstances, offends the king’s
majesty, necessarily the more heinous offence, is to lose his tail. In
consequence of the former punishment, the criminal is invariably
buried, and he is consigned to the usual course of monikin regeneration
and resuscitation; but in consequence of the latter, it is thought that
he is completely thrown without the pale of reason, and is thereby
consigned to the class of the retrogressive animals. His mind
diminishes, and his body increases; the brain, for want of the means of
development, takes the ascending movement of sap again; his forehead
dilates; bumps reappear; and, finally, after passing gradually
downwards in the scale of intellect, he becomes a mass of insensible
matter. Such, at least, is the theory of his punishment.

By another law, that is even older than the monarchy, any one who
offends in the king’s palace may be tried by a very summary process,
the king’s pages acting as his judges; in which case the sentence is to
be executed without delay.

Such was the dilemma to which Noah, by an indiscretion at court, was
suddenly reduced; and, but for my prompt interference, he would
probably have been simultaneously decapitated at both extremities, in
obedience to an etiquette which prescribes that, under the
circumstances of a court trial, neither the king’s nor the queen’s
rights shall be entitled to precedence. In defence of my client I urged
his ignorance of the usages of the country, and, indeed, of all other
civilized countries, Stunnin’tun alone excepted. I stated that the
criminal was an object altogether unworthy of their notice; that he was
not a lord high admiral at all, but a mere pitiful sealer; I laid some
stress on the importance of maintaining friendly relations with the
sealers, who cruise so near the monikin region; I tried to convince the
judges that Noah meant no harm in imputing moral properties to the
king, and that so long as he did not impute immoral properties to his
royal consort, she might very well afford to pardon him. I then quoted
Shakspeare’s celebrated lines on mercy, which seemed to be well enough
received, and committed the whole affair to their better judgment.

I should have got along very creditably, and most probably obtained the
immediate discharge of my friend, had not the attorney-general of
Leaphigh been drawn by curiosity into the room. Although he had nothing
to say to the merits of my arguments, he objected to every one of them,
on the ground of formality. This was too long, and that was too short;
one was too high, and another too low; a fifth was too broad, and a
sixth too narrow; in short, there was no figure of speech of this
nature to which he did not resort, in order to prove their
worthlessness, with the exception that I do not remember he charged any
of my reasons with being too deep.

Matters were now beginning to look serious for poor Noah, when a page
came skipping in to say that the wedding was about to take place, and
that if his comrades wished to witness it, they must sentence the
prisoner without delay. Many a man, it is said, has been hanged, in
order that the judge might dine; but, in the present instance, I do
believe Captain Poke was spared, in order that his judges might not
miss a fine spectacle. I entered into recognizance, in fifty thousand
promises, for the due appearance of the criminal on the following
morning; and we all returned, in a body, to the presence-chamber,
treading on each other’s tails, in the eagerness to be foremost.

Any one who has ever been at a human court, must very well know that,
while it is the easiest thing in the world to throw it into commotion
by a violation of etiquette, matters of mere life and death are not at
all of a nature to disturb its tranquillity. There, everything is a
matter of routine and propriety; and, to judge from experience, nothing
is so unseemly as to appear to possess human sympathies. The fact is
not very different at Leaphigh, for the monikin sympathies, apparently,
are quite as obtuse as those of men; although justice compels me to
allow, that in the case of Captain Poke, the appeal was made in behalf
of a creature of a different species. It is also a settled principle of
Leaphigh jurisprudence, that it would be monstrous for the king to
interfere in behalf of justice-justice, however, being always
administered in his name; although it certainly is not held to be quite
so improper for him to interfere in behalf of those who have offended
justice.

As a consequence of these nice distinctions, which it requires a very
advanced stage of civilization fully to comprehend, both the king and
queen received our whole party, when we came back into the presence,
exactly as if nothing particular had occurred. Noah wore both head and
tail erect, like another; and the lord high admiral of Leaphigh dropped
into a familiar conversation with him, on the subject of ballasting
ships, in just as friendly a manner as if he were on the best possible
terms with the whole royal family. This moral sang froid is not to be
ascribed to phlegm, but is, in fact, the result of high mental
discipline, which causes the courtier to be utterly destitute of all
feeling, except in cases that affect himself.

It was high time now that I should be presented. Judge People’s Friend,
who had witnessed the dilemma of Noah with diplomatic unconcern, very
politely renewed the offer of his services in my favor, and I went
forward and stood before the throne.

“Sire, allow me to present a very eminent literary character among men,
a cunning clerk, by name Goldencalf,” said the envoy, bowing to his
majesty.

“He is welcome to my court,” returned the king by proxy.

“Pray, Mr. People’s Friend, is not this one of the human beings who
have lately arrived in my dominions, and who have shown so much
cleverness in getting Chatterino and his governor through the ice?”

“The very same, please your majesty; and a very arduous service it was,
and right cleverly performed.”

“This reminds me of a duty.—Let my cousin be summoned.”

I now began to see a ray of hope, and to feel the truth of the saying
which teaches us that justice, though sometimes slow, never fails to
arrive at last. I had also, now, and for the first time, a good view of
the king’s eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender, who drew near
at the summons; and, while he had the appearance of listening with the
most profound attention to the instructions of the king of Leaphigh,
was very evidently telling that potentate what he ought to do. The
conference ended, his majesty’s proxy spoke in a way to be heard by all
who had the good fortune to be near the royal person.

“Reasono did a good thing,” he said; “really, a very good thing, in
bringing us these specimens of the human family. But for his
cleverness, I might have died without ever dreaming that men were
gifted with tails.” [Kings never get hold of the truth at the right
end.] “I wonder if the queen knew it. Pray, did you know, my Augusta,
that men had tails?”

“Our exemption from state affairs gives us females better opportunities
than your majesty enjoys, to study these matters,” returned his royal
consort, by the mouth of her lady of the bed-chamber.

“I dare say I’m very silly—but our cousin, here, thinks it might be
well to do something for these good people, for it may encourage their
king himself to visit us some day.”

An exclamation of pleasure escaped the ladies; who declared, one and
all, it would be delightful to see a real human king—it would be so
funny!

“Well, well,” added the good-natured monarch, “Heaven knows what may
happen, for I have seen stranger things. Really, we ought to do
something for these good people; for, although we owe the pleasure of
their visit, in a great degree, to the cleverness of Reasono—who, by
the way, I’m glad to hear is declared an H. O. A. X.—yet he very
handsomely admits, that but for their exertions—none of our seamikins
being within reach—it would have been quite impossible to get through
the ice. I wish I knew, now, which was the cleverest and the most
useful of their party.”

Here the queen, always thinking and speaking by proxy, suggested the
propriety of leaving the point to Prince Bob.

“It would be no more than is due to his rank; for though they are men,
I dare say they have feelings like ourselves.”

The question was now submitted to Bob, who sat in judgment on us all,
with as much gravity as if accustomed to such duties from infancy. It
is said that men soon get to be familiar with elevation, and that,
while he who has fallen never fails to look backwards, he who has risen
invariably limits his vision to the present horizon. Such proved to be
the case with the princely Bob.

“This person,” observed the jackanapes, pointing to me, “is a very good
sort of person, it is true, but he is hardly the sort of person your
majesty wants just now. There is the lord high admiral, too—but—”
(Bob’s but was envenomed by a thousand kicks!)—“but—you wish, sire, to
know which of my father’s subjects was the most useful in getting the
ship to Leaphigh?”

“That is precisely the fact I desire to know.”

Bob hereupon pointed to the cook; who, it will be remembered, was
present as one of his train-bearers. “I believe I must say, sire, that
this is the man. He fed us all; and without food, and that in
considerable quantities, too, nothing could have been done.”

The little blackguard was rewarded for his impudence, by exclamations
of pleasure from all around him.—“It was so clever a distinction,”—“it
showed so much reflection,”—“it was so very profound,”—“it proved how
much he regarded the base of society;”—in short, “it was evident
England would be a happy country, when he should be called to the
throne!” In the meantime the cook was required to come forth, and kneel
before his majesty.

“What is your name?” whispered the lord of the bed-chamber, who now
spoke for himself.

“Jack Coppers, your honor.”

The lord of the bed-chamber made a communication to his majesty, when
the sovereign turned round by proxy, with his back towards Jack, and,
giving him the accolade with his tail, he bade him rise, as “Sir Jack
Coppers.”

I was a silent, an admiring, an astounded witness of this act of gross
and flagrant injustice. Some one pulled me aside, and then I recognized
the voice of Brigadier Downright.

“You think that honors have alighted where they are least due. You
think that the saying of your crown prince has more smartness than
truth, more malice than honesty. You think that the court has judged on
false principles, and acted on an impulse rather than on reason; that
the king has consulted his own ease in affecting to do justice; that
the courtiers have paid a homage to their master, in affecting to pay a
homage to merit; and that nothing in this life is pure or free from the
taint of falsehood, selfishness, or vanity. Alas! this is too much the
case with us monikins, I must allow; though, doubtless, among men you
manage a vast deal more cleverly.”




CHAPTER XIX.
ABOUT THE HUMILITY OF PROFESSIONAL SAINTS, A SUCCESSION OF TAILS, A
BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM, AND OTHER HEAVENLY MATTERS, DIPLOMACY INCLUDED.


Perceiving that Brigadier Downright had an observant mind, and that he
was altogether superior to the clannish feeling which is so apt to
render a particular species inimical to all others, I asked permission
to cultivate his acquaintance; begging, at the same time, that he would
kindly favor me with such remarks as might be suggested by his superior
wisdom and extensive travels, on any of those customs or opinions that
would naturally present themselves in our actual situation. The
brigadier took the request in good part, and we began to promenade the
rooms in company. As the Archbishop of Aggregation, who was to perform
the marriage ceremony, was shortly expected, the conversation very
naturally turned on the general state of religion in the monikin
region.

I was delighted to find that the clerical dogmas of this insulated
portion of the world were based on principles absolutely identical with
those of all Christendom. The monikins believe that they are a
miserable lost set of wretches, who are so debased by nature, so eaten
up by envy, uncharitableness, and all other evil passions, that it is
quite impossible they can do anything that is good of themselves; that
their sole dependence is on the moral interference of the great
superior power of creation; and that the very first, and the one
needful step of their own, is to cast themselves entirely on this power
for support, in a proper spirit of dependence and humility. As
collateral to, and consequent on, this condition of the mind, they lay
the utmost stress on a disregard of all the vanities of life, a proper
subjection of the lusts of the flesh, and an abstaining from the pomp
and vainglory of ambition, riches, power, and the faculties. In short,
the one thing needful was humility—humility—humility. Once thoroughly
humbled to a degree that put them above the danger of backsliding, they
obtained glimpses of security, and were gradually elevated to the hopes
and the condition of the just.

The brigadier was still eloquently discoursing on this interesting
topic, when a distant door opened, and a gold stick, or some other sort
of stick, announced the right reverend father in God, his grace the
most eminent and most serene prelate, the very puissant and thrice
gracious and glorified saint, the Primate of All Leaphigh!

The reader will anticipate the eager curiosity with which I advanced to
get a glimpse of a saint under a system as sublimated as that of the
great monikin family. Civilization having made such progress as to
strip all the people, even to the king and queen, entirely of
everything in the shape of clothes, I did not well see under what new
mantle of simplicity the heads of the church could take refuge! Perhaps
they shaved off all the hair from their bodies in sign of supereminent
self-abasement, leaving themselves naked to the cuticle, that they
might prove, by ocular evidence, what a poor ungainly set of wretches
they really were, carnally considered; or perhaps they went on
all-fours to heaven, in sign of their unfitness to enter into the
presence of the pure of mind in an attitude more erect and confident.
Well, these fancies of mine only went to prove how erroneous and false
are the conclusions of one whose capacity has not been amplified and
concatenated by the ingenuities of a very refined civilization. His
grace the most gracious father in God, wore a mantle of extraordinary
fineness and beauty, the material of which was composed of every tenth
hair taken from all the citizens of Leaphigh, who most cheerfully
submitted to be shaved, in order that the wants of his most eminent
humility might be decently supplied. The mantle, wove from such a warp
and such a woof, was necessarily very large; and it really appeared to
me that the prelate did not very well know what to do with so much of
it, more especially as the contributions include a new robe annually. I
was now desirous of getting a sight of his tail; for, knowing that the
Leaphighers take great pride in the length and beauty of that
appurtenance, I very naturally supposed that a saint who wore so fine
and glorious a robe, by way of humility, must have recourse to some
novel expedient to mortify himself on his sensitive subject, at least.
I found that the ample proportions of the mantle concealed not only the
person, but most of the movements of the archbishop; and it was with
many doubts of my success that I led the brigadier behind the episcopal
train to reconnoitre. The result disappointed expectation again.
Instead of being destitute of a tail, or of concealing that with which
nature had supplied him beneath his mantle, the most gracious dignitary
wore no less than six caudae, viz., his own, and five others added to
it, by some subtle process of clerical ingenuity that I shall not
attempt to explain; one “bent on the other,” as the captain described
them in a subsequent conversation. This extraordinary train was allowed
to sweep the floor; the only sign of humility, according to my
uninstructed faculties, I could discern about the person and appearance
of this illustrious model of clerical self-mortification and humility.

The brigadier, however, was not tardy in setting me right. In the first
place, he gave me to understand that the hierarchy of Leaphigh was
illustrated by the order of their tails. Thus, a deacon wore one and a
half; a curate, if a minister, one and three-quarters, and a rector
two; a dean, two and a half, an archdeacon, three; a bishop, four; the
Primate of Leaphigh, five, and the Primate of ALL Leaphigh, six. The
origin of the custom, which was very ancient, and of course very much
respected, was imputed to the doctrine of a saint of great celebrity,
who had satisfactorily proved that as the tail was the intellectual or
the spiritual part of a monikin, the farther it was removed from the
mass of matter, or the body, the more likely it was to be independent,
consecutive, logical, and spiritualized. The idea had succeeded
astonishingly at first; but time, which will wear out even a cauda, had
given birth to schisms in the church on this interesting subject; one
party contending that two more joints ought to be added to the
archbishop’s embellishment, by way of sustaining the church, and the
other that two joints ought to be incontinently abstracted, in the way
of reform.

These explanations were interrupted by the appearance of the bride and
bridegroom, at different doors. The charming Chatterissa advanced with
a most prepossessing modesty, followed by a glorious train of noble
maidens, all keeping their eyes, by a rigid ordinance of hymeneal
etiquette, dropped to the level of the queen’s feet. On the other hand,
my lord Chatterino, attended by that coxcomb Hightail, and others of
his kidney, stepped towards the altar with a lofty confidence, which
the same etiquette exacted of the bridegroom. The parties were no
sooner in their places, than the prelate commenced.

The marriage ceremony, according to the formula of the established
church of Leaphigh, is a very solemn and imposing ceremony. The
bridegroom is required to swear that he loves the bride and none but
the bride; that he has made his choice solely on account of her merits,
uninfluenced even by her beauty; and that he will so far command his
inclinations as, on no account, ever to love another a jot. The bride,
on her part, calls heaven and earth to witness, that she will do just
what the bridegroom shall ask of her; that she will be his bondwoman,
his slave, his solace and his delight; that she is quite certain no
other monikin could make her happy, but, on the other hand, she is
absolutely sure that any other monikin would be certain to make her
miserable. When these pledges, oaths, and asseverations were duly made
and recorded, the archbishop caused the happy pair to be wreathed
together, by encircling them with his episcopal tail, and they were
then pronounced monikin and monikina. I pass over the congratulations,
which were quite in rule, to relate a short conversation I held with
the brigadier.

“Sir,” said I, addressing that person, as soon as the prelate said
‘amen,’ “how is this? I have seen a certificate, myself, which showed
that there was a just admeasurement of the fitness of this union, on
the score of other considerations than those mentioned in the
ceremony?”

“That certificate has no connection with this ceremony.”

“And yet this ceremony repudiates all the considerations enumerated in
the certificate?”

“This ceremony has no connection with that certificate.”

“So it would seem; and yet both refer to the same solemn engagement!”

“Why, to tell you the truth, Sir John Goldencalf, we monikins (for in
these particulars Leaphigh is Leaplow) have two distinct governing
principles in all that we say or do, which may be divided into the
theoretical and the practical—moral and immoral would not be
inapposite—but, by the first we control all our interests, down as far
as facts, when we immediately submit to the latter. There may possibly
be something inconsistent in appearance in such an arrangement; but
then our most knowing ones say that it works well. No doubt among men,
you get along without the embarrassment of so much contradiction.”

I now advanced to pay my respects to the Countess of Chatterino, who
stood supported by the countess-dowager, a lady of great dignity and
elegance of demeanor. The moment I appeared, the elaborate air of
modesty, vanished from the charming countenance of the bride, in a look
of natural pleasure; and, turning to her new mother, she pointed me out
as a man! The courteous old dowager gave me a very kind reception,
inquiring if I had enough good things to eat, whether I was not much
astonished at the multitude of strange sights I beheld in Leaphigh,
said I ought to be much obliged to her son for consenting to bring me
over, and invited me to come and see her some fine morning.

I bowed my thanks, and then returned to join the brigadier, with a view
to seek an introduction to the archbishop. Before I relate the
particulars of my interview with that pious prelate, however, it may be
well to say that this was the last I ever saw of any of the Chatterino
set, as they retired from the presence immediately after the
congratulations were ended. I heard, however, previously to leaving the
region, which was within a month of the marriage, that the noble pair
kept separate establishments, on account of some disagreement about an
incompatibility of temper—or a young officer of the guards—I never knew
exactly which; but as the estates suited each other so well, there is
little doubt that, on the whole, the match was as happy as could be
expected.

The archbishop received me with a great deal of professional
benevolence, the conversation dropping very naturally into a comparison
of the respective religious systems of Great Britain and Leaphigh. He
was delighted when he found we had an establishment; and I believe I
was indebted to his knowledge of this fact for his treating me more as
an equal than he might otherwise have done, considering the difference
in species. I was much relieved by this; for, at the commencement of
the conversation, he had sounded me a little on doctrine, at which I am
far from being expert, never having taken an interest in the church,
and I thought he looked frowning at some of my answers; but, when he
heard that we really had a national religion, he seemed to think all
safe, nor did he once, after that, inquire whether we were pagans or
Presbyterians. But when I told him we had actually a hierarchy, I
thought the good old prelate would have shaken my hand off, and
beatified me on the spot!

“We shall meet in heaven some day!” he exclaimed, with holy delight;
“men or monikins, it can make no great difference, after all. We shall
meet in heaven; and that, too, in the upper mansions!”

The reader will suppose that, an alien, and otherwise unknown, I was
much elated by this distinction. To go to heaven in company with the
Archbishop of Leaphigh was in itself no small favor; but to be thus
noticed by him at court was really enough to upset the philosophy of a
stranger. I was sorely afraid, all the while, he would descend to
particulars, and that he might have found some essential points of
difference to nip his new-born admiration. Had he asked me, for
instance, how many caudae our bishops wear, I should have been
badgered; for, as near as I could recollect, their personal
illustration was of another character. The venerable prelate, however,
soon gave me his blessing, pressed me warmly to come to his palace
before I sailed, promised to send some tracts by me to England, and
then hurried away, as he said, to sign a sentence of excommunication
against an unruly presbyter, who had much disturbed the harmony of the
church, of late, by an attempt to introduce a schism that he called
“piety.”

The brigadier and myself discussed the subject of religion at some
length, when the illustrious prelate had taken his leave. I was told
that the monikin world was pretty nearly equally divided into two
parts, the old and the new. The latter had remained uninhabited, until
within a few generations, when certain monikins, who were too good to
live in the old world, emigrated in a body, and set up for themselves
in the new. This, the brigadier admitted, was the Leaplow account of
the matter; the inhabitants of the old countries, on the other hand,
invariably maintaining that they had peopled the new countries by
sending all those of their own communities there, who were not fit to
stay at home. This little obscurity in the history of the new world, he
considers of no great moment, as such trifling discrepancies must
always depend on the character of the historian. Leaphigh was by no
means the only country in the elder monikin region. There were among
others, for instance, Leapup and Leapdown; Leapover and Leapthrough;
Leaplong and Leapshort; Leapround and Leapunder. Each of these
countries had a religious establishment, though Leaplow, being founded
on a new social principle, had none. The brigadier thought, himself, on
the whole, that the chief consequences of the two systems were, that
the countries which had establishments had a great reputation for
possessing religion, and those that had no establishments were well
enough off in the article itself, though but indifferently supplied on
the score of reputation.

I inquired of the brigadier if he did not think an establishment had
the beneficial effect of sustaining truth, by suppressing heresies,
limiting and curtailing prurient theological fancies, and otherwise
setting limits to innovations. My friend did not absolutely agree with
me in all these particulars; though he very frankly allowed that it had
the effect of keeping TWO truths from falling out, by separating them.
Thus, Leapup maintained one set of religious dogmas under its
establishment, and Leapdown maintained their converse. By keeping these
truths apart, no doubt, religious harmony was promoted, and the several
ministers of the gospel were enabled to turn all their attention to the
sins of the community, instead of allowing it to be diverted to the
sins of each other, as was very apt to be the case when there was an
antagonist interest to oppose.

Shortly after, the king and queen gave us all our conges. Noah and
myself got through the crowd without injury to our trains, and we
separated in the court of the palace; he to go to his bed and dream of
his trial on the morrow, and I to go home with Judge People’s Friend
and the brigadier, who had invited me to finish the evening with a
supper. I was left chatting with the last, while the first went into
his closet to indite a dispatch to his government, relating to the
events of the evening.

The brigadier was rather caustic in his comments on the incidents of
the drawing-room. A republican himself, he certainly did love to give
royalty and nobility some occasional rubs; though I must do this
worthy, upright monikin the justice to say, he was quite superior to
that vulgar hostility which is apt to distinguish many of his caste,
and which is founded on a principle as simple as the fact that they
cannot be kings and nobles themselves.

While we were chatting very pleasantly, quite at our ease, and in
undress as it were, the brigadier in his bob, and I with my tail aside,
Judge People’s Friend rejoined us, with his dispatch open in his hand.
He read aloud what he had written, to my great astonishment, for I had
been accustomed to think diplomatic communications sacred. But the
judge observed, that in this case it was useless to affect secrecy, for
two very good reasons; firstly, because he had been obliged to employ a
common Leaphigh scrivener to copy what he had written—his government
depending on a noble republican economy, which taught it that, if it
did get into difficulties by the betrayal of its correspondence, it
would still have the money that a clerk would cost, to help it out of
the embarrassment; and, secondly, because he knew the government itself
would print it as soon as it arrived. For his part, he liked to have
the publishing of his own works. Under these circumstances, I was even
allowed to take a copy of the letter, of which I now furnish a
fac-simile.

“SIR:—The undersigned, envoy-extraordinary and minister-plenipotentiary
of the North-Western Leaplow Confederate Union, has the honor to inform
the secretary of state, that our interests in this portion of the earth
are, in general, on the best possible footing; our national character
is getting every day to be more and more elevated; our rights are more
and more respected, and our flag is more and more whitening every sea.
After this flattering and honorable account of the state of our general
concerns, I hasten to communicate the following interesting
particulars.

“The treaty between our beloved North-Western Confederate Union and
Leaphigh, has been dishonored in every one of its articles; nineteen
Leaplow seamen have been forcibly impressed into a Leapthrough vessel
of war; the king of Leapup has made an unequivocal demonstration with a
very improper part of his person, at us; and the king of Leapover has
caused seven of our ships to be seized and sold, and the money to be
given to his mistress.

“Sir, I congratulate you on this very flattering condition of our
foreign relations; which can only be imputed to the glorious
constitution of which we are the common servants, and to the just dread
which the Leaplow name has so universally inspired in other nations.

“The king has just had a drawing-room, in which I took great care to
see that the honor of our beloved country should be faithfully attended
to. My cauda was at least three inches longer than that of the
representative of Leapup, the minister most favored by nature in this
important particular; and I have the pleasure of adding, that her
majesty the queen deigned to give me a very gracious smile. Of the
sincerity of that smile there can be no earthly doubt, sir; for, though
there is abundant evidence that she did apply certain unseemly words to
our beloved country lately, it would quite exceed the rules of
diplomatic courtesy, and be unsustained by proof, were we to call in
question her royal sincerity on this public occasion. Indeed, sir, at
all the recent drawing-rooms I have received smiles of the most sincere
and encouraging character, not only from the king, but from all his
ministers, his first-cousin in particular; and I trust they will have
the most beneficial effects on the questions at issue between the
Kingdom of Leaphigh and our beloved country. If they would now only do
us justice in the very important affair of the long-standing and
long-neglected redress, which we have been seeking in vain at their
hands for the last seventy-two years, I should say that our relations
were on the best possible footing.

“Sir, I congratulate you on the profound respect with which the Leaplow
name is treated, in the most distant quarters of the earth, and on the
benign influence this fortunate circumstance is likely to exercise on
all our important interests.

“I see but little probability of effecting the object of my special
mission, but the utmost credit is to be attached to the sincerity of
the smiles of the king and queen, and of all the royal family.”

“In a late conversation with his majesty, he inquired in the kindest
manner after the health of the Great Sachem [this is the title of the
head of the Leaplow government], and observed that our growth and
prosperity put all other nations to shame; and that we might, on all
occasions, depend on his most profound respect and perpetual
friendship. In short, sir, all nations, far and near, desire our
alliance, are anxious to open new sources of commerce, and entertain
for us the profoundest respect, and the most inviolable esteem. You can
tell the Great Sachem that this feeling is surprisingly augmented under
his administration, and that it has at least quadrupled during my
mission. If Leaphigh would only respect its treaties, Leapthrough would
cease taking our seamen, Leapup have greater deference for the usages
of good society, and the king of Leapover would seize no more of our
ships to supply his mistress with pocket-money, our foreign relations
might be considered to be without spot. As it is, sir, they are far
better off than I could have expected, or indeed had ever hoped to see
them; and of one thing you may be diplomatically certain, that we are
universally respected, and that the Leaplow name is never mentioned
without all in company rising and waving their caudae.”

“(Signed.) JUDAS PEOPLE’S FRIEND.”

“Hon.————-, etc.”

“P. S. (Private.)”

“Dear Sir:—If you publish this dispatch, omit the part where the
difficulties are repeated, I beg you will see that my name is put in
with those of the other patriots, against the periodical rotation of
the little wheel, as I shall certainly be obliged to return home soon,
having consumed all my means. Indeed, the expense of maintaining a
tail, of which our people have no notion, is so very great, that I
think none of our missions should exceed a week in duration.

“I would especially advise that the message should dilate on the
subject of the high standing of the Leaplow character in foreign
nations; for, to be frank with you, facts require that this statement
should be made as often as possible.”

When this letter was read, the conversation reverted to religion. The
brigadier explained that the law of Leaphigh had various peculiarities
on this subject, that I do not remember to have heard of before. Thus,
a monikin could not be born without paying something to the church, a
practice which early initiated him into his duties towards that
important branch of the public welfare; and, even when he died, he left
a fee behind him, for the parson, as an admonition to those who still
existed in the flesh, not to forget their obligations. He added that
this sacred interest was, in short, so rigidly protected, that,
whenever a monikin refused to be plucked for a new clerical or
episcopal mantle, there was a method of fleecing him, by the
application of red-hot iron rods, which generally singed so much of his
skin, that he was commonly willing, in the end, to let the
hair-proctors pick and choose at pleasure.

I confess I was indignant at this picture, and did not hesitate to
stigmatize the practice as barbarous.

“Your indignation is very natural, Sir John, and is just what a
stranger would be likely to feel, when he found mercy, and charity, and
brotherly love, and virtue, and, above all, humility, made the
stalking-horses of pride, selfishness, and avarice. But this is the way
with us monikins; no doubt, men manage better.”




CHAPTER XX.
A VERY COMMON CASE: OR A GREAT DEAL OF LAW, AND VERY LITTLE
JUSTICE—HEADS AND TAILS, WITH THE DANGERS OF EACH.


I was early with Noah on the following morning. The poor fellow, when
it is remembered that he was about to be tried for a capital offence,
in a foreign country, under novel institutions, and before a jury of a
different species, manifested a surprising degree of fortitude. Still,
the love of life was strong within him, as was apparent by the way in
which he opened the discourse.

“Did you observe how the wind was this morning, Sir John, as you came
in?” the straightforward sealer inquired, with a peculiar interest.

“It is a pleasant gale from the southward.”

“Right off shore! If one knew where all them blackguards of rear
admirals and post captains were to be found, I don’t think, Sir, John,
that you would care much about paying those fifty thousand promises?”

“My recognizances?—Not in the least, my dear friend, were it not for
our honor. It would scarcely be creditable for the Walrus to sail,
however, leaving an unsettled account of her captain’s behind us. What
would they say at Stunin’tun—what would your own consort think of an
act so unmanly?”

“Why, at Stunin’tun, we think him the smartest who gets the easiest out
of any difficulty; and I don’t well see why Miss Poke should know
it—or, if she did, why she should think the worse of her husband, for
saving his life.”

“Away with these unworthy thoughts, and brace yourself to meet the
trial. We shall, at least, get some insight into the Leaphigh
jurisprudence. Come, I see you are already dressed for the occasion;
let us be as prompt as duellists.”

Noah made up his mind to submit with dignity; although he lingered in
the great square, in order to study the clouds, in a way to show he
might have settled the whole affair with the fore-topsail, had he known
where to find his crew. Fortunately for the reputations of all
concerned, however, he did not; and, discarding everything like
apprehension from his countenance, the sturdy mariner entered the Old
Bailey with the tread of a man and the firmness of innocence. I ought
to have said sooner, that we had received notice early in the morning,
that the proceedings had been taken from before the pages, on appeal,
and that a new venue had been laid in the High Criminal Court of
Leaphigh.

Brigadier Downright met us at the door; where also a dozen grave,
greasy-looking counsellors gathered about us, in a way to show that
they were ready to volunteer in behalf of the stranger, on receiving no
more than the customary fee. But I had determined to defend Noah myself
(the court consenting) for I had forebodings that our safety would
depend more on an appeal to the rights of hospitality, than on any
legal defence it was in our power to offer. As the brigadier kindly
volunteered to aid me for nothing, I thought proper not to refuse his
services, however.

I pass over the appearance of the court, the empanelling of the jury,
and the arraignment; for, in matters of mere legal forms, there is no
great difference between civilized countries, all of them wearing the
same semblance of justice. The first indictment, for unhappily there
were two, charged Noah with having committed an assault, with malice
prepense, on the king’s dignity, with “sticks, daggers, muskets,
blunderbusses, air-guns, and other unlawful weapons, more especially
with the tongue, in that he had accused his majesty, face to face, with
having a memory, etc., etc.” The other indictment, repeating the
formula of the first, charged the honest sealer with feloniously
accusing her majesty the queen, “in defiance of the law, to the injury
of good morals and the peace of society, with having no memory, etc.,
etc.” To both these charges the plea of “not guilty,” was entered as
fast as possible, in behalf of our client.

I ought to have said before, that both Brigadier Downright and myself
had applied to be admitted of counsel for the accused, under an ancient
law of Leaphigh, as next of kin; I as a fellow human being, and the
brigadier by adoption.

The preliminary forms observed, the attorney-general was about to go
into proof, in behalf of the crown, when my brother Downright arose and
said that he intended to save the precious time of the court, by
admitting the facts; and that it was intended to rest the defence
altogether on the law of the case. He presumed the jury were the judges
of the law as well as of the facts, according to the rule of Leaplow,
and that “he and his brother Goldencalf were quite prepared to show
that the law was altogether with us, in this affair.” The court
received the admission, and the facts were submitted to the jury, by
consent, as proven; although the chief-justice took occasion to remark,
Longbeard dissenting, that, while the jury were certainly judges of the
law, in one sense, yet there was another sense in which they were not
judges of the law. The dissent of Baron Longbeard went to maintain that
while the jury were the judges of the law in the “another sense”
mentioned, they were not judges of the law in the “one sense” named.
This difficulty disposed of, Mr. Attorney-General arose and opened for
the crown.

I soon found that we had one of a very comprehensive and philosophical
turn of mind against us, in the advocate of the other side. He
commenced his argument by a vigorous and lucid sketch of the condition
of the world previously to the subdivisions of its different
inhabitants into nations, and tribes, and clans, while in the human or
chrysalis condition. From this statement, he deduced the regular
gradations by which men become separated into communities, and
subjected to the laws of civilization, or what is called society.
Having proceeded thus far, he touched lightly on the different phases
that the institutions of men had presented, and descended gradually and
consecutively to the fundamental principles of the social compact, as
they were known to exist among monikins. After a few general
observations that properly belonged to the subject, he came to speak of
those portions of the elementary principles of society that are
connected with the rights of the sovereign. These he divided into the
rights of the king’s prerogative, the rights of the king’s person, and
the rights of the king’s conscience. Here he again generalized a
little, and in a very happy manner; so well, indeed, as to leave all
his hearers in doubt as to what he would next be at; when, by a fierce
logical swoop, he descended suddenly on the last of the king’s rights,
as the one that was most connected with the subject.

He triumphantly showed that the branch of the royal immunities that was
chiefly affected by the offence of the prisoner at the bar, was very
clearly connected with the rights of the king’s conscience. “The
attributes of royalty,” observed the sagacious advocate, “are not to be
estimated in the same manner as the attributes of the subject. In the
sacred person of the king are centred many, if not most, of the
interesting privileges of monikinism. That royal personage, in
apolitical sense, can do no wrong: official infallibility is the
consequence. Such a being has no occasion for the ordinary faculties of
the monikin condition. Of what use, for instance, is a judgment, or a
conscience, to a functionary who can do no wrong? The law, in order to
relieve one on whose shoulders was imposed the burden of the state, had
consequently placed the latter especially in the keeping of another.
His majesty’s first-cousin is the keeper of his conscience, as is known
throughout the realm of Leaphigh. A memory is the faculty of the least
account to a personage who has no conscience; and, while it is not
contended that the sovereign is relieved from the possession of his
memory by any positive statute law, or direct constitutional provision,
it follows, by unavoidable implication, and by all legitimate
construction, that, having no occasion to possess such a faculty, it is
the legal presumption he is altogether without it.

“That simplicity, lucidity and distinctness, my lords,” continued Mr.
Attorney-General, “which are necessary to every well-ordered mind,
would be impaired, in the case of his majesty, were his intellectual
faculties unnecessarily crowded in this useless manner, and the state
would be the sufferer. My lords, the king reigns, but he does not
govern. This is a fundamental principle of the constitution; nay, it is
more—it is the palladium of our liberties! My lords, it is an easy
matter to reign in Leaphigh. It requires no more than the rights of
primogeniture, sufficient discretion to understand the distinction
between reigning and governing, and a political moderation that is
unlikely to derange the balance of the state. But it is quite a
different thing to govern. His majesty is required to govern nothing,
the slight interests just mentioned excepted; no, not even himself. The
case is far otherwise with his first-cousin. This high functionary is
charged with the important trust of governing. It had been found, in
the early ages of the monarchy, that one conscience, or indeed one set
of faculties generally, scarcely sufficed for him whose duty it was
both to reign and to govern. We all know, my lords, how insufficient
for our personal objects are our own private faculties; how difficult
we find it to restrain even ourselves, assisted merely by our own
judgments, consciences, and memories; and in this fact do we perceive
the great importance of investing him who governs others, with an
additional set of these grave faculties. Under a due impression of the
exigency of such a state of things, the common law—not statute law, my
lords, which is apt to be tainted with the imperfections of monikin
reason in its isolated or individual state, usually bearing the impress
of the single cauda from which it emanated—but the common law, the
known receptacle of all the common sense of the nation—in such a state
of things, then, has the common law long since decreed that his
majesty’s first-cousin should be the keeper of his majesty’s
conscience; and, by necessary legal implication, endowed with his
majesty’s judgment, his majesty’s reason, and finally, his majesty’s
memory.

“My lords, this is the legal presumption. It would, in addition, be
easy for me to show, in a thousand facts, that not only the sovereign
of Leaphigh, but most other sovereigns, are and ever have been,
destitute of the faculty of a memory. It might be said to be
incompatible with the royal condition to be possessed of this obtrusive
faculty. Were a prince endowed with a memory, he might lose sight of
his high estate, in the recollection that he was born, and that he is
destined, like another, to die; he might be troubled with visions of
the past; nay, the consciousness of his very dignity might be unsettled
and weakened by a vivid view of the origin of his royal race. Promises,
obligations, attachments, duties, principles, and even debts, might
interfere with the due discharge of his sacred trusts, were the
sovereign invested with a memory; and it has, therefore, been decided,
from time immemorial, that his majesty is utterly without the
properties of reason, judgment, and memory, as a legitimate inference
from his being destitute of a conscience.”

Mr. Attorney-General now directed the attention of the court and jury
to a statute of the 3d of Firstborn 6th, by which it was enacted that
any person attributing to his majesty the possession of any faculty,
with felonious intent, that might endanger the tranquillity of the
state, should suffer decaudization, without benefit of clergy. Here he
rested the case on behalf of the crown.

There was a solemn pause, after the speaker had resumed his seat. His
argument, logic, and above all, his good sense and undeniable law, made
a very sensible impression; and I had occasion to observe that Noah
began to chew tobacco ravenously. After a decent interval, however,
Brigadier Downright—who, it would seem, in spite of his military
appellation, was neither more nor less than a practising attorney and
counsellor in the city of Bivouac, the commercial capital of the
Republic of Leaplow—arose, and claimed a right to be heard in reply.
The court now took it into its head to start the objection, for the
first time, that the advocate had not been duly qualified to plead, or
to argue, at their bar. My brother Downright instantly referred their
lordships to the law of adoption, and to that provision of the criminal
code which permitted the accused to be heard by his next of kin.

“Prisoner at the bar,” said the chief-justice, “you hear the statement
of counsel. Is it your desire to commit the management of your defence
to your next of kin?”

“To anybody, your honors, if the court please,” returned Noah,
furiously masticating his beloved weed; “to anybody who will do it
well, my honorables, and do it cheap.”

“And do you adopt, under the provisions of the statute in such cases
made and provided, Aaron Downright as one of your next of kin, and if
so, in what capacity?”

“I do—I do—my lords and your honors—I do, body and soul—if you please,
I adopt the brigadier as my father; and my fellow human being and tried
friend, Sir John Goldencalf, here, I adopt him as my mother.”

The court now formally assenting, the facts were entered of record, and
my brother Downright was requested to proceed with the defence.

The counsel for the prisoner, like Dandin, in Racine’s comedy of Les
Plaideurs, was disposed to pass over the deluge, and to plunge
instantly into the core of his subject. He commenced with a review of
the royal prerogatives, and with a definition of the words “to reign.”
Referring to the dictionary of the academy, he showed triumphantly,
that to reign, was no other than to “govern as a sovereign”; while to
govern, in the familiar signification, was no more than to govern in
the name of a prince, or as a deputy. Having successfully established
this point, he laid down the position, that the greater might contain
the less, but that the less could not possibly contain the greater.
That the right to reign, or to govern, in the generic signification of
the term, must include all the lawful attributes of him who only
governed, in the secondary signification; and that, consequently, the
king not only reigned, but governed. He then proceeded to show that
memory was indispensable to him who governed, since, without one he
could neither recollect the laws, make a suitable disposition of
rewards and punishments, nor, in fact, do any other intelligent or
necessary act. Again, it was contended that by the law of the land the
king’s conscience was in the keeping of his first-cousin. Now, in order
that the king’s conscience should be in such keeping, it was clear that
he must HAVE a conscience, since a nonentity could not be in keeping,
or even put in commission; and, having a conscience, it followed, ex
necessitate rei, that he must have the attributes of a conscience, of
which memory formed one of the most essential features. Conscience was
defined to be “the faculty by which we judge of the goodness or
wickedness of our own actions. (See Johnson’s Dictionary, page 162,
letter C. London edition. Rivington, publisher.) Now, in what manner
can one judge of the goodness or wickedness of his acts, or of those of
any other person, if he knows nothing about them? and how can he know
anything of the past, unless endowed with the faculty of a memory?”

Again; it was a political corollary from the institutions of Leaphigh,
that the king could do no wrong—

“I beg your pardon, my brother Downright,” interrupted the
chief-justice, “it is not a corollary, but a proposition—and one, too,
that is held to be demonstrated. It is the paramount law of the land.”

“I thank you, my lord,” continued the brigadier, “as your lordship’s
high authority makes my case so much the stronger. It is, then, settled
law, gentle monikins of the jury, that the sovereign of this realm can
do no wrong. It is also settled law—their lordships will correct me, if
I misstate—it is also settled law that the sovereign is the fountain of
honor, that he can make war and peace, that he administers justice,
sees the laws executed—”

“I beg your pardon, again, brother Downright,” interrupted the
chief-justice. “This is not the law, but the prerogative. It is the
king’s prerogative to be and do all this, but it is very far from being
law.”

“Am I to understand, my lord, that the court makes a distinction
between that which is prerogative, and that which is law?”

“Beyond a doubt, brother Downright! If all that is prerogative was also
law, we could not get on an hour.”

“Prerogative, if your lordship pleases, or prerogativa, is defined to
be ‘an exclusive or peculiar privilege.’ (Johnson. Letter P, page 139,
fifth clause from bottom; edition as aforesaid. Speaking slow, in order
to enable Baron Longbeard to make his notes.) Now, an exclusive
privilege, I humbly urge, must supersede all enactments, and—”

“Not at all, sir—not at all, sir—not at all, sir,” put in my lord
chief-justice, dogmatically-looking out of the window at the clouds, in
a way to show that his mind was quite made up. “Not at all, good sir.
The king has his prerogatives, beyond a question; and they are sacred—a
part of the constitution. They are, moreover, exclusive and peculiar,
as stated by Johnson; but their exclusiveness and peculiarity are not
to be constructed in the vulgar acceptations. In treating of the vast
interests of a state, the mind must take a wide range; and I hold,
brother Longbeard, there is no principle more settled than the fact,
that prerogativa is one thing, and lex, or the law, another.” The baron
bowed assent. “By exclusion, in this case, is meant that the
prerogative touches only his majesty. The prerogative is exclusively
his property, and he may do what he pleases with it; but the law is
made for the nation, and is altogether a different matter. Again: by
peculiar, is clearly meant peculiarity, or that this case is analogous
to no other, and must be reasoned on by the aid of a peculiar logic.
No, sir—the king can make peace and war, it is true, under his
prerogative; but then his conscience is hard and fast in the keeping of
another, who alone can perform all legal acts.”

“But, my lord, justice, though administered by others, is still
administered in the king’s name.”

“No doubt, in his name: this is a part of the peculiar privilege. War
is made in his majesty’s name, too—so is peace. What is war? It is the
personal conflicts between bodies of men of different nations. Does his
majesty engage in these conflicts? Certainly not. The war is maintained
by taxes. Does his majesty pay them? No. Thus we see that while the war
is constitutionally the king’s, it is practically the people’s. It
follows, as a corollary—since you quote corollaries, brother
Downright—that there are two wars—or the war of the prerogative, and
the war of the fact. Now, the prerogative is a constitutional
principle—a very sacred one, certainly—but a fact is a thing that comes
home to every monikin’s fireside; and therefore the courts have
decided, ever since the reign of Timid II., or ever since they dared,
that the prerogative was one thing, and the law another.”

My brother Downright seemed a good deal perplexed by the distinctions
of the court, and he concluded much sooner than he otherwise would have
done; summing up the whole of his arguments, by showing, or attempting
to show, that if the king had even these peculiar privileges, and
nothing else, he must be supposed to have a memory.

The court now called upon the attorney-general to reply; but that
person appeared to think his case strong enough as it was, and the
matter, by agreement, was submitted to the jury, after a short charge
from the bench.

“You are not to suffer your intellects to be confused, gentlemonikins,
by the argument of the prisoner’s counsel,” concluded the
chief-justice. “He has done his duty, and it remains for you to be
equally conscientious. You are, in this case, the judges of the law and
the fact; but it is a part of my functions to inform you what they both
are. By the law, the king is supposed to have no faculties. The
inference drawn by counsel, that, not being capable of erring, the king
must have the highest possible moral attributes, and consequently a
memory, is unsound. The constitution says his majesty CAN do no wrong.
This inability may proceed from a variety of causes. If he can do
NOTHING, for instance, he can do no wrong. The constitution does not
say that the sovereign WILL do no wrong—but, that he CAN do no wrong.
Now, gentlemonikins, when a thing cannot be done, it becomes
impossible; and it is, of course, beyond the reach of argument. It is
of no moment whether a person has a memory, if he cannot use it, and,
in such a case, the legal presumption is, that he is without a memory;
for, otherwise, nature, who is ever wise and beneficent, would be
throwing away her gifts.

“Gentlemonikins, I have already said you are the judges, in this case,
of both the law and the fact. The fate of the prisoner is in your
hands. God forbid that it should be, in any manner, influenced by me;
but this is an offence against the king’s dignity, and the security of
the realm; the law is against the prisoner, the facts are all against
the prisoner, and I do not doubt that your verdict will be the
spontaneous decision of your own excellent judgments, and of such a
nature as will prevent the necessity of our ordering a new trial.”

The jurors put their tails together, and in less than a minute, their
foremonikin rendered a verdict of guilty. Noah sighed, and took a fresh
supply of tobacco.

The case of the queen was immediately opened by her majesty’s
attorney-general; the prisoner having been previously arraigned, and a
plea entered of “not guilty.”

The queen’s advocate made a bitter attack on the animus of the
unfortunate prisoner. He described her majesty as a paragon of
excellences; as the depositary of all the monikin virtues, and the
model of her sex. “If she, who was so justly celebrated for the gifts
of charity, meekness, religion, justice, and submission to feminine
duties, had no memory,” he asked leave to demand, in the name of God,
who had? “Without a memory, in what manner was this illustrious
personage to recall her duties to her royal consort, her duties to her
royal offspring, her duties to her royal self? Memory was peculiarly a
royal attribute; and without its possession no one could properly be
deemed of high and ancient lineage. Memory referred to the past, and
the consideration due to royalty was scarcely ever a present
consideration, but a consideration connected with the past. We
venerated the past. Time was divided into the past, present, and
future. The past was invariably a monarchical interest—the present was
claimed by republicans—the future belonged to fate. If it were decided
that the queen had no memory, we should strike a blow at royalty. It
was by memory, as connected with the public archives, that the king
derived his title to his throne; it was by memory, which recalled the
deeds of his ancestors, that he became entitled to our most profound
respect.”

In this manner did the queen’s attorney-general speak for about an
hour, when he gave way to the counsel for the prisoner. But, to my
great surprise, for I knew that this accusation was much the gravest of
the two, since the head of Noah would be the price of conviction, my
brother Downright, instead of making a very ingenious reply, as I had
fully anticipated, merely said a few words, in which he expressed so
firm a confidence in the acquittal of his client, as to appear to think
a further defence altogether unnecessary. He had no sooner seated
himself, than I expressed a strong dissatisfaction with this course,
and avowed an intention to make an effort in behalf of my poor friend,
myself.

“Keep silence, Sir John,” whispered my brother Downright; “the advocate
who makes many unsuccessful applications gets to be disrespected. I
charge myself with the care of the lord high admiral’s interests; at
the proper time they shall be duly attended to.”

Having the profoundest respect for the brigadier’s legal attainments,
and no great confidence in my own, I was fain to submit. In the
meantime, the business of the court proceeded; and the jury, having
received a short charge from the bench, which was quite as impartial as
a positive injunction to convict could very well be, again rendered the
verdict of “guilty.”

In Leaphigh, although it is deemed indecent to wear clothes, it is also
esteemed exceedingly decorous for certain high functionaries to adorn
their persons with suitable badges of their official rank. We have
already had an account of the hierarchy of tails, and a general
description of the mantle composed of tenth-hairs; but I had forgotten
to say that both my lord chief-justice and Baron Longbeard had
tail-cases made of the skins of deceased monikins, which gave the
appearance of greater development to their intellectual organs, and
most probably had some influence in the way of coddling their brains,
which required great care and attention on account of incessant use.
They now drew over these tail-cases a sort of box-coat of a very
bloodthirsty color, which, we were given to understand, was a sign that
they were in earnest, and about to pronounce sentence; justice in
Leaphigh being of singularly bloodthirsty habits.

“Prisoner at the bar,” the chief-justice began, in a voice of reproof,
“you have heard the decision of your peers. You have been arraigned and
tried on the heinous charge of having accused the sovereign of this
realm of being in possession of the faculty called ‘a memory,’ thereby
endangering the peace of society, unsettling the social relations, and
setting a dangerous example of insubordination and of contempt of the
laws. Of this crime, after a singularly patient and impartial hearing,
you have been found guilty. The law allows the court no discretion in
the case. It is my duty to pass sentence forthwith; and I now solemnly
ask you, if you have anything to say why sentence of decaudization
should not be pronounced against you.” Here the chief-justice took just
time enough to gape, and then proceeded—“You are right in throwing
yourself altogether on the mercy of the court, which better knows what
is fittest for you, than you can possibly know for yourself. You will
be taken, Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color, forthwith, to the
centre of the public square, between the hours of sunrise and sunset of
this day, where your cauda will be cut off; and after it has been
divided into four parts, a part will be exposed towards each of the
cardinal points of the compass; and the brush thereof being consumed by
fire, the ashes will be thrown into your face, and this without benefit
of clergy. And may the Lord have mercy on your soul!”

“Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color,” put in Baron Longbeard, without
giving the culprit breathing-time, “you have been indicted, tried, and
found guilty of the enormous crime of charging the queen-consort of
this realm of being wanting in the ordinary, important, and every-day
faculty of a memory. Have you anything to say why sentence should not
be forthwith passed against you? No; I am sure you are very right in
throwing yourself altogether on the mercy of the court, which is quite
disposed to show you all that is in its power, which happens, in this
case, to be none at all. I need not dwell on the gravity of your
offence. If the law should allow that the queen has no memory, other
females might put in claims to the same privilege, and society would
become a chaos. Marriage vows, duties, affections, and all our nearest
and dearest interests would be unhinged, and this pleasant state of
being would degenerate into a moral, or rather an immoral pandemonium.
Keeping in view these all-important considerations, and more especially
the imperativeness of the law, which does not admit of discretion, the
court sentences you to be carried hence, without delay, to the centre
of the great square, where your head will be severed from your body by
the public executioner, without benefit of clergy; after which your
remains are to be consigned to the public hospitals for the purposes of
dissection.”

The words were scarcely out of Baron Longbeard’s mouth, before both the
attorneys-general started up, to move the court in behalf of the
separate dignities of their respective principals. Mr. Attorney-General
of the crown prayed the court so far to amend its sentence, as to give
precedency to the punishment on account of the offence against the
king; and Mr. Attorney-General for the queen, to pray the court it
would not be so far forgetful of her majesty’s rights and dignity, as
to establish a precedent so destructive of both. I caught a glimpse of
hope glancing about the eyes of my brother Downright, who, waiting just
long enough to let the two advocates warm themselves over these points
of law, arose and moved the court for a stay of execution, on the plea
that neither sentence was legal—that delivered by my lord chief-justice
containing a contradiction, inasmuch as it ordered the decaudization to
take place between THE HOURS OF SUNRISE AND SUNSET, and also FORTHWITH;
and that delivered by Baron Longbeard, on account of its ordering the
body to be given up to dissection, contrary to the law, which merely
made that provision in the case of condemned MONIKINS, the prisoner at
the bar being entirely of another species.

The court deemed all these objections serious, but decided on its own
incompetency to take cognizance of them. It was a question for the
twelve judges, who were now on the point of assembling, and to whom
they referred the whole affair on appeal. In the meantime, justice
could not be stayed. The prisoner must be carried out into the square,
and matters must proceed; but, should either of the points be finally
determined in his favor, he could have the benefit of it, so far as
circumstances would then allow. Hereupon the court rose, and the
judges, counsel, and clerks repaired in a body to the hall of the
twelve judges.




CHAPTER XXI.
BETTER AND BETTER—MORE LAW AND MORE JUSTICE—TAILS AND HEADS: THE
IMPORTANCE OF KEEPING EACH IN ITS PROPER PLACE.


Noah was incontinently transferred to the place of execution, where I
promised to meet him in time to receive his parting sigh, curiosity
inducing me first to learn the issue on the appeal. The brigadier told
me in confidence, as we went to the other hall, that the affair was now
getting to be one of great interest; that hitherto it had been mere
boy’s play, but it would in future require counsel of great reading and
research to handle the arguments, and that he flattered himself there
was a good occasion likely to present itself, for him to show what
monikin reason really was.

The whole of the twelve wore tail-cases, and altogether they presented
a formidable array of intellectual development. As the cause of Noah
was admitted to be one of more than common urgency, after hearing only
three or four other short applications on behalf of the crown, whose
rights always have precedence on such occasions, the attorney-general
of the king was desired to open his case.

The learned counsel spoke, in anticipation, to the objections of both
his adversaries, beginning with those of my brother Downright.
Forthwith, he contended, might be at any period of the twenty-four
hours, according to the actual time of using the term. Thus, forthwith
of a morning, would mean in the morning; forthwith at noon, would mean
at noon; and so on to the close of the legal day. Moreover, in a legal
signification, forthwith must mean between sunrise and sunset, the
statute commanding that all executions shall take place by the light of
the sun, and consequently the two terms ratified and confirmed each
other, instead of conveying a contradiction, or of neutralizing each
other, as would most probably be contended by the opposite counsel.

To all this my brother Downright, as is usual on such occasions,
objected pretty much the converse. He maintained that ALL light
proceeded from the sun; and that the statute, therefore, could only
mean that there should be no executions during eclipses, a period when
the whole monikin race ought to be occupied in adoration. Forthwith,
moreover, did not necessarily mean forthwith, for forthwith meant
immediately; and “between sunrise and sunset” meant between sunrise and
sunset; which might be immediately, or might not.

On this point the twelve judges decided, firstly, that forthwith did
not mean forthwith; secondly, that forthwith did mean forthwith;
thirdly, that forthwith had two legal meanings; fourthly, that it was
illegal to apply one of these legal meanings to a wrong legal purpose;
and fifthly, that the objection was of no avail, as respected the case
of No. 1, sea-water-color. Ordered, therefore, that the criminal lose
his tail forthwith.

The objection to the other sentence met with no better fate. Men and
monikins did not differ more than some men differed from other men, or
some monikins differed from other monikins. Ordered, that the sentence
be confirmed, with costs. I thought this decision the soundest of the
two; for I had often had occasion to observe, that there were very
startling points of resemblance between monkeys and our own species.

The contest now commenced between the two attorneys-general in earnest;
and, as the point at issue was a question of mere rank, it excited a
lively—I may say an engrossing—interest in all the hearers. It was
settled, however, after a vigorous discussion, in favor of the king,
whose royal dignity the twelve judges were unanimously of opinion was
entitled to precedency over that of the queen. To my great surprise, my
brother Downright volunteered an argument on this intricate point,
making an exceedingly clever speech in favor of the king’s dignity, as
was admitted by every one who heard it. It rested chiefly on the point
that the ashes of the tail were, by the sentence, to be thrown into the
culprit’s face. It is true this might be done physically after
decapitation, but it could not be done morally. This part of the
punishment was designed for a moral effect; and to produce that effect,
consciousness and shame were both necessary. Therefore the moral act of
throwing the ashes into the face of the criminal could only be done
while he was living, and capable of being ashamed.

Meditation, chief-justice, delivered the opinion of the bench. It
contained the usual amount of legal ingenuity and logic, was esteemed
as very eloquent in that part which touched on the sacred and
inviolable character of the royal prerogatives (prerogativae as he
termed them), and was so lucid in pointing out the general inferiority
of the queen-consort, that I felt happy her majesty was not present to
hear herself and sex undervalued. As might have been expected, it
allowed great weight to the distinction taken by the brigadier. The
decision was in the following words, viz.: “Rex et Regina versus No. 1,
sea-water-color: ordered, that the officers of justice shall proceed
forthwith to decaudizate the defendant before they decapitate him;
provided he has not been forthwith decapitated before he can be
decaudizated.”

The moment this mandamus was put into the hands of the proper officer,
Brigadier Downright caught me by the knee, and led me out of the hall
of justice, as if both out lives depended on our expedition. I was
about to reproach him for having volunteered to aid the king’s
attorney-general, when, seizing me by the root of the tail, for the
want of a button-hole, he said, with evident satisfaction:

“Affairs go on swimmingly, my dear Sir John! I do not remember to have
been employed, for some years, in a more interesting litigation. Now
this cause, which, no doubt, you think is drawing to a close, has just
reached its pivot, or turning-point; and I see every prospect of
extricating our client with great credit to myself.”

“How! my brother Downright!” I interrupted; “the accused is finally
sentenced, if not actually executed!”

“Not so fast, my good Sir John—not so fast, by any means. Nothing is
final in law, while there is a farthing to meet the costs, or the
criminal can yet gasp. I hold our case to be in an excellent way; much
better than I have deemed it at any time since the accused was
arraigned.”

Surprise left me no other power than that which was necessary to demand
an explanation.

“All depends on the single fact, dear sir,” continued my brother
Downright, “whether the head is still on the body of the accused or
not. Do you proceed, as fast as possible, to the place of execution;
and, should our client still have a head, keep up his spirits by a
proper religious discourse, always preparing him for the worst, for
this is no more than wisdom; but, the instant his tail is separated
from his body, run hither as fast as you can, to apprise me of the
fact. I ask but two things of you—speed in coming with the news, and
perfect certainty that the tail is not yet attached to the rest of the
frame, by even a hair. A hair often turns the scales of justice!”

“The case seems desperate—would it not be as well for me to run down to
the palace, at once; demand an audience of their majesties, throw
myself on my knees before the royal pair, and implore a pardon?”

“Your project is impracticable, for three sufficient reasons: firstly,
there is not time; secondly, you would not be admitted without a
special appointment; thirdly, there is neither a king nor a queen!”

“No king in Leaphigh!”

“I have said it.”

“Explain yourself, brother Downright, or I shall be obliged to refute
what you say, by the evidence of my own senses.”

“Your senses will prove to be false witnesses then. Formerly there was
a king in Leaphigh, and one who governed, as well as reigned. But the
nobles and grandees of the country, deeming it indecent to trouble his
majesty with affairs of state any longer, took upon themselves all the
trouble of governing, leaving to the sovereign the sole duty of
reigning. This was done in a way to save his feelings, under the
pretence of setting up a barrier to the physical force and abuses of
the mass. After a time, it was found inconvenient and expensive to feed
and otherwise support the royal family, and all its members were
privately shipped to a distant region, which had not yet got to be so
far advanced in civilization, as to know how to keep up a monarchy
without a monarch.”

“And does Leaphigh succeed in effecting this prodigy?”

“Wonderfully well. By means of decapitations and decaudizations enough,
even greater exploits may be performed.”

“But am I to understand literally, brother Downright, there is no such
thing as a monarch in this country?”

“Literally.”

“And the presentations?”

“Are like these trials, to maintain the monarchy.”

“And the crimson curtains?—”

“Conceal empty seats.”

“Why not, then, dispense with so much costly representation?”

“In what way could the grandees cry out that the throne is in danger,
if there were no throne? It is one thing to have no monarch, and
another to have no throne. But all this time our client is in great
jeopardy. Hasten, therefore, and be particular to act as I have just
instructed you.”

I stopped to hear no more, but in a minute was flying towards the
centre of the square. It was easy enough to perceive the tail of my
friend waving over the crowd; but grief and apprehension had already
rendered his countenance so rueful, that, at the first glance, I did
not recognize his head. He was, however, still in the body; for,
luckily for himself, and more especially for the success of his
principal counsel, the gravity of his crimes had rendered unusual
preparations necessary for the execution. As the mandate of the court
had not yet arrived—justice being as prompt in Leaphigh as her
ministers are dilatory—two blocks were prepared, and the culprit was
about to get down on his hands and knees between them, just as I forced
my way through the crowd to his side.

“Ah! Sir John, this is an awful predicament!” exclaimed the rebuked
Noah; “a ra’ally awful situation for a human Christian to have his
enemies lying athwart both bows and starn!”

“While there is life there is hope; but it is always best to be
prepared for the worst—he who is thus prepared never can meet with a
disagreeable surprise. Messrs. Executioners”—for there were two, that
of the king, and that of the queen, or one at each end of the unhappy
criminal—“Messrs. Executioners, I pray you to give the culprit a moment
to arrange his thoughts, and to communicate his last requests in behalf
of his distant family and friends!”

To this reasonable petition neither of the higher functionaries of the
law made any objection, although both insisted if they did not
forthwith bring the culprit to the last stages of preparation, they
might lose their places. They did not see, however, but a man might
pause for a moment on the brink of the grave. It would seem that there
had been a little misunderstanding between the executioners themselves
on the point of precedency, which had been one cause of the delay, and
which had been disposed of by an arrangement that both should operate
at the same instant. Noah was now brought down to his hands and knees,
“moored head and starn,” as that unfeeling blackguard Bob, who was in
the crowd, expressed it, between the two blocks, his neck lying on one
and his tail on the other. While in this edifying attitude, I was
permitted to address him.

“It may be well to bethink you of your soul, my dear captain,” I said;
“for, to speak truth, these axes have a very prompt and sanguinary
appearance.”

“I know it, Sir John, I know it; and, not to mislead you, I will own
that I have been repenting with all my might, ever since that first
vardict. That affair of the lord high admiral, in particular, has given
me a good deal of consarn; and I now humbly ask your pardon for being
led away by such a miserable deception, which is all owing to that
riptyle Dr. Reasono, who, I hope, will yet meet with his desarts. I
forgive everybody, and hope everybody will forgive me. As for Miss
Poke, it will be a hard case; for she is altogether past expecting
another consort, and she must be satisfied to be a relic the rest of
her days.”

“Repentance, repentance, my dear Noah—repentance is the one thing
needful for a man in your extremity.”

“I do—I do, Sir John, body and soul—I repent, from the bottom of my
heart, ever having come on this v’y’ge—nay, I don’t know but I repent
ever having come outside of Montauk Point. I might, at this moment,
have been a school-master or a tavern-keeper in Stunnin’tun; and they
are both good wholesome berths, particularly the last. Lord love you!
Sir John, if repentance would do any good, I should be pardoned on the
spot.”

Here Noah caught a glimpse of Bob grinning in the crowd, and he asked
of the executioners, as a last favor, that they would have the boy
brought near, that he might take an affectionate leave of him. This
reasonable request was complied with, despite of poor Bob’s struggles;
and the youngster had quite as good reasons for hearty repentance as
the culprit himself. Just at this trying moment the mandate for the
order of the punishments arrived, and the officials seriously declared
that the condemned must be prepared to meet his fate.

The unflinching manner in which Captain Poke submitted to the mortal
process of decaudization extracted plaudits from, and awakened sympathy
in every monikin present. Having satisfied myself that the tail was
actually separated from the body, I ran, as fast as legs could carry
me, towards the hall of the twelve judges. My brother Downright, who
was impatiently expecting my appearance, instantly arose and moved the
bench to issue a mandamus for a stay of execution in the case of
“Regina versus Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color. By the statute of
the 2d of Longevity and Flirtilla, it was enacted, my lords,” put in
the brigadier, “that in no case shall a convicted felon suffer loss of
life, or limb, while it can be established that he is non compos
mentis. This is also a rule, my lords, of common law—but being common
sense and common monikinity, it has been thought prudent to enforce it
by an especial enactment. I presume Mr. Attorney-General for the queen
will scarcely dispute the law of the case—”

“Not at all, my lords—though I have some doubts as to the fact. The
fact remains to be established,” answered the other, taking snuff.

“The fact is certain, and will not admit of cavil. In the case of Rex
versus Noah Poke, the court ordered the punishment of decaudization to
take precedence of that of decapitation, in the case of Regina versus
the same. Process had been issued from the bench to that effect; the
culprit has, in consequence, lost his cauda, and with it his reason; a
creature without reason has always been held to be non compos mentis,
and by the law of the land is not liable to the punishments of life or
limb.”

“Your law is plausible, my brother Downright,” observed my lord
chief-justice, “but it remains for the bench to be put in possession of
the facts. At the next term, you will perhaps be better prepared—”

“I pray you, my lord, to remember that this is a case which will not
admit of three months’ delay.”

“We can decide the principle a year hence, as well as to-day; and we
have now sat longer in banco,” looking at his watch, “than is either
usual, agreeable, or expedient.”

“But, my lords, the proof is at hand. Here is a witness to establish
that the cauda of Noah Poke, the defendant of record, has actually been
separated from his body—”

“Nay—nay—my brother Downright, a barrister of your experience must know
that the twelve can only take evidence on affidavit. If you had an
affidavit prepared, we might possibly find time to hear it, before we
adjourn; as it is, the affair must lie over to another sitting.”

I was now in a cold sweat, for I could distinctly scent the peculiar
odor of the burning tail; the ashes of which being fairly thrown into
Noah’s face, there remained no further obstacle to the process of
decapitation—the sentence, it will be remembered, having kept his
countenance on his shoulders expressly for that object. My brother
Downright, however, was not a lawyer to be defeated by so simple a
stumbling-block. Seizing a paper that was already written over in a
good legal hand, which happened to be lying before him, he read it,
without pause or hesitation, in the following manner:

“Regina versus Noah Poke.”

“Kingdom of Leaphigh, Season of Nuts, {Personally this fourth day of
the Moon.} appeared before me, Meditation, Lord Chief-Justice of the
Court of King’s Bench, John Goldencalf, baronet, of the Kingdom of
Great Britain, who, being duly sworn, doth depose and say, viz., that
he, the said deponent, was present at, and did witness, the
decaudization of the defendant in this suit, and that the tail of the
said Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color, hath been truly and
physically separated from his body.

“—And further this deponent sayeth not. Signature, etc.”

Having read, in the most fluent manner, the foregoing affidavit, which
existed only in his own brain, my brother Downright desired the court
to take my deposition to its truth.

“John Goldencalf, baronet,” said the chief-justice, “you have heard
what has just been read; do you swear to its truth?”

“I do.”

Here the affidavit was signed by both my lord chief-justice and myself,
and it was duly put on file. I afterwards learned that the paper used
by my brother Downright on this memorable occasion was no other than
the notes which the chief-justice himself had taken on one of the
arguments in the case in question, and that, seeing the names and title
of the cause, besides finding it no easy matter to read his own
writing, that high officer of the crown had, very naturally, supposed
that all was right. As to the rest of the bench, they were in too great
a hurry to go to dinner, to stop and read affidavits, and the case was
instantly disposed of, by the following decision:

“Regina versus Noah Poke, etc. Ordered, that the culprit be considered
non compos mentis, and that he be discharged, on finding security to
keep the peace for the remainder of his natural life.”

An officer was instantly dispatched to the great square with this
reprieve, and the court rose. I delayed a little in order to enter into
the necessary recognizances in behalf of Noah, taking up at the same
time the bonds given the previous night, for his appearance to answer
to the indictments. These forms being duly complied with, my brother
Downright and myself repaired to the place of execution, in order to
congratulate our client—the former justly elated with his success,
which he assured me was not a little to the credit of his own
education.

We found Noah surprisingly relieved by his liberation from the hands of
the Philistines; nor was he at all backwards in expressing his
satisfaction at the unexpected turn things had taken. According to his
account of the matter, he did not set a higher value on his head than
another; still, it was convenient to have one; had it been necessary to
part with it, he made no doubt he should have submitted to do so like a
man, referring to the fortitude with which he had borne the amputation
of his cauda, as a proof of his resolution; for his part, he should
take very good care how he accused any one with having a memory, or
anything else, again, and he now saw the excellence of those wise
provisions of the laws, which cut up a criminal in order to prevent the
repetition of his offences; he did not intend to stay much longer on
shore, believing he should be less in the way of temptation on board
the Walrus than among the monikins; and, as for his own people, he was
sure of soon catching them on board again, for they had now been off
their pork twenty-four hours, and nuts were but poor grub for foremast
hands, after all; philosophers might say what they pleased about
governments, but, in his opinion, the only ra’al tyrant on ’arth was
the belly; he did not remember ever to have had a struggle with his
belly—and he had a thousand—that the belly didn’t get the better; that
it would be awkward to lay down the title of lord high admiral, but it
was easier to lay down that than to lay down his head; that as for
cauda, though it was certainly agreeable to be in the fashion, he could
do very well without one, and when he got back to Stunnin’tun, should
the worst come to the worst, there was a certain saddler in the place
who could give him as good a fit as the one he had lost; that Miss Poke
would have been greatly scandalized, however, had he come home after
decapitation; that it might be well to sail for Leaplow as soon as
convenient, for in that country he understood bobs were in fashion, and
he admitted that he should not like to cruise about Leaphigh, for any
great length of time, unless he could look as other people look; for
his part, he bore no one a grudge, and he freely forgave everybody but
Bob, out of whom, the Lord willing, he proposed to have full
satisfaction, before the ship should be twenty-four hours at sea, etc.,
etc., etc.

Such was the general tendency of the remarks of Captain Poke, as we
proceeded towards the port, where he embarked and went on board the
Walrus, with some eagerness, having learned that our rear-admirals and
post-captains had, indeed, yielded to the calls of nature, and had all
gone to their duty, swearing they would rather be foremast Jacks in a
well-victualled ship, than the king of Leaphigh upon nuts.

The captain had no sooner entered the boat, taking his head with him,
than I began to make my acknowledgments to my brother Downright for the
able manner in which he had defended my fellow human being; paying, at
the same time, some well-merited compliments to the ingenious and truly
philosophical distinctions of the Leaphigh system of jurisprudence.

“Spare your thanks and your commendations, I beg of you, good Sir
John,” returned the brigadier, as we walked back towards my lodgings.
“We did as well as circumstances would allow; though our whole defence
would have been upset, had not the chief-justice very luckily been
unable to read his own handwriting. As for the principles and forms of
the monikin law—for in these particulars Leaplow is very much like
Leaphigh—as you have seen them displayed in these two suits, why, they
are such as we have. I do not pretend that they are faultless; on the
contrary, I could point out improvements myself—but we get on with them
as well as we can: no doubt, among men, you have codes that will better
bear examination.”




CHAPTER XXII.
A NEOPHYTE IN DIPLOMACY—DIPLOMATIC INTRODUCTION—A CALCULATION—A
SHIPMENT OF OPINIONS—HOW TO CHOOSE AN INVOICE, WITH AN ASSORTMENT.


I now began seriously to think of sailing for Leaplow; for, I confess,
I was heartily tired of being thought the governor of His Royal
Highness Prince Bob, and pined to be restored once more to my proper
place in society. I was the more incited to make the change by the
representations of the brigadier, who assured me that it was sufficient
to come from foreign parts to be esteemed a nobleman in Leaplow, and
that I need not apprehend in his country any of the ill-treatment I had
received in the one in which I now was. After talking over the matter,
therefore, in a familiar way, we determined to repair at once to the
Leaplow legation, in order to ask for our passports, and to offer, at
the same time, to carry any dispatches that Judge People’s Friend might
have prepared for his government—it being the custom of the Leaplowers
to trust to these godsends in carrying on their diplomatic
correspondence.

We found the judge in undress, and a very different figure he cut,
certainly, from that which he made when I saw him the previous night at
court. Then he was all queue; now he was all bob. He seemed glad to see
us, however, and quite delighted when I told him of the intention to
sail for Leaplow, as soon as the wind served. He instantly asked a
passage for himself, with republican simplicity.

There was to be another turn of the great and little wheels, he said,
and it was quite important to himself to be on the spot; for, although
everything was, beyond all question, managed with perfect republican
propriety, yet, somehow (and yet he did not know exactly how, but
SOMEHOW), those who are on the spot always get the best prizes. If I
could give him a passage, therefore, he would esteem it a great
personal favor; and I might depend on it, the circumstance would be
well received by the party. Although I did not very well understand
what he meant by this party, which was to view the act so kindly, I
very cheerfully told the judge that the apartments lately occupied by
my lord Chatterino and his friends were perfectly at his disposal. I
was then asked when I intended to sail; and the answer was, the instant
the wind hauled, so we could lay out of the harbor. It might be within
half an hour. Hereupon Judge People’s Friend begged I would have the
goodness to wait until he could hunt up a charge d’affaires. His
instructions were most peremptory never to leave the legation without a
charge d’affaires; but he would just brush his bob, and run into the
street, and look up one in five minutes, if I would promise to wait so
long. It would have been unkind to refuse so trifling a favor, and the
promise was given. The judge must have run as fast as his legs would
carry him; for, in about ten minutes, he was back again, with a
diplomatic recruit. He told me his heart had misgiven him sadly. The
three first to whom he offered the place had plumply refused it, and,
indeed, he did not know but he should have a quarrel or two on his
hands; but, at last, he had luckily found one who could get nothing
else to do, and he pinned him on the spot.

So far everything had gone on swimmingly; but the new charge had, most
unfortunately, a very long cauda, a fashion that was inexorably
proscribed by the Leaplow usages, except in cases when the
representative went to court; for it seems the Leaplow political
ethics, like your country buck, has two dresses—one for every-day wear,
and one for Sundays. The judge intimated to his intended substitute,
that it was absolutely indispensable he should submit to an amputation,
or he could not possibly confer the appointment, queues being
proscribed at home by both public opinions, the horizontal and the
perpendicular. To this the candidate objected, that he very well knew
the Leaplow usages on this head, but that he had seen his excellency
himself going to court with a singularly apparent brush; and he had
supposed from that, and from sundry other little occurrences he did not
care to particularize, that the Leaplowers were not so bigoted in their
notions but they could act on the principle of doing at Rome as is done
by the Romans. To this the judge replied, that this principle was
certainly recognized in all things that were agreeable, and that he
knew, from experience, how hard it was to go in a bob, when all around
him went in cauda; but that tails were essentially anti-republican,
and, as such, had been formally voted down in Leaplow, where even the
Great Sachem did not dare to wear one, let him long for it as much as
he would; and if it were known that a public charge offended in this
particular, although he might be momentarily protected by one of the
public opinions, the matter would certainly be taken up by the
opposition public opinion, and then the people might order a new turn
of the little wheel, which heaven it knew! occurred now a great deal
oftener than was either profitable or convenient.

Hereupon the candidate deliberately undid the fastenings and removed
the queue, showing, to our admiration, that it was false, and that he
was, after all neither more nor less than a Leaplower in masquerade;
which, by the way, I afterwards learned, was very apt to be the case
with a great many of that eminently original people, when they got
without the limits of their own beloved land. Judge People’s Friend was
now perfectly delighted. He told us this was exactly what he could most
have wished for. “Here is a bob,” said he, “for the horizontals and
perpendiculars, and there is a capital ready-made cauda for his majesty
and his majesty’s first-cousin! A Leaphighized Leaplower, more
especially if there be a dash of caricature about him, is the very
thing in our diplomacy.” Finding matters so much to his mind, the judge
made out the letter of appointment on the spot, and then proceeded to
give his substitute the usual instructions.

“You are on all occasions,” he said, “to take the utmost care not to
offend the court of Leaphigh, or the meanest of the courtiers, by
advancing any of our peculiar opinions, all of which, beyond dispute,
you have at your finger-ends; on this score, you are to be so
particular that you may even, in your own person, pro tempore, abandon
republicanism—yea, sacred republicanism itself!—knowing that it can
easily be resumed on your return home again. You are to remember there
is nothing so undiplomatic, or even vulgar, as to have an opinion on
any subject, unless it should be the opinion of the persons you may
happen to be in company with; and, as we have the reputation of
possessing that quality in an eminent degree, everywhere but at home,
take especial heed to eschew vulgarity—if you can. You will have the
greatest care, also, to wear the shortest bob in all your private, and
the longest tail in all your public relations, this being one of the
most important of the celebrated checks and balances of our government.
Our institutions being expressly formed by the mass, for the particular
benefit of all, you will be excessively careful not to let the claims
of any one citizen, or even any set of citizens, interfere with that
harmony which it is so necessary, for the purposes of trade, to
maintain with all foreign courts; which courts being accustomed
themselves to consider their subjects as cattle, to be worked in the
traces of the state, are singularly restive whenever they hear of any
individual being made of so much importance. Should any Leaplower
become troublesome on this score, give him a bad name at once; and in
order to effect that object with your own single-minded and
right-loving countrymen, swear that he is a disorganizer, and, my life
on it, both public opinions at home will sustain you; for there is
nothing on which our public opinions agree so well as the absolute
deference which they pay to foreign public opinions—and this the more
especially, in all matters that are likely to affect profits, by
deranging commerce. You will, above all things, make it a point to be
in constant relations with some of the readiest paragraph-writers of
the newspapers, in order to see that facts are properly stated at home.
I would advise you to look out some foreigner, who has never seen
Leaplow, for this employment; one that is also paid to write for the
journals of Leapup, or Leapdown, or some other foreign country; by
which means you will be sure to get an impartial agent, or one who can
state things in your own way, who is already half paid for his
services, and who will not be likely to make blunders by meddling with
distinctive thought. When a person of this character is found, let him
drop a line now and then in favor of your own sagacity and patriotism;
and if he should say a pleasant thing occasionally about me, it will do
no harm, but may help the little wheel to turn more readily. In order
to conceal his origin, let your paragraph-agent use the word OUR
freely; the use of this word, as you know, being the only qualification
of citizenship in Leaplow. Let him begin to spell the word O-U-R, and
then proceed to pronounce it, and be careful that he does not spell it
H-O-U-R, which might betray his origin. Above all things, you will be
patriotic and republican, avoiding the least vindication of your
country and its institutions, and satisfying yourself with saying that
the latter are, at least, well suited to the former, if you should say
this in a way to leave the impression on your hearers, that you think
the former fitted for nothing else, it will be particularly agreeable
and thoroughly republican, and most eminently modest and praiseworthy.
You will find the diplomatic agents of all other states sensitive on
the point of their peculiar political usages, and prompt to defend
them; but this is a weakness you will rigidly abstain from imitating,
for our polity being exclusively based on reason, you are to show a
dignified confidence in the potency of that fundamental principle, nor
in any way lessen the high character that reason already enjoys, by
giving any one cause to suspect you think reason is not fully able to
take care of itself. With these leading hints, and your own natural
tendencies, which I am glad to see are eminently fitted for the great
objects of diplomacy—being ductile, imitative, yielding, calculating,
and, above all, of a foreign disposition—I think you will be able to
get on very cleverly. Cultivate, above all things, your foreign
dispositions, for you are now on foreign duty, and your country reposes
on your shoulders and eminent talents the whole burden of its foreign
interests in this part of the world.”

Here the judge closed his address, which was oral, apparently well
satisfied with himself and with his raw-hand in diplomacy. He then
said—

“That he would now go to court to present his substitute, and to take
leave himself; after which he would return as fast as possible, and
detain us no longer than was necessary to put his cauda in pepper, to
protect it against the moths; for heaven knew what prize he might draw
in the next turn of the little wheel!”

We promised to meet him at the port, where a messenger just then
informed us Captain Poke had landed, and was anxiously waiting our
appearance. With this understanding we separated; the judge undertaking
to redeem all our promises paid in at the tavern, by giving his own in
their stead.

The brigadier and myself found Noah and the cook bargaining for some
private adventures with a Leaphigh broker or two, who, finding that the
ship was about to sail in ballast, were recommending their wares to the
notice of these two worthies.

“It would be a ra’al sin, Sir John,” commenced the captain, “to neglect
an occasion like this to turn a penny. The ship could carry ten
thousand immigrants, and they say there are millions of them going over
to Leaplow; or it might stow half the goods in Aggregation. I’m
resolved, at any rate, to use my cabin privilege; and I would advise
you, as owner, to look out for suthin’ to pay port-charges with, to say
the least.”

“The idea is not a bad one, friend Poke; but, as we are ignorant of the
state of the market on the other side, it might be well to consult some
inhabitant of the country about the choice of articles. Here is the
Brigadier Downright, whom I have found to be a monikin of experience
and judgment, and if you please, we will first hear what he has to say
about it.”

“I dabble very little in merchandise,” returned the brigadier; “but, as
a general principle, I should say that no article of Leaphigh
manufacture would command so certain a market in Leaplow as opinions.”

“Have you any of these opinions for sale?” I inquired of the broker.

“Plenty of them, sir, and of all qualities—from the very lowest to the
very ’ighest prices—those that may be had for next to nothing, to those
that we think a great deal of ourselves. We always keeps them ready
packed for exportation, and send wast invoices of them, hannually, to
Leaplow in particular. Opinions are harticles that help to sell each
other; and a ship of the tonnage of yours might stow enough, provided
they were properly assorted, to carry all before them for the season.”

Expressing a wish to see the packages, we were immediately led into an
adjoining warehouse, where, sure enough, there were goodly lots of the
manufactures in question. I passed along the shelves, reading the
inscriptions of the different packages. Pointing to several bundles
that had “Opinions on Free Trade” written on their labels, I asked the
brigadier what he thought of that article.

“Why, they would have done better, a year or two since, when we were
settling a new tariff; but I should think there would be less demand
for them now.”

“You are quite right, sir,” added the broker; “we did send large
invoices of them to Leaplow formerly, and they were all eagerly bought
up, the moment they arrived. A great many were dyed over again, and
sold as of ’ome manufacture. Most of these harticles are now shipped
for Leapup, with whom we have negotiations that give them a certain
value.”

“‘Opinions on Democracy, and on the Policy of Governments in General’:
I should think these would be of no use in Leaplow?”

“Why, sir, they goes pretty much hover the whole world. We sell powers
on ’em on hour own continent, near by, and a great many do go even to
Leaplow; though what they does with ’em there, I never could say,
seeing they are all government monikins in that queer country.”

An inquiring look extorted a clearer answer from the brigadier:—

“To admit the fact, we have a class among us who buy up these articles
with some eagerness. I can only account for it, by supposing they think
differing in their tastes from the mass, makes them more enlightened
and peculiar.”

“I’ll take them all. An article that catches these propensities is sure
of sale. ‘Opinions on Events’: what can possibly be done with these?”

“That depends a little on their classification,” returned the
brigadier. “If they relate to Leaplow events, while they have a certain
value, they cannot be termed of current value; but if they refer to the
events of all the rest of the earth, take them for heaven’s sake! for
we trust altogether to this market for our supplies.”

On this hint I ordered the whole lot, trusting to dispose of the least
fashionable by aid of those that were more in vogue.

“‘Opinions on Domestic Literature.’”

“You may buy all he has; we use no other.”

“‘Opinions on Continental Literature.’”

“Why, we know little about the goods themselves—but I think a selection
might answer.”

I ordered the bale cut in two, and took one half, at a venture.

“‘Opinions of Leaplow Literature, From No. 1 up to No. 100.’”

“Ah! it is proper I should explain,” put in the broker, “that we has
two varieties of them ’ere harticles. One is the true harticle, as is
got up by our great wits and philosophers, they says, on the most
approved models; but the other is nothing but a sham harticle that is
really manufactured in Leaplow, and is sent out here to get hour stamp.
That’s all—I never deceives a customer—both sell well, I hear, on the
other side, ’owever.”

I looked again at the brigadier, who quietly nodding assent, I took the
whole hundred bales.

“‘Opinions of the Institutions of Leaphigh.’”

“Why, them ’ere is assorted, being of all sizes, forms, and colors.
They came coastwise, and are chiefly for domestic consumption; though I
have known ’em sent to Leaplow, with success.”

“The consumers of this article among us,” observed the brigadier, “are
very select, and rarely take any but of the very best quality. But then
they are usually so well stocked, that I question if a new importation
would pay freight. Indeed, our consumers cling very generally to the
old fashions in this article, not even admitting the changes produced
by time. There was an old manufacturer called Whiterock, who has a sort
of Barlow-knife reputation among us, and it is not easy to get another
article to compete with his. Unless they are very antiquated, I would
have nothing to do with them.”

“Yes, this is all true, sir. We still sends to Leaplow quantities of
that ’ere manufacture; and the more hantiquated the harticle, the
better it sells; but then the new fashions has a most wonderful run at
’ome.”

“I’ll stick to the real Barlow, through thick or thin. Hunt me up a
bale of his notions; let them be as old as the flood. What have we
here?—‘opinions on the Institutions of Leaplow.’”

“Take them,” said the brigadier, promptly.

“This ’ere gentleman has an hidear of the state of his own market,”
added the broker, giggling. “Wast lots of these things go across
yearly—and I don’t find that any on ’em ever comes back.”

“‘Opinions on the State of Manners and Society in Leaplow.’”

“I believe I’ll take an interest in that article myself, Sir John, if
you can give me a ton or two between decks. Have you many of this
manufacture?”

“Lots on ’em, sir—and they DO sell so! That ’ere are a good harticle
both at ’ome and abroad. My eye! how they does go off in Leaplow!”

“This appears to be also your expectation, brigadier, by your readiness
to take an interest!”

“To speak the truth, nothing sells better in our beloved country.”

“Permit me to remark that I find your readiness to purchase this and
the last article, a little singular. If I have rightly comprehended our
previous conversations, you Leaplowers profess to have improved not
only on the ancient principles of polity, but on the social condition
generally.”

“We will talk of this during the passage homewards, Sir John
Goldencalf; but, by your leave, I will take a share in the investment
in ‘Opinions on the State of Society and Manners in Leaplow,’
especially if they treat at large on the deformities of the government,
while they allow us to be genteel. This is the true notch—some of these
goods have been condemned because the manufacturers hadn’t sufficient
skill in dyeing.”

“You shall have a share, brigadier. Harkee, Mr. Broker; I take it these
said opinions come from some very well-known and approved manufactory?”

“All sorts, sir. Some good, and some good for nothing—everything sells,
’owever. I never was in Leaplow, but we says over ’ere, that the
Leaplowers eat, and drink, and sleep on our opinions. Lord, sir, it
would really do your heart good to see the stuff, in these harticles,
that they does take from us without higgling!”

“I presume, brigadier, that you use them as an amusement—as a means to
pass a pleasant hour, of an evening—a sort of moral segar?”

“No, sir,” put in the broker, “they doesn’t smoke ’em, my word on’t, or
they wouldn’t buy ’em in such lots!”

I now thought enough had been laid in on my own account, and I turned
to see what the captain was about. He was higgling for a bale marked
“Opinions on the Lost Condition of the Monikin Soul.” A little curious
to know why he had made this selection, I led him aside, and frankly
put the question.

“Why, to own the truth, Sir John,” he said, “religion is an article
that sells in every market, in some shape or other. Now, we are all in
the dark about the Leaplow tastes and usages, for I always suspect a
native of the country to which I am bound, on such a p’int; and if the
things shouldn’t sell there, they’ll at least do at Stunnin’tun. Miss
Poke alone would use up what there is in that there bale, in a
twelvemonth. To give the woman her due, she’s a desperate consumer of
snuff and religion.”

We had now pretty effectually cleared the shelves, and the cook, who
had come ashore to dispose of his slush, had not yet been able to get
anything.

“Here is a small bale as come FROM Leaplow, and a pinched little thing
it is,” said the broker, laughing; “it don’t take at all, here, and it
might do to go ’ome again—at any rate, you will get the drawback. It is
filled with ‘Distinctive Opinions of the Republic of Leaplow.’” The
cook looked at the brigadier, who appeared to think the speculation
doubtful. Still it was Hobson’s choice; and, after a good deal of
grumbling, the doctor, as Noah always called his cook, consented to
take the “harticle,” at half the prime cost.

Judge People’s Friend now came trotting down to the port, thoroughly en
republican, when we immediately embarked, and in half an hour, Bob was
kicked to Noah’s heart’s content, and the Walrus was fairly under way
for Leaplow.




CHAPTER XXIII.
POLITICAL BOUNDARIES—POLITICAL RIGHTS—POLITICAL SELECTIONS, AND
POLITICAL DISQUISITIONS; WITH POLITICAL RESULTS.


The aquatic mile-stones of the monikin seas have been already
mentioned; but I believe I omitted to say, that there was a line of
demarcation drawn in the water, by means of a similar invention, to
point out the limits of the jurisdiction of each state. Thus, all
within these water-marks was under the laws of Leaphigh; all between
them and those of some other country, was the high seas; and all within
those of the other country, Leaplow for instance, was under the
exclusive jurisdiction of that other country.

With a favorable wind, the Walrus could run to the watermarks in about
half a day; from thence to the water-marks of Leaplow was two days’
sail, and another half day was necessary to reach our haven. As we drew
near the legal frontiers of Leaphigh, several small fast-sailing
schooners were seen hovering just without the jurisdiction of the king,
quite evidently waiting our approach. One boarded us, just as the outer
edge of the spanker-boom got clear of the Leaphigh sovereignty. Judge
People’s Friend rushed to the side of the ship, and before the crew of
the boat could get on deck, he had ascertained that the usual number of
prizes had been put into the little wheel.

A monikin in a bob of a most pronounced character, or which appeared to
have been subjected to the second amputation, being what is called in
Leaplow a bob-upon-bob, now approached, and inquired if there were any
emigrants on board. He was made acquainted with our characters and
objects. When he understood that our stay would most likely be short,
he was evidently a little disappointed.

“Perhaps, gentlemen,” he added, “you may still remain long enough to
make naturalization desirable?”

“It is always agreeable to be at home in foreign countries—but are
there no legal objections?”

“I see none, sir—you have no tails, I believe?”

“None but what are in our trunks. I did not know, however, but the
circumstance of our being of a different species might throw some
obstacles in the way.”

“None in the world, sir. We act on principles much too liberal for so
narrow an objection. You are but little acquainted with the
institutions and policy of our beloved and most happy country, I see,
sir. This is not Leaphigh, nor Leapup, nor Leapdown, nor Leapover, nor
Leapthrough, nor Leapunder; but good old, hearty, liberal, free and
independent, most beloved, happy, and prosperous beyond example,
Leaplow. Species is of no account under our system. We would as soon
naturalize one animal as another, provided it be a republican animal. I
see no deficiency about any of you. All we ask is certain general
principles. You go on two legs—”

“So do turkeys, sir.”

“Very true—but you have no feathers.”

“Neither has a donkey.”

“All very right, gentlemen—you do not bray, however.”

“I will not answer for that,” put in the captain, sending his leg
forwards in a straight line, in a way to raise an outcry in Bob, that
almost upset the Leaplower’s proposition.

“At all events, gentlemen,” he observed, “there is a test that will put
the matter at rest, at once.”

He then desired us, in turn, to pronounce the word “our”—“OUR
liberties”—“OUR country”—“OUR firesides”—“OUR altars,” Whoever
expressed a wish to be naturalized, and could use this word in the
proper manner, and in the proper place, was entitled to be a citizen.
We all did very well but the second mate, who, being a Herefordshire
man, could not, for the life of him, get any nearer to the Doric, in
the latter shibboleth, than “our halters.” Now, it would seem that, in
carrying out a great philanthropic principle in Leaplow, halters had
been proscribed; for, whenever a rogue did anything amiss, it had been
discovered that, instead of punishing him for the offence, the true way
to remedy the evil was to punish the society against which he had
offended. By this ingenious turn, society was naturally made to look
out sharp how it permitted any one to offend it. This excellent idea is
like that of certain Dutchmen, who, when they cut themselves with an
ax, always apply salve and lint to the cruel steel, and leave the wound
to heal as fast as possible.

To return to our examination: we all passed but the second mate, who
hung in his halter, and was pronounced to be incorrigible. Certificates
of naturalization were delivered on the spot, the fees were paid, and
the schooner left us.

That night it blew a gale, and we had no more visitors until the
following morning. As the sun rose, however, we fell in with three
schooners, under the Leaplow flag, all of which seemed bound on errands
of life or death. The first that reached us sent a boat on board, and a
committee of six bob-upon-bobs hurried up our sides, and lost no time
in introducing themselves. I shall give their own account of their
business and characters.

It would seem that they were what is called a “nominating committee” of
the Horizontals, for the City of Bivouac, the port to which we were
bound, where an election was about to take place for members of the
great National Council. Bivouac was entitled to send seven members; and
having nominated themselves, the committee were now in quest of a
seventh candidate to fill the vacancy. In order to secure the
naturalized interests, it had been determined to select as new a comer
as possible. This would also be maintaining the principle of
liberality, in the abstract. For this reason they had been cruising for
a week, as near as the law would allow to the Leaphigh boundaries, and
they were now ready to take any one who would serve.

To this proposition I again objected the difference of species. Here
they all fairly laughed in my face, Brigadier Downright included,
giving me very distinctly to understand that they thought I had very
contracted notions on matters and things, to suppose so trifling an
obstacle could disturb the harmony and unity of a Horizontal vote. They
went for a principle, and the devil himself could not make them swerve
from the pursuit of so sacred an object.

I then candidly admitted that nature had not fitted me, as admirably as
it had fitted my friend the judge, for the throwing of summersets; and
I feared that when the order was given “to go to the right about,” I
might be found no better than a bungler. This staggered them a little;
and I perceived that they looked at each other in doubt.

“But you can, at least, turn round suddenly, at need?” one of them
asked, after a pause.

“Certainly, sir,” I answered, giving ocular evidence that I was no idle
boaster, making a complete gyration on my heels, in very good time.

“Very well!—admirably well!” they all cried in a breath. “The great
political essential is to be able to perform the evolutions in their
essence—the facility with which they are performed being no more than a
personal merit.”

“But, gentlemen, I know little more of your constitution and laws, than
I have learned in a few broken discussions with my fellow-travellers.”

“This is a matter of no moment, sir. Our constitution, unlike that of
Leaphigh, is written down, and he who runs can read; and then we have a
political fugleman in the house, who saves an immense deal of
unnecessary study and reflection to the members. All you will have to
do, will be to watch his movements; and, my life on it, you will go as
well through the manual exercise as the oldest member there.”

“How, sir, do all the members take the manoeuvres from this fugleman?”

“All the Horizontals, sir—the Perpendiculars having a fugleman of their
own.”

“Well, gentlemen, I conceive this to be an affair in which I am no
judge, and I put myself entirely in the hands of my friends.”

This answer met with much commendation, and manifested, as they all
protested, great political capabilities; the statesman who submitted
all to his friends never failing to rise to eminence in Leaplow. The
committee took my name in writing and hastened back to their schooner,
in order to get into port to promulgate the nomination. These persons
were hardly off the deck, before another party came up the opposite
side of the ship. They announced themselves to be a nominating
committee of the Perpendiculars, on exactly the same errand as their
opponents. They, too, wished to propitiate the foreign interests, and
were in search of a proper candidate. Captain Poke had been an
attentive listener to all that occurred during the circumstances that
preceded my nomination; and he now stepped promptly forward, and
declared his readiness to serve. As there was quite as little
squeamishness on one side as on the other, and the Perpendicular
committee, as it owned itself, was greatly pressed for time, the
Horizontals having the start of them, the affair was arranged in five
minutes, and the strangers departed with the name of NOAH POKE, THE
TRIED PATRIOT, THE PROFOUND JURIST, AND THE HONEST MONIKIN, handsomely
placarded on a large board—all but the name having been carefully
prepared in advance.

When the committee were fairly out of the ship, Noah look me aside, and
made his apologies for opposing me in this important election. His
reasons were numerous and ingenious, and, as usual, a little
discursive. They might be summed up as follows: He never had sat in a
parliament, and he was curious to know how it would feel; it would
increase the respect of the ship’s company, to find their commander of
so much account in a strange port; he had had some experience at
Stunnin’tun by reading the newspapers, and he didn’t doubt of his
abilities at all, a circumstance that rarely failed of making a good
legislator; the congressman in his part of the country was some such
man as himself, and what was good for the goose was good for the
gander; he knew Miss Poke would be pleased to hear he had been chosen;
he wondered if he should be called the Honorable Noah Poke, and whether
he should receive eight dollars a day, and mileage from the spot where
the ship then was; the Perpendiculars might count on him, for his word
was as good as his bond; as for the constitution, he had got on under
the constitution at home, and he believed a man who could do that might
get on under any constitution; he didn’t intend to say a great deal in
parliament, but what he did say he hoped might be recorded for the use
of his children; together with a great deal more of the same sort of
argumentation and apology.

The third schooner now brought us to. This vessel sent another
committee, who announced themselves to be the representatives of a
party that was termed the Tangents. They were not numerous, but
sufficiently so to hold the balance whenever the Horizontals and the
Perpendiculars crossed each other directly at right angles, as was the
case at present; and they had now determined to run a single candidate
of their own. They, too, wished to fortify themselves by the foreign
interest, as was natural, and had come out in quest of a proper person.
I suggested the first mate; but against this Noah protested, declaring
that come what would, the ship must on no account be deserted. Time
pressed; and, while the captain and the subordinate were hotly
disputing the propriety of permitting the latter to serve, Bob, who had
already tasted the sweets of political importance, in his assumed
character of prince-royal, stepped slyly up to the committee, and gave
in his name. Noah was too much occupied to discover this well-managed
movement; and by the time he had sworn to throw the mate overboard if
he did not instantly relinquish all ambitious projects of this nature,
he found that the Tangents were off. Supposing they had gone to some
other vessel, the captain allowed himself to be soothed, and all went
on smoothly again.

From this time until we anchored in the bay of Bivouac, the
tranquillity and discipline of the Walrus were undisturbed. I improved
the occasion to study the constitution of Leaplow, of which the judge
had a copy, and to glean such information from my companions as I
believed might be useful in my future career. I thought how pleasant it
would be for a foreigner to teach the Leaplowers their own laws, and to
explain to them the application of their own principles! Little,
however, was to be got from the judge, who was just then too much
occupied with some calculations concerning the chances of the little
wheel, with which he had been furnished by a leading man of one of the
nominating committees.

I now questioned the brigadier touching that peculiar usage of his
country which rendered Leaphigh opinions concerning the Leaplow
institutions, society, and manners of so much value in the market of
the latter. To this I got but an indifferent answer, except it was to
say, that his countrymen, having cleared the interests connected with
the subjects from the rubbish of time, and set everything at work, on
the philosophical basis of reason and common sense, were exceedingly
desirous of knowing what other people thought of the success of the
experiment.

“I expect to see a nation of sages, I can assure you, brigadier; one in
which even the very children are profoundly instructed in the great
truths of your system; and, as to the monikinas, I am not without dread
of bringing my theoretical ignorance in collision with their great
practical knowledge of the principles of your government.”

“They are early fed on political pap.”

“No doubt, sir, no doubt. How different must they be from the females
of other countries! Deeply imbued with the great distinctive principles
of your system, devoted to the education of their children in the same
sublime truths, and indefatigable in their discrimination, among the
meanest of their households!”

“Hum!”

“Now, sir, even in England, a country which I trust is not the most
debased on earth, you will find women, beautiful, intellectual,
accomplished and patriotic, who limit their knowledge of these
fundamental points to a zeal for a clique, and the whole of whose
eloquence on great national questions is bounded by a few heartfelt
wishes for the downfall of their opponents;—”

“It is very much so at Stunnin’tun, too, if truth must be spoken,”
remarked Noah, who had been a listener.

“Who, instead of instructing the young suckers that cling to their
sides in just notions of general social distinctions, nurture their
young antipathies with pettish philippics against some luckless chief
of the adverse party;—”

“Tis pretty much the same at Stunnin’tun, as I live!”

“Who rarely study the great lessons of history in order to point out to
the future statesmen and heroes of the empire the beacons of crime, the
incentives for public virtue, or the charters of their liberties; but
who are indefatigable in echoing the cry of the hour, however false or
vulgar, and who humanize their attentive offspring by softly expressed
wishes that Mr. Canning, or some other frustrator of the designs of
their friends, were fairly hanged!”

“Stunnin’tun, all over!”

“Beings that are angels in form—soft, gentle, refined, and tearful as
the evening with its dews, when there is a question of humanity or
suffering; but who seem strangely transformed into she-tigers, whenever
any but those of whom they can approve attain to power; and who,
instead of entwining their soft arms around their husbands and
brothers, to restrain them from the hot strife of opinions, cheer them
on by their encouragement and throw dirt with the volubility and wit of
fish-women.”

“Miss Poke, to the backbone!”

“In short, sir, I expect to see an entirely different state of things
at Leaplow. There, when a political adversary is bespattered with mud,
your gentle monikinas, doubtless, appease anger by mild soothings of
philosophy, tempering zeal by wisdom, and regulating error by apt and
unanswerable quotations from that great charter which is based on the
eternal and immutable principles of right.”

“Well, Sir John, if you speak in this elocutionary manner in the
house,” cried the delighted Noah, “I shall be shy of answering. I
doubt, now, if the brigadier himself could repeat all you have just
said.”

“I have forgotten to inquire, Mr. Downright, a little about your
Leaplow constituency. The suffrage is, beyond question, confined to
those members of society who possess a ‘social stake.’”

“Certainly, Sir John, They who live and breathe.”

“Surely none vote but those who possess the money, and houses, and
lands of the country?”

“Sir, you are altogether in error; all vote who possess ears, and eyes,
and noses, and bobs, and lives, and hopes, and wishes, and feelings,
and wants. Wants we conceive to be a much truer test of political
fidelity, than possessions.”

“This is novel doctrine, indeed! but it is in direct hostility to the
social-stake system.”

“You were never more right, Sir John, as respects your own theory, or
never more wrong as respects the truth. In Leaplow we contend—and
contend justly—that there is no broader or bolder fallacy than to say
that a representation of mere effects, whether in houses, lands,
merchandise, or money, is a security for a good government. Property is
affected by measures; and the more a monikin has, the greater is the
bribe to induce him to consult his own interests, although it should be
at the expense of those of everybody else.”

“But, sir, the interest of the community is composed of the aggregate
of these interests.”

“Your pardon, Sir John; nothing is composed of it, but the aggregate of
the interests of a class. If your government is instituted for their
benefit only, your social-stake system is all well enough; but if the
object be the general good, you have no choice but to trust its custody
to the general keeping. Let us suppose two men—since you happen to be a
man, and not a monikin—let us suppose two men perfectly equal in
morals, intelligence, public virtue and patriotism, one of whom shall
be rich and the other shall have nothing. A crisis arrives in the
affairs of their common country, and both are called upon to exercise
their franchise, on a question—as almost all great questions must—that
unavoidably will have some influence on property generally. Which would
give the most impartial vote—he who, of necessity, must be swayed by
his personal interest, or he who has no inducement of the sort to go
astray?”

“Certainly he who has nothing to influence him to go wrong. But the
question is not fairly put—”

“Your pardon, Sir John—it is put fairly as an abstract question, and
one that is to prove a principle. I am glad to hear you say that a man
would be apt to decide in this manner; for it shows his identity with a
monikin. We hold that all of us are apt to think most of ourselves on
such occasions.”

“My dear brigadier, do not mistake sophistry for reason. Surely, if
power belonged only to the poor—and the poor, or the comparatively
poor, always compose the mass—they would exercise it in a way to strip
the rich of their possessions.”

“We think not, in Leaplow. Cases might exist, in which such a state of
things would occur under a reaction; but reactions imply abuses, and
are not to be quoted to maintain a principle. He who was drunk
yesterday, may need an unnatural stimulus to-day; while he who is
uniformly temperate preserves his proper tone of body without recourse
to a remedy so dangerous. Such an experiment, under a strong
provocation, might possibly be made; but it could scarcely be made
twice among any people, and not even once among a people that submits
in season to a just division of its authority, since it is obviously
destructive of a leading principle of civilization. According to our
monikin histories, all the attacks upon property have been produced by
property’s grasping at more than fairly belongs to its immunities. If
you make political power a concomitant of property, both may go
together, certainly; but if kept separate, the danger to the latter
will never exceed the danger in which it is put daily by the arts of
the money-getters, who are, in truth, the greatest foes of property, as
it belongs to others.”

I remembered Sir Joseph Job, and could not but admit that the brigadier
had, at least, some truth on his side.

“But do you deny that the sentiment of property elevates the mind,
ennobles, and purifies?”

“Sir, I do not pretend to determine what may be the fact among men, but
we hold among monikins, that ‘the love of money is the root of all
evil.’”

“How, sir, do you account the education which is a consequence of
property as nothing?”

“If you mean, my dear Sir John, that which property is most apt to
teach, we hold it to be selfishness; but if you mean that he who has
money, as a rule, will also have in formation to guide him aright, I
must answer, that experience, which is worth a thousand theories, tells
us differently. We find that on questions which are purely between
those who have, and those who have not, the HAVES are commonly united,
and we think this would be the fact if they were as unschooled as
bears; but on all other questions, they certainly do great discredit to
education, unless you admit that there are in every case TWO rights;
for, with us, the most highly educated generally take the two extremes
of every argument. I state this to be the fact with monikins, you will
remember—doubtless, educated men agree much better.”

“But, my good brigadier, if your position about the greater
impartiality and independence of the elector who is not influenced by
his private interests be true, a country would do well to submit its
elections to a body of foreign umpires.”

“It would indeed, Sir John, if it were certain these foreign umpires
would not abuse the power to their own particular advantage, if they
could have the feelings and sentiments which ennoble and purify a
nation far more than money, and if it were possible they could
thoroughly understand the character, habits, wants, and resources of
another people. As things are, therefore, we believe it is wisest to
trust our own elections to ourselves—not to a portion of ourselves, but
to all of ourselves.”

“Immigrants included,” put in the captain.

“Why, we do carry the principle well out in the case of gentlemen like
yourselves,” returned the brigadier, politely, “but liberality is a
virtue. As a principle, Sir John, your idea of referring the choice of
our representatives to strangers has more merit than you probably
imagine, though, certainly, impracticable, for the reasons already
given. When we seek justice, we commonly look out for some impartial
judge. Such a judge is unattainable, however, in the matter of the
interests of a state, for the simple reason that power of this sort,
permanently wielded, would be perverted on a principle which, after a
most scrupulous analysis, we have been compelled to admit is
incorporated with the very monikin nature—viz., selfishness. I make no
manner of doubt that you men, however, are altogether superior to an
influence so unworthy?”

Here I could only borrow the use of the brigadier’s “Hum!”

“Having ascertained that it would not do to submit the control of our
affairs to utter strangers, or to those whose interests are not
identified with our own, we set about seeing what could be done with a
selection from among ourselves. Here we were again met by that same
obstinate principle of selfishness; and we were finally driven to take
shelter in the experiment of intrusting the interests of all to the
management of all.”

“And, sir, are these the opinions of Leaphigh?”

“Very far from it. The difference between Leaphigh and Leaplow is just
this: the Leaphighers, being an ancient people, with a thousand vested
interests, are induced, as time improves the mind, to seek reasons for
their facts; while we Leaplowers, being unshackled by any such
restraints, have been able to make an effort to form our facts on our
reasons.”

“Why do you, then, so much prize Leaphigh opinions on Leaplow facts?”

“Why does every little monikin believe his own father and mother to be
just the two wisest, best, most virtuous, and discreetest old monikins
in the whole world, until time, opportunity, and experience show him
his error?”

“Do you make no exceptions, then, in your franchise, but admit every
citizen who, as you say, has a nose, ears, bob, and wants, to the
exercise of the suffrage?”

“Perhaps we are less scrupulous on this head than we ought to be, since
we do not make ignorance and want of character bars to the privilege.
Qualifications beyond mere birth and existence may be useful, but they
are badly chosen when they are brought to the test of purely material
possessions. This practice has arisen in the world from the fact that
they who had property had power, and not because they ought to have
it.”

“My dear brigadier, this is flying in the face of all experience.”

“For the reason just given, and because all experience has hitherto
commenced at the wrong end. Society should be constructed as you erect
a house; not from the roof down, but from the foundation upwards.”

“Admitting, however, that your house has been badly constructed at
first, in repairing it, would you tear away the walls at random, at the
risk of bringing all down about your ears?”

“I would first see that sufficient props were reared, and then proceed
with vigor, though always with caution. Courage in such an experiment
is less to be dreaded than timidity. Half the evils of life, social,
personal and political, are as much the effects of moral cowardice as
of fraud.”

I then told the brigadier, that as his countrymen rejected the
inducements of property in the selection of the political base of their
social compact, I expected to find a capital substitute in virtue.

“I have always heard that virtue is the great essential of a free
people, and doubtless you Leaplowers are perfect models in this
important particular?”

The brigadier smiled before he answered me, first looking about to the
right and left, as if to regale himself with the odor of perfection.

“Many theories have been broached on these subjects,” he replied, “in
which there has been some confusion between cause and effect. Virtue is
no more a cause of freedom, except as it is connected with
intelligence, than vice is a cause of slavery. Both may be
consequences, but it is not easy to say how either is necessarily a
cause. There is a homely saying among us monikins, which is quite to
the point in this matter: ‘Set a rogue to catch a rogue.’ Now, the
essence of a free government is to be found in the responsibility of
its agents. He who governs without responsibility is a master, while he
who discharges the duties of a functionary under a practical
responsibility is a servant. This is the only true test of governments,
let them be mystified as they may in other respects. Responsibility to
the mass of the nation is the criterion of freedom. Now responsibility
is the SUBSTITUTE for virtue in a politician, as discipline is the
substitute for courage in a soldier. An army of brave monikins without
discipline, would be very apt to be worsted by an army of monikins of
less natural spirit, with discipline. So a corps of originally virtuous
politicians, without responsibility, would be very apt to do more
selfish, lawless, and profligate acts, than a corps of less virtue, who
were kept rigidly under the rod of responsibility. Unrestrained power
is a great corrupter of virtue, of itself; while the liabilities of a
restrained authority are very apt to keep it in check. At least, such
is the fact with us monikins—men very possibly get along better.”

“Let me tell you, Mr. Downright, you are now uttering opinions that are
diametrically opposed to those of the world, which considers virtue an
indispensable ingredient in a republic.”

“The world—meaning always the monikin world—knows very little about
real political liberty, except as a theory. We of Leaplow are, in
effect, the only people who have had much to do with it, and I am now
telling you what is the result of my own observation, in my own
country. If monikins were purely virtuous, there would be no necessity
for government at all; but, being what they are, we think it wisest to
set them to watch each other.”

“But yours is self-government, which implies self-restraint; and
self-restraint is but another word for virtue.”

“If the merit of our system depended on self-government, in your
signification, or on self-restraint, in any signification, it would not
be worth the trouble of this argument, Sir John Goldencalf. This is one
of those balmy fallacies with which ill-judging moralists endeavor to
stimulate monikins to good deeds. Our government is based on a directly
opposite principle; that of watching and restraining each other,
instead of trusting to our ability to restrain ourselves. It is the
want of responsibility, and not of constant and active presence, which
infers virtue and self-control. No one would willingly lay legal
restraints on himself in anything, while all are very happy to restrain
their neighbors. This refers to the positive and necessary rules of
intercourse, and the establishment of rights; as to mere morality, laws
do very little towards enforcing its ordinances. Morals usually come of
instruction; and when all have political power, instruction is a
security that all desire.”

“But when all vote, all may wish to abuse their trust to their own
especial advantage, and a political chaos will be the consequence.”

“Such a result is impossible, except as especial advantage is
identified with general advantage. A community can no more buy itself
in this manner, than a monikin can eat himself, let him be as ravenous
as he will. Admitting that all are rogues, necessity would compel a
compromise.”

“You make out a plausible theory, and I have little doubt that I shall
find you the wisest, the most logical, the discreetest, and the most
consistent community I have yet visited. But another word: how is it
that our friend the judge gave such equivocal instructions to his
charge; and why, in particular, did he lay so much stress on the
employment of means, which gave the lie flatly to all you have told
me?”

Brigadier Downright hereupon stroked his chin, and observed that he
thought there might possibly be a shift of wind; and he also wondered
(quite audibly), when we should make the land. I afterwards persuaded
him to allow that a monikin was but a monikin, after all, whether he
had the advantages of universal suffrage, or lived under a despot.




CHAPTER XXIV.
AN ARRIVAL—AN ELECTION—ARCHITECTURE—A ROLLING-PIN, AND PATRIOTISM OF
THE MOST APPROVED WATER.


In due time the coast of Leaplow made its appearance, close under our
larboard bow. So sudden was our arrival in this novel and extraordinary
country, that we were very near running on it, before we got a glimpse
of its shores. The seamanship of Captain Poke, however, stood us in
hand; and, by the aid of a very clever pilot, we were soon safely
moored in the harbor of Bivouac. In this happy land, there was no
registration, no passports, “no nothin’”—as Mr. Poke pointedly
expressed it. The formalities were soon observed, although I had
occasion to remark, how much easier, after all, it is to get along in
this world with vice than with virtue. A bribe offered to a
custom-house officer was refused; and the only trouble I had, on the
occasion, arose from this awkward obtrusion of a conscience. However,
the difficulty was overcome, though not quite as easily as if douceurs
had happened to be in fashion; and we were permitted to land with all
our necessary effects.

The city of Bivouac presented a singular aspect as I first put foot
within its hallowed streets. The houses were all covered with large
placards, which, at first, I took to be lists of the wares to be
vended, for the place is notoriously commercial; but which, on
examination, I soon discovered were merely electioneering handbills.
The reader will figure to himself my pleasure and surprise, on reading
the first that offered. It ran as follows:

“HORIZONTAL NOMINATION.

“Horizontal-Systematic-Indoctrinated-Republicans: Attention!

“Your sacred rights are in danger; your dearest liberties are menaced;
your wives and children are on the point of dissolution; the infamous
and unconstitutional position that the sun gives light by day, and the
moon by night, is openly and impudently propagated, and now is the only
occasion that will probably ever offer to arrest an error so pregnant
with deception and domestic evils. We present to your notice a suitable
defender of all those near and dear interests, in the person of,

“JOHN GOLDENCALF,

“the known patriot, the approved legislator, the profound philosopher,
the incorruptible statesman. To our adopted fellow-citizens we need not
recommend Mr. Goldencalf, for he is truly one of themselves; to the
native citizens we will only say, ‘Try him, and you will be more than
satisfied.’”

I found this placard of great use, for it gave me the first information
I had yet had of the duty I was expected to perform in the coming
session of the great council; which was merely to demonstrate that the
moon gave light by day, and that the sun gave light by night. Of
course, I immediately set about, in my own mind, hunting up the proper
arguments by which this grave political hypothesis was to be properly
maintained. The next placard was in favor of,

“NOAH POKE,”

“the experienced navigator, who will conduct the ship of state into the
haven of prosperity—the practical astronomer who knows by frequent
observations, that lunars are not to be got in the dark.”

“Perpendiculars, be plumb, and lay your enemies on their backs!”

After this I fell in with—

“THE HONORABLE ROBERT SMUT,”

“is confidently recommended to all their fellow-citizens by the
nominating committee of the Anti-Approved-Sublimated-Politico-Tangents,
as the real gentleman, a ripe scholar, [Footnote: I afterwards found
this was a common phrase in Leaplow, being uniformly applied to every
monikin who wore spectacles.] an enlightened politician, and a sound
Democrat.”

“But I should fill the manuscript with nothing else, were I to record a
tithe of the commendations and abuse that were heaped on us all, by a
community to whom, as yet, we were absolutely strangers. A single
sample of the latter will suffice.”

“AFFIDAVIT.”

“Personally appeared before me, John Equity, justice of the peace,
Peter Veracious, etc., etc., who, being duly sworn upon the Holy
Evangelists, doth depose and say, viz.: That he was intimately
acquainted with one John Goldencalf in his native country, and that he
is personally knowing to the fact that he, the said John Goldencalf,
has three wives, seven illegitimate children, is moreover a bankrupt
without character, and that he was obliged to emigrate in consequence
of having stolen a sheep.”

“Sworn, etc.”

“(Signed,) PETER VERACIOUS.”

I naturally felt a little indignant at this impudent statement, and was
about to call upon the first passer-by for the address of Mr.
Veracious, when the skirts of my skin were seized by one of the
Horizontal nominating committee, and I was covered with congratulations
on my being happily elected. Success is an admirable plaster for all
wounds, and I really forgot to have the affair of the sheep and of the
illegitimate children inquired into; although I still protest, that had
fortune been less propitious, the rascal who promulgated this calumny
would have been made to smart for his temerity. In less than five
minutes it was the turn of Captain Poke. He, too, was congratulated in
due form; for, as it appeared, the “immigrant interest,” as Noah termed
it, had actually carried a candidate on each of the two great opposing
tickets. Thus far, all was well; for, after sharing his mess so long, I
had not the smallest objection to sit in the Leaplow parliament with
the worthy sealer; but our mutual surprise, and I believe I might add,
indignation, were a good deal excited, by shortly encountering a
walking notice, which contained a programme of the proceedings to be
observed at the “Reception of the Honorable Robert Smut.”

It would seem that the Horizontals and the Perpendiculars had made so
many spurious and mystified ballots, in order to propitiate the
Tangents, and to cheat each other, that this young blackguard actually
stood at the head of the poll!—a political phenomenon, as I
subsequently discovered, however, by no means of rare occurrence in the
Leaplow history of the periodical selection of the wisest and best.

There was certainly an accumulation of interest on arriving in a
strange land, to find one’s self both extolled and vituperated on most
of the corners in its capital, and to be elected to its parliament, all
in the same day. Still, I did not permit myself to be either so much
elated or so much depressed, as not to have all my eyes about me, in
order to get as correctly as possible, and as quickly as possible, some
insight into the characters, tastes, habits, wishes, and wants of my
constituents.

I have already declared that it is my intention to dwell chiefly on the
moral excellences and peculiarities of the people of the monikin world.
Still I could not walk through the streets of Bivouac without observing
a few physical usages, that I shall mention, because they have an
evident connection with the state of society, and the historical
recollections of this interesting portion of the polar region.

In the first place, I remarked that all sorts of quadrupeds are just as
much at home in the promenades of the town, as the inhabitants
themselves, a fact that I make no doubt has some very proper connection
with that principle of equal rights on which the institutions of the
country are established. In the second place, I could not but see that
their dwellings are constructed on the very minimum of base, propping
each other, as emblematic of the mutual support obtained by the
republican system, and seeking their development in height for the want
of breadth; a singularity of customs that I did not hesitate at once to
refer to a usage of living in trees, at an epoch not very remote. In
the third place, I noted, instead of entering their dwellings near the
ground like men, and indeed like most other unfledged animals, that
they ascend by means of external steps to an aperture about half-way
between the roof and the earth, where, having obtained admission, they
go up or down within the building, as occasion requires. This usage, I
made no question, was preserved from the period (and that, too, no
distant one), when the savage condition of the country induced them to
seek protection against the ravages of wild beasts, by having recourse
to ladders, which were drawn up after the family into the top of the
tree, as the sun sank beneath the horizon. These steps or ladders are
generally of some white material, in order that they may, even now, be
found in the dark, should the danger be urgent; although I do not know
that Bivouac is a more disorderly or unsafe town than another, in the
present day. But habits linger in the usages of a people, and are often
found to exist as fashions, long after the motive of their origin has
ceased and been forgotten. As a proof of this, many of the dwellings of
Bivouac have still enormous iron chevaux-de-frise before the doors, and
near the base of the stone-ladders; a practice unquestionably taken
from the original, unsophisticated, domestic defences of this wary and
enterprising race. Among a great many of these chevaux-de-frise, I
remarked certain iron images, that resemble the kings of chess-men, and
which I took, at first, to be symbols of the calculating qualities of
the owners of the mansions—a species of republican heraldry—but which
the brigadier told me, on inquiry, were no more than a fashion that had
descended from the custom of having stuffed images before the doors, in
the early days of the settlement, to frighten away the beasts at night,
precisely as we station scarecrows in a corn-field. Two of these
well-padded sentinels, with a stick stuck up in a fire-lock attitude,
he assured me, had often been known to maintain a siege of a week,
against a she-bear and a numerous family of hungry cubs, in the olden
times; and, now that the danger was gone, he presumed the families
which had caused these iron monuments to be erected, had done so to
record some marvellous risks of this nature, from which their
forefathers had escaped by means of so ingenious an expedient.

Everything in Bivouac bears the impress of the sublime principle of the
institutions. The houses of the private citizens, for instance, overtop
the roofs of all the public edifices, to show that the public is merely
a servant of the citizen. Even the churches have this peculiarity,
proving that the road to heaven is not independent of the popular will.
The great Hall of Justice, an edifice of which the Bivouackers are
exceedingly proud, is constructed in the same recumbent style, the
architect, with a view to protect himself from the imputation of
believing that the firmament was within reach of his hand, having taken
the precaution to run up a wooden finger-board from the centre of the
building, which points to the place where, according to the notions of
all other people, the ridge of the roof itself should have been raised.
So very apparent was this peculiarity, Noah observed, that it seemed to
him as if the whole “’arth” had been rolled down by a great political
rolling-pin, by way of giving the country its finishing touch.

While making these remarks, one drew near at a brisk trot, who, Mr.
Downright observed, eagerly desired our acquaintance. Surprised at his
pretending to know such a fact without any previous communication, I
took the liberty of asking why he thought that we were the particular
objects of the other’s haste.

“Simply because you are fresh arrivals. This person is one of a
sufficiently numerous class among us, who, devoured by a small
ambition, seek notoriety—which, by the way, they are near obtaining in
more respects than they probably desire—by obtruding themselves on
every stranger who touches our shore. Theirs is not a generous and
frank hospitality that would fain serve others, but an irritable vanity
that would glorify themselves. The liberal and enlightened monikin is
easily to be distinguished from all of this clique. He is neither
ashamed of, nor bigoted in favor of any usages, simply because they are
domestic. With him the criterions of merit are propriety, taste,
expediency, and fitness. He distinguishes, while these crave; he
neither wholly rejects, nor wholly lives by, imitation, but judges for
himself, and uses his experience as a respectable and useful guide;
while these think that all they can attain that is beyond the reach of
their neighbors, is, as a matter of course, the sole aim of life.
Strangers they seek, because they have long since decreed that this
country, with its usages, its people, and all it contains, being
founded on popular rights, is all that is debased and vulgar,
themselves and a few of their own particular friends excepted; and they
are never so happy as when they are gloating on, and basking in, the
secondary refinements of what we call the ‘old region.’ Their own
attainments, however, being pretty much godsends, or such as we all
pick up in our daily intercourse, they know nothing of any foreign
country but Leaphigh, whose language we happen to speak; and, as
Leaphigh is also the very beau ideal of exclusion, in its usages,
opinions, and laws, they deem all who come from that part of the earth,
as rather more entitled to their profound homage than any other
strangers.”

Here Judge People’s Friend, who had been vigorously pumping the
nominating committee on the subject of the chances of the little wheel,
suddenly left us, with a sneaking, self-abased air, and with his nose
to the ground, like a dog who has just caught a fresh scent.

The next time we met with the ex-envoy, he was in mourning for some
political backsliding that I never comprehended. He had submitted to a
fresh amputation of the bob, and had so thoroughly humbled the seat of
reason, that it was not possible for the most envious and malignant
disposition to fancy he had a particle of brains left. He had,
moreover, caused every hair to be shaved off his body, which was as
naked as the hand, and altogether he presented an edifying picture of
penitence and self-abasement. I afterwards understood that this
purification was considered perfectly satisfactory, and that he was
thought to be, again, within the limits of the most patriotic patriots.

In the meantime the Bivouacker had approached me, and was introduced as
Mr. Gilded Wriggle.

“Count Poke de Stunnin’tun, my good sir,” said the brigadier, who was
the master of ceremonies on this occasion, “and the Mogul
Goldencalf—both noblemen of ancient lineage, admirable privileges, and
of the purest water; gentlemen who, when they are at home, have six
dinners daily, always sleep on diamonds, and whose castles are none of
them less than six leagues in extent.”

“My friend General Downright has taken too much pains, gentlemen,”
interrupted our new acquaintance, “your rank and extraction being
self-evident. Welcome to Leaplow! I beg you will make free with my
house, my dog, my cat, my horse, and myself. I particularly beg that
your first, your last, and all the intermediate visits, will be to me.
Well, Mogul, what do you really think of us? You have now been on shore
long enough to have formed a pretty accurate notion of our institutions
and habits. I beg you will not judge of all of us by what you see in
the streets—”

“It is not my intention, sir.”

“You are cautious, I perceive? We are in an awful condition, I confess;
trampled on by the vulgar, and far—very far from being the people that,
I dare say, you expected to see. I couldn’t be made the assistant
alderman of my ward, if I wished it, sir—too much jacobism; the people
are fools, sir; know nothing, sir; not fit to rule themselves, much
less their betters, sir. Here have a set of us, some hundreds in this
very town, been telling them what fools they are, how unfit they are to
manage their own affairs, and how fast they are going to the devil, any
time these twenty years, and still we have not yet persuaded them to
entrust one of us with authority! To say the truth, we are in a most
miserable condition, and, if anything COULD ruin this country,
democracy would have ruined it just thirty-five years ago.”

Here the wailings of Mr. Wriggle were interrupted by the wailings of
Count Poke de Stunnin’tun. The latter, by gazing in admiration at the
speaker, had inadvertently struck his toe against one of the
forty-three thousand seven hundred and sixty inequalities of the
pavement (for everything in Leaplow is exactly equal, except the
streets and highways), and fallen forwards on his nose. I have already
had occasion to allude to the sealer’s readiness in using opprobrious
epithets. This contre-temps happened in the principal street of
Bivouac, or in what is called the Wide-path, an avenue of more than a
league in extent; but notwithstanding its great length, Noah took it up
at one end and abused it all the way to the other, with a precision,
fidelity, rapidity and point, that excited general admiration. “It was
the dirtiest, worst paved, meanest, vilest, street he had ever seen,
and if they had it at Stunnin’tun, instead of using it as a street at
all, they would fence it up at each end, and turn it into a hog-lot.”
Here Brigadier Downright betrayed unequivocal signs of alarm. Drawing
us aside, he vehemently demanded of the captain if he were mad, to
berate in this unheard-of manner the touchstone of Bivouac sentiment,
nationality, taste, and elegance! This street was never spoken of
except by the use of superlatives; a usage, by the way, that Noah
himself had by no means neglected. It was commonly thought to be the
longest and the shortest, the widest and the narrowest, the best built
and the worst built avenue in the universe. “Whatever you say or do,”
he continued, “whatever you think or believe, never deny the
superlatives of the Wide-path. If asked if you ever saw a street so
crowded, although there be room to wheel a regiment, swear it is
stifling; if required to name another promenade so free from
interruption, protest, by your soul, that the place is a desert! Say
what you will of the institutions of the country—”

“How!” I exclaimed; “of the sacred rights of monikins?”

“Bedaub them, and the mass of the monikins, too, with just as much
filth as you please. Indeed, if you wish to circulate freely in genteel
society, I would advise you to get a pretty free use of the words,
‘jacobins,’ ‘rabble,’ ‘mob,’ ‘agrarians,’ ‘canaille’ and ‘democrats’;
for they recommend many to notice who possess nothing else. In our
happy and independent country it is a sure sign of lofty sentiment, a
finished education, a regulated intellect, and a genteel intercourse,
to know how to bespatter all that portion of your fellow-creatures, for
instance, who live in one-story edifices.”

“I find all this very extraordinary, your government being professedly
a government of the mass!”

“You have intuitively discovered the reason—is it not fashionable to
abuse the government everywhere? Whatever you do, in genteel life,
ought to be based on liberal and elevated principles; and therefore,
abuse all that is animate in Leaplow, the present company, with their
relatives and quadrupeds, excepted; but do not raise your blaspheming
tongue against anything that is inanimate! Respect, I entreat of you,
the houses, the trees, the rivers, the mountains, and, above all, in
Bivouac, respect the Wide-path! We are a people of lively
sensibilities, and are tender of the reputations of even our stocks and
stones. Even the Leaplow philosophers are all of a mind on this
subject.”

“King!”

“Can you account for this very extraordinary peculiarity, brigadier?”

“Surely you cannot be ignorant that all which is property is sacred! We
have a great respect for property, sir, and do not like to hear our
wares underrated. But lay it on the mass so much the harder, and you
will only be thought to be in possession of a superior and a refined
intelligence.”

Here we turned again to Mr. Wriggle, who was dying to be noticed once
more.

“Ah! gentlemen, last from Leaphigh!”—he had been questioning one of our
attendants—“how comes on that great and consistent people?”

“As usual, sir;—great and consistent.”

“I think, however, we are quite their equals, eh?—chips of the same
blocks?”

“No, sir—blocks of the same chips.”

Mr. Wriggle laughed, and appeared pleased with the compliment; and I
wished I had even laid it on a little thicker.

“Well, Mogul, what are our great forefathers about? Still pulling to
pieces that sublime fabric of a constitution, which has so long been
the wonder of the world, and my especial admiration?”

“They are talking of changes, sir, although I believe they have
effected no great matter. The primate of all Leaphigh, I had occasion
to remark, still has seven joints to his tail.”

“Ah! they are a wonderful people, sir!” said Wriggle, looking ruefully
at his own bob, which, as I afterwards understood, was a mere natural
abortion. “I detest change, sir; were I a Leaphigher, I would die in my
tail!”

“One for whom nature has done so much in this way, is to be excused a
little enthusiasm.”

“A most miraculous people, sir—the wonder of the world—and their
institutions are the greatest prodigy of the times!”

“That is well remarked, Wriggle,” put in the brigadier; “for they have
been tinkering them, and altering them, any time these five hundred and
fifty years, and still they remain precisely the same!”

“Very true, brigadier, very true—the marvel of our times! But,
gentlemen, what do you indeed think of us? I shall not let you off with
generalities. You have now been long enough on shore to have formed
some pretty distinct notions about us, and I confess I should be glad
to hear them. Speak the truth with candor—are we not most miserable,
forlorn, disreputable devils, after all?”

I disclaimed the ability to judge of the social condition of a people
on so short an acquaintance; but to this Mr. Wriggle would not listen.
He insisted that I must have been particularly disgusted with the
coarseness and want of refinement in the rabble, as he called the mass,
who, by the way, had already struck me as being relatively much the
better part of the population, so far as I had seen things—more than
commonly decent, quiet, and civil. Mr. Wriggle, also, very earnestly
and piteously begged I would not judge of the whole country by such
samples as I might happen to fall in with in the highways.

“I trust, Mogul, you will have charity to believe we are not all of us
quite so bad as appearances, no doubt, make us in your polished eyes.
These rude beings are spoiled by our jacobinical laws; but we have a
class, sir, that IS different. But, if you will not touch on the
people, how do you like the town, sir? A poor place, no doubt, after
your own ancient capitals?”

“Time will remedy all that, Mr. Wriggle.”

“Do you then think we really want time? Now, that house at the corner,
there, to my taste is fit for a gentleman in any country—eh?”

“No doubt, sir, fit for one.”

“This is but a poor street in the eyes of you travellers, I know, this
Wide-path of ours; though we think it rather sublime?”

“You do yourself injustice, Mr. Wriggle; though not equal to many of
the—-”

“How, sir, the Wide-path not equal to anything on earth! I know several
people who have been in the old world [so the Leaplowers call the
regions of Leaphigh, Leapup, Leapdown, etc.] and they swear there is
not as fine a street in any part of it. I have not had the good fortune
to travel, sir; but, sir, permit me, sir, to say, sir, that some of
them, sir, that HAVE travelled, sir, think, sir, the Wide-path, the
most magnificent public avenue, sir, that their experienced eyes ever
beheld, sir—yes, sir, that their very experienced eyes ever beheld,
sir.”

“I have seen so little of it, as yet, Mr. Wriggle, that you will pardon
me if I have spoken hastily.”

“Oh! no offence—I despise the monikin who is not above local vanities
and provincial admiration! You ought to have seen that, sir, for I
frankly admit, sir, that no rabble can be worse than ours, and that we
are all going to the devil, as fast as ever we can. No, sir, a most
miserable rabble, sir.—But as for this street, and our houses, and our
cats, and our dogs, and certain exceptions—you understand me, sir—it is
quite a different thing. Pray, Mogul, who is the greatest personage,
now, in your nation?”

“Perhaps I ought to say the Duke of Wellington, sir.”

“Well, sir, allow me to ask if he lives in a better house than that
before us?—I see you are delighted, eh? We are a poor, new nation of
pitiful traders, sir, half savage, as everybody knows; but we DO
flatter ourselves that we know how to build a house! Will you just step
in and see a new sofa that its owner bought only yesterday—I know him
intimately, and nothing gives me so much pleasure as to show his new
sofa.”

I declined the invitation on the plea of fatigue, and by this means got
rid of so troublesome an acquaintance. On leaving me, however, he
begged that I would not fail to make his house my home, swore terribly
at the rabble, and invited me to admire a very ordinary view that was
to be obtained by looking up the Wide-path in a particular direction,
but which embraced his own abode. When Mr. Wriggle was fairly out of
earshot, I demanded of the brigadier if Bivouac, or Leaplow, contained
many such prodigies.

“Enough to make themselves very troublesome, and us ridiculous,”
returned Mr. Downright. “We are a young nation, Sir John, covering a
great surface, with a comparatively small population, and, as you are
aware, separated from the other parts of the monikin region by a belt
of ocean. In some respects we are like people in the country, and we
possess the merits and failings of those who are so situated. Perhaps
no nation has a larger share of reflecting and essentially respectable
inhabitants than Leaplow; but, not satisfied with being what
circumstances so admirably fit them to be, there is a clique among us,
who, influenced by the greater authority of older nations, pine to be
that which neither nature, education, manners, nor facilities will just
yet allow them to become. In short, sir, we have the besetting sin of a
young community—imitation. In our case the imitation is not always
happy, either; it being necessarily an imitation that is founded on
descriptions. If the evil were limited to mere social absurdities, it
might be laughed at—but that inherent desire of distinction, which is
the most morbid and irritable, unhappily, in the minds of those who are
the least able to attain anything more than a very vulgar notoriety, is
just as active here, as it is elsewhere; and some who have got wealth,
and who can never get more than what is purely dependent on wealth,
affect to despise those who are not as fortunate as themselves in this
particular. In their longings for pre-eminence, they turn to other
states (Leaphigh, more especially, which is the beau ideal of all
nations and people who wish to set up a caste in opposition to
despotism) for rules of thought, and declaim against that very mass
which is at the bottom of all their prosperity, by obstinately refusing
to allow of any essential innovation on the common rights. In addition
to these social pretenders, we have our political Indoctrinated.”

“Indoctrinated! Will you explain the meaning of the term?”

“Sir, an Indoctrinated is one of a political school who holds to the
validity of certain theories which have been made to justify a set of
adventitious facts, as is eminently the case in our own great model,
Leaphigh. We are peculiarly placed in this country. Here, as a rule,
facts—meaning political and social facts—are greatly in advance of
opinion, simply because the former are left chiefly to their own free
action, and the latter is necessarily trammelled by habit and
prejudice; while in the ‘old region’ opinion, as a rule—and meaning the
leading or better opinion—is greatly in advance of facts, because facts
are restrained by usage and personal interests, and opinion is incited
by study, and the necessity of change.”

“Permit me to say, brigadier, that I find your present institutions a
remarkable result to follow such a state of things.”

“They are a cause, rather than a consequence. Opinion, as a whole, is
everywhere on the advance; and it is further advanced even here, as a
whole, than anywhere else. Accident has favored the foundation of the
social compact; and once founded, the facts have been hastening to
their consummation faster than the monikin mind has been able to keep
company with them. This is a remarkable but true state of the whole
region. In other monikin countries, you see opinion tugging at rooted
practices, and making desperate efforts to eradicate them from their
bed of vested interests, while here you see facts dragging opinion
after them like a tail wriggling behind a kite. [Footnote: One would
think that Brigadier Downright had lately paid a visit to our own happy
and much enlightened land. Fifty years since, the negro was a slave in
New York, and incapable of contracting marriage with a white. Facts
have, however, been progressive; and, from one privilege to another, he
has at length obtained that of consulting his own tastes in this
matter, and, so far as he himself is concerned, of doing as he pleases.
This is the fact, but he who presumes to speak of it has his windows
broken by opinion, for his pains! NOTE BY THE EDITOR] As to our purely
social imitation and social follies, absurd as they are, they are
necessarily confined to a small and an immaterial class; but the
Indoctrinated spirit is a much more serious affair. That unsettles
confidence, innovates on the right, often innocently and ignorantly,
and causes the vessel of state to sail like a ship with a drag towing
in her wake.”

“This is truly a novel condition for an enlightened monikin nation.”

“No doubt, men manage better; but of all this you will learn more in
the great council. You may, perhaps, think it strange that our facts
should preserve their ascendency in opposition to so powerful a foe as
opinion; but you will remember that a great majority of our people, if
not absolutely on a level with circumstances, being purely practical,
are much nearer to this level, than the class termed the endoctrinated.
The last are troublesome and delusive, rather than overwhelming.”

“To return to Mr. Wriggle—is his sect numerous?”

“His class flourishes most in the towns. In Leaplow we are greatly in
want of a capital, where the cultivated, educated, and well-mannered
can assemble, and, placed by their habits and tastes above the ordinary
motives and feelings of the less instructed, they might form a more
healthful, independent, appropriate, and manly public sentiment than
that which now pervades the country. As things are, the real elite of
this community are so scattered, as rather to receive an impression
FROM, than to impart one TO society, The Leaplow Wriggles, as you have
just witnessed, are selfish and exacting as to their personal
pretensions, irritably confident as to the merit of any particular
excellence which limits their own experience, and furiously proscribing
to those whom they fancy less fortunate than themselves.”

“Good heavens!—brigadier—all this is excessively human!”

“Ah! it is—is it? Well, this is certainly the way with us monikins. Our
Wriggles are ashamed of exactly that portion of our population of which
they have most reason to be proud, viz., the mass; and they are proud
of precisely that portion of which they have most reason to be ashamed,
viz., themselves. But plenty of opportunities will offer to look
further into this; and we will now hasten to the inn.”

As the brigadier appeared to chafe under the subject, I remained
silent, following him as fast as I could, but keeping my eyes open, the
reader may be very sure, as we went along. There was one peculiarity I
could not but remark in this singular town. It was this:—all the houses
were smeared over with some colored earth, and then, after all this
pains had been taken to cover the material, an artist was employed to
make white marks around every separate particle of the fabric (and they
were in millions), which ingenious particularity gives the dwellings a
most agreeable air of detail, imparting to the architecture, in
general, a sublimity that is based on the multiplication table. If to
this be added the black of the chevaux-de-frise, the white of the
entrance-ladders, and a sort of standing-collar to the whole,
immediately under the eves, of some very dazzling hue, the effect is
not unlike that of a platoon of drummers, in scarlet coats, cotton
lace, and cuffs and capes of white. What renders the similitude more
striking, is the fact that no two of the same plantoon appear to be
exactly of a size, as is very apt to be the case with your votaries in
military music.




CHAPTER XXV.
A FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE, A FUNDAMENTAL LAW, AND A FUNDAMENTAL ERROR.


The people of Leaplow are remarkable for the deliberation of their
acts, the moderation of their views, and the accumulation of their
wisdom. As a matter of course such a people is never in an indecent
haste. Although I have now been legally naturalized, and regularly
elected to the great council fully twenty-four hours, three entire days
were allowed for the study of the institutions, and to become
acquainted with the genius of a nation, who, according to their own
account of the matter, have no parallel in heaven or earth, or in the
waters under the earth, before I was called upon to exercise my novel
and important functions. I profited by the delay and shall seize a
favorable moment to make the reader acquainted with some of my
acquisitions on this interesting topic.

The institutions of Leaplow are divided into two great moral
categories, viz.: the LEGAL and the SUBSTITUTIVE. The former embraces
the provisions of the great ELEMENTARY, and the latter all the
provisions of the great ALIMENTARY principle. The first, accordingly,
is limited by the constitution, or the Great National Allegory, while
the last is limited by nothing but practice; one contains the
proposition, and the other its deductions; this is all hypothesis,
that, all corollary. The two great political landmarks, the two public
opinions, the bob-upon-bobs, the rotatory action, and the great and
little wheels, are merely inferential, and I shall, therefore, say
nothing about them in my present treatise, which has a strict relation
only to the fundamental law of the land, or to the Great and Sacred
National Allegory.

It has been already stated that Leaplow was originally a scion of
Leaphigh. The political separation took place in the last generation,
when the Leaplowers publicly renounced Leaphigh and all it contained,
just as your catechumen is made to renounce the devil and all his
works. This renunciation, which is also sometimes called the
DENUNCIATION, was much more to the liking of Leaplow than to that of
Leaphigh; and a long and sanguinary war was the consequence. The
Leaplowers, after a smart struggle, however, prevailed in their firm
determination to have no more to do with Leaphigh. The sequel will show
how far they were right.

Even preceding the struggle, so active was the sentiment of patriotism
and independence, that the citizens of Leaplow, though ill-provided
with the productions of their own industry, proudly resorted to the
self-denial of refusing to import even a pin from the mother country,
actually preferring nakedness to submission. They even solemnly voted
that their venerable progenitor, instead of being, as she clearly ought
to have been, a fond, protecting, and indulgent parent, was, in truth,
no other than a rapacious, vindictive and tyrannical step-mother. This
was the opinion, it will be remembered, when the two communities were
legally united, had but one head, wore clothes, and necessarily pursued
a multitude of their interests in common.

By the lucky termination of the war, all this was radically changed.
Leaplow pointed her thumb at Leaphigh, and declared her intention
henceforth to manage her own affairs in her own way. In order to do
this the more effectually, and, at the same time, to throw dirt into
the countenance of her late step-mother, she determined that her own
polity should run so near a parallel, and yet should be so obviously an
improvement on that of Leaphigh, as to demonstrate the imperfections of
the latter to the most superficial observer. That this patriotic
resolution was faithfully carried out in practice, I am now about to
demonstrate.

In Leaphigh, the old human principle had long prevailed, that political
authority came from God; though why such a theory should ever have
prevailed anywhere, as Mr. Downright once expressed it, I cannot see,
the devil very evidently having a greater agency in its exercise than
any other influence, or intelligence, whatever. However, the jus
divinum was the regulator of the Leaphigh social compact, until the
nobility managed to get the better of the jus, when the divinum was
left to shift for itself. It was at this epocha the present
constitution found its birth. Any one may have observed that one stick
placed on end will fall, as a matter of course, unless rooted in the
earth. Two sticks fare no better, even with their tops united; but
three sticks form a standard. This simple and beautiful idea gave rise
to the Leaphigh polity. Three moral props were erected in the midst of
the community, at the foot of one of which was placed the king, to
prevent it from slipping; for all the danger, under such a system, came
from that of the base slipping; at the foot of the second, the nobles;
and at the foot of the third, the people. On the summit of this tripod
was raised the machine of state. This was found to be a capital
invention in theory, though practice, as practice is very apt to do,
subjected it to some essential modifications. The king, having his
stick all his own way, gave a great deal of trouble to the two other
sets of stick-holders; and, unwilling to disturb the theory, for that
was deemed to be irrevocably settled and sacred, the nobility, who, for
their own particular convenience, paid the principal workmen at the
base of the people’s stick to stand steady, set about the means of
keeping the king’s stick, also, in a more uniform and serviceable
attitude. It was on this occasion that, discovering the king never
could keep his end of the great social stick in the place where he had
sworn to keep it, they solemnly declared that he must have forgotten
where the constitutional foot-hole was, and that he had irretrievably
lost his memory—a decision that was the remote cause of the recent
calamity of Captain Poke. The king was no sooner constitutionally
deprived of his memory, than it was an easy matter to strip him of all
his other faculties; after which it was humanely decreed, as indeed it
ought to be in the case of a being so destitute, that he could do no
wrong. By way of following out the idea on a humane and Christian-like
principle, and in order to make one part of the practice conform to the
other, it was shortly after determined that he should do nothing; his
eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender being legally proclaimed
his substitute. In the end, the crimson curtain was drawn before the
throne. As, however, this cousin might begin to wriggle the stick in
his turn, and derange the balance of the tripod, the other two sets of
stick-holders next decided that, though his majesty had an undeniable
constitutional right to say who SHOULD BE his eldest first-cousin of
the masculine gender, they had an undoubted constitutional right to say
who he SHOULD NOT BE. The result of all this was a compromise; his
majesty, who, like other people, found the sweets of authority more
palatable than the bitter, agreeing to get up on top of the tripod,
where he might appear seated on the machine of state, to receive
salutations, and eat and drink in peace, leaving the others to settle
among themselves who should do the work at the bottom, as well as they
could. In brief, such is the history, and such was the polity of
Leaphigh, when I had the honor of visiting that country.

The Leaplowers were resolute to prove that all this was radically
wrong. They determined, in the first place, that there should be but
one great social beam; and, in order that it should stand perfectly
steady, they made it the duty of every citizen to prop its base. They
liked the idea of a tripod well enough, but, instead of setting one up
in the Leaphigh fashion, they just reversed its form, and stuck it on
top of their beam, legs uppermost, placing a separate agent on each
leg, to work their machine of state; taking care, also, to send a new
one aloft periodically. They reasoned thus: If one of the Leaphigh
beams slip (and they will be very apt to slip in wet weather, with the
king, nobles and people wriggling and shoving against each other), down
will come the whole machine of state, or, to say the least, it will get
so much awry as never to work as well as at first; and therefore we
will have none of it. If, on the other hand, one of our agents makes a
blunder and falls, why, he will only break his own neck. He will,
moreover, fall in the midst of us, and, should he escape with life, we
can either catch him and throw him back again, or we can send a better
hand up in his place, to serve out the rest of his time. They also
maintain that one beam, supported by all the citizens, is much less
likely to slip than three beams, supported by three powers of very
uncertain, not to say unequal, forces.

Such, in effect, is the substance of the respective national allegories
of Leaphigh and of Leaplow; I say allegories, for both governments seem
to rely on this ingenious form of exhibiting their great distinctive
national sentiments. It would, in fact, be an improvement, were all
constitutions henceforth to be written in this manner, since they would
necessarily be more explicit, intelligible, and sacred than they are by
the present attempt at literality.

Having explained the governing principles of these two important
states, I now crave the reader’s attention, for a moment, while I go a
little into the details of the MODUS OPERANDI, in both cases.

Leaphigh acknowledged a principle, in the outset, that Leaplow totally
disclaimed, viz., that of primogeniture. Being an only child myself,
and having no occasion for research on this interesting subject, I
never knew the basis of this peculiar right, until I came to read the
great Leaphigh commentator, Whiterock, on the governing rules of the
social compact. I there found that the first-born, MORALLY considered,
is thought to have better claims to the honors of the genealogical
tree, on the father’s side, than those offspring whose origin is to be
referred to a later period in connubial life. On this obvious and
highly discriminating principle, the crown, the rights of the nobles,
and indeed all other rights, are transferred from father to son, in the
direct male line, according to primogeniture.

Nothing of this is practised in Leaplow. There, the supposition of
legitimacy is as much in favor of the youngest as of the oldest born,
and the practice is in conformity. As there is no hereditary chief to
poise on one of the legs of the great tripod, the people at the foot of
the beam choose one from among themselves, periodically, who is called
the Great Sachem. The same people choose another set, few in number,
who occupy a common seat, on another leg. These they term the Riddles.
Another set, still more numerous and popular in aspect, if not in fact,
fills a large seat on the third leg. These last, from their being
supposed to be supereminently popular and disinterested, are familiarly
known as the Legion. They are also pleasantly nicknamed the Bobees, an
appellation that took its rise in the circumstance that most of the
members of their body have submitted to the second dock, and, indeed,
have nearly obliterated every sign of a CAUDA. I had, most luckily,
been chosen to sit in the House of Bobees, a station for which I felt
myself well qualified, in this great essential at least; for all the
anointing and forcing resorted to by Noah and myself, during our voyage
out, and our residence in Leaphigh, had not produced so much as a
visible sprout in either.

The Great Sachem, the Riddles, and the Legion, had conjoint duties to
perform, in certain respects, and separate duties in others. All three,
as they owed their allegorical elevation to, so were they dependent on,
the people at the foot of the great social stick, for approbation and
reward—that is to say for all rewards other than those which they have
it in their power to bestow on themselves. There was another authority,
or agent of the public, that is equally perched on the social beam,
though not quite so dependent as the three just named, upon the main
prop of the people—being also propped by a mechanical disposition of
the tripod itself. These are termed the Supreme Arbitrators, and their
duties are to revise the acts of the other three agents of the people,
and to decide whether they are or are not in conformity with the
recognized principles of the Sacred Allegory.

I was greatly delighted with my own progress in the study of the
Leaplow institutions. In the first place, I soon discovered that the
principal thing was to reverse the political knowledge I had acquired
in Leaphigh, as one would turn a tub upside-down, when he wished to
draw from its stores at a fresh end, and then I was pretty sure of
being within at least the spirit of the Leaplow law. Everything seemed
simple, for all was dependent on the common prop, at the base of the
great social beam.

Having got a thorough insight myself into the governing principles of
the system under which I had been chosen to serve, I went to look up my
colleague, Captain Poke, in order to ascertain how he understood the
great Leaplow Allegory.

I found the mind of the sealer, according to a beautiful form of speech
already introduced in this narrative, “considerably exercised,” on the
several subjects that so naturally presented themselves to a man in his
situation. In the first place, he was in a towering passion at the
impudence of Bob in presuming to offer himself as a candidate for the
great council; and having offered himself, the rage of the Captain was
in no degree abated by the circumstance of the young rascal’s being at
the head of the poll. He most unreservedly swore “that no subordinate
of his should ever sit in the same legislative body with himself; that
he was a republican by birth, and knew the usages of republican
governments quite as well as the best patriot among them; and although
he admitted that all sorts of critters were sent to Congress in his
country, no man ever knew an instance of a cabin-boy’s being sent
there. They might elect just as much as they pleased; but coming
ashore, and playing politician were very different things from cleaning
his boots, and making his coffee, and mixing his grog.” The captain had
just been waited on by a committee of the Perpendiculars (half the
Leaplow community is on some committee or other), by whom he had been
elected, and they had given notice, that instructions would be sent in,
forthwith, to all their representatives, to perform gyration No. 3, as
soon after the meeting of the council as possible. He was no tumbler,
and he had sent for a master of political saltation, who had just been
with him practising. According to Noah’s own statement, his success was
anything but flattering. “If they would give a body room, Sir John,” he
said, in a complaining accent, “I should think nothing of it—but you
are expected to stand shoulder to shoulder—yard-arm and yard-arm—and
throw a flap-jack as handy as an old woman would toss a johnny-cake!
It’s unreasonable to think of wearing ship without room; but give me
room, and I’ll engage to get round on the other tack, and to luff into
the line again, as safely as the oldest cruiser among ’em, though not
quite so quick. They do go about spitefully, that’s sartain.”

Nor were the Great National Allegories without their difficulties. Noah
perfectly understood the images of the two tripods, though he was
disposed to think that neither was properly secured. A mast would make
but bad weather, he maintained, let it be ever so well rigged and
stayed, without being also securely stepped. He saw no use in trusting
the heels of the beams to anybody. Good lashings were what were wanted,
and then the people might go about their private affairs, and not fear
the work would fall. That the king of Leaphigh had no memory, he could
testify from bitter experience; nor did he believe that he had any
conscience; and, chiefly he desired to know if we, when we got up into
our places on the top of the three inverted beams, among the other
Bobees, were to make war on the Great Sachem and the Riddles, or
whether we were to consider the whole affair as a good thing, in which
the wisest course would be to make fair weather of it?

To all these remarks and questions I answered as well as my own limited
experience would allow; taking care to inform my friend that he had
conceived the whole matter a little too literally, as all that he had
been reading about the great political beams, the tripods, and the
legislative boxes, was merely an allegory.

“And pray, then, Sir John, what may an allegory be?”

“In this case, my good sir, it is a constitution.”

“And what is a constitution?”

“Why, it is sometimes as you perceive, an allegory.”

“And are we not to be mast-headed, then, according to the book?”

“Figuratively, only.”

“But there are actually such critters as the Great Sachem, and Riddles,
and above all, the Bobees!—We are boney fie-diddle-di-dee elected?”

“Boney fie-diddle-di-dee.”

“And may I take the liberty of asking, what it is our duty to do?”

“We are to act practically—according to the literality of the legal,
implied, figurative, allegorical significations of the Great National
Compact under a legitimate construction.”

“I fear we shall have to work doubletides, Sir John, to do so much in
so short a time! Do you mean that, in honest truth, there is no beam?”

“There is, and there is not.”

“No fore, main, and mizzen tops, according to what is here written
down?”

“There is not, and there is.”

“Sir John, in the name of God, speak out! Is all this about eight
dollars a day, no better than a take in?”

“That, I believe is strictly literal.”

As Noah now seemed a little mollified, I seized the opportunity to tell
him he must beware how he attempted to stop Bob from attending the
council. Members were privileged, going and coming; and unless he was
guarded in his course, he might have some unpleasant collision with the
sergeant-at-arms. Besides, it was unbecoming the dignity of a
legislator to be wrangling about trifles, and he, to whom was confided
the great affairs of a state, ought to attach the utmost importance to
a grave exterior, which commonly was of more account with his
constituents than any other quality. Any one could tell whether he was
grave or not, but it was by no means so easy a matter to tell whether
he or his constituents had the greater cause to appear so. Noah
promised to be discreet, and we parted, not to meet again until we
assembled to be sworn in.

Before continuing the narrative, I will just mention that we disposed
of our commercial investments that morning. All the Leaphigh opinions
brought good prices; and I had occasion to see how well the brigadier
understood the market by the eagerness with which, in particular, the
Opinions on the State of Society in Leaplow were bought up. But, by one
of those unexpected windfalls which raise up so many of the chosen of
the earth to their high places, the cook did better than any of us. It
will be remembered, that he had bartered an article of merchandise that
he called slush against a neglected bale of Distinctive Leaplow
Opinions, which had no success at all in Leaphigh. Coming as they did
from abroad, these articles had taken as novelties in Bivouac, and he
sold them all before night, at enormous advances; the cry being that
something new and extraordinary had found its way into the market.




CHAPTER XXVI.
HOW TO ENACT LAWS—ORATORY, LOGIC, AND ELOQUENCE; ALL CONSIDERED IN
THEIR EVERY-DAY ASPECTS.


Political oaths are very much the same sort of thing everywhere, and I
shall say no more about our inauguration than simply to state it took
place as usual. The two houses were duly organized, and we proceeded,
without delay, to the transaction of business. I will here state that I
was much rejoiced to find Brigadier Downright among the Bobees, the
captain whispering that most probably he had been mistaken for an
“immigrunt,” and chosen accordingly.

It was not a great while before the Great Sachem sent us a
communication, which contained a compte rendue of the state of the
nation. Like most accounts it is my good fortune to receive, I thought
it particularly long. Agreeably to the opinions of this document, the
people of Leaplow were, by a good deal, the happiest people in the
world; they were also considerably more respected, esteemed, beloved,
honored, and properly appreciated, than any other monikin community,
and, in short, they were the admiration and glory of the universe. I
was exceedingly glad to hear this, for some of the facts were quite new
to me; a circumstance which shows one can never get correct notions of
a nation except from itself.

These important facts properly digested, we all of us set about our
several duties with a zeal that spoke fairly for our industry and
integrity. Things commenced swimmingly, and it was not long before the
Riddles sent us a resolution for concurrence, by way of opening the
ball. It was conceived in the following terms: “Resolved, that the
color which has hitherto been deemed to be black, is really white.”

As this was the first resolution that involved a principle on which we
had been required to vote, I suggested to Noah the propriety of our
going round to the brigadier, and inquiring what might be the drift of
so singular a proposition. Our colleague answered the question with
great good-nature, giving us to understand that the Perpendiculars and
the Horizontals had long been at variance on the mere coloring property
of various important questions, and the real matter involved in the
resolution was not visible. The former had always maintained (by
always, he meant ever since the time they maintained the contrary) the
doctrine of the resolution, and the latter its converse. A majority of
the Riddles, just at this moment, are Perpendiculars; and, as it was
now seen, they had succeeded in getting a vote on their favorite
principle.

“According to this account of the matter, Sir John,” observed the
captain, “I shall be compelled to maintain that black is white, seeing
that I am in on the Parpendic’lar interest?”

I thought with the captain, and was pleased that my own legislative
debut was not to be characterized by the promulgation of any doctrine
so much at variance with my preconceived ways of thinking. Curious,
however, to know his opinion, I asked the brigadier in what light he
felt disposed to view the matter himself.

“I am elected by the Tangents,” he said; “and, by what I can learn, it
is the intention of our friends to steer a middle course; and one of
our leaders is already selected, who, at a proper stage of the affair,
is to move an amendment.”

“Can you refer me, my dear friend, to anything connected with the Great
National Allegory that bears on this point?”

“Why, there is a clause among the fundamental and immutable laws, which
it is thought was intended to meet this very case; but, unhappily, the
sages by whom our Allegory was drawn up have not paid quite as much
attention to the phraseology as the importance of the subject
demanded.”

Here the brigadier laid his finger on the clause in question, and I
returned to a seat to study its meaning. It was conceived as
follows:—Art. IV. Clause 6: “The Great National Council shall, in no
case whatever, pass any law, or resolution, declaring white to be
black.”

After studying this fundamental enactment to the bottom, turning it on
every side, and finally considering it upside-down, I came to the
conclusion that its tenor was, on the whole, rather more favorable than
unfavorable to the Horizontal doctrine. It struck me, a very good
argument was to be made out of the constitutional question, and that it
presented a very fair occasion for a new member to venture on a maiden
speech. Having so settled the matter, entirely to my own satisfaction,
I held myself in reserve, waiting for the proper moment to produce an
effect.

It was not long before the chairman of the committee on the judiciary
(one of the effects of the resolution was entirely to change the
coloring of all testimony throughout the vast Republic of Leaplow) made
his report on the subject-matter of the resolution. This person was a
Tangent, who had a besetting wish to become a Riddle, although the
leaning of our house was decidedly Horizontal; and, as a matter of
course, he took the Riddle side of this question. The report, itself,
required seven hours in the reading, commencing with the subject at the
epocha of the celebrated caucus that was adjourned sine die, by the
disruption of the earth’s crust, and previously to the distribution of
the great monikin family into separate communities, and ending with the
subject of the resolution in his hand. The reporter had set his
political palette with the utmost care, having completely covered the
subject with neutral tints, before he got through with it, and glazing
the whole down with ultramarine, in such a way as to cause the eye to
regard the matter through a fictitious atmosphere. Finally, he repeated
the resolution, verbatim, and as it came from the other house.

Mr. Speaker now called upon gentlemen to deliver their sentiments. To
my utter amazement, Captain Poke arose, put his tobacco back into its
box, and opened the debate without apology.

The honorable captain said he understood this question to be one
implicating the liberties of everybody. He understood the matter
literally, as it was propounded in the Allegory, and set forth in the
resolution; and, as such, he intended to look at it with unprejudiced
eyes. “The natur’ of this proposal lay altogether in color. What is
color, after all? Make the most of it, and in the most favorable
position, which, perhaps, is the cheek of a comely young woman, and it
is but skin-deep. He remembered the time when a certain female in
another part of the univarse, who is commonly called Miss Poke, might
have out-rosed the best rose in a placed called Stunnin’tun; and what
did it all amount to? He shouldn’t ask Miss Poke herself, for obvious
reasons—but he would ask any of the neighbors how she looked now?
Quitting female natur’, he would come to human natur’ generally. He had
often remarked that sea water was blue, and he had frequently caused
pails to be lowered, and the water brought on deck, to see if he could
come at any of this blueing matter—for indigo was both scarce and dear
in his part of the world, but he never could make out anything by the
experiment; from which he concluded that, on the whull, there was
pretty much no such thing as color, at all.

“As for the resolution before the house, it depended entirely on the
meaning of words. Now, after all, what is a word? Why, some people’s
words are good, and other people’s words are good for nothing. For his
part, he liked sealed instruments—which might be because he was a
sealer—but as for mere words, he set but little store by them. He once
tuck a man’s word for his wages; and the long and short of it was, that
he lost his money. He had known a thousand instances in which words had
proved to be of no value, and he did not see why some gentlemen wished
to make them of so much importance here. For his part, he was for
puffing up nothing, no, not even a word or a color, above its desarts.
The people seemed to call for a change in the color of things, and he
called upon gentlemen to remember that this was a free country, and one
in which the laws ruled; and therefore he trusted they would be
disposed to adapt the laws to the wants of the people. What had the
people asked of the house in this matter? So far as his knowledge went,
they had really asked nothing in words, but he understood there was
great discontent on the subject of the old colors; and he construed
their silence into an expression of contempt for words in general. He
was a Parpendic’lar, and he should always maintain Parpendic’lar
sentiments. Gentlemen might not agree with him, but, for one, he was
not disposed to jipordyze the liberties of his constituents, and
therefore he gave the rizolution just as it came from the Riddles,
without altering a letter—although he did think there was one word
misspelt—he meant ‘really,’ which he had been taught to spell
‘ra’aily’—but he was ready to sacrifice even his opinions on this point
to the good of the country; and therefore he went with the Riddles,
even to their misprints. He hoped the rizolution would pass, with the
entire unanimity so important a subject demanded.”

This speech produced a very strong sensation. Up to this time, the
principal orators of the house had been much in the practice of
splitting hairs about some nice technicality in the Great Allegory; but
Noah, with the simplicity of a truly great mind, had made a home thrust
at the root of the whole matter; laying about him with the
single-first, I made a few apposite remarks on the necessity of
respecting the vital ordinances of the body politic, and asked the
attention of my hearers while I read to them a particular clause, which
it had struck me had some allusion to the very point now in
consideration. Having thus cleared the way, I had not the folly to
defeat the objects of so much preparation, by an indiscreet
precipitancy. So far from it, previously to reading the extract from
the constitution, I waited until the attention of every member present
was attracted more forcibly by the dignity, deliberation, and gravity
of my manner, than by the substance of what had yet been said. In the
midst of this deep silence and expectation I read aloud, in a voice
that reached every cranny in the hall—

“The great council shall, in no case whatever, pass any law, or
resolution, declaring white to be black.”

If I had been calm in the presentation of this authority, I was equally
self-possessed in waiting for its effect. Looking about me I saw
surprise, perplexity, doubt, wonder, and uncertainty in every
countenance, if I did not find conviction. One fact embarrassed even
me. Our friends the Horizontals were evidently quite as much at fault
as our opponents the Perpendiculars, instead of being, as I had good
reason to hope, in an ecstasy of pleasure on hearing their cause
sustained by an authority so weighty.

“Will the honorable member have the goodness to explain from what
author he has quoted?” one of the leading Perpendiculars at length
ventured to inquire.

“The language you have just heard, Mr. Speaker,” I resumed, believing
that now was the favorable instant to follow up the matter, “is
language that must find an echo in every heart—it is language that can
never be used in vain in this venerable hall, language that carries
with it conviction and command.”—I observed that the members were now
fairly gaping at each other with wonder.—“Sir, I am asked to name the
author from whom I have quoted these sententious and explicit
words—Sir, what you have just heard is to be found in the Article IV.,
Clause 6, of the Great National Allegory—”

“Order—order—order!” shouted a hundred raven throats.

I stood aghast, even more amazed than the house itself had been only
the instant before.

“Order—order—order—order—order!” continued to be yelled, as if a
million of demons were screeching in the hall.

“The honorable member will please to recollect,” said the bland and
ex-officio impartial speaker, who, by the way, was a Perpendicular,
elected by fraud, “that it is out of order to use personalities.”

“Personalities! I do not understand, sir—”

“The instrument to which the honorable member has alluded, his own good
sense will tell him, was never written by itself—so far from this, the
very members of the convention by which it was drawn up, are at this
instant members of this house, and most of them supporters of the
resolution now before the house; and it will be deemed personal to
throw into their faces former official acts, in this unheard-of manner.
I am sorry it is my duty to say, that the honorable member is entirely
out of order.”

“But, sir, the Sacred National—”

“Sacred, sir, beyond a doubt—but in a sense different from what you
imagine—much too sacred, sir, ever to be alluded to here. There are the
works of the commentators, the books of constructions, and specially
the writings of various foreign and perfectly disinterested
statesmen—need I name Ekrub in particular!—that are at the command of
members; but so long as I am honored with a seat in this chair, I shall
peremptorily decide against all personalities.”

I was dumfounded. The idea that the authority itself would be refused
never crossed my mind, though I had anticipated a sharp struggle on its
construction. The constitution only required that no law should be
passed declaring black to be white, whereas the resolution merely
ordered that henceforth white should be black. Here was matter for
discussion, nor was I at all sanguine as to the result; but to be thus
knocked on the head by a club, in the outset, was too much for the
modesty of a maiden speech. I took my seat in confusion; and I plainly
saw that the Perpendiculars, by their sneers, now expected to carry
everything triumphantly their own way. This, most probably, would have
been the case, had not one of the Tangents immediately got the floor,
to move the amendment. To the vast indignation of Captain Poke, and, in
some degree, to my own mortification, this duty was intrusted to the
Hon. Robert Smut. Mr. Smut commenced with entreating members not to be
led away by the sophistry of the first speaker. That honorable member,
no doubt, felt himself called upon to defend the position taken by his
friends; but those that knew him well, as it had been his fate to know
him, must be persuaded that his sentiments had, at least, undergone a
sudden and miraculous change. That honorable member denied the
existence of color at all! He would ask that honorable member if he had
never been instrumental himself in producing what is generally called
“black and blue color”? He should like to know if that honorable member
placed as little value, at present, on blows as he now seemed to set on
words. He begged pardon of the house—but this was a matter of great
interest to himself—he knew that there never had been a greater
manufacturer of “black and blue color” than that honorable member, and
he wondered at his now so pertinaciously denying the existence of
colors, and at his wish to underrate their value. For his part, he
trusted he understood the importance of words, and the value of hues;
and while he did not exactly see the necessity of deeming black so
inviolable as some gentlemen appeared to think it, he was not by any
means prepared to go as far as those who had introduced this
resolution. He did not believe that public opinion was satisfied with
maintaining that black was black, but he thought it was not yet
disposed to affirm that black was white. He did not say that such a day
might not arrive; he only maintained that it had not yet arrived, and
with a view to meet that which he believed was the public sentiment, he
should move, by way of amendment, to strike out the whole of the
resolution after the word “really,” and insert that which would cause
the whole resolution to read as follows, viz.:

“Resolved, that the color which has hitherto been deemed to be black,
is really lead-color.”

Hereupon, the Honorable Mr. Smut took his seat, leaving the house to
its own ruminations. The leaders of the Perpendiculars, foreseeing that
if they got half-way this session, they might effect the rest of their
object the next, determined to accept the compromise; and the
resolution, amended, passed by a handsome majority. So this important
point was finally decided for the moment, leaving great hopes among the
Perpendiculars of being able to lay the Horizontals even flatter on
their backs than they were just then.

The next question that presented itself was of far less interest,
exciting no great attention. To understand it, however, it will be
necessary to refer a little to history. The government of Leapthrough
had, about sixty-three years before, caused one hundred and twenty-six
Leaplow ships to be burned on the high seas, or otherwise destroyed.
The pretence was, that they incommoded Leapthrough. Leaplow was much
too great a nation to submit to so heinous an outrage, while, at the
same time, she was much too magnanimous and wise a nation to resent it
in an every-day and vulgar manner. Instead of getting in a passion and
loading her cannon, she summoned all her logic and began to reason.
After reasoning the matter with Leapthrough for fifty-two years, or
until all the parties who had been wronged were dead, and could no
longer be benefited by her logic, she determined to abate two-thirds of
her pretensions in a pecuniary sense, and all her pretensions in an
honorary sense, and to compromise the affair by accepting a certain
insignificant sum of money as a salve to the whole wrong. Leapthrough
conditioned to pay this money, in the most solemn and satisfactory
manner; and everybody was delighted with the amicable termination of a
very vexatious and a seemingly interminable discussion. Leapthrough was
quite as glad to get rid of the matter as Leaplow, and very naturally,
under all the circumstances, thought the whole thing at length done
with, when she conditioned to pay the money. The Great Sachem of
Leaplow, most unfortunately, however, had a “will of iron,” or, in
other words, he thought the money ought to be paid as well as
conditioned to be paid. This despotic construction of the bargain had
given rise to unheard-of dissatisfaction in Leapthrough, as indeed
might have been expected; but it was, oddly enough, condemned with some
heat even in Leaplow itself, where it was stoutly maintained by certain
ingenious logicians, that the only true way to settle a bargain to pay
money, was to make a new one for a less sum whenever the amount fell
due; a plan that, with a proper moderation and patience would be
certain, in time, to extinguish the whole debt.

Several very elaborate patriots had taken this matter in hand, and it
was now about to be presented to the house under four different
categories. Category No. 1, had the merit of simplicity and precision.
It proposed merely that Leaplow should pay the money itself, and take
up the bond, using its own funds. Category No. 2, embraced a
recommendation of the Great Sachem for Leaplow to pay itself, using,
however, certain funds of Leapthrough. Category No. 3 was a proposal to
offer ten millions to Leapthrough to say no more about the transaction
at all. Category No. 4, was to commence the negotiating or abating
system mentioned, without delay, in order to extinguish the claim by
instalments as soon as possible.

The question came up on the consideration of the different projects
connected with these four leading principles. My limits will not admit
of a detailed history of the debate. All I can do, is merely to give an
outline of the logic that these various propositions set in motion, of
the legislative ingenuity of which they were the parents, and of the
multitude of legitimate conclusions that so naturally followed.

In favor of category No 1, it was urged that, by adopting its leading
idea, the affair would be altogether in our own hands, and might
consequently be settled with greater attention to purely Leaplow
interests; that further delay could only proceed from our own
negligence; that no other project was so likely to get rid of this
protracted negotiation in so short a time; that by paying the debt with
the Leaplow funds, we should be sure of receiving its amount in the
good legal currency of the republic; that it would be singularly
economical, as the agent who paid might also be authorized to receive,
whereby there would be a saving in salary; and, finally, that under
this category, the whole affair might be brought within the limits of a
nutshell, and the compass of any one’s understanding.

In favor of category No. 2, little more than very equivocal sophisms,
which savored strongly of commonplace opinions, were presented. It was
pretended, for instance, that he who signed a bond was in equity bound
to pay it; that, if he refused, the other party had the natural and
legal remedy of compulsion; that it might not always be convenient for
a creditor to pay all the obligations of other people which he might
happen to hold; that if his transactions were extensive, money might be
wanting to carry out such a principle; and that, as a precedent, it
would comport much more with Leaplow prudence and discretion to
maintain the old and tried notions of probity and justice, than to
enter on the unknown ocean of uncertainty that was connected with the
new opinions, by admitting which, we could never know when we were
fairly out of debt.

Category No. 3, was discussed on an entirely new system of logic, which
appeared to have great favor with that class of the members who were of
the more refined school of ethics. These orators referred the whole
matter to a sentiment of honor. They commenced by drawing vivid
pictures of the outrages in which the original wrongs had been
committed. They spoke of ruined families, plundered mariners, and
blasted hopes. They presented minute arithmetical calculations to show
that just forty times as much wrong had, in fact, been done, as this
bond assumed; and that, as the case actually stood, Leaplow ought, in
strict justice, to receive exactly forty times the amount of the money
that was actually included in the instrument. Turning from these
interesting details, they next presented the question of honor.
Leapthrough, by attacking the Leaplow flag, and invading Leaplow
rights, had made it principally a question of honor, and, in disposing
of it, the principle of honor ought never to be lost sight of. It was
honorable to PAY ones’ debts—this no one could dispute but it was not
so clear, by any means, that there was any honor in RECEIVING ones’
dues. The national honor was concerned; and they called on members, as
they cherished the sacred sentiment, to come forward and sustain it by
their votes. As the matter stood, Leaplow had the best of it. In
compounding with her creditor, as had been done in the treaty,
Leapthrough lost some honor—in refusing to pay the bond, she lost still
more; and now, if we should send her the ten millions proposed, and she
should have the weakness to accept it, we should fairly get our foot
upon her neck, and she could never look us in the face again!

The category No. 4, brought up a member who had made political economy
his chief study. This person presented the following case:—According to
his calculations, the wrong had been committed precisely sixty-three
years, and twenty-six days, and two-thirds of a day ago. For the whole
of that long period Leaplow had been troubled with this vexatious
question, which had hung like a cloud over the otherwise unimpaired
brightness of her political landscape. It was time to get rid of it.
The sum stipulated was just twenty-five millions, to be paid in
twenty-five annual instalments, of a million each. Now, he proposed to
reduce the instalments to one-half the number, but in no way to change
the sum. That point ought to be considered as irrevocably settled. This
would diminish the debt one-half. Before the first instalment should
become due he would effect a postponement, by diminishing the
instalments again to six, referring the time to the latest periods
named in the last treaty, and always most sacredly keeping the sums
precisely the same. It would be impossible to touch the sums, which, he
repeated, ought to be considered as sacred. Before the expiration of
the first seven years, a new arrangement might reduce the instalments
to two, or even to one—always respecting the sum; and finally, at the
proper moment, a treaty could be concluded, declaring that there should
be no instalment at all, reserving the point, that if there HAD been an
instalment, Leaplow could never have consented to reduce it below one
million. The result would be that in about five-and-twenty years the
country would be fairly rid of the matter, and the national character,
which it was agreed on all hands was even now as high as it well could
be, would probably be raised many degrees higher. The negotiations had
commenced in a spirit of compromise; and our character for consistency
required that this spirit of compromise should continue to govern our
conduct as long as a single farthing remained unpaid.

This idea took wonderfully; and I do believe it would have passed by a
handsome majority, had not a new proposition been presented, by an
orator of singularly pathetic powers.

The new speaker objected to all four of the categories. He said that
each and every one of them would lead to war. Leapthrough was a
chivalrous and high-minded nation, as was apparent by the present
aspect of things. Should we presume to take up the bond, using our own
funds, it would mortally offend her pride, and she would fight us; did
we presume to take up the bond, using her funds, it would offend her
financial system, and she would fight us; did we presume to offer her
ten millions to say no more about the matter, it would offend her
dignity by intimating that she was to be bought off from her rights,
and she would fight us; did we presume to adopt the system of new
negotiations, it would mortally offend her honor, by intimating that
she would not respect her old negotiations, and she would fight us. He
saw war in all four of the categories. He was for a peace category, and
he thought he held in his hand a proposition, that by proper
management, using the most tender delicacy, and otherwise respecting
the sensibilities of the high and honorable nation in question, we
might possibly get out of this embarrassing dilemma without actually
coming to blows—he said to blows, for he wished to impress on honorable
members the penalties of war. He invited gentlemen to recollect that a
conflict between two great nations was a serious affair. If Leapthrough
were a little nation, it would be a different matter, and the contest
might be conducted in a corner; our honor was intimately connected with
all we did with great nations. What was war? Did gentlemen know? He
would tell them.

Here the orator drew a picture of war that caused suffering monikinity
to shudder. He viewed it in its four leading points: its religious, its
pecuniary, its political, and its domestic penalties. He described war
to be the demon state of the monikin mind; as opposed to worship, to
charity, brotherly love, and all the virtues. On its pecuniary
penalties, he touched by exhibiting a tax-sheet. Buttons which cost
sixpence a gross, he assured the house, would shortly cost sevenpence a
gross.—Here he was reminded that monikins no longer wore buttons.—No
matter, they bought and sold buttons, and the effects on trade were
just the same. The political penalties of war he fairly showed to be
frightful; but when he came to speak of the domestic penalties, there
was not a dry eye in the house. Captain Poke blubbered so loud that I
was in an agony lest he should be called to order.

“Regard that pure spirit,” he cried, “crushed as it has been in the
whirlwind of war. Behold her standing over the sod that covers the hero
of his country, the husband of her virgin affections. In vain the
orphan at her side turns its tearful eye upwards, and asks for the
plumes that so lately pleased its infant fancy; in vain its gentle
voice inquires when he is to return, when he is to gladden their hearts
with his presence—” But I can write no more. Sobs interrupted the
speaker, and he took his seat in an ecstasy of godliness and
benevolence.

I hurried across the house, to beg the brigadier would introduce me to
this just monikin without a moment’s delay. I felt as if I could take
him to my heart at once, and swear an eternal friendship with a spirit
so benevolent. The brigadier was too much agitated, at first, to attend
to me; but, after wiping his eyes at least a hundred times, he finally
succeeded in arresting the torrents, and looked upwards with a bland
smile.

“Is he not a wonderful monikin?”

“Wonderful indeed! How completely he puts us all to shame!—Such a
monikin can only be influenced by the purest love for the species.”

“Yes, he is of a class that we call the third monikinity. Nothing
excites our zeal like the principles of the class of which he is a
member!”

“How! Have you more than one class of the humane?”

“Certainly—the Original, the Representative, and the Speculative.”

“I am devoured by the desire to understand the distinctions, my dear
brigadier.”

“The Original is an every-day class, that feels under the natural
impulses. The Representative is a more intellectual division, that
feels chiefly by proxy. The Speculatives are those whose sympathies are
excited by positive interests, like the last speaker. This person has
lately bought a farm by the acre, which he is about to sell, in village
lots, by the foot, and war will knock the whole thing in the head. It
is this which stimulates his benevolence in so lively a manner.”

“Why, this is no more than a development of the social-stake system—”

I was interrupted by the speaker, who called the house to order. The
vote on the resolution of the last orator was to be taken. It read as
follows:—

“Resolved, that it is altogether unbecoming the dignity and character
of Leapthrough, for Leaplow to legislate on the subject of so petty a
consideration as a certain pitiful treaty between the two countries.”

“Unanimity—unanimity!” was shouted by fifty voices. Unanimity there
was; and then the whole house set to work shaking hands and hugging
each other, in pure joy at the success of the honorable and ingenious
manner in which it had got rid of this embarrassing and impertinent
question.




CHAPTER XXVII.
AN EFFECT OF LOGARITHMS ON MORALS—AN OBSCURATION, A DISSERTATION, AND A
CALCULATION.


The house had not long adjourned before Captain Poke and myself were
favored with a visit from our colleague Mr. Downright, who came on an
affair of absorbing interest. He carried in his hand a small pamphlet;
and the usual salutations were scarcely over, before he directed our
attention to a portion of its contents. It would seem that Leaplow was
on the eve of experiencing a great moral eclipse. The periods and dates
of the phenomenon (if that can be called a phenomenon which was of too
frequent occurrence) had been calculated, with surprising accuracy, by
the Academy of Leaphigh, and sent, through its minister, as an especial
favor, to our beloved country in order that we should not be taken by
surprise. The account of the affair read as follows:—

“On the third day of the season of nuts, there will be the commencement
of a great moral eclipse, in that portion of the monikin region which
lies immediately about the pole. The property in eclipse will be the
great moral postulate usually designated by the term Principle; and the
intervening body will be the great immoral postulate, usually known as
Interest. The frequent occurrence of the conjunction of these two
important postulates has caused our moral mathematicians to be rather
negligent of their calculations on this subject of late years; but, to
atone for this inexcusable indifference to one of the most important
concerns of life, the calculating committee was instructed to pay
unusual attention to all the obscurations of the present year, and this
phenomenon, one of the most decided of our age, has been calculated
with the utmost nicety and care. We give the results.

“The eclipse will commence by a motive of monikin vanity coming in
contact with the sub-postulate of charity, at 1 A. M. The postulate in
question will be totally hid from view, in the course of 6 h. 17 m.
from the moment of contact. The passage of a political intrigue will
instantly follow, when the several sub-postulates of truth, honesty,
disinterestedness, and patriotism, will all be obscured in succession,
beginning with the lower limb of the first, and ending with all the
limbs of the whole of them, in 3 h. 42 m. from the moment of contact.
The shadow of vanity and political intrigue will first be deepened by
the approach of prosperity, and this will be soon succeeded by the
contact of a great pecuniary interest, at 10 h. 2 m. 1s.; and in
exactly 2 m. and 3-7 s., the whole of the great moral postulate of
Principle will be totally hid from view. In consequence of this early
passage of the darkest shadow that is ever cast by Interest, the
passages of the respective shadows of ambition, hatred, jealousy, and
all the other minor satellites of Interest, will be invisible.

“The country principally affected by this eclipse will be the Republic
of Leaplow, a community whose known intelligence and virtues are
perhaps better qualified to resist its influence than any other. The
time of occultation will be 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m. 2 s. Principle
will begin to reappear to the moral eye at the end of this period,
first by the approach of Misfortune, whose atmosphere being much less
dense than that of Interest, will allow of imperfect views of the
obscured postulate; but the radiance of the latter will not be
completely restored until the arrival of Misery, whose chastening
colors invariably permit all truths to be discernible, although through
a sombre medium. To resume:

“Beginning of eclipse, 1 A. M.

Ecliptic opposition, in 4 y. 6 m. 12 d. 9 h. from beginning of eclipse.

Middle, in 4 y. 9 m. 0 d. 7 h. 9 m. from beginning of eclipse.

End of eclipse, 9 y. 11 m. 20 d. 3 h. 2 m. from beginning.

Period of occultation, 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m. 2 s.”

I gazed at the brigadier in admiration and awe. There was nothing
remarkable in the eclipse itself, which was quite an every-day affair;
but the precision with which it had been calculated added to its other
phenomena the terrible circumstance of obtaining a glimpse into the
future, I now began to perceive the immense difference between living
consciously under a moral shadow, and living under it unconsciously.
The latter was evidently a trifle compared with the former. Providence
had most kindly provided for our happiness in denying the ability to
see beyond the present moment.

Noah took the affair even more at heart than myself. He told me, with a
rueful and prognosticating countenance, that we were fast drawing near
to the autumnal equinox, when we should reach the commencement of a
natural night of six months’ duration; and although the benevolent
substitute of steam might certainly in some degree lessen the evil,
that it was a furious evil, after all, to exist for a period so weary
without enjoying the light of the sun. He found the external glare of
day bad enough, but he did not believe he should be able to endure its
total absence. “Natur’ had made him a ‘watch and watch’ critter. As for
the twilight of which so much was said, it was worse than nothin’,
being neither one thing nor the other. For his part, he liked things
‘made out of whole cloth.’ Then he had sent the ship round to a distant
roadstead, in order that there might be no more post-captains and
rear-admirals among the people; and here had he been as much as four
days on nothing but nuts. Nuts might do for the philosophy of a monkey,
but he found, on trial, that it played the devil with the philosophy of
a man. Things were bad enough as they were. He pined for a little
pork—he cared not who knew it; it might not be very sentimental, he
knew, but it was capital sea-food; his natur’ was pretty much pork; he
believed most men had, in some way or other, more or less pork in their
human natur’s; nuts might do for monikin natur’, but human natur’ loved
meat; if monikins did not like it, monikins need not eat it; there
would be so much the more for those who did like it—he pined for his
natural aliment, and as for living nine years in an eclipse, it was
quite out of the question. The longest Stunnin’tun eclipses seldom went
over three hours—he once knew Deacon Spiteful pray quite through one,
from apogee to perigee. He therefore proposed that Sir John and he
should resign their seats without delay, and that they should try to
get the Walrus to the north’ard as quick as possible, lest they should
be caught in the polar night. As for the Hon. Robert Smut, he wished
him no better luck than to remain where he was all his life, and to
receive his eight dollars a day in acorns.”

Although it was impossible not to hear, and, having heard, not to
record the sentiments of Noah, still my attention was much more
strongly attracted by the demeanor of the brigadier, than by the
jeremiad of the sealer. To an anxious inquiry if he were not well, our
worthy colleague answered plaintively, that he mourned over the
misfortune of his country.

“I have often witnessed the passage of the passions, and of the minor
motives, across the disc of the great moral postulate, Principle; but
an occultation of its light by a pecuniary Interest, and for so long a
period, is fearful! Heaven only knows what will become of us!”

“Are not these eclipses, after all, so many mere illustrations of the
social-stake system? I confess this occultation, of which you seem to
have so much dread, is not so formidable a thing, on reflection, as it
at first appeared to be.”

“You are quite right, Sir John, as to the character of the eclipse
itself, which, as a matter of course, must depend on the character of
the intervening body. But the wisest and best of our philosophers hold
that the entire system of which we are but insignificant parts, is
based on certain immutable truths of a divine origin. The premises, or
postulates, of all these truths, are so many moral guides in the
management of monikin affairs; and, the moment they are lost sight of,
as will be the case during these frightful nine years that are to come,
we shall be abandoned entirely to selfishness. Now selfishness is only
too formidable when restrained by Principle; but left to its own
grasping desires and audacious sophisms, to me the moral perspective is
terrible. We are only too much addicted to turn our eyes from
Principle, when it is shining in heavenly radiance, and in full glory,
before us; it is not difficult, therefore, to foresee the nature of the
consequences which are to follow its total and protracted obscuration.”

“You then conceive there is a rule superior to interest, which ought to
be respected in the control of monikin affairs?”

“Beyond a doubt; else in what should we differ from the beasts of
prey?”

“I do not exactly see whether this does, or does not accord with the
notions of the political economists of the social-stake system.”

“As you say, Sir John, it does, and it does not. Your social-stake
system supposes that he who has what is termed a distinct and prominent
interest in society, will be the most likely to conduct its affairs
wisely, justly, and disinterestedly. This would be true, if those great
principles which lie at the root of all happiness were respected; but
unluckily, the stake in question, instead of being a stake in justice
and virtue, is usually reduced to be merely a stake in property. Now,
all experience shows that the great property-incentives are to increase
property, protect property, and to buy with property those advantages
which ought to be independent of property, viz., honors, dignities,
power, and immunities. I cannot say how it is with men, but our
histories are eloquent on this head. We have had the property-principle
carried out thoroughly in our practice, and the result has shown that
its chief operation is to render property as intact as possible, and
the bones, and sinews, and marrow of all who do not possess it, its
slaves. In short, the time has been, when the rich were even exempt
from contributing to the ordinary exigencies of the state. But it is
quite useless to theorize on this subject, for, by that cry in the
streets, the lower limb of the great postulate is beginning to be
obscured, and, alas! we shall soon have too much practical
information.”

The brigadier was right. On referring to the clocks, it was found that,
in truth, the eclipse had commenced some time before, and that we were
on the verge of an absolute occultation of Principle, by the basest and
most sordid of all motives, pecuniary Interest.

The first proof that was given of the true state of things, was in the
language of the people. The word Interest was in every monikin’s mouth,
while the word Principle, as indeed was no more than suitable, seemed
to be quite blotted out of the Leaplow vocabulary. To render a local
term into English, half of the vernacular of the country appeared to be
compressed into the single word “dollar.”

“Dollar—dollar—dollar”—nothing but “dollar! Fifty thousand
dollars—twenty thousand dollars—a hundred thousand dollars”—met one at
every turn. The words rang at the corners—in the public ways—at the
exchange—in the drawing-rooms—ay, even in the churches. If a temple had
been reared for the worship of the Creator, the first question was, how
much did it cost? If an artist submitted the fruits of his labors to
the taste of his fellow-citizens, conjectures were whispered among the
spectators, touching its value in the current coin of the republic. If
an author presented the offspring of his genius to the same arbiters,
its merits were settled by a similar standard; and one divine, who had
made a strenuous, but an ill-timed appeal to the charity of his
countrymen, by setting forth the beauties as well as the rewards of the
god-like property, was fairly put down by a demonstration that his
proposition involved a considerable outlay, while it did not clearly
show much was to be gained by going to heaven!

Brigadier Downright had good reasons for his sombre anticipations, for
all the acquirements, knowledge, and experience, obtained in many years
of travel, were now found to be worse than useless. If my honorable
colleague and covoyager ventured a remark on the subject of foreign
policy, a portion of politics to which he had given considerable
attention, it was answered by a quotation from the stock market; an
observation on a matter of taste was certain to draw forth a nice
distinction between the tastes of certain liquors, together with a
shrewd investigation of their several prices; and once, when the worthy
monikin undertook to show, from what struck me to be singularly good
data, that the foreign relations of the country were in a condition to
require great firmness, a proper prudence, and much foresight, he was
completely silenced by an antagonist showing, from the last sales, the
high value of lots up town!

In short, there was no dealing with any subject that could not resolve
itself into dollars, by means of the customary exchanges. The
infatuation spread from father to son; from husband to wife; from
brother to sister; and from one collateral to another, until it pretty
effectually assailed the whole of what is usually termed “society.”
Noah swore bitterly at this antagonist state of things. He affirmed
that he could not even crack a walnut in a corner, but every monikin
that passed appeared to grudge him the satisfaction, small as it was;
and that Stunin’tun, though a scramble-penny place as any he knew, was
paradise to Leaplow, in the present state of things.

It was melancholy to remark how the lustre of the ordinary virtues grew
dim, as the period of occultation continued, and the eye gradually got
to be accustomed to the atmosphere cast by the shadow of pecuniary
interest. I involuntarily shuddered at the open and undisguised manner
in which individuals, who might otherwise pass for respectable
monikins, spoke of the means that they habitually employed in effecting
their objects, and laid bare their utter forgetfulness of the great
postulate that was hid. One coolly vaunted how much cleverer he was
than the law; another proved to demonstration that he had outwitted his
neighbor; while a third, more daring or more expert, applied the same
grounds of exultation to the entire neighborhood. This had the merit of
cunning; that of dissimulation; another of deception, and all of
success!

The shadow cast its malign influence on every interest connected with
monikin life. Temples were raised to God on speculation; the government
was perverted to a money-investment, in which profit, and not justice
and security, was the object; holy wedlock fast took the aspect of
buying and selling, and few prayed who did not identify spiritual
benefits with gold and silver.

The besetting propensity of my ancestor soon began to appear in
Leaplow. Many of those pure and unsophisticated republicans shouted,
“Property is in danger!” as stoutly as it was ever roared by Sir Joseph
Job, and dark allusions were made to “revolutions” and “bayonets.” But
certain proof of the prevalence of the eclipse, and that the shadow of
pecuniary interest lay dark on the land, was to be found in the
language of what are called the “few.” They began to throw dirt at all
opposed to them, like so many fish-women: a sure symptom that the
spirit of selfishness was thoroughly awakened. From much experience, I
hold this sign to be infallible, that the sentiment of aristocracy is
active and vigilant. I never yet visited a country in which a minority
got into its head the crotchet it was alone fit to dictate to the rest
of its fellow-creatures, that it did not, without delay, set about
proving its position, by reviling and calling names. In this particular
“the few” are like women, who, conscious of their weakness, seldom fail
to make up for the want of vigor in their limbs, by having recourse to
the vigor of the tongue. The “one” hangs; the “many” command by the
dignity of force; the “few” vituperate and scold. This is, I believe,
the case all over the world, except in those peculiar instances in
which the “few” happen also to enjoy the privilege of hanging.

It is worthy of remark that the terms, “rabble,” “disorganizers,”
“jacobins,” and “agrarians,” [Footnote: It is scarcely necessary to
tell the intelligent reader there is no proof that any political
community was ever so bent on self-destruction as to enact agrarian
laws, in the vulgar sense in which it has suited the arts of
narrow-minded politicians to represent them ever since the revival of
letters. The celebrated agrarian laws of Rome did not essentially
differ from the distribution of our own military lands, or perhaps the
similitude is greater to the modern Russian military colonies. Those
who feel an interest in this subject would do well to consult Niebuhr.
NOTE BY THE EDITOR.] were bandied from one to the other, in Leaplow,
under this malign influence, with precisely the same justice,
discrimination, and taste, as they had been used by my ancestor in
London, a few years before. Like causes notoriously produce like
effects; and there is no one thing so much like an Englishman under the
property-fever, as a Leaplow monikin suffering under the same malady.

The effect produced on the state of parties by the passage of the
shadow of Pecuniary Interest, was so singular as to deserve our notice.
Patriots who had long been known for an indomitable resolution to
support their friends, openly abandoned their claims on the rewards of
the little wheel, and went over to the enemy; and this, too, without
recourse to the mysteries of the “flapjack.” Judge People’s Friend was
completely annihilated for the moment—so much so, indeed, as to think
seriously of taking another mission—for, during these eclipses, long
service, public virtue, calculated amenity, and all the other bland
qualities of your patriot, pass for nothing, when weighed in the scale
against profit and loss. It was fortunate the Leapthrough question was,
in its essence, so well disposed of, though the uneasiness of those who
bought and sold land by the inch, pushed even that interest before the
public again by insisting that a few millions should be expended in
destroying the munitions of war, lest the nation might improvidently be
tempted to make use of them in the natural way. The cruisers were
accordingly hauled into the stream and converted into tide-mills, the
gun-barrels were transformed into gas-pipes, and the forts were
converted, as fast as possible, into warehouses and tea-gardens. After
this, it was much the fashion to affirm that the advanced state of
civilization had rendered all future wars quite out of the question.
Indeed, the impetus that was given, by the effects of the shadow, in
this way, to humanity in gross, was quite as remarkable as were its
contrary tendencies on humanity in detail.

Public opinion was not backward in showing how completely it was acting
under the influence of the shadow. Virtue began to be estimated by
rent-rolls. The affluent, without hesitation, or, indeed, opposition,
appropriated to themselves the sole use of the word respectable, while
taste, judgment, honesty, and wisdom, dropped like so many heirlooms
quietly into the possession of those who had money. The Leaplowers are
a people of great acuteness, and of singular knowledge of details.
Every considerable man in Bivouac soon had his social station assigned
him, the whole community being divided into classes of
“hundred-thousand-dollar monikins”—“fifty-thousand-dollar
monikins”—“twenty-thousand-dollar monikins.” Great conciseness in
language was a consequence of this state of feeling. The old questions
of “is he honest?” “is he capable?” “is he enlightened?” “is he wise?”
“is he good?” being all comprehended in the single interrogatory of “is
he rich?”

There was one effect of this very unusual state of things, that I had
not anticipated. All the money-getting classes, without exception,
showed a singular predilection in favor of what is commonly called a
strong government; being not only a republic, but virtually a
democracy, I found that much the larger portion of this highly
respectable class of citizens, were not at all backward in expressing
their wish for a change.

“How is this?” I demanded of the brigadier, whom I rarely quitted; for
his advice and opinions were of great moment to me, just at this
particular crisis—“how is this, my good friend? I have always been led
to think trade is especially favorable to liberty; and here are all
your commercial interests the loudest in their declamations against the
institutions.”

The brigadier smiled; it was but a melancholy smile, after all; for his
spirits appeared to have quite deserted him.

“There are three great divisions among politicians,” he said—“they who
do not like liberty at all—they who like it, as low down as their own
particular class—and they who like it for the sake of their
fellow-creatures. The first are not numerous, but powerful by means of
combinations; the second is a very irregular corps, including, as a
matter of course, nearly everybody, but is wanting, of necessity, in
concert and discipline, since no one descends below his own level; the
third are but few, alas, how few! and are composed of those who look
beyond their own selfishness. Now, your merchants, dwelling in towns,
and possessing concert, means, and identity of interests, have been
able to make themselves remarkable for contending with despotic power,
a fact which has obtained for them a cheap reputation for liberality of
opinion; but, so far as monikin experience goes—men may have proved to
be better disposed—no government that is essentially influenced by
commerce has ever been otherwise than exclusive, or aristocratic.”

I bethought me of Venice, Genoa, Pisa, the Hanse Towns, and all the
other remarkable places of this character in Europe, and I felt the
justice of my friend’s distinction, at the same time I could not but
observe how much more the minds of men are under the influence of names
and abstractions than under the influence of positive things. To this
opinion the brigadier very readily assented, remarking, at the same
time, that a well-wrought theory had generally more effect on opinion
than fifty facts; a result that he attributed to the circumstance of
monikins having a besetting predisposition to save themselves the
trouble of thinking.

I was, in particular, struck with the effect of the occultation of
Principle on motives. I had often remarked that it was by no means safe
to depend on one’s own motives, for two sufficient reasons; first, that
we did not always know what our own motives were; and secondly,
admitting that we did, it was quite unreasonable to suppose that our
friends would believe them what we thought them to be ourselves. In the
present instance, every monikin seemed perfectly aware of the
difficulty; and, instead of waiting for his acquaintances to attribute
some moral enormity as his governing reason, he prudently adopted a
moderately selfish inducement for his acts, which he proclaimed with a
simplicity and frankness that generally obtained credit. Indeed, the
fact once conceded that the motive was not offensively disinterested
and just, no one was indisposed to listen to the projects of his
friend, who usually rose in estimation, as he was found to be
ingenious, calculating, and shrewd. The effect of all this was to
render society singularly sincere and plain-spoken; and one
unaccustomed to so much ingenuousness, or who was ignorant of the
cause, might, plausibly enough, suppose, at times, that accident had
thrown him into an extraordinary association with so many ARTISTES,
who, as it is commonly expressed, lived by their wits. I will avow
that, had it been the fashion to wear pockets at Leaplow, I should
often have been concerned for their contents; for sentiments so purely
unsophisticated, were so openly advanced under the influence of the
shadow, that one was inevitably led, oftener than was pleasant, to
think of the relations between meum and tuum, as well as of the
unexpected causes by which they were sometimes disturbed.

A vacancy occurred, the second day of the eclipse, among the
representatives of Bivouac, and the candidate of the Horizontals would
certainly have been chosen to fill it, but for a contretemps connected
with this affair of motives. The individual in question had lately
performed that which, in most other countries, and under other
circumstances, would have passed for an act of creditable national
feeling; but which, quite as a matter of course, was eagerly presented
to the electors, by his opponents, as a proof of his utter unfitness to
be intrusted with their interests. The friends of the candidate took
the alarm, and indignantly denied the charges of the Perpendiculars,
affirming that their monikin had been well paid for what he had done.
In an evil hour, the candidate undertook to explain, by means of a
handbill, in which he stated that he had been influenced by no other
motive than a desire to do that which he believed to be right. Such a
person was deemed to be wanting in natural abilities, and, as a matter
of course, he was defeated; for your Leaplow elector was not such an
ass as to confide the care of his interests to one who knew so little
how to take care of his own.

About this time, too, a celebrated dramatist produced a piece in which
the hero performed prodigies under the excitement of patriotism, and
the labor of his pen was incontinently damned for his pains; both pit
and boxes—the galleries dissenting—deciding that it was out of all
nature to represent a monikin incurring danger in this unheard-of
manner, without a motive. The unhappy wight altered the last scene, by
causing his hero to be rewarded by a good, round sum of money, when the
piece had a very respectable run for the rest of the season, though I
question if it ever were as popular as it would have been, had this
precaution been taken before it was first acted.




CHAPTER XXVIII.
THE IMPORTANCE OF MOTIVES TO A LEGISLATOR—MORAL CONSECUTIVENESS,
COMETS, KITES, AND A CONVOY; WITH SOME EVERY-DAY LEGISLATION; TOGETHER
WITH CAUSE AND EFFECT.


Legislation, during the occultation of the great moral postulate
Principle by the passage of Pecuniary Interest, is, at the best, but a
melancholy affair. It proved to be peculiarly so with us just at that
moment, for the radiance of the divine property had been a good deal
obscured in the houses, for a long time previously, by the interference
of various minor satellites. In nothing, therefore, did the deplorable
state of things which existed make itself more apparent, than in our
proceedings.

As Captain Poke and myself, notwithstanding our having taken different
stands in politics, still continued to live together, I had better
opportunities to note the workings of the obscuration on the ingenuous
mind of my colleague than on that of most other persons. He early began
to keep a diary of his expenses, regularly deducting the amount at
night from the sum of eight dollars, and regarding the balance as so
much clear gain. His conversation, too, soon betrayed a leaning to his
personal interests, instead of being of that pure and elevated cast
which should characterize the language of a statesman. He laid down the
position, pretty dogmatically, that legislation, after all, was work;
that “the laborer was worthy of his hire”; and that, for his part, he
felt no great disposition to go through the vexation and trouble of
helping to make laws, unless he could see, with a reasonable certainty,
that something was to be got by it. He thought Leaplow had quite laws
enough as it was—more than she respected or enforced—and if she wanted
any more, all she had to do was to pay for them. He should take an
early occasion to propose that all our wages—or, at any rate, his own;
others might do as they pleased—should be raised, at the very least,
two dollars a day, and this while he merely sat in the house; for he
wished to engage me to move, by way of amendment, that as much more
should be given to the committees. He did not think it was fair to
exact of a member to be a committee-man for nothin’, although most of
them were committee-men for nothin’; and if we were called on to keep
two watches, in this manner, the least that could be done would be to
give us TWO PAYS. He said, considering it in the most favorable point
of view, that there was great wear and tear of brain in legislation,
and he should never be the man he was before he engaged in the trade;
he assured me that his idees, sometimes, were so complicated that he
did not know where to find the one he wanted, and that he had wished
for a cauda, a thousand times, since he had been in the house, for, by
keeping the end of it in his hand, like the bight of a rope, he might
always have suthin’ tangible to cling to. He told me, as a great
secret, that he was fairly tired of rummaging among his thoughts for
the knowledge necessary to understand what was going on, and that he
had finally concluded to put himself, for the rest of the session,
under the convoy of a God-like. He had been looking out for a fit
fugleman of this sort, and he had pretty much determined to follow the
signal of the great God-like of the Parpendic’lars, like the rest of
them, for it would occasion less confusion in the ranks, and enable him
to save himself a vast deal of trouble in making up his mind. He didn’t
know, on the whole, but eight dollars a day might give a living profit,
provided he could throw all the thinking on his God-like, and turn his
attention to suthin’ else; he thought of writing his v’y’ges, for he
understood that anything from foreign parts took like wild-fire in
Leaplow; and if they didn’t take, he could always project charts for a
living.

Perhaps it will be necessary to explain what Noah meant by saying that
he thought of engaging a God-like. The reader has had some insight into
the nature of one set of political leaders in Leaplow, who are known by
the name of the Most Patriotic Patriots. These persons, it is scarcely
necessary to say, are always with the majority, or in a situation to
avail themselves of the evolutions of the little wheel. Their great
rotatory principle keeps them pretty constantly in motion, it is true;
but while there is a centrifugal force to maintain this action, great
care has been had to provide a centripetal counterpoise, in order to
prevent them from bolting out of the political orbit. It is supposed to
be owing to this peculiarity in their party organizations, that your
Leaplow patriot is so very remarkable for going round and round a
subject, without ever touching it.

As an offset to this party arrangement, the Perpendiculars have taken
refuge in the God-likes. A God-like, in Leaplow politics, in some
respects resembles a saint in the Catholic calendar; that is to say, he
is canonized, after passing through a certain amount of temptation and
vice with a whole skin; after having his cause pleaded for a certain
number of years before the high authorities of his party; and, usually,
after having had a pretty good taste of purgatory. Canonization
attained, however, all gets to be plain sailing with him. He is spared,
singular as it may appear, even a large portion of his former “wear and
tear” of brains, as Noah had termed it, for nothing puts one so much at
liberty in this respect, as to have full powers to do all the thinking.
Thinking in company, like travelling in company, requires that we
should have some respect to the movements, wishes, and opinions of
others; but he who gets a carte blanche for his sentiments, resembles
the uncaged bird, and may fly in whatever direction most pleases
himself, and feel confident, as he goes, that his ears will be saluted
with the usual traveller’s signal of “all’s right.” I can best compare
the operation of your God-like and his votaries, to the action of a
locomotive with its railroad train. As that goes, this follows; faster
or slower, the movement is certain to be accompanied; when the steam is
up they fly, when the fire is out they crawl, and that, too, with a
very uneasy sort of motion; and when a bolt is broken, they who have
just been riding without the smallest trouble to themselves, are
compelled to get out and push the load ahead as well as they can,
frequently with very rueful faces, and in very dirty ways. The cars
whisk about, precisely as the locomotive whisks about, all the
turn-outs are necessarily imitated, and, in short, one goes after the
other very much as it is reasonable to suppose will happen when two
bodies are chained together, and the entire moving power is given to
only one of them. A God-like in Leaplow, moreover, is usually a Riddle.
It was the object of Noah to hitch on to one of these moral steam-tugs,
in order that he too might be dragged through his duties without effort
to himself; an expedient, as the old sealer expressed it, that would in
some degree remedy his natural want of a cauda, by rendering him
nothing but tail.

“I expect, Sir John,” he said, for he had a practice of expecting by
way of conjecture, “I expect this is the reason why the Leaplowers dock
themselves. They find it more convenient to give up the management of
their affairs to some one of these God-likes, and fall into his wake
like the tail of a comet, which makes it quite unnecessary to have any
other cauda.”

“I understand you; they amputate to prevent tautology.”

Noah rarely spoke of any project until his mind was fairly made up; and
the execution usually soon followed the proposition. The next thing I
heard of him, therefore, he was fairly under the convoy, as he called
it, of one of the most prominent of the Riddles. Curious to know how he
liked the experiment, after a week’s practice, I called his attention
to the subject, by a pretty direct inquiry.

He told me it was altogether the pleasantest mode of legislating that
had ever been devised. He was now perfectly master of his own time, and
in fact, he was making out a set of charts for the Leaplow marine, a
task that was likely to bring him in a good round sum, as pumpkins were
cheap, and in the polar seas he merely copied the monikin authorities,
and out of it he had things pretty much his own way. As for the Great
Allegory, when he wanted a hint about it, or, indeed, about any other
point at issue, all he had to do was to inquire what his God-like
thought about it, and to vote accordingly. Then he saved himself a
great deal of breath in the way of argument out of doors, for he and
the rest of the clientele of this Riddle, having officially invested
their patron with all their own parts, the result had been such an
accumulation of knowledge in this one individual, as enabled them
ordinarily to floor any antagonist by the simple quotation of his
authority. Such or such is the opinion of God-like this or of God-like
that, was commonly sufficient; and then there was no lack of material,
for he had taken care to provide himself with a Riddle who, he really
believed, had given an opinion, at some time or other, on every side of
every subject that had ever been mooted in Leaplow. He could nullify,
or mollify, or qualify, with the best of them; and these, which he
termed the three fies, he believed were the great requisites of a
Leaplow legislator. He admitted, however, that some show of
independence was necessary, in order to give value to the opinion of
even a God-like, for monikin nature revolted at anything like total
mental dependence; and that he had pretty much made up his mind to
think for himself on a question that was to be decided that very day.

The case to which the captain alluded was this. The city of Bivouac was
divided in three pretty nearly equal parts which were separated from
each other by two branches of a marsh; one part of the town being on a
sort of island, and the other two parts on the respective margins of
the low land. It was very desirable to connect these different portions
of the capital by causeways, and a law to that effect had been
introduced in the house. Everybody, in or out of the house, was in
favor of the project, for the causeways had become, in some measure,
indispensable. The only disputed point was the length of the works in
question. One who is but little acquainted with legislation, and who
has never witnessed the effects of an occultation of the great moral
postulate Principle, by the orb Pecuniary Interest, would very
plausibly suppose that the whole affair lay in a nutshell, and that all
we had to do was to pass a law ordering the causeways to extend just as
far as the public convenience rendered it necessary. But these are mere
tyros in the affairs of monikins. The fact was that there were just as
many different opinions and interests at work to regulate the length of
the causeways, as there were, owners of land along their line of route.
The great object was to start in what was called the business quarter
of the town, and then to proceed with the work as far as circumstances
would allow. We had propositions before us in favor of from one hundred
feet as far as up to ten thousand. Every inch was fought for with as
much obstinacy as if it were an important breach that was defended; and
combinations and conspiracies were as rife as if we were in the midst
of a revolution. It was the general idea that by filling in with dirt,
a new town might be built wherever the causeway terminated, and
fortunes made by an act of parliament. The inhabitants of the island
rallied en masse against the causeway leading one inch from their
quarter, after it had fairly reached it; and, so throughout the entire
line, monikins battled for what they called their interests, with an
obstinacy worthy of heroes.

On this great question, for it had, in truth, become of the last
importance by dragging into its consideration most of the leading
measures of the day, as well as six or seven of the principal
ordinances of the Great National Allegory, the respective partisans
logically contending that, for the time being, nothing should advance a
foot in Leaplow that did not travel along that causeway, Noah
determined to take an independent stand. This resolution was not
lightly formed, for he remained rather undecided, until, by waiting a
sufficient time, he felt quite persuaded that nothing was to be got by
following any other course. His God-like luckily was in the same
predicament, and everything promised a speedy occasion to show the
world what it was to act on principle; and this, too, in the middle of
a moral eclipse.

When the question came to be discussed, the landholders along the first
line of the causeway were soon reasoned down by the superior interests
of those who lived on the island. The rub was, the point of permitting
the work to go any further. The islanders manifested great liberality,
according to their account of themselves; for they even consented that
the causeway should be constructed on the other marsh to precisely such
a distance as would enable any one to go as near as possible to the
hostile quarter, without absolutely entering it. To admit the latter,
they proved to demonstration, would be changing the character of their
own island from that of an entrepot to that of a mere thoroughfare. No
reasonable monikin could expect it of them.

As the Horizontals, by some calculation that I never understood, had
satisfied themselves it might better answer their purposes to construct
the entire work, than to stop anywhere between the two extremes, my
duty was luckily, on this occasion, in exact accordance with my
opinions; and, as a matter of course, I voted, this time, in a way of
which I could approve. Noah, finding himself a free agent, now made his
push for character, and took sides with us. Very fortunately we
prevailed, all the beaten interests joining themselves, at the last
moment, to the weakest side, or, in other words, to that which was
right; and Leaplow presented the singular spectacle of having a just
enactment passed during the occultation of the great moral postulate,
so often named. I ought to mention that I have termed principle a
postulate, throughout this narrative, simply because it is usually in
the dilemma of a disputed proposition.

No sooner was the result known, than my worthy colleague came round to
the Horizontal side of the house, to express his satisfaction with
himself for the course he had just taken. He said it was certainly very
convenient and very labor-saving to obey a God-like, and that he got on
much better with his charts now he was at liberty to give his whole
mind to the subject; but there was suthin’—he didn’t know what—but “a
sort of Stunin’tun feeling” in doing what one thought right, after all,
that caused him to be glad that he had voted for the whole causeway. He
did not own any land in Leaplow, and therefore he concluded that what
he had done, he had done for the best; at any rate, if he had got
nothin’ by it, he had lost nothin’ by it, and he hoped all would come
right in the end. The people of the island, it is true, had talked
pretty fair about what they would do for those who should sustain their
interests, but he had got sick of a currency in promises; and fair
words, at his time of life, didn’t go for much; and so, on the whole,
he had pretty much concluded to do as he had done. He thought no one
could call in question his vote, for he was just as poor and as badly
off now he had voted, as he was while he was making up his mind. For
his part, he shouldn’t be ashamed, hereafter, to look both Deacon Snort
and the Parson in the face, when he got home, or even Miss Poke. He
knew what it was to have a clean conscience, as well as any man; for
none so well knew what it was to be without anything, as they who had
felt by experience its want. His God-like was a very labor-saving
God-like, but he had found, on inquiry, that he came from another part
of the island, and that he didn’t care a straw which way his kite-tail
(Noah’s manner of pronouncing clientele) voted. In short, he defied any
one to say ought ag’in’ him this time, and he was not sorry the
occasion had offered to show his independence, for his enemies had not
been backward in remarking that, for some days, he had been little
better than a speaking-trumpet to roar out anything his God-like might
wish to have proclaimed. He concluded by stating that he could not hold
out much longer without meat of some sort or other, and by begging that
I would second a resolution he thought of offering, by which regular
substantial rations were to be dealt out to all the human part of the
house. The inhumans might live upon nuts still, if they liked them.

I remonstrated against the project of the rations, made a strong appeal
to his pride, by demonstrating that we should be deemed little better
than brutes if we were seen eating flesh, and advised him to cause some
of his nuts to be roasted, by way of variety. After a good deal of
persuasion, he promised further abstinence, although he went away with
a singularly carnivorous look about the mouth, and an eye that spoke
pork in every glance.

I was at home the next day, busy with my friend the brigadier, in
looking over the Great National Allegory, with a view to prevent
falling, unwittingly, into any more offences of quoting its opinions,
when Noah burst into the room, as rabid as a wolf that had been bitten
by a whole pack of hounds. Such, indeed, was, in some measure, his
situation; for, according to his statement, he had been baited that
morning, in the public streets even, by every monikin, monikina,
monikino, brat, and beggar, that he had seen. Astonished to hear that
my colleague had fallen into this disfavor with his constitutents, I
was not slow in asking an explanation.

The captain affirmed that the matter was beyond the reach of any
explanation it was in his power to give. He had voted in the affair of
the causeway, in strict conformity with the dictates of his conscience,
and yet here was the whole population accusing him of bribery—nay, even
the journals had openly flouted at him for what they called his
barefaced and flagrant corruption. Here the captain laid before us six
or seven of the leading journals of Bivouac, in all of which his late
vote was treated with quite as little ceremony as if it had been an
unequivocal act of sheep-stealing.

I looked at my friend the brigadier for an explanation. After running
his eye over the articles in the journals, the latter smiled, and cast
a look of commiseration at our colleague.

“You have certainly committed a grave fault here, my friend,” he said,
“and one that is seldom forgiven in Leaplow—perhaps I might say never,
during the occultation of the great moral postulate, as happens to be
the case at present.”

“Tell me my sins at once, brigadier,” cried Noah, with the look of a
martyr, “and put me out of pain.”

“You have forgotten to display a motive for your stand during the late
hot discussion; and, as a matter of course, the community ascribes the
worst that monikin ingenuity can devise. Such an oversight would ruin
even a God-like!”

“But, my dear Mr. Downright,” I kindly interposed, “our colleague, in
this instance, is supposed to have acted on principle.”

The brigadier looked up, turning his nose into the air, like a pup that
has not yet opened its eyes, and then intimated that he could not see
the quality I had named, it being obscured by the passage of the orb of
Pecuniary Interest before its disc. I now began to comprehend the case,
which really was much more grave than, at first, I could have believed
possible. Noah himself seemed staggered; for, I believe, he had fallen
on the simple and natural expedient of inquiring what he himself would
have thought of the conduct of a colleague who had given a vote on a
subject so weighty, without exposing a motive.

“Had the captain owned but a foot square of earth, at the end of the
causeway,” observed the brigadier, mournfully, “the matter might be
cleared up; but as things are, it is beyond dispute, a most unfortunate
occurrence.”

“But Sir John voted with me, and he is no more a free-holder in
Leaplow, than I am myself.”

“True; but Sir John voted with the bulk of his political friends.”

“All the Horizontals were not in the majority; for at least twenty
went, on this occasion, with the minority.”

“Undeniable—yet every monikin of them had a visible motive. This owned
a lot by the wayside; that had houses on the island, and another was
the heir of a great proprietor at the same point of the road. Each and
all had their distinct and positive interests at stake, and not one of
them was guilty of so great a weakness as to leave his cause to be
defended by the extravagant pretension of mere principle!”

“My God-like, the greatest of all the Riddles, absented himself, and
did not vote at all.”

“Simply because he had no good ground to justify any course he might
take. No public monikin can expect to escape censure, if he fail to put
his friends, in the way of citing some plausible and intelligible
motive for his conduct.”

“How, sir! cannot a man, once in his life, do an act without being
bought like a horse or a dog, and escape with an inch of character?”

“I shall not take upon myself to say what MEN can do,” returned the
brigadier; “no doubt they manage this affair better than it is managed
here; but, so far as monikins are concerned, there is no course more
certain to involve a total loss of character—I may say so destructive
to reputation even for intellect—as to act without a good, apparent,
and substantial MOTIVE.”

“In the name of God, what is to be done, brigadier?”

“I see no other course than to resign. Your constituents must very
naturally have lost all confidence in you; for one who so very
obviously neglects his own interests, it cannot be supposed will be
very tenacious about protecting the interests of others. If you would
escape with the little character that is left, you will forthwith
resign. I do not perceive the smallest chance for you by going through
gyration No. 4, both public opinions uniformly condemning the monikin
who acts without a pretty obvious, as well as a pretty weighty motive.”

Noah made a merit of necessity; and, after some further deliberation
between us, he signed his name to the following letter to the speaker,
which was drawn up on the spot, by the brigadier.

“Mr. Speaker:—The state of my health obliges me to return the high
political trust which has been confided to me by the citizens of
Bivouac, into the hands from which it was received. In tendering my
resignation, I wish to express the great regret with which I part from
colleagues so every way worthy of profound respect and esteem, and I
beg you to assure them, that wherever fate may hereafter lead me, I
shall ever retain the deepest regard for every honorable member with
whom it has been my good fortune to serve. The emigrant interest, in
particular, will ever be the nearest and dearest to my heart.” Signed,

“NOAH POKE.”

The captain did not affix his name to this letter without many heavy
sighs, and divers throes of ambition; for even a mistaken politician
yields to necessity with regret. Having changed the word emigrant to
that of “immigrunt,” however, he put as good a face as possible on the
matter, and wrote the fatal signature. He then left the house,
declaring he didn’t so much begrudge his successor the pay, as nothing
but nuts were to be had with the money; and that, as for himself, he
felt as sneaking as he believed was the case with Nebuchadnezzar, when
he was compelled to get down on all-fours, and eat grass.




CHAPTER XXIX.
SOME EXPLANATIONS—A HUMAN APPETITE—A DINNER AND A BONNE BOUCHE.


The brigadier and myself remained behind to discuss the general
bearings of this unexpected event.

“Your rigid demand for motives, my good sir,” I remarked, “reduces the
Leaplow political morality very much, after all, to the level of the
social-stake system of our part of the world.”

“They both depend on the crutch of personal Interests, it is true;
though there is, between them, the difference of the interests of a
part and of the interests of the whole.”

“And could a part act less commendably than the whole appear to have
acted in this instance?”

“You forget that Leaplow, just at this moment, is under a moral
eclipse. I shall not say that these eclipses do not occur often, but
they occur quite as frequently in other parts of the region, as they
occur here. We have three great modes of controlling monikin affairs,
viz., the one, the few, and the many—”

“Precisely the same classification exists among men!” I interrupted.

“Some of our improvements are reflected backward; twilight following as
well as preceding the passage of the sun,” quite coolly returned the
brigadier. “We think that the many come nearest to balancing the evil,
although we are far from believing even them to be immaculate.
Admitting that the tendencies to wrong are equal in the three systems
(which we do not, however, for we think our own has the least), it is
contended that the many escape one great source of oppression and
injustice, by escaping the onerous provisions which physical weakness
is compelled to make, in order to protect itself against physical
strength.”

“This is reversing a very prevalent opinion among men, sir, who usually
maintain that the tyranny of the many is the worst sort of all
tyrannies.”

“This opinion has got abroad simply because the lion has not been
permitted to draw his own picture. As cruelty is commonly the
concomitant of cowardice, so is oppression nine times out of ten the
result of weakness. It is natural for the few to dread the many, while
it is not natural for the many to dread the few. Then, under
institutions in which the many rule, certain great principles that are
founded on natural justice, as a matter of course, are openly
recognized; and it is rare, indeed, that they do not, more or less,
influence the public acts. On the other hand, the control of a few
requires that these same truths should be either mystified or entirely
smothered: and the consequence is injustice.”

“But, admitting all your maxims, brigadier, as regards the few and the
many, you must yourself allow that here, in your beloved Leaplow
itself, monikins consult their own interests; and this, after all, is
acting on the fundamental principle of the great European social-stake
system.”

“Meaning that the goods of the world ought to be the test of political
power. By the sad confusion which exists among us, at this moment, Sir
John, you must perceive that we are not exactly under the most salutary
of all possible influences. I take it that the great desideratum of
society is to be governed by certain great moral truths. The inferences
and corollaries of these truths are principles, which come of heaven.
Now, agreeably to the monikin dogmas, the love of money is ‘of the
earth, earthy’; and, at the first blush, it would not seem to be quite
safe to receive such an inducement as the governing motive of one
monikin, and, by a pretty fair induction, it would seem to be equally
unwise to admit it for a good many. You will remember, also, that when
none but the rich have authority, they control not only their own
property, but that of others who have less. Your principle supposes,
that in taking care of his own, the elector of wealth must take care of
what belongs to the rest of the community; but our experience shows
that a monikin can be particularly careful of himself, and singularly
negligent of his neighbor. Therefore do we hold that money is a bad
foundation for power.”

“You unsettle everything, brigadier, without finding a substitute.”

“Simply because it is easy to unsettle everything and very difficult to
find substitutes. But, as respects the base of society, I merely doubt
the wisdom of setting up a qualification that we all know depends on an
unsound principle. I much fear, Sir John, that, so long as monikins are
monikins, we shall never be quite perfect; and as to your social-stake
system, I am of opinion that as society is composed of all, it may be
well to hear what all have to say about its management.”

“Many men, and, I dare say, many monikins, are not to be trusted even
with the management of their own concerns.”

“Very true; but it does not follow that other men, or other monikins,
will lose sight of their own interests on this account, if vested with
the right to act as their substitutes. You have been long enough a
legislator, now, to have got some idea how difficult it is to make even
a direct and responsible representative respect entirely the interests
and wishes of his constituents; and the fact will show you how little
he will be likely to think of others, who believes that he acts as
their master and not as their servant.”

“The amount of all this, brigadier, is that you have little faith in
monikin disinterestedness, in any shape; that you believe he who is
intrusted with power will abuse it; and therefore, you choose to divide
the trust, in order to divide the abuses; that the love of money is an
‘earthy’ quality, and not to be confided in as the controlling power of
a state; and, finally, that the social-stake system is radically wrong,
inasmuch as it is no more than carrying out a principle that is in
itself defective.”

My companion gaped, like one content to leave the matter there. I
wished him a good morning, and walked upstairs in quest of Noah, whose
carnivorous looks had given me considerable uneasiness. The captain was
out; and, after searching for him in the streets for an hour or two, I
returned to our abode fatigued and hungry.

At no great distance from our own door, I met Judge People’s Friend,
shorn and dejected, and I stopped to say a kind word, before going up
the ladder. It was quite impossible to see a gentleman, whom one had
met in good society and in better fortunes, with every hair shaved from
his body, his apology for a tail still sore from its recent amputation,
and his entire mien expressive of republican humility, without a desire
to condole with him. I expressed my regrets, therefore, as succinctly
as possible, encouraging him with the hope of seeing a new covering of
down before long, but delicately abstaining from any allusion to the
cauda, whose loss I knew was irretrievable. To my great surprise,
however, the judge answered cheerfully; discarding, for the moment,
every appearance of self-abasement and mortification.

“How is this?” I cried; “you are not then miserable?”

“Very far from it, Sir John—I never was in better spirits, or had
better prospects, in my life.”

I remembered the extraordinary manner in which the brigadier had saved
Noah’s head, and was fully resolved not to be astonished at any
manifestation of monikin ingenuity. Still I could not forbear demanding
an explanation.

“Why, it may seem odd to you, Sir John, to find a politician, who is
apparently in the depths of despair, really on the eve of a glorious
preferment. Such, however, is in fact my case. In Leaplow, humility is
everything. The monikin who will take care and repeat sufficiently
often that he is just the poorest devil going, that he is absolutely
unfit for even the meanest employment in the land, and in other
respects ought to be hooted out of society, may very safely consider
himself in a fair way to be elevated to some of the dignities he
declares himself the least fitted to fill.”

“In such a case, all he will have to do then, will be to make his
choice, and denounce himself loudest touching his especial
disqualifications for that very station?”

“You are apt, Sir John, and would succeed, if you would only consent to
remain among us!” said the judge, winking.

“I begin to see into your management—after all, you are neither
miserable nor ashamed?”

“Not the least in the world. It is of more importance for monikins of
my calibre to seem to be anything than to be it. My fellow-citizens are
usually satisfied with this sacrifice; and, now principle is eclipsed,
nothing is easier.”

“But how happens it, judge, that one of your surprising dexterity and
agility should be caught tripping? I had thought you particularly
expert, and infallible in all the gyrations. Perhaps the little affair
of the cauda has leaked out?”

The judge laughed in my face.

“I see you know little of us, after all, Sir John. Here have we
proscribed caudae, as anti-republican, both public opinions setting
their faces against them; and yet a monikin may wear one abroad a mile
long with impunity if he will just submit to a new dock when he comes
home, and swear that he is the most miserable wretch going. If he can
throw in a favorable word, too, touching the Leaplow cats and dogs—Lord
bless you, sir! they would pardon treason!”

“I begin to comprehend your policy, judge, if not your polity. Leaplow
being a popular government, it becomes necessary that its public agents
should be popular too. Now, as monikins naturally delight in their own
excellences, nothing so disposes them to give credit to another, as his
professions that he is worse than themselves.”

The judge nodded and grinned.

“But another word, dear sir—as you feel yourself constrained to commend
the cats and dogs of Leaplow, do you belong to that school of
philocats, who take their revenge for their amenity to the quadrupeds,
by berating their fellow-creatures?”

The judge started, and glanced about him as if he dreaded a
thief-taker. Then earnestly imploring me to respect his situation, he
added in a whisper, that the subject of the people was sacred with him,
that he rarely spoke of them without a reverence, and that his
favorable sentiments in relation to the cats and dogs were not
dependent on any particular merits of the animals themselves, but
merely because they were the people’s cats and dogs. Fearful that I
might say something still more disagreeable, the judge hastened to take
his leave, and I never saw him afterward. I make no doubt, however,
that in good time his hair grew as he grew again into favor, and that
he found the means to exhibit the proper length of tail on all suitable
occasions.

A crowd in the street now caught my attention. On approaching it, a
colleague who was there was kind enough to explain its cause.

It would seem that certain Leaphighers had been travelling in Leaplow;
and, not satisfied with this liberty, they had actually written books
concerning things that they had seen, and things that they had not
seen. As respects the latter, neither of the public opinions was very
sensitive, although many of them reflected on the Great National
Allegory and the sacred rights of monikins; but as respects the former,
there was a very lively excitement. These writers had the audacity to
say that the Leaplowers had cut off all their caudae, and the whole
community was convulsed at an outrage so unprecedented. It was one
thing to take such a step, and another to have it proclaimed to the
world in books. If the Leaplowers had no tails, it was clearly their
own fault. Nature had formed them with tails. They had bobbed
themselves on a republican principle; and no one’s principles ought to
be thrown into his face, in this rude manner, more especially during a
moral eclipse.

The dispensers of the essence of lopped tails threatened vengeance;
caricaturists were put in requisition; some grinned, some menaced, some
swore, and all read!

I left the crowd, taking the direction of my door again, pondering on
this singular state of society, in which a peculiarity that had been
deliberately and publicly adopted, should give rise to a sensitiveness
of a character so unusual. I very well knew that men are commonly more
ashamed of natural imperfections than those which, in a great measure,
depend on themselves; but then men are, in their own estimation at
least, placed by nature at the head of creation, and in that capacity
it is reasonable to suppose they will be jealous of their natural
privileges. The present case was rather Leaplow than generic; and I
could only account for it, by supposing that nature had placed certain
nerves in the wrong part of the Leaplow anatomy.

On entering the house, a strong smell of roasted meat saluted my
nostrils, causing a very unphilosophical pleasure to the olfactory
nerves, a pleasure which acted very directly, too, on the gastric
juices of the stomach. In plain English, I had very sensible evidence
that it was not enough to transport a man to the monikin region, send
him to parliament, and keep him on nuts for a week, to render him
exclusively ethereal, I found it was vain “to kick against the pricks.”
The odor of roasted meat was stronger than all the facts just named,
and I was fain to abandon philosophy, and surrender to the belly. I
descended incontinently to the kitchen, guided by a sense no more
spiritual than that which directs the hound in the chase.

On opening the door of our refectory, such a delicious perfume greeted
the nose, that I melted like a romantic girl at the murmur of a
waterfall, and, losing sight of all the sublime truths so lately
acquired, I was guilty of the particular human weakness which is
usually described as having the “mouth water.”

The sealer had quite taken leave of his monikin forbearance, and was
enjoying himself in a peculiarly human manner. A dish of roasted meat
was lying before him, and his eyes fairly glared as he turned them from
me to the viand, in a way to render it a little doubtful whether I was
a welcome visitor. But that honest old principle of seamen which never
refuses to share equally with an ancient mess-mate, got the better even
of his voracity.

“Sit down, Sir John,” the captain cried, without ceasing to masticate,
“and make no bones of it. To own the fact, the latter are almost as
good as the flesh. I never tasted a sweeter morsel!”

I did not wait for a second invitation, the reader may be sure; and in
less than ten minutes the dish was as clear as a table that had been
swept by harpies. As this work is intended for one in which truth is
rigidly respected, I shall avow that I do not remember any cultivation
of sentiment which gave me half so much satisfaction as that short and
hurried repast. I look back to it, even now, as to the very beau ideal
of a dinner! Its fault was in the quantity, and not in quality.

I gazed greedily about for more. Just then, I caught a glimpse of a
face that seemed looking at me with melancholy reproach. The truth
flashed upon me in a flood of horrible remorse. Rushing upon Noah like
a tiger, I seized him by the throat, and cried, in a voice of despair:

“Cannibal! what hast thou done?”

“Loosen your grip, Sir John—we do not relish these hugs at Stunin’tun.”

“Wretch! thou hast made me the participator of thy crime! We have eaten
Brigadier Downright.”

“Loosen, Sir John, or human natur’ will rebel.”

“Monster! give up thy unholy repast—dost not see a million reproaches
in the eyes of the innocent victim of thy insatiable appetites?”

“Cast off, Sir John, cast off, while we are friends, I care not if I
have swallowed all the brigadiers in Leaplow—off hands!”

“Never, monster! until thou disgorgest thy unholy meal!”

Noah could endure no more; but, seizing me by the throat, on the
retaliating principle, I soon had some such sensations as one would be
apt to feel if his gullet were in a vice. I shall not attempt to
describe very minutely the miracle that followed. Hanging ought to be
an effectual remedy for many delusions; for, in my case, the bowstring
I was under certainly did wonders in a very short time. Gradually the
whole scene changed. First came a mist, then a vertigo; and finally, as
the captain relaxed his hold, objects appeared in new forms, and
instead of being in our lodgings in Bivouac, I found myself in my old
apartment in the Rue de Rivoli, Paris.

“King!” exclaimed Noah, who stood before me, red in the face with
exertion; “this is no boy’s play, and if it’s to be repeated, I shall
use a lashing! Where would be the harm, Sir John, if a man had eaten a
monkey?”

Astonishment kept me mute. Every object, just as I had left it the
morning we started for London, on our way to Leaphigh, was there. A
table, in the centre of the room, was covered with sheets of paper
closely written over, which, on examination, I found contained this
manuscript as far as the last chapter. Both the captain and myself were
attired as usual; I a la Parisien and he a la Stunin’tun. A small ship,
very ingeniously made, and very accurately rigged, lay on the floor,
with “Walrus” written on her stern. As my bewildered eye caught a
glimpse of this vessel, Noah informed me that, having nothing to do
except to look after my welfare (a polite way of characterizing his
ward over my person, as I afterward found), he had employed his leisure
in constructing the toy.

All was inexplicable. There was really the smell of meat. I had also
that peculiar sensation of fulness which is apt to succeed a dinner,
and a dish well filled with bones was in plain view. I took up one of
the latter, in order to ascertain its genus. The captain kindly
informed me that it was the remains of a pig, which had cost him a
great deal of trouble to obtain, as the French viewed the act of eating
a pig as very little less heinous than the act of eating a child.
Suspicions began to trouble me, and I now turned to look for the head
and reproachful eye of the brigadier.

The head was where I had just before seen it, visible over the top of a
trunk; but it was so far raised as to enable me to see that it was
still planted on its shoulders. A second look enabled me to distinguish
the meditative, philosophical countenance of Dr. Reasono, who was still
in the hussar-jacket and petticoat, though, being in the house, he had
very properly laid aside the Spanish hat with bedraggled feathers.

A movement followed in the antechamber, and a hurried conversation, in
a low, earnest tone, succeeded. The captain disappeared, and joined the
speakers. I listened intently, but could not catch any of the
intonations of a dialect founded on the decimal principle. Presently
the door opened, and Dr. Etherington stood before me!

The good divine regarded me long and earnestly. Tears filled his eyes,
and, stretching out both hands towards me, he asked:

“Do you know me, Jack?”

“Know you, dear sir!—Why should I not?”

“And do you forgive me, dear boy?”

“For what, sir?—I am sure, I have most reason to demand your pardon for
a thousand follies.”

“Ah! the letter—the unkind—the inconsiderate letter!”

“I have not had a letter from you, sir, in a twelvemonth; the last was
anything but unkind.”

“Though Anna wrote, it was at my dictation.”

I passed a hand over my brow, and had dawnings of the truth.

“Anna?”

“Is here—in Paris—and miserable—most miserable!—on your account.”

Every particle of monikinity that was left in my system instantly gave
way to a flood of human sensations.

“Let me fly to her, dear sir—a moment is an age!”

“Not just yet, my boy. We have much to say to each other, nor is she in
this hotel. To-morrow, when both are better prepared, you shall meet.”

“Add, never to separate, sir, and I will be patient as a lamb.”

“Never to separate, I believe it will be better to say.”

I hugged my venerable guardian, and found a delicious relief from a
most oppressive burden of sensations, in a flow of tears,

Dr. Etherington soon led me into a calmer tone of mind. In the course
of the day, many matters were discussed and settled. I was told that
Captain Poke had been a good nurse, though in a sealing fashion; and
that the least I could do was to send him back to Stunin’tun, free of
cost. This was agreed to, and the worthy but dogmatical mariner was
promised the means of fitting out a new “Debby and Dolly.”

“These philosophers had better be presented to some academy,” observed
the doctor, smiling, as he pointed to the family of amiable strangers,
“being already F. U. D. G. E.’s and H. O. A. X.’s. Mr. Reasono, in
particular, is unfit for ordinary society.”

“Do with them as you please, my more than father. Let the poor animals,
however, be kept from physical suffering.”

“Attention shall be paid to all their wants, both physical and moral.”

“And in a day or two, we shall proceed to the rectory?”

“The day after to-morrow, if you have strength.”

“And to-morrow?”

“Anna will see you.”

“And the next day?”

“Nay, not quite so soon, Jack; but the moment we think you perfectly
restored, she shall share your fortunes for the remainder of your
common probation.”




CHAPTER XXX.
EXPLANATIONS—A LEAVE-TAKING—LOVE—CONFESSIONS, BUT NO PENITENCE.


A night of sweet repose left me refreshed, and with a pulse that
denoted less agitation than on the preceding day. I awoke early, had a
bath, and sent for Captain Poke to take his coffee with me, before we
parted; for it had been settled, the previous evening, that he was to
proceed towards Stunin’tun forthwith. My old messmate, colleague,
co-adventurer, and fellow-traveller, was not slow in obeying the
summons. I confess his presence was a comfort to me, for I did not like
looking at objects that had been so inexplicably replaced before my
eyes, unsupported by the countenance of one who had gone through so
many grave scenes in my company.

“This has been a very extraordinary voyage of ours, Captain Poke,” I
remarked, after the worthy sealer had swallowed sixteen eggs, an
omelet, seven cotelettes, and divers accessories. “Do you think of
publishing your private journal?”

“Why, in my opinion, Sir John, the less that either of us says of the
v’y’ge the better.”

“And why so? We have had the discoveries of Columbus, Cook, Vancouver,
and Hudson—why not those of Captain Poke?”

“To own the truth, we sealers do not like to speak of our cruising
grounds—and, as for these monikins, after all, what are they good for?
A thousand of them wouldn’t make a quart of ‘ile, and by all accounts
their fur is worth next to nothin’.”

“Do you account their philosophy for nothing? and their
jurisprudence?—you, who were so near losing your head, and who did
actually lose your tail, by the axe of the executioner?”

Noah placed a hand behind him, fumbling about the seat of reason, with
evident uneasiness. Satisfied that no harm had been done, he very
coolly placed half a muffin in what he called his “provision hatchway.”

“You will give me this pretty model of our good old ‘Walrus,’ captain?”

“Take it, o’ Heaven’s sake, Sir John, and good luck to you with it.
You, who give me a full-grown schooner, will be but poorly paid with a
toy.”

“It’s as like the dear old craft as one pea is like another!”

“I dare say it may be. I never knew a model that hadn’t suthin’ of the
original in it.”

“Well, my good shipmate, we must part. You know I am to go and see the
lady who is soon to be my wife, and the diligence will be ready to take
you to Havre, before I return.”

“God bless you! Sir John—God bless you!” Noah blew his nose till it
rung like a French horn. I thought his little coals of eyes were
glittering, too, more than common, most probably with moisture. “You’re
a droll navigator, and make no more of the ice than a colt makes of a
rail. But though the man at the wheel is not always awake the heart
seldom sleeps.”

“When the ‘Debby and Dolly’ is fairly in the water, you will do me the
pleasure of letting me know it.”

“Count on me, Sir John. Before we part, I have, however, a small favor
to ask.”

“Name it.”

Here Noah drew out of his pocket a sort of basso relievo carved in
pine. It represented Neptune armed with a harpoon instead of a trident;
the captain always contending that the god of the seas should never
carry the latter, but that, in its place, he should be armed either
with the weapon he had given him, or with a boat-hook. On the right of
Neptune was an English gentleman holding out a bag of guineas. On the
other was a female who, I was told, represented the goddess of liberty,
while it was secretly a rather flattering likeness of Miss Poke. The
face of Neptune was supposed to have some similitude to that of her
husband. The captain, with that modesty which is invariably the
companion of merit in the arts, asked permission to have a copy of this
design placed on the schooner’s stern. It would have been churlish to
refuse such a compliment; and I now offered Noah my hand, as the time
for parting had arrived. The sealer grasped me rather tightly, and
seemed disposed to say more than adieu.

“You are going to see an angel, Sir John.”

“How!—Do you know anything of Miss Etherington?”

“I should be as blind as an old bumboat else. During our late v’y’ge, I
saw her often.”

“This is strange!—But there is evidently something on your mind, my
friend; speak freely.”

“Well, then, Sir John, talk of anything but of our v’y’ge, to the dear
crittur. I do not think she is quite prepared yet to hear of all the
wonders we saw.”

I promised to be prudent; and the captain, shaking me cordially by the
hand, finally wished me farewell. There were some rude touches of
feeling in his manner, which reacted on certain chords in my own
system; and he had been gone several minutes before I recollected that
it was time to go to the Hotel de Castile. Too impatient to wait for a
carriage, I flew along the streets on foot, believing that my own fiery
speed would outstrip the zigzag movement of a fiacre or a cabriolet tie
flace.

Dr. Etherington met me at the door of his appartement, and led me to an
inner room without speaking. Here he stood gazing, for some time, in my
face, with paternal concern.

“She expects you, Jack, and believes that you rang the bell.”

“So much the better, dear sir. Let us not lose a moment; let me fly and
throw myself at her feet, and implore her pardon.”

“For what, my good boy?”

“For believing that any social stake can equal that which a man feels
in the nearest, dearest ties of earth!”

The excellent rector smiled, but he wished to curb my impatience.

“You have already every stake in society, Sir John Goldencalf,” he
answered—assuming the air which human beings have, by a general
convention, settled shall be dignified—“that any reasonable man can
desire. The large fortune left by your late father, raises you, in this
respect, to the height of the richest in the land; and now that you are
a baronet, no one will dispute your claim to participate in the
councils of the nation. It would perhaps be better, did your creation
date a century or two nearer the commencement of the monarchy; but, in
this age of innovations, we must take things as they are, and not as we
might wish to have them.”

I rubbed my forehead, for the doctor had incidentally thrown out an
embarrassing idea.

“On your principle, my dear sir, society would be obliged to begin with
its great-grandfathers to qualify itself for its own government.”

“Pardon me, Jack, if I have said anything disagreeable—no doubt all
will come right in heaven. Anna will be uneasy at our delay.”

This suggestion drove all recollection of the good rector’s
social-stake system, which was exactly the converse of the social-stake
system of my late ancestor, quite out of my head. Springing forward, I
gave him reason to see that he would have no farther trouble in
changing the subject. When we had passed an antechamber, he pointed to
a door, and admonishing me to be prudent, withdrew.

My hand trembled as it touched the door-knob, but the lock yielded.
Anna was standing in the middle of the room (she had heard my
footsteps), an image of womanly loveliness, womanly faith, and womanly
feeling. By a desperate effort, she was, however, mistress of her
emotions. Though her pure soul seemed willing to fly to meet me, she
obviously restrained the impulse, in order to spare my nerves.

“Dear Jack!”—and both her soft, white, pretty little hands met me, as I
eagerly approached.

“Anna!—dearest Anna!”—I covered the rosy fingers with kisses.

“Let us be tranquil, Jack, and if possible, endeavor to be reasonable,
too.”

“If I thought this could really cost one habitually discreet as you an
effort, Anna?”

“One habitually discreet as I, is as likely to feel strongly on meeting
an old friend, as another.”

“I think it would make me perfectly happy, could I see thee weep.”

As if waiting only for this hint, Anna burst into a flood of tears. I
was frightened, for her sobs became hysterical and convulsed. Those
precious sentiments which had been so long imprisoned in her gentle
bosom, obtained the mastery, and I was well paid for my selfishness, by
experiencing an alarm little less violent than her own outpouring of
feeling.

Touching the incidents, emotions, and language of the next half hour,
it is not my intention to be very communicative. Anna was ingenuous,
unreserved, and, if I might judge by the rosy blushes that suffused her
sweet face, and the manner in which she extricated herself from my
protecting arms, I believe I must add, she deemed herself indiscreet in
that she had been so unreserved and ingenuous.

“We can now converse more calmly, Jack,” the dear creature resumed,
after she had erased the signs of emotion from her cheeks—“more calmly,
if not more sensibly.”

“The wisdom of Solomon is not half so precious as the words I have just
heard—and as for the music of spheres—”

“It is a melody that angels only enjoy.”

“And art not thou an angel?”

“No, Jack, only a poor, confiding girl; one instinct with the
affections and weaknesses of her sex, and one whom it must be your part
to sustain and direct. If we begin by calling each other by these
superhuman epithets, we may awake from the delusion sooner than if we
commence with believing ourselves to be no other than what we really
are. I love you for your kind, excellent, and generous heart, Jack; and
as for these poetical beings, they are rather proverbial, I believe,
for having no hearts at all.”

As Anna mildly checked my exaggeration of language—after ten years of
marriage I am unwilling to admit there was any exaggeration of idea—she
placed her little velvet hand in mine again, smiling away all the
severity of the reproof.

“Of one thing, I think you may rest perfectly assured, dear girl,” I
resumed, after a moment’s reflection. “All my old opinions concerning
expansion and contraction are radically changed. I have carried out the
principle of the social-stake system in the extreme, and cannot say
that I have been at all satisfied with its success. At this moment I am
the proprietor of vested interests which are scattered over half the
world. So far from finding that I love my kind any more for all these
social stakes, I am compelled to see that the wish to protect one, is
constantly driving me into acts of injustice against all the others.
There is something wrong, depend on it, Anna, in the old dogmas of
political economists!”

“I know little of these things, Sir John, but to one ignorant as
myself, it would appear that the most certain security for the
righteous exercise of power is to be found in just principles.”

“If available, beyond a question. They who contend that the debased and
ignorant are unfit to express their opinions concerning the public
weal, are obliged to own that they can only be restrained by force.
Now, as knowledge is power, their first precaution is to keep them
ignorant; and then they quote this very ignorance, with all its
debasing consequences, as an argument against their participating in
authority with themselves. I believe there can be no safe medium
between a frank admission of the whole principle—”

“You should remember, dear Goldencalf, that this is a subject on which
I know but little. It ought to be sufficient for us that we find things
as they are; if change is actually necessary, we should endeavor to
effect it with prudence and a proper regard to justice.”

Anna, while kindly leading me back from my speculations, looked both
anxious and pained.

“True—true”—I hurriedly rejoined, for a world would not tempt me to
prolong her suffering for a moment. “I am foolish and forgetful, to be
talking thus at such a moment; but I have endured too much to be
altogether unmindful of ancient theories. I thought it might be
grateful to you, at least, to know, Anna, that I have ceased to look
for happiness in my affections for all, and am only so much the better
disposed to turn in search of it to one.”

“To love our neighbor as ourself, is the latest and highest of the
divine commands,” the dear girl answered, looking a thousand times more
lovely than ever, for my conclusion was very far from being displeasing
to her. “I do not know that this object is to be attained by centring
in our persons as many of the goods of life as possible; but I do
think, Jack, that the heart which loves one truly, will be so much the
better disposed to entertain kind feelings towards all others.”

I kissed the hand she had given me, and we now began to talk a little
more like people of the world, concerning our movements. The interview
lasted an hour longer, when the heaven. “You never yet were so unkind
to one who was offensive; much less could you willingly have plotted
this cruelty to one you regard!”

Anna could no longer control herself, but her cheeks were wetted with
the usual signs of feeling in her sex. Then smiling in the midst of
this little outbreaking of womanly sensibility, her countenance became
playful and radiant.

“That letter ought not to be altogether proscribed, neither, Jack. Had
it not been written, you would never have visited Leaphigh, nor
Leaplow, nor have seen any of those wonderful spectacles which are here
recorded.”

The dear creature laid her hand on a roll of manuscript which she had
just returned to me, after its perusal. At the same time, her face
flushed, as vivid and transient feelings are reflected from the
features of the innocent and ingenuous, and she made a faint effort to
laugh.

I passed a hand over my brow, for whenever this subject is alluded to
between us, I invariably feel that there is a species of mistiness, in
and about the region of thought. I was not displeased, however, for I
knew that a heart which loved so truly would not willingly cause me
pain, nor would one habitually so gentle and considerate, utter a
syllable that she might have reason to think would seriously displease.

“Hadst thou been with me, love, that journey would always be remembered
as one of the pleasantest events of my life, for, while it had its
perils and its disagreeables, it had also its moments of extreme
satisfaction.”

“You will never be an adept in political saltation, John!”

“Perhaps not—but here is a document that will render it less necessary
than formerly.”

I threw her a packet which had been received that morning from town, by
a special messenger, but of whose contents I had not yet spoken. Anna
was too young a wife to open it without an approving look from my fond
eye. On glancing over its contents, she perceived that I was raised to
the House of Peers by the title of Viscount Householder. The purchase
of three more boroughs, and the influence of my old friend Lord Pledge,
had done it all.

The sweet girl looked pleased, for I believe it is in female nature to
like to be a viscountess; but, throwing herself into my arms, she
protested that her joy was at my elevation and not at her own.

“I owed you this effort, Anna, as some acknowledgment for your faith
and disinterestedness in the affair of Lord M’Dee.”

“And yet, Jack, he had neither high cheek-bones, nor red hair; and his
accent was such as might please a girl less capricious than myself!”

This was said playfully and coquettishly, but in a way to make me feel
how near folly would have been to depriving me of a treasure, had the
heart I so much prized been less ingenuous and pure. I drew the dear
creature to my bosom, as if afraid my rival might yet rob me of her
possession. Anna looked up, smiling through her tears; and, making an
effort to be calm, she said, in a voice so smothered as to prove how
delicate she felt the subject to be:—

“We will speak seldom of this journey, dear John, and try to think of
the long and dark journey which is yet before us. We will speak of it,
however, for there should be nothing totally concealed between us.”

I kissed her serene and humid eyes, and repeated what she had just
said, syllable for syllable. Anna has not been unmindful of her words;
for rarely, indeed, has she touched on the past, and then oftener in
allusion to her own sorrows, than in reference to my impressions.

But, while the subject of my voyage to the monikin region is, in a
measure, forbidden between me and my wife, there exists no such
restraint as between me and other people. The reader may like to know,
therefore, what effect this extraordinary adventure has left on my
mind, after an interval of ten years.

There have been moments when the whole has appeared a dream; but, on
looking back, and comparing it with other scenes in which I have been
an actor, I cannot perceive that this is not quite as indelibly stamped
on my memory as those. The facts themselves, moreover, are so very like
what I see daily in the course of occurrence around me, that I have
come to the conclusion, I did go to Leaphigh in the way related, and
that I must have been brought back during the temporary insanity of a
fever. I believe, therefore, that there are such countries as Leaphigh
and Leaplow; and after much thought, I am of opinion that great justice
has here been done to the monikin character in general.

The result of much meditation on what I witnessed, has been to produce
sundry material changes in my former opinions, and to unsettle even
many of the notions in which I may be said to have been born and bred.
In order to consume as little of the reader’s time as possible, I shall
set down a summary of my conclusions, and then take my leave of him,
with many thanks for his politeness in reading what I have written.
Before completing my task in this way, however, it will be well to add
a word on the subject of one or two of my fellow-travellers.

I never could make up my mind relating to the fact whether we did or
did not actually eat Brigadier Downright. The flesh was so savory, and
it tasted so delicious after a week of philosophical meditation on
nuts, and the recollection of its pleasures is so very vivid, that I am
inclined to think nothing but a good material dinner could have left
behind it impressions so lively, I have had many melancholy thoughts on
this subject, especially in November; but observing that men are
constantly devouring each other, in one shape or another, I endeavor to
make the best of it, and to persuade myself that a slight difference in
species may exonerate me from the imputation of cannibalism.

I often get letters from Captain Poke. He is not very explicit on the
subject of our voyage, it is true; but, on the whole, I have decided
that the little ship he constructed was built on the model of, and
named after, our own Walrus instead of our own Walrus being built on
the model of, and named after, the little ship constructed by Captain
Poke. I keep the latter, therefore, to show my friends as a proof of
what I tell them, knowing the importance of visible testimony with
ordinary minds.

As for Bob and the mates, I never heard any more of them. The former
most probably continued a “kickee” until years and experience enabled
him to turn the tables on humanity, when, as is usually the case with
Christians, he would be very likely to take up the business of a
“kicker” with so much the greater zeal on account of his early
sufferings.

To conclude, my own adventures and observations lead to the following
inferences, viz.:

That every man loves liberty for his own sake and very few for the sake
of other people.

That moral saltation is very necessary to political success at Leaplow,
and quite probably in many other places.

That civilization is very arbitrary, meaning one thing in France,
another thing at Leaphigh, and still a third in Dorsetshire.

That there is no sensible difference between motives in the polar
region and motives anywhere else.

That truth is a comparative and local property, being much influenced
by circumstances; particularly by climate and by different public
opinions.

That there is no portion of human wisdom so select and faultless that
it does not contain the seeds of its own refutation.

That of all the ’ocracies (aristocracy and democracy included)
hypocrisy is the most flourishing.

That he who is in the clutches of the law may think himself lucky if he
escape with the loss of his tail.

That liberty is a convertible term, which means exclusive privileges in
one country, no privileges in another, and inclusive privileges in all.

That religion is a paradox, in which self-denial and humility are
proposed as tenets, in direct contradiction to every man’s senses.

That phrenology and caudology are sister sciences, one being quite as
demonstrable as the other, and more too.

That philosophy, sound principles and virtue, are really delightful;
but, after all, that they are no more than so many slaves of the belly;
a man usually preferring to eat his best friend to starving.

That a little wheel and a great wheel are as necessary to the motion of
a commonweath, as to the motion of a stage-coach, and that what this
gains in periphery that makes up in activity, on the rotatory
principle.

That it is one thing to have a king, another to have a throne, and
another to have neither.

That the reasoning which is drawn from particular abuses, is no
reasoning for general uses.

That, in England, if we did not use blinkers, our cattle would break
our necks; whereas, in Germany we travel at a good pace, allowing the
horse the use of his eyes; and in Naples we fly, without even a bit!

That the converse of what has just been said of horses is true of men,
in the three countries named.

That occultations of truth are just as certain as the aurora boreal is,
and quite as easily accounted for.

That men who will not shrink from the danger and toil of penetrating
the polar basin, will shrink from the trouble of doing their own
thinking, and put themselves, like Captain Poke, under the convoy of a
God-like.

That all our wisdom is insufficient to protect us from frauds, one
outwitting us by gyrations and flapjacks, and another by adding new
joints to the cauda.

That men are not very scrupulous touching the humility due to God, but
are so tenacious of their own privileges in this particular, they will
confide in plausible rogues rather than in plain-dealing honesty.

That they who rightly appreciate the foregoing facts, are People’s
Friends, and become the salt of the earth—yea, even the Most Patriotic
Patriots!

That it is fortunate “all will come right in heaven,” for it is certain
too much goes wrong on earth.

That the social-stake system has one distinctive merit: that of causing
the owners of vested rights to set their own interests in motion, while
those of their fellow-citizens must follow, as a matter of course,
though perhaps a little clouded by the dust raised by their leaders.

That he who has an Anna, has the best investment in humanity; and that
if he has any repetition of his treasure, it is better still.

That money commonly purifies the spirit as wine quenches thirst; and
therefore it is wise to commit all our concerns to the keeping of those
who have most of it.

That others seldom regard us in the same light we regard ourselves;
witness the manner in which Dr. Reasono converted me from a benefactor
into the travelling tutor of Prince Bob.

That honors are sweet even to the most humble, as is shown by the
satisfaction of Noah in being made a lord high admiral.

That there is no such stimulant of humanity, as a good moneyed stake in
its advancement.

That though the mind may be set on a very improper and base object, it
will not fail to seek a good motive for its justification, few men
being so hardened in any grovelling passion, that they will not
endeavor to deceive themselves, as well as their neighbors.

That academies promote good fellowship in knowledge, and good
fellowship in knowledge promotes F. U. D. G. E.’s, and H. O. A. X.’s.

That a political rolling-pin, though a very good thing to level rights
and privileges, is a very bad thing to level houses, temples, and other
matters that might be named.

That the system of governing by proxy is more extended than is commonly
supposed; in one country a king resorting to its use, and in another
the people.

That there is no method by which a man can be made to covet a tail, so
sure as by supplying all his neighbors, and excluding him by an
especial edict.

That the perfection of consistency in a nation, is to dock itself at
home, while its foreign agents furiously cultivate caudae abroad.

That names are far more useful than things, being more generally
understood, less liable to objections, of greater circulation, besides
occupying much less room.

That ambassadors turn the back of the throne outward, aristocrats draw
a crimson curtain before it, and a king sits on it.

That nature has created inequalities in men and things, and, as human
institutions are intended to prevent the strong from oppressing the
weak, ergo, the laws should encourage natural inequalities as a
legitimate consequence.

That, moreover, the laws of nature having made one man wise and another
man foolish—this strong, and that weak, human laws should reverse it
all, by making another man wise and one man foolish—that strong, and
this weak. On this conclusion I obtained a peerage.

That God-likes are commonly Riddles, and Riddles, with many people,
are, as a matter of course, God-likes. That the expediency of
establishing the base of society on a principle of the most sordid
character, one that is denounced by the revelations of God, and proved
to be insufficient by the experience of man, may at least be questioned
without properly subjecting the dissenter to the imputation of being a
sheep-stealer.

That we seldom learn moderation under any political excitement, until
forty thousand square miles of territory are blown from beneath our
feet.

That it is not an infallible sign of great mental refinement to
bespatter our fellow-creatures, while every nerve is writhing in honor
of our pigs, our cats, our stocks, and our stones.

That select political wisdom, like select schools, propagates much
questionable knowledge.

That the whole people is not infallible, neither is a part of the
people infallible.

That love for the species is a godlike and pure sentiment; but the
philanthropy which is dependent on buying land by the square mile, and
selling it by the square foot, is stench in the nostrils of the just.

That one thoroughly imbued with republican simplicity invariably
squeezes himself into a little wheel, in order to show how small he can
become at need.

That habit is invincible, an Esquimaux preferring whale’s blubber to
beefsteak, a native of the Gold Coast cherishing his tom-tom before a
band of music, and certain travelled countrymen of our own saying,
“Commend me to the English skies.”

That arranging a fact by reason is embarrassing, and admits of
cavilling; while adapting a reason to a fact is a very natural, easy,
every-day, and sometimes necessary, process.

That what men affirm for their own particular interests they will swear
to in the end, although it should be a proposition as much beyond the
necessity of an oath, as that “black is white.”

That national allegories exist everywhere, the only difference between
them arising from gradations in the richness of imaginations.

And finally:—

That men have more of the habits, propensities, dispositions, cravings,
antics, gratitude, flapjacks, and honesty of monikins, than is
generally known.

THE END.




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